Home Improvement s03e04 Episode Script

A Sew, Sew Evening

Blue 32.
Hi-hi-hike! Brad, go long.
All right.
Deeper! Deeper! Deep this, Mini Montana.
We were just about to take that outside.
Nice try.
Is Mom home? No.
Great! Go long by the couch.
Give me a down.
All right! Hey, didn't you sign up for an elective today? Yeah.
Let's go, Randy.
No, wait a minute.
I'm real proud of you.
Your first year of shop - the Year of the Ashtray.
Actually, Brad's taking home ec.
What? This is the Year of the Muffin.
No way! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Home ec? You really gotta take shop.
It's where you learn about tools, building things, tearing stuff down, and (grunts) Yeah, but home ec is me and 30 girls.
What do you wanna be around 30 girls for? Oh-ho-ho! I catch you.
Before you go jumping in a room with 30 girls, you really should take shop.
Why? Shop prepares you for women.
You learn how to cut wood.
How to sever a finger.
You learn pain.
Then you're ready for women.
Well, what do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? Hey, Tool Man! Oh! I watch you on TV all the time.
I love you.
I love you too.
Who are you? Joe Morton, your new neighbor.
I just moved into the house across the alley.
Hey, all right.
I saw the moving van.
Did I see a 50-inch-square TV? Know what's great on the big screen? What? Tool Time! Welcome to the neighborhood.
What line of work you in? I'm in meat.
You're The Tool Man, I'm The Meat Man.
Morton Meats.
You heard of us? Yeah! Yeah.
Eight locations.
Best meat in the Midwest.
You want a pen? There's a cow on there.
Turn it upside down, see what she does.
(mooing) Kind of like "moo" power.
That's great.
This hot rod's a beaut.
What year? This is '33.
Really? Look more like a '34 body on a '33 chassis to me.
No, it's all '33.
I'm no expert, but I go to the hot rod show every year.
Well, Meat Man, I built it myself.
It's a '33.
So, I guess a big-time cable TV host like you makes out pretty good, huh? I guess you could say I got the highest credit limit allowed at Sears.
Still, you can't be making Bob Vila money, right? He's on real TV.
It's common knowledge that Vila's overpaid for what he does.
Oh, I hit a nerve, huh? Don't sit on that.
Yeah, sure.
Whatever you're making, you must be doing OK.
Bought you one of these babies.
I'm OK.
I'm OK.
Don't worry about me.
I wasn't.
What kind of grill is that? Well, it's, um Oh! It's a dented reproduction of a '33 roadster.
Just tell me how much it cost.
I'll give you the cash now.
It was an accident.
I can pound that out.
I just figured I'd drive it before I put a dent in it.
That's funny! I like that, you can just shake things off.
I'm gonna get back on this windshield.
Don't mind me.
I'm a fly on the wall.
Wish I had some insect repellent.
I'll just buzz around and watch.
All right.
(horn blares) I really got something to do inside.
What is it? A little problem.
What's wrong? What's wrong? Uh It's my wife.
She's got this condition.
I gotta go wake her up, dress her, pour coffee down her throat to get her going.
I hear you, buddy.
No, that's not it Timmy, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
I see you on TV, I figure there's a guy who got it made.
Now I find out there's a dark side to The Tool Man.
Take care, buddy.
Here's your paper.
Beauty! Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo! (cheering) Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Y'all know my assistant, Al "God knows what's under that beard" Borland.
Today Al and I will be talking about fencing.
In order to do that, I'm gonna need my dueling dowel.
Heidi? Here you go, Tim.
Thanks, Heidi.
You're welcome.
En garde, big fella.
Come on, Flannel Man.
He's scared.
This is not the type of fencing we're talking about.
We're talking about the classic (audience gasps) (applause) Fencing champion, Gilmore High, 1976.
Al and I have done this to prove a point.
No, we haven't.
Just as Al defended himself against me, a sturdy fence is a great way to defend your home - the best way to keep out dogs, cats and a pesky neighbor.
The good thing is, you don't have to be a master carpenter to build one.
A big plus for you, Tim.
Could be.
As I said, this is the classic alternate-board fence.
We wanna show you how to keep that fence plumb.
For that, we need a jig.
Tim, the jig? ( hums jig) This will help keep your fence plumb, as well as help with spacing.
While Al's fiddling around with his plumb, I'll discuss another way to stop a pesky neighbor.
You guessed it, electrical shock.
(laughter) To demonstrate that, we've installed an invisible doggy fence.
We have? Yes.
Right through the floor here.
Now, Foo Foo wears a special collar.
When attached to him, it activates the fence.
If Foo Foo were dumb enough to try to stray, he gets a mild, correctional shock.
(buzzing) (yelping) Grr! (buzzing) (yelping) Now, this will work on that pesky neighbor if you can get him to wear the collar.
(laughter) Al, won't you be my neighbor? (laughter and applause) I don't think so, Tim.
Let's get back to building that fence.
We're gonna need more slats, so if you'll walk over and grab those slats for me, we can finish it.
