Home Improvement s03e03 Episode Script

This Joke's For You

Hi there.
Today in the Tool Time corral, we're talking about a different kind of power.
(spits) (ping) Sawhorse power, 'cause a man is judged by his pair of ponies.
That's right, partner.
And the sturdiest sawhorses are made of pine or fir.
A good rule of thumb is it should be sturdy enough to support Al's mom after a big buffet.
You know, Tim, my shop tastes normally run old-fashioned, but when it comes to the sawhorse, I've decided to let my hair down and switch to metal.
Now I'm a guy of the '90s.
Would that be 1890s, Al? This sawhorse is half the weight and can easily be moved around the job site.
(whistles) That was an incredible demonstration, Al.
But if you want a sawhorse that'll get you around the job site, I got the stallion for you.
Tim, where where are y Well, while we're waiting for Tim, I, uh I would well, I'd like to regale you with an anecdote about my first sawhorse.
Her name was Lilly.
( "The Lone Ranger" theme) (engine revs in time) Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Your sawhorse has an engine? Right.
It'll do 160 on the interstate.
Listen to this thing idle.
Take it out of gear.
Huh? Out of gear.
Aah! Ohh! (birds twittering) What do you think? Should we put the kids in the middle? Dad, can we use the intercom yet? Not yet.
We ran the speaker wires to the amplifier, down to the transformer, which we goosed up to give it what? More power! Yeah.
Dad, is the transformer the thing that you set on fire? You call that a fire? No, when I fixed the water heater, that was a fire.
All right, I should be able to get your mom now.
Hey, Jill, can you hear me? Jill can you hear me? Of course I can hear you.
I'm right behind you.
Thought you were in the garage.
We're testing out the new intercom.
Today is the day.
That you come to your senses and realize we don't need an intercom? The day I come to my senses is a long way off.
Mark, come on.
I'm gonna go buy you some clothes.
I wanna stay here until the intercom starts working.
Believe me, we'll be back way before that happens.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, Randy.
Hey, Jeremy.
How you doin'? Can't complain.
All right.
(intercom whistles and hums) What's that, The Emergency Broadcast System? Yeah.
We're at war with the English.
Apparently they want their muffins back.
(British accent) Line 'em up.
Give us our muffins.
Shine 'em up.
Put butter on 'em.
I want All right, boys Dad, could we? (normal voice) Oh.
Come on, we better get upstairs.
This thing could blow at any minute.
Wait a minute.
How can you blow up an intercom? You don't know my dad.
He blew up a dishwasher, a blender and seven toasters.
Two blenders, five toasters.
He's had so many accidents, the hospital gave him a preferred customer card.
Two more head injuries, we get a free trip to Hawaii! (intercom whistling and humming) (Jeremy) Boy, your dad's funny.
I wish my dad was like that.
(Randy) No, you don't.
My dad's a total goofball.
Ever see "Tool Time"? I thought all those screwups were just an act.
Are you kidding? They're thinking of changing the name of the show to "Fool Time.
" (both laugh) (intercom whistles and hums) Hi, Mom.
Where have you been? At the library.
Why, did they install video games there? No.
I went to check out a book.
You checked out a book? David Copperfield? Since when have you been into Charles Dickens? Mom, I love Charles Dickens.
"No author has more brilliantly captured the poignancy of youth.
" Give me a break.
Why did you check out that book? All right.
Jennifer's starting to like this new guy named Lance.
They talk about reading all the time, and this is Jennifer's favorite book.
So you said it was your favorite, too? Well, yeah.
Now I can talk to her about it.
You must be really worried about Jennifer, 'cause David Copperfield is a long book.
How bad can it be? On his last TV special, he made the Statue of Liberty disappear.
Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no.
Honey, no.
This is not David Copperfield the magician.
This is David Copperfield the tortured waif.
You know, 64 chapters' worth.
Oh, man.
"Oh, man" is right.
