Home Improvement s02e12 Episode Script

I'm Scheming Of A White Christmas

- When do we get to the cheese? - Soon.
This can't be right.
It's so small.
I had no idea when I ordered this that it was actual size.
Come on, come on.
Hurry up.
Let's go.
It's about time for the official lighting of the Christmas extravaganza.
Brad, Randy! - They're not here.
- Where'd they go? They're still out collecting money for the school Christmas drive.
Oh, I can't wait.
They can see it later.
Come on, come on, come on Honey, I hope you didn't get back into this whole competition thing - with Doc Johnson again this year.
- Please.
I'm past it, OK? I've nothing to prove.
This year, I'm going for, like, a low-key approach.
All right.
When I flick the switch, it's gonna be kinda bright, - so you're gonna need these sunglasses.
- Oh, Tim.
Don't look directly at the snowman.
Mom? Dad? - Where'd you go? - We're still here.
Well, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle? - Hi.
- Hey, guys.
- Pretty awesome lights out there, huh? - It's really hot out there.
I don't know if all that straw around the baby Jesus is such a great idea.
Randy, he's the Son of God.
He'll be fine.
Dad, everyone in the neighborhood's standing outside of our house, and they don't look too happy.
Oh, everyone in the whole neighborhood's out there? The whole neighborhood's stood out there? Is Mrs.
Swanson out there with those stupid drop earrings? Open the door, she's right here? You know, maybe I should put a dimmer on that.
Wouldn't that be a good idea? So, how did you guys do on that Christmas drive? Yeah, you were gone a long time.
You must have been working really hard.
Yeah, we walked, like, 300 miles around the whole neighborhood.
You're doing a good thing.
Now, why don't you go wash up for dinner? Tim! Honey.
Can we just turn down the Christmas lights till after dinner's cooked? - Maybe that would be a good idea.
- Yeah.
86, 87, $90.
- Yeah.
That's a major amount of money.
- We made 90 bucks.
If we made 90 bucks a day, and we worked for seven days, we'd make, like, 200 bucks! Brad, your math tutor must be proud.
This is more money than we've ever had on our bed before.
If the money was ours, we could buy 30 Rooster Man comic books.
Yeah, and we could get Barbarian 2 for Game Boy.
Too bad you don't get paid collecting for charity.
If we were working at regular jobs, we'd get paid salary.
How much do you think Dad makes? I don't know.
Three bucks an hour.
And Al does most of the work.
I mean, we worked hard, and I'm wearing out my shoes.
So? So charity charity two for us.
I don't know.
This is all supposed to go to charity.
It will.
I'm just taking a little bit out for business expenses.
Besides, Mom always says, "Charity begins at home.
" Oh, Tim, there you are.
Are you ready to shoot our Christmas promo? Fa la la la la, la la la la You should try to cheer up a little bit, Maureen.
Ho-ho-ho! Look, it's a telephone repairman from the North Pole.
And what would you like for Christmas, little boy? A new assistant.
All righty, it's your turn.
Here we go.
Couldn't you just eat him? Tim "The Elf Man" Taylor.
Oh, now, don't be such a grinch.
You looked adorable.
I've got a wonderful surprise.
You joined a convent and took a vow of silence.
No, silly.
I have booked some very special musical guests for our Christmas show.
Guess who? Time's up! Manhattan Transfer! Manhattan Transfer? Didn't you think about checking with me? Tim, are you forgetting? Producer! Besides, who did you want me to book? Those musical barking dogs that sing "Jingle Bells"? Yes! We were trying to get them for three years.
They won't do a cable show.
OK, now.
Come on.
Come on.
Think big-time Christmas special.
Manhattan Transfer.
All the Tool Time gang sitting around the fireplace all cuddly and cozy, sipping cider with cinnamon sticks.
Put a nail gun to my temple and kill me right now.
Time to get the promo rolling.
The sled is set.
Let's make magic.
Tim, Tim, Tim.
Come on.
Let's be good, for goodness' sake.
All right.
All right.
- But I'm driving.
- Oh, now, wait a minute, Tim.
Tim! You know, it's against union rules to let an elf drive a sleigh.
- What? - Besides, your legs.
- What about 'em? - Well, they're just a little too short.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Just remember, it's not over till it's over, fat boy.
Oh, now, wait a minute, Tim.
Let's be professional about this.
This is for charity.
It's for the children.
The least you can do is wear your little elf hat.
to make the snow machine work you just hit that button on the back of the sled Yes, Maureen, I remember.
I'm the one that designed it.
Do you recall? - Huh? - In 5.
2 - Look out for that mountain, Al! - Tim.
Tim! Ho-ho-ho.
Merry Christmas! Join me, Santa, and Tim "The " "The Elf Man" Taylor for a very special Christmas Tool Time We'll be kicking off our We'll be kicking off our annual "Tools for Tots" drive to raise money to build playgrounds in the Detroit area.