Sure thing.
Could you get me those nails there, Tim? (buzzing) (laughter) So I said to the salesman, "Either give me a new pair of pantyhose, or I'll strangle you with these.
" Marie, you are so good with people.
You know, you gotta love you.
I learned that in therapy.
This may come as a surprise to you, but I used to be a meek person.
Oh, so was I.
Until we moved to Texas.
You can't be meek in Texas - it's a state law.
Can you get this? Oh, yeah.
Thanks a lot, Jill.
I know I'll find ours as soon as I finish unpacking.
Don't worry about it.
We always have extra toasters.
Tim goes through them quickly.
(chuckles) How about a piece of cake? I'd love some.
But I really shouldn't - my therapist says I have food issues.
Oh, please! Who doesn't? So you're in therapy? Yeah.
Started two weeks ago.
I got a coupon.
Discount therapy! This is an interesting idea.
Maybe I shouldn't tempt you.
What does that therapist know? He accepts coupons! So how about a little piece, then? How about a big hunk? OK! Tim, I want you to come over here and meet Marie.
She's volunteered to help me with the library fundraiser.
You finally hooked somebody.
I got a piece of cake out of the deal, too.
Nice to meet you, Marie.
Hi, handsome.
Thank you.
There you go.
I want to sit and chitchat, but I'm gonna go put the grill on.
I'll show it to you later.
I thought you already did that today.
I didn't tell you.
I met our new neighbor, Mr.
Meat Man, Mr.
This guy comes over, breaks the grill Did he happen to give you a pen? Yeah, with a big cow on.
Know the guy? Mm, I'm married to him.
Oh, yeah! Wait a minute.
I said "obnoxious" - I meant "gregarious.
" Listen, no need to explain to me.
I call him a lot worse, believe me.
I gotta go home, Jill.
I gotta cook some supper.
But you didn't finish your cake! I'm taking it with me.
Oh, OK.
I'll walk you out.
All right.
See you later, dollface.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, Tim.
While I'm gone, can you try to get your foot out of your mouth? I'm gonna pound you! Hey, hey, cut it out.
You're supposed to be setting the table.
What's going on? Word got out about lover boy's idea to meet girls.
Every guy in the seventh grade signed up for home ec.
Dad, they put us in separate class - 30 boys and no girls.
And we have to sew! I'd like to help you out, Brad, I really would.
But I got a whole drawer full of socks that need darning.
Man! And maybe after that you can crochet me a sweater.
You gotta still set that table! No running in the house! Nice going, as usual, Tim! I smoothed it over, though.
We're having dinner with Joe and Marie on Saturday.
We don't wanna do that! I do.
I like Marie.
I don't like Joe.
You don't know that guy.
You only spent a couple of minutes with him.
And he's loud, obnoxious, thinks he knows about cars.
Why does this sound familiar? Oh, look, you like Marie? Why don't you go out with Marie? Come on, they're new in the neighborhood.
They don't know anybody.
Besides, it's an opportunity for us to go out with another couple for a change.
Well, pick another couple.
How about Jack and Suzanne? They don't like you.
We could go out with the couple we went out with last weekend? Al and his mother do not constitute a couple.
Al's mother by herself constitutes a couple.
"Where's the meat?" You're going! Grr! I'll tell you what.
Let's just go to the salad bar - we can be out of here in one hour.
Oh, right.
And if we don't chew, we can be out of here in five minutes.
Hey, Tool Man! Oh! Finally, I'm meeting Mrs.
Tool Man.
Honey, honey, her name's Jill.
Hey, Jill.
Hi, Joe.
Come here.
I'm a hugger.
I'm a shaker.
Sit down! Sit down, please.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Tonight everything's on The Meat Man.
Don't look at the prices.
Order whatever you want.
Ah, chicken I'll have.
You don't come to a place like the Chuck House for chicken.
You want steak.
Honey, let him order what he wants.
Why don't you try the steak? I don't want the steak.
I'd like the chicken.
But you can get chicken anywhere.
I like the chicken here.
No, you want the steak here.
They make it so rare, you need eight rolls to sop up the blood.
I think I'll have the chicken.
Jill, you gotta have the steak.
It's just what the doctor ordered for your condition.
What condition? Tell us about the steaks.
I told you, she doesn't have a condition.
Tim said she did.
He's right you can go anywhere for chicken.
Let's have steaks.
And what condition would that be, Tim? Tim said you got no pep and you stay in bed for days at a time.
And why did you say that?! I didn't say that.
Yeah, you did.
I did not.
Then what did you say? I was in the garage.
I can't remember what I say in the garage 'cause of the fumes.
Look, the drinks are here.
Oh, boy.
We didn't order any drinks.
Joe took the liberty.
For the three of us, I got Cabernet Sauvignon.
And for you, Jill, I got, uh this.
What is this? It's a Shirley Temple.
Yeah, Tim told me about your other little problem.
Excuse me, waitress? Can you bring us some extra rolls, please? I'm gonna need 'em to sop up all the blood.
(horror film on TV) I'm never gonna finish this stupid hat.