(intercom whistling and humming) Tim! Tim! What? Oh! The airplanes flying around are causing all the static on this thing.
Why don't you just call the airport and tell 'em that they're interfering with your intercom? (high-pitched whine) Stupid thing.
Stupid intercom! Is something bothering you? No.
So slugging the intercom is just part of the installation process? Does Randy seem different to you lately? What do you mean? He was making fun of me in front of Jeremy.
What kind of guy makes jokes at other people's expense? I don't know.
Maybe we should ask Al.
We work together.
We have a give-and-take relationship.
I give it, he takes it.
That's different.
Randy jokes about you, you joke about Randy.
That's just your relationship.
This is behind my back.
What were you doing, eavesdropping on him? No.
The intercom in his room was on.
I just heard him talking.
You mean it was actually working? For a second or so, yeah.
He was talking about how I screw up all the time at work.
Well Honey, it's not exactly a state secret.
He said they should change the name of the show from Tool Time to Fool Time? If this is really bothering you this much, I think you should talk to him about it.
I don't wanna talk to him.
You can't let stuff like this fester.
Sure I can.
Guys always let stuff fester.
Remember The Addams Family? Uncle Fester, not Aunt Fester.
Excellent point, Tim.
I'll call him down here.
Hey, Randy, come down here.
I want to talk to you for a minute.
(high-pitched whine) (man) Flight 211, you're clear for takeoff on runway seven.
Man, I finally got through the introduction.
Man, by the time you finish that book, Jennifer's gonna be a grandmother.
Yeah, but if I wanna keep her, I have to get through it.
Why? You never read anything for a girl before.
Yeah, but this is junior high.
You have to work a lot harder to impress the girls.
So sticking straws up your nose doesn't work anymore? Oh, no.
That's still big.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Dad.
Would you mind going downstairs for a minute so I can talk to Randy? Come on, Dad.
I'm trying to read.
You can read it later.
"David Copperfield"? That guy's great.
He made the Statue of Liberty disappear.
Wrong guy, Dad.
This is about the tragic waif.
Oh, yeah, the tragic waif.
Can we talk for a minute? If you wanted to talk to me, why didn't you just call me on the intercom? Or is that still picking up ambulance calls? You really bust my chops sometimes, you know? Well, Dad, you make it so easy.
But you could go over the line, like that little conversation with Jeremy.
We were just kidding around.
You think calling me names is kidding around? I didn't call you names.
I heard you call me a goofball.
What, were you standing outside my door? No, I heard it through the intercom.
Oh, so is that why you put it in No.
so you could spy on me? You ever hear of a thing called privacy? Have you ever heard of a thing called respect for your father? What about respect for me? You were eavesdropping.
It was an accident, kid.
The point is, you called my work Fool Time.
So? So? Tool Time puts clothes on your back and food in your stomach.
Look at me when I'm talking to you.
I heard what you said.
And? If you didn't grunt like an ape and break things all the time, maybe your show wouldn't be such a joke.
Hey, wait a minute.
My show's a joke? So that means I'm a joke to you? I got a joke for you.
I got a good joke for you.
Here's the punch line - a week.
What's the question? (imitates buzzer) Too late.
The question is, "How long are you gonna be grounded for?" That's a joke.
You're not laughing.
Maybe you heard that one before.
Hey, Mark, can you hear me? Mark, can you hear me?! What? Can you hear me on the intercom? Dad, I can't hear you! What? Dad, I can't read with all this yelling! Would you quiet down? Boy, how did we ever get along without this intercom? That's why I installed it, so we wouldn't have all this yelling.
Hey, Mark, tell you what.
Turn up the volume real loud! What?! Ahh! How's David Copperfield coming? Pretty slow.
Well, stick with it.
It's a classic.
What ever happens to Aunt Betsey? Aunt Betsey? Well Come on, honey.
What did happen to Aunt Betsey? You read the book, didn't you? Of course I read it.
I just don't want to spoil the ending for him.
