Home Improvement s03e06 Episode Script

Crazy For You

Guys, here she comes.
Get ready.
Mom, my mouth hurts.
You see what happens when you don't floss? Hey, all right.
Blood capsules.
You know what goes really good with those? (Brad) What? Hi, baby.
Hi, sweetie.
Pus pellets.
(Jill) Ew! I got yellow and green ones, enough for all you guys, but don't squeeze 'em until Halloween.
All right.
Oh, Dad.
Now we have all this Halloween junk.
Skeletons, brains and mummy-wrapping tape.
Gotta have wrapping tape.
You don't want to see your mummy naked.
Very funny.
Dad, I don't see any rubber guts.
How can we have a Halloween party without rubber guts? Let me tell you something, little mister.
When I was your age, we didn't have rubber guts.
We had to use real guts.
This is why you're lucky to have two parents.
I got these from the rubber-guts catalog.
(boys) All right.
Here's your stomach, your large intestine, a spleen, some colon.
Mom, you are too cool.
Thank you, sweetie.
Oh, good! You got the carrot cake.
They did a great job.
They got those candy corns in the shape of jack-o'-lanterns.
Look at this thing.
Aah! What do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? As you can see, with the Binford Light Oak stain, you get a nice honey-colored (mouths) finish.
That's right, Al.
When you're all finished with this, you wanna put a thin coat of Binford polyurethane on there.
Now Binford provides this in an economical two-gallon size.
Al, you want to pop the top? Be glad to, Tim.
Aah! Al Al Al Al Al.
I can't believe you fell for the old "head in the polyurethane" gag.
I guess this must mean Halloween is just around the corner.
Or else you've found a sick new way to celebrate Columbus Day.
Nope, Halloween.
No, no, no, no, no! I can see by the clock on the wall that we have way too many minutes left.
So we can do a quick pose-off, Al and I.
(imitates Schwarzenegger) Come on, Maria, show me your biceps.
Or we could get to some viewer mail.
Heidi, the mail, please.
Here you go, Tim.
This one came with cookies.
And a rose! All right.
"Dear Tim, I'm your biggest fan.
"I watch you every day and dream about you every night.
I hope you like these cookies I baked.
" You bet I will.
"Your admirer, Rose.
" This is the second letter I've gotten from Rose this week.
Did you hear that, Al? She dreams about me every night.
It sounds like she has a sleeping disorder.
Al, don't be jealous, don't be jealous.
You'll get some letters one day.
Change your name to "Occupant.
" That wouldn't be necessary, Tim.
Heidi, my mail, please.
Here you go, Al.
Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.
If Tim's face appears green, don't adjust your TV.
It's just envy.
Yeah, but anybody can get letters like that.
I got cookies.
Boys! I really am grateful to you for helping me with this party.
What else have I got to do? Joe's out of town.
I can think of a few things I'd like to do when Tim's out of town.
Like what? (door closes) Change the locks.
Hi, honey.
(Jill) Whoa! You should start scrubbing with a stronger soap.
Oh, no.
What's gonna pop out of that? Nothing.
That's some cookies a fan made me.
Yeah, right.
You have a fan.
Her name is Rose, and she sent me two letters this week.
Let's see.
No! Don't touch that.
It's probably full of slimy eyeballs or something.
Ooh! Cookies! Give me one.
You made fun of me.
How about me? No.
You're her friend.
Hey, Dad.
Hi, Mom.
Hey, guys.
Hi, sweetie.
Ooh, nice warts.
Yeah? Wait till you see what I got your mom.
I got her the biggest, hairiest mole they make.
This is gonna go well with that armpit hair you gave me last Halloween.
Is that good? Hey, guys, what are you gonna be for Halloween? We're gonna be the Three Stooges.
Yes! That's great! I grew up with those guys.
I love those guys.
The Stooges.
Moe for his leadership qualities.
Larry for his quick wit.
Curly for his ability to go, "Whoo-whoo-whoo!" (both) Whoo-whoo-whoo.
Of all the people in the world, why do you wanna be the Stooges? They're obnoxious, they're constantly hitting each other It just became clear.
What is it with the Stooges? All men seem to adore them, even the smart ones.
I don't think that Einstein did.
Are you kidding? Einstein was a big Stooge fan.
Why do you think he wore his hair like Larry's? Yeah, that'll work.
That'll scare everybody.
(phone rings) Oh.
Hang in there.