Well, then you won't get a chance to make the skirt that goes with it.
How'd you like a split lip? Great.
You'd get extra credit for sewing it back up.
Hey, hey! All right, all right! Cool down, you guys.
Randy, don't make fun of your brother.
Sewing is a valuable skill that has served me well.
You know how to sew? You're darn tootin'! And I learned to sew in the navy.
I didn't know you were in the navy.
Signed up when I was 18.
Wanted to travel the world, cast my fortune to the wind, sail the seven seas.
Where'd you sail? Nowhere.
I was stationed in Fallon, Nevada.
(garage door opening) Holy smokes, your folks are home! Quick, turn that off.
Get up to bed.
Mark! Mark, wake up.
Wake up, you gotta go to sleep.
But I was sleeping.
So, how was the evening? Great.
I'm hungry.
I thought you went out to dinner.
His steak was a little rare.
A little rare? That steak had a bell on it! Where are those cookies? I ate them.
All of 'em? You're not paying me.
You said I could eat whatever I wanted.
Don't pay any attention to him.
He's probably just upset because his wife has severe emotional problems.
I told Joe that to get him out of the garage.
We've discussed this.
So you said, "My wife is a slug"? I was desperate.
Where are those little sausages? Al, Tim told our new neighbors that I was a depressed alcoholic with a sleeping disorder.
Only an insensitive jerk would have repeated that.
If you wanted those sausages, you should have told me.
Would you shut up?! This isn't Al's problem.
No, the problem is The Meat Man.
No, the problem is your brain serves no function other than keeping your head from caving in! (softly) Wilson.
Wilson! Wilson.
Tim? Wilson, you up? I am now.
Have you ever had a real annoying neighbor? Tim, is this a trick question? No, I'm talking about that guy next door to me.
He just moved in - Joe.
He's already bugging me.
I know the feeling, Tim.
That guy is such a pain in the butt.
Just being around him gives me a headache.
Tim, you wouldn't happen to have an aspirin on you, would you? What would you do? Well, what I would do, when I'm face-to face with an irksome individual, I always say look for the good in people.
And that works? Most of the time.
And if it doesn't I take his ball away.
Hey, Tool Man.
(clank) Boy, you're jumpy! Do you ever use the front door, Joe? You really got me in hot water with your wife.
I kept trying to figure out why you'd tell me a lie like that.
Then it comes to me.
You're having an affair, right? No, I'm not having an affair.
OK, then I know what it is.
You hate me.
I wouldn't say that Hey, don't apologize.
I know The Meat Man comes on strong sometimes.
I'm not everybody's cut of beef.
I'm sorry.
Hey, look.
I'm the one who should apologize for that stupid story.
Well, I should learn how to let people eat chicken.
Anyway, Tool Man, I got something for you.
That's all right, Joe.
You didn't need to do that.
Hey! Hey! This is an original '33.
Yeah, well, I felt real bad about denting your fake one.
These are impossible to find.
I looked for two years.
Not for The Meat Man.
I called in a few favors, drove to Ohio, bingo-bango, you got yourself a grill.
The grill of my dreams! This must have cost a fortune.
Don't worry about it.
I'm doing great.
When the hot rod's all done, give me a spin around the block, we'll call it even, OK? You got it.
See you around, buddy.
Thanks, Joe.
Was that Joe's voice I heard? Yeah.
Look what he did.
He found an original grill for the '33 - an original! You know, like I always say, you just gotta find the good in people.
So now you like The Meat Man? (grunts) Yeah, I like Meat Man.
And honey, I apologize for making up that stupid story.
I was out of line.
But you know what? If you and Marie want to go out as a couples, I'm in.
Marie and I definitely wanna go out as couples.
All right.
We just gotta find two other guys.
Yeah, Jerry.
Oh, you want us to see your vacation videos? Oh, that's too bad.
We can't do it.
No, no.
Tim's working late.
No, he's not here.
I'm so sorry.
Maybe some other time.
OK, bye-bye.
Liar, liar, bra's on fire! So you wanna go to over to Jerry and Sheila's, and watch them argue their way through Europe? That's not the point.
Why is it I can't lie about you and you can lie about me? Because I'm better at it! Tim, if you're gonna lie about me, you have to use common sense.
Hold on.
We have to find another guideline.
Why don't we just sit down and discuss acceptable lies and non-acceptable lies.
I'll give you some, all right? Lie number one "I can't go out tonight because my wife is accepting a Mother of the Year award.
" OK.
All right, lie number two.
"I can't go out tonight because my wife is finishing her third book.
" Reading it or writing it? Very funny! All right, I'm getting the vibe.
"We can't go out tonight because my wife is braiding her back hair.
" Not acceptable! A little over the top? Yeah.
All right.
"I can't go out tonight because my wife will be hugging me and smothering me in romantic kisses.
" Acceptable, but nauseating.
I always say look for the good in people.
And that works? Most of the time.
And if it doesn't I miss the ball! I always say look for the good in people.
And that works? Most of the time.

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