(horn honks) Honey, get your bag.
See you, Dad.
Bye, Mom.
Bye, Dad.
Bye-bye, sweetie.
Get a coat on.
Here, Randy.
Bye, Mom.
(whispers) Say something to your father.
Oh, yeah.
Dad, by the way, I'm still getting the all-Spanish station through my intercom.
That's real funny.
Don't quit your day job.
Bye, sweetie.
Well, that was real adult.
(kid's voice) Well, he started it.
Honey, you know what kids are like this age.
They say a lot of really mean things.
Brad never called me a joke.
No, he just broke windows and got brought home by the police, you remember that? Why can't Randy be more like that? I was just like Randy when I was his age.
You wouldn't believe the things I used to say to my mother.
Worse things than I've said to her? Way worse.
I remember there was this one time, she called me a nickname She always called me this nickname, but this time she said it when I was 14.
We'd just moved to a new place, and she said it in front of all my new friends.
I was so mad at her.
You wouldn't believe the things that I called her.
Forget what you called her.
What was the nickname? Oh, yeah, like I'm really gonna tell you.
Come on, what was the nickname? You have to swear that you won't breathe a word of it to anybody.
Cross my heart, hope to die, hope a wrench hits me right in the eye.
(laughs) Jilly-Dilly.
I don't want to hear this name in this house ever again, all right? I might have to say it on Tool Time.
Don't you dare.
So, did you get what I was trying to tell you about Randy? I suppose.
It really hurts that he thinks that I'm a joke.
I try to be a real good father to these boys.
You're a great father.
And I'm a cool father.
Very cool.
I can burp with the best of 'em.
Yes, you can.
I can turn my eyelids inside out and do that.
Like nobody else.
I can flick ear wax That's why I married you.
(Heidi) Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo! Thank you, Heidi, and welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
What's the matter, Tim? You run out of stupid middle names? Is it my birthday? I don't always have to joke around.
This isn't Fool Time.
Today we begin the backyard fort.
Oh, boy, the kids'll love it.
We're gonna set our posts into the dirt, so we need post-hole digging, which is kind of tricky, so What the heck.
Let's not use the motorized one today.
I'll show you all how to use the manual post-hole digger.
It's simpler to use.
You're suggesting the manual one? I figured it'd be easier.
You've never suggested the manual anything.
I thought maybe Do you even know what "manual" means? Does everything have to be a joke around here? The important thing to remember when building anything for kids is safety.
You want to pad the whole base area with woodchips.
Every year, over a quarter of a million kids are hurt in playground accidents.
Keep that in mind.
Course, your original plans called for a homemade cannon.
Well, maybe I went a little over the top.
That's not my style today.
I find that a little hard to believe, Tim.
What's the catch? There is no catch.
I added a little something fun for the kids - a little signal button, almost like a doorbell for the fort.
Press that and listen to it.
OK, I know.
That wasn't in the plans, either.
What, your little bell will send 5,000 volts coursing through my body? While he stands back and yells, "Remember the Al-amo!" I just want you to press the bell.
I know It's just a setup, isn't it? It's one big setup.
It is not a setup! Soon you'll start in with the uncalled-for slams against my mother How she always shops in the husky section.
How she wiped out the all-you-can-eat salad bar.
I simply came out here to put this thing together.
Go ahead.
Just say it.
My mother is a big fat cow! Goodness gracious, Al.
We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.
Hi-ho, neighbor.
Look what I just found here in my yard.
Holy moly, Wilson.
It's a rock! Oh, no, Tim.
It's not just a rock.
This is laminated dolomitic micrite.
This was here even when the dinosaurs roamed the earth.
Imagine if this could talk.
Hey, brontosaurus! Why don't you aim that someplace else? (laughs) Always the jokester, Tim.
Not today.
I was real serious on Tool Time today.
I'm surprised by that, knowing your propensity for jocularity.
I did it to make a point with Randy.
He said I act like an idiot on the show.
Ooh, ouch.