Happy Halloween.
Rose? Rose - Cookie Rose? Sure, I got the cookies.
Thank you very much.
What? You're in love with me? You want me? It's a gag, Jill.
It's not that funny.
Of course you're not Jill.
Oh, no.
How silly of me.
No, no.
In that case, I love you, too.
We should go some Alone, alone.
Jill won't know.
Yeah, my wife, she's real slow.
Excuse me? Yeah, Jill, yeah.
Hi, Ji - Jill, you're not on the phone? And you call me slow? That means this is Rose, the woman that sent me the cookies.
She says she wants me.
Tell her she can have you.
You tell her.
You can have him.
Hello? Hello? There is no one here, Tim.
You are so full of it! Is a little head gonna pop out of here now? No.
She was on the phone.
How could she get our number? It's unlisted.
How the heck do I know? But Rose was on the phone.
Yeah, right.
Look, Tim, I know how badly you want a fan.
Just hang in there.
One of these days, you'll get one.
Hey, Wilson.
Hi-dee-ho and boo, good neighbor.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Let's say you wanted my phone number.
How would you get it? I already have your phone number.
I know.
What if you didn't have it? I suppose I'd just ask you for it.
What if you didn't know me? Then why would I want to call you? Boy, I wish I was friendly with some of the other neighbors around here.
(laughs) What is troubling you, my little fence friend? All right.
I got kind of an odd call by this woman who sent me a fan letter at work.
My phone number's unlisted.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
That is a concern.
I hope you're not dealing with an obsessed fan.
No, no, no, no, Tim.
Sometimes they see somebody on TV, they start idolizing that person.
Sometimes they even send them gifts.
Like chocolate macadamia nut cookies? That's a good and tasty possibility.
Though I'd be very cautious about eating anything that they send.
Oh, Marie, it is going so well.
This is gonna get Tim back for every Halloween prank he ever pulled on me.
The severed thumb in my Jell-O.
Yeah, the tarantula in my underwear drawer.
Well, Wilson is in on it, too.
Yeah, yeah.
He's freaking him out even more.
Tim, I wouldn't worry about it.
If the cookies were poisoned, you'd feel the effects by now.
I don't know.
I got this burning-bile feeling in there now.
You're gonna be fine.
Listen, I'll talk to you later, Marie.
I mean, I should say (soft and seductive) Rose.
(evil laugh) Yeah.
(doorbell rings) Is that you, Rose? Hello.
Nice to see you, too.
I thought you were some crazed wacko.
Oh, I'm just your run-of-the-mill wacko.
Tim, put the bat down.
I'm so sorry, Marie.
Remember that woman that sent him the cookies? He's convinced that she's obsessed with him.
You want some coffee? Yeah, I'd love some.
Wilson said sometimes obsessed fans will send you poisoned food.
Ooh! That's true.
Those cookies had a lot of butter in them.
Butter's very high in cholesterol.
She could be trying to kill you slowly.
Tim, I got some jack-o'-lanterns in the car.
Will you get 'em for me? You bet.
Unless you are afraid that Rose is hiding in the backseat.
(hisses) You want some cream or sugar? No, thanks.
(door closes) He really looks nervous.
Yeah, he's a total wreck.
Isn't it great? It's the very best prank I've seen since we superglued Grandma to the toilet seat.
You what? Hey, she wasn't my grandma.
(laughs) Here he comes.
Jill, I think you should take this Rose thing seriously.
I'm in therapy, so I know for a fact there are a lot of nuts out there.
But why would anyone be obsessed with Tim? Because I'm very obsessable.
Oh, Tim.
I'm married to you, and I barely think about you.
You think this is real funny, don't you? There could be a woman out there fantasizing about me right now.
What is she fantasizing, that you come over to her house late at night, bring some wine and blow up her garbage disposal? Jill, I don't think you should joke about this.
These people can be dangerous.
Do you really think so? I think Tim should watch his step.
You're welcome.
Well, maybe you're right.
Tim, I think you should phone in sick today.
No way.
I will not live my life in fear.
D-oh! That unkinked my colon.
Get out of the way! Hey, Al.
Tim? Did you notice whether there were any women in the audience today? I didn't notice, but there's always a few.
Why? No reason.
Hey, do me a favor.
Would you go out there and see if any of them look obsessed? Obsessed? Yeah.
The same look you get when you're sitting in front of a plate of pancakes.