Helping us out is our very special guest, The Manhattan Transfer.
So, until then, on Donner, on Blitzen, on Comet What's the matter, Santa? Have you never flown in a blizzard before? Tim? Where are you two going? I thought you were gonna help me put these ornaments on the tree.
- We're going back out collecting.
- Wow.
You guys are troupers.
You did this all day yesterday, and this morning.
Yeah, well, we only made $5 this morning.
Well, that is $5 that the charity didn't have before you started.
You're making a contribution.
You should be really proud of yourselves.
Yeah, well, we are.
Thanks a lot, Mom.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Honey, why did you turn the light off of Frosty? There was a plane headed for our house, Tim.
"Rooster Man.
" "Rooster Man.
" - There's a whole stack of these.
- It's a great comic.
Barbarian II.
Game Boy.
Did you buy 'em this? I didn't buy 'em this.
- No, but I wanted it.
- Did you buy 'em those comics? Uh-uh.
But I bet Nana gave 'em some Christmas money last weekend.
I don't believe it! This is the coolest watch in the world.
- Time Commander Chronograph.
- What is that doing in Brad's backpack? They're my boys.
They love me.
It's probably my Christmas present.
- How could they afford that? - Saving their allowance or something.
You know, this has three time zones, its own built-in alarm, it's good to 120m underwater.
You could be drowning and still know exactly what time it is in Guam.
This is Ow! Ornaments, ornaments, ornaments! Whoa! You You - You sat on a glass reindeer.
- Pull it.
- You got an antler up your butt.
- Pull it out of there! Hey, OK.
Just stop dancing around.
You're gonna get glass all over the floor.
- Well, thanks for your concern.
- Go outside.
Come here.
Pull this one.
You got it outta there? Well, I think so.
You'll find out when you sit down.
- Hi-ho-ho-ho, good neighbors.
- Merry Christmas, Wilson.
Jill, I wanna thank you for that very lovely Smokey Farms gift box.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't realize that those little cheese logs were actual size.
Well, don't be sorry.
They went perfectly with the little bottle of rum I got from the airlines.
And this is for you, good neighbors.
Fresh from the oven.
- Oh, thank you.
What is it? - That is a plum cake.
On Christmas Eve, the people of Hertfordshire, England, take the cake, stick it on a cow's horn, then they throw cider in her face.
The malls close early over there.
No, no, no, Tim.
If the cow flips the cake forward, it means it's going to be a very good harvest.
Well, that's very thoughtful of you, Wilson.
Well, Jill, it's all part of the spirit of Christmas giving, which you seem to have instilled in Randy and Brad.
The look of joy on their little faces when I gave them that $10 contribution for charity this morning, I was really quite moved.
- Wait a minute.
Did you say $10? - All the cash I had, Jill.
They wouldn't take a check.
Well, Feliz Navidad.
good neighbors.
Off I go a-wassailing, a-wassailing - Did you hear that? - Sure did.
He can't carry a tune at all.
He said that he gave them $10.
Tim, they told me that they only collected $5 the whole morning.
The watch, the video game, the comic books They're stealing from the charity, or or from your dresser drawer or something.
I don't leave money in my dresser drawer.
You take it.
Well, then, they're stealing from the charity.
I found this in Bugsy's drawer.
These were in Baby Face's dresser.
Wait till I get I get my hands on those And I found this is Brad's little book bag.
A locket.
Maybe your Christmas present.
How nice.
I can put their little mug shots in it.
- What are we gonna say to them? - I tell you what I'm gonna say.
"The locket goes back.
Thanks for the watch.
" - Mom, we're home.
- Well, well, well.
Look who's home.
How did it go? Oh, OK.
How much money do you think you brought in today? Around $20.
So, with the five that you brought in this morning, that would make 25? Yeah.
That's a lot, huh? Yeah.
Plus the money from the rest of the week.
Who wants to go first? I will.
- Uh it was Randy's idea.
- Thanks a lot, Brad! - It was.
- Sit down on the couch, right now.
Sit down.
Both of you, sit down.
Tell me where you came up with a stupid idea like this.
Well, we were gonna get you really neat Christmas presents.
- Don't give me that.
- Yeah, I can't live without Rooster Man.
- Well, the watch is for you, Dad.
- And the locket's for Mom? Well, no.
That's for Jennifer.
You just don't get it, do you? That money was supposed to go to the Oak Lane Children's Center.
You stole money out of the hands of kids who have next to nothing for Christmas.
We weren't gonna take all of it, just some of it.
Some of it or all of it, it was still stealing.
We'll do extra chores to work off the money.
You're darn right you'll do extra chores to work off the money.
Then you can go back to the stores, take this stuff back and get the money for it.
And then you're gonna go back to the shelter, you're gonna take in the money, and you're gonna tell them that you stole it.
But, Mom, they're gonna think we're thieves.
Good, Brad.
I think you should just go up to your room and think about what you did.