That hurts.
Well, this may be small consolation, Tim, but parents are the bone on which children sharpen their teeth.
You're right.
That's no help at all.
What I'm saying is, when a boy is young, he worships his father.
In order for the boy to become a man, he's got to start seeing his father as a fallible human being, stop seeing him as a god.
It was easier when he thought of me as a god.
Well, you've still got some time left with Mark.
Yeah, I know, but I sure would miss this stuff with Randy.
Our relationship is real special.
He's a lot like me.
We make jokes about each other, but we laugh about it.
I'm sure you're gonna miss that, Tim, but for the next four, five years he's gonna seem like a different person.
I wasn't like that with my dad.
I worshipped him.
How old were you again when he died? How old is Randy now? (grunts) Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't have a chance to be rude to my dad, 'cause he died before I got the chance.
Boy, having kids is tough, you know? Why do you think I have rocks? Hi, Brad.
Hi, Mom.
What are you doing? You taking a break from David Copperfield? I stopped reading it.
I decided if a girl's gonna like me, she's gonna like me for who I am.
She dumped you, huh? Yep.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Are you OK? I mean, I know how much you like Jennifer.
Yeah, but she's really changed.
Now she's into reading and classical music.
When I first met her, she was into cool stuff like clothes and hair.
Well gee.
I guess this means that I'm not gonna get to see her anymore, huh? It's OK, Mom.
There'll be other girls.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
It's just that, you know I I really liked her, and I didn't get to say goodbye.
It feels kind of unresolved.
Do you want me to have her come over and she can dump you? Where's Randy? I think he's up in his room.
I gotta talk to him.
I just found out I'm not God.
Oh, Tim, I'm so sorry.
(mumbles) Hey, Randy, got a minute? According to you, I've got a week.
The other day, you said some things that were really out of line, but I've decided that to ground you is probably not the answer.
Catch you later.
Hold on a second.
I know what's going on here.
You're at the point in your life where you have to clean your teeth on my bones.
What? For the next couple years, you're not gonna be yourself.
Who am I gonna be? A little wise guy that smarts off to people that a lot of people will think is a big jerk.
Chip off the old block, eh? It's started already.
What? Adolescence - the age of obnoxiousness.
Every kid goes through this stuff, and I'm just gonna wait for you on the other side.
So you're saying it's OK for me to make fun of you? No, I didn't say that.
I said I understand it.
It's just your way of rebelling against me, I think.
Well, did you rebel against your father? Uh he died before I could be a real jerk.
He'd be proud if he could see you now.
Hey-hey That's another good example of high obnoxious art.
Uh, but the issue is here, I don't want you making jokes about my job.
Or me getting hurt and screwing things up.
Anything that makes me look bad.
What's left to joke about? Mom.
All right.
Hey, Dad I'm sorry that you never got a chance to be obnoxious with your father.
Me too.
You know, there was this one time when I was nine, I really got him steamed up, though.
He finally let me play with his butane torch.
Well, what happened? I got to ride in a fire truck and we got a new garage.
(horn honks/ siren wails) Hey, guys.
Nice shot.
Nice dunk.
You wanna hear something real funny about your mother? She's not really married to you? How long do you want to stay up in your room? Hey, don't blame me.
It was adolescence.
All right, listen, what do you think Nana called her when she was little? Jill? A name that might annoy her.
Back off, all right? What did she call her? When she was real little, Nana used to call her (Jill) Don't even think about it, Tim.
It works! Of course it works.
I know what I'm doing.
Al's down here.
He fixed it.
(Al) Hi, Tim.
How you doin'? Pretty good, Al.
So, what did Nana call Mom? I couldn't compromise her trust in me.
(Jill) I heard that Magic Marker.
Some unit, isn't it? Thank you, everybody, and thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tool Tim.
What the You all know my assistant Al Borland.
What's the matter, Tim? No stupid middle name? Did you r Is it my birthday? We don't always have (cackles)
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