And here they are, those two guys who are no fools when it comes to tools - Tim Taylor and Al Borland! Whoo! (applause and cheering) Thank you.
Welcome to Tool Time.
Golly, there's a lot of women in the audience today, Heidi.
That's right, Tim.
This afternoon, we're honored to have with us the Women's Sharpshooters Club of Detroit! Well, welcome, sharpshooters.
I am Tim Taylor.
This is Tool Time.
You all know my assistant - Al "Bull's-Eye" Borland.
You know, a lot of people don't know that Tool Time isn't just about home improvement.
It's also about frisking people.
Would you take the honors today, Al? I don't think so, Tim.
Today, we're going to be talking about insulating windows.
Yes, we are.
Caulking, window insulation And that's all the time we have.
Have a safe drive home.
Tim! Tim! Come in to the crowd.
Get the crowd.
I wanna see the whole audience.
I gotta see the girls out here.
Tim! We're not gonna talk about windows, are we? Why do we have projects? Why do we even have a show? I'm having a little difficulty Tim, I found this.
It was addressed to you.
It's a rose.
Get this outta here.
Men and women sure react differently to getting flowers.
You should at least read it.
I don't wanna read it.
"My dearest Tim, I'm in the front row today.
Tonight, I'll be even closer when I'm at your Halloween party.
" Great.
"Don't reject my affections, or you'll be sorry.
" Al, don't you think it's mean, what were doing to Tim? Yes, I do.
Hi, Shirl.
It's me - Al.
Aah! ( spooky) (screaming) Excuse me.
Hey, good to see you.
Who is that? Nice party, Tim.
Nice hair.
Honey, what were you thinking about when you picked out these costumes? A widow and a corpse? By the time I got there, there wasn't much left.
It was either a corpse or Bob Vila.
What's the difference? Is it my imagination, or are we surrounded by death tonight? Death was a very hot costume this year.
Black is very slimming.
Why don't these people just get dressed up as licorice? Honey, will you relax? Nobody's gonna get by Al unless they're on the guest list.
Oh, yeah, our crack security ape.
(Tim) Al? Al.
Hey! Hey! Banana breath! You let another fiend slip by.
Oh, no, that's OK.
That's just Reverend McDonald.
Hi, Reverend.
Boy, It's it's hot in there.
Put your mask back on.
You're scaring all the kids.
Just watch the door.
Please? All right, I will.
I'm gonna change that music.
It's too spooky for Halloween.
Aah! Hello.
(all) Hello! Wait a minute.
Why did your father dress you all alike? We all wanted to be Moe.
Spread out, knuckleheads.
Ow! Oh.
Wise guys, eh? Ohh! Ohh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (all) Ow! Hey! Don't do that, Wilson.
I'm sorry, Tim.
I didn't mean to frighten you, but a lady asked me to give this to you.
It's a rose.
That was my first reaction.
Where is she? She seems to have disappeared.
A lady dressed all in red.
Had an air of menace about her.
Did she? Uhh.
Oh, boy.
(all) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Excuse us for a minute.
Rose is here.
Rose, the obsessed fan? No, Rose Kennedy.
Yes, Rose, the obsessed fan! Where is she? Right over there.
This is so creepy.
Maybe you should call the police.
Maybe you're right.
Wait, no! Don't do it down here.
You'll scare the guests.
Go upstairs.
Promise me one thing.
If anything happens to me, shoot the ape.
Oww! Operator? What's the number for 911? Slow down.
(knock on door) Jill? Guess again.
It's Rose.
I'll be right there.
I'm just going to fix my face.
Come on in.
Come on.
Aah! Trick or treat! (whooping and laughter) You look beautiful! (Al) That was a great trick! The king of Halloween is dead.
Long live the queen.
( romantic) What's all this stuff? I thought I'd put a little romance back in Halloween.
I've always been attracted to dead, pasty-faced guys.
You better kiss me before rigor mortis sets in.
Care to dance, my widow woman? I'd love to, Dead Astaire.
Nice party.
Spin me, Mr.
Spin me.
You got it.
Aah! The king is back! He's got one arm, but the king is back.
Thank you.
As you can see, with the Binford Light Oak stain, you will get a nice honey-colored finish.
(laughter) With the Binford Light Oak stain, you'll get a nice honey-colored finish.
That's right.
When you're through with that, you'll want to put a light, little (gibberish) on top.
(man) Oh Oh, what?
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