You can just stay up there for the rest of the night.
Thank you very much.
Oh, it's gonna be a lot of fun today.
We're gonna have a lot of Tim Taylor holiday hints, like putting up outdoor lighting to get your whole neighborhood together.
Ho-ho-ho! Don Ho? I don't think so.
And I wouldn't be a bit surprised if old St.
Nick slid out of this chimney a little later to hand out gifts to the studio audience.
- Ho-ho-ho! - Not yet.
Not yet! What I'd like to do first is introduce our musical guests.
- No, we couldn't get the barking dogs.
- Aw.
But we got a group that sounds a lot like 'em.
Just kidding.
I'd like to introduce the Manhattan Transfer, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, it's good to have you here.
I gotta admit, I'm a big fan.
I always wanted to know, who's Manhattan and who's Transfer? Yeah, right.
No, that's the name of the group, Tim.
Come on.
We have our own names.
Oh, yeah, just like the rest of us would have.
- I'm Janis.
- I'm Cheryl.
- I'm Tim.
- I'm Alan.
But you know, sometimes people call me Al.
- Tim and Al.
Do you assist him? - I don't think so, Tim.
Ho-ho-ho! Hey, Santa.
Shut up! Now, Manhattan Transfer will not be using a backup band today because they'll be singing Acapulco.
- Tim, actually, it's "a cappella.
" - That's warm there too.
I love it there.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Manhattan Transfer.
One, two.
One, two.
You better watch out, you better not cry You better not pout, I'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town He's making a list, checking it twice Gonna find out who's naughty or nice - Santa Claus is coming to town - Ho-ho-ho! - He sees you when you're sleeping - Tim! He knows when you're awake He knows if you've been bad or good So be good for goodness' sake - You better watch out, you better not cry - Tim! - You better not pout, I'm telling you why - No, not my shoe.
- Santa Claus is coming to town - Don't don't pull.
- To town - Keep going.
Keep going.
- All the boys and girls - Tim! Where are you going? The snowman soon will play and they're sure to get their wishes met When they hear the words we say You better not shout, you better not cry You better not pout, I'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming - Santa Claus is coming - Tim! Santa Claus is coming to town - To town - Tim.
To town - Tim, would you get me outta here? - Look out, old Santa is back Yeah Don't use a chain saw.
Just pull me out.
No! Tim! Tim! Don't cut through this! Boy, I'm glad that's over.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Can you believe all those kids down at the shelter? Yeah.
They didn't have anything.
We were stealing money from them.
We have lots of stuff.
I guess we got it pretty good, huh? Come on.
Let's clean up our room.
It was kinda weird the way those kids were staring at us.
They were staring at you.
You just stood there making monkey sounds.
That was 'cause Mom was poking me in the ribs.
She wanted you to say something.
I had to apologize for the both of us.
So? I had to give 'em the money.
You don't ever play with this, do you, Randy? No, not really.
Me neither.
- We can give it to the shelter.
- Hey, great idea.
We don't play with this either.
And this is Mark's.
Dump it.
Do you really think Dad's gonna hang our pictures up in the post office? I hope you're kidding.
- Oh, we can give 'em these.
- OK.
And there's a lot of stuff in here.
- Oh, there is? - Yeah.
It came upon The midnight clear - That glorious song - Poor Al.
Al looks mad.
What was he saying? He was He was saying, "Merry Christmas and have a happy New Year, Tim.
" So, did you did you clean up your room? - Almost, but we wanted to bring this down.
- What? Well, we were just going through some of our toys and we thought that maybe the kids at the shelter could use some of them.
That's a really sweet idea.
Well, they're just some toys that we don't play with that much anymore, like this.
- Or this.
- Wait a minute.
That's tournament football.
I still play with that thing.
All right.
It's Christmas.
But remember, I'm still high scorer on that thing.
I think this is a really good idea.
We'll take you back to the shelter tomorrow.
We have some more stuff in the basement.
Well, just gather everything up that you don't play with.
- OK.
Mark, jump in.
- Shut up.
- I'm gonna get some toys.
- OK.
- It came upon the midnight clear - Gosh, they're so good.
But they're no barking dogs.
Tim, I thought you said you were gonna return that watch.
I'm going to.
Look, my blood pressure.
It's rising.
Honey, have you seen the front yard? Frosty's missing.
I know.
Oh, it's not enough that Doc Johnson wins the contest.
- Now he's gonna hijack my snowman? - Doc Johnson didn't take it.
I suppose a 17-foot plastic snowman is hiding from me? Does this look familiar? Frosty? He had a power surge and suffered a meltdown.
Frosty is 17 feet of pulsating light, generated by 120 volts of luminous flux and 50,000 lumens per second of uninterrupted power.
Ah, ha, ha, ha! This is low-key? I see spots.
Isn't this awesome? Yeah.
It would be perfect if we had an airstrip on the front lawn.

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