Home Improvement s03e07 Episode Script

Blow Up

You want your bedroom the color of a football.
Your wife wants it the color of a daisy.
What color do you prefer, men? Football! Hey, hey! Daisy.
(cheering) Well, Tim, I like my bedroom to be light and airy.
Just like Al.
We're going to paint the bedroom the color of a football.
Now, how do we match this color perfectly? We use the Binford Right.
It mixes the color and analyzes the pigments.
Would that be the Three Little Pigments? No, Tim, it wouldn't.
Sure it would.
Take your football, set it underneath the electric eye, press your color key, and boom - we've got ourselves Touchdown Brown.
And this works with more than just footballs.
You can duplicate any of your favorite colors.
That's right.
Antifreeze Green, Roadkill Gray Oh.
Smash-Your-Thumb- With-A-Hammer Purple.
But today, we develop a color just for Tool Time - the color Al.
Excuse me, Tim? I'm gonna make a color out of you.
You'll be bigger than Fuchsia.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
Let's show 'em what the machine can do.
Play along, Al.
That's not what the machine Al, just put your finger in there.
There you go.
One part Pasty White, two parts Flannel.
I don't wanna be a color.
Neither did Red, and look how well things turned out for him.
Computer's in.
All right.
(burbling) Oh, yeah.
Now we got a bucket of Al, and I'm ready to paint with Big Al here.
Of course, Al is economical in the gallon size here.
Al goes on smooth, just like that.
The Al paint can be cleaned up with soap and water.
Unlike the real Al, which needs turpentine and a wire brush.
For larger jobs - industrial buildings and warehouses - we suggest a roller and a couple of gallons of Al's mom.
What do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? Hey, Tim.
Hey, Joe.
What's up? Hey, what are you doin'? Taking my hot rod apart.
Didn't you just put this thing together? Or am I nuts? Bingo on both counts.
I'm taking it apart piece by piece, send it to my paint guy - Fred Axleby.
Should be all ready to go in two months.
Two months? I got a paint guy who'll spray it in one hour.
You don't even have to get out of the car.
In one hour? Will he develop my film? Oh.
So, is Marie over here? She and Jill are in looking at dresses for that library fund-raiser thing.
Which is why I'm in the garage.
Women and clothes! Why do they make such a big deal out of what they wear? It's important.
In my case, I'm thinking about a three-piece pin-striped blue suit with tasseled loafers.
But I'll almost certain I'm gonna go with the off-the-shoulder taffeta gown with the pumps.
That's what I'm wearing.
I'll go with the sling-backs.
That's a good look for you.
That is beautiful! I don't know.
It is really expensive.
Oh, God! Even my butt looks good.
Come on, Jill.
You know you deserve this dress.
The library is halfway at its goal because of you.
Why else do you think we're having a dinner in your honor? No, I can't.
I don't even know if I can sit down in this thing.
So what? It's a buffet.
Hey, hon.
Hey, Jill.
(Jill) Hi, Joe.
Tim, how sensational does Jill look in this dress? Wow! She looks good.
I've always liked her in that dress.
Tim, this is brand-new.
You've never seen it before.
On you.
I've seen it.
Al's got that dress.
Tim, tell her to forget about the money and buy the dress, please.
Honey, buy the dress.
You never do anything nice for yourself.
You know how you are.
What do you mean? How am I? You're tight, thrifty, cheap, cheap-o.
I am not cheap! I'm frugal.
Frugal? You save pickle juice.
I re-use it in the tuna fish.
If you like the dress, buy it.
We'll save money some other way.
We won't feed the kids for a couple of months.
Hey, I got a dress guy who'll get you the same thing for half.
Really? For half? Mm-hmm.
Not a knockoff? Not a second? The same exact dress.
It's completely on the up and up.
What's his name? Can't say.
Well, what's his number? No, you don't call him.
He calls you.
And when he calls, you say, "The swallows fly at midnight.
" No, really.
Is this on the up and up? You swear? I guarantee it.
I've known the guy for years.
I'll have him call you tomorrow.
But make sure, because I gotta have this by the end of the week.
There's the designer, this is the dress size.
Don't tell anybody.
I'd better get this off before I do something to it.
See you later, Marie.
And thank you, Joe! Sure.
Tim, the photo lab called.
They said you didn't bring in the picture yet.
Picture? The picture of Jill you were supposed to bring in three weeks ago.
Picture? The one we're gonna blow up and have everyone sign at the dinner.
The picture.
You gotta get it to the photo lab by six if we're gonna have it on Saturday night.
No problem.
All right.
You know, it's 5:30 now.
Big problem.
Huge problem.
I know.
I can't believe the dress isn't here yet.
We have to be there in 25 minutes.
Why did I ever get involved with Joe's dress guy? Because you're frugal.
(Jill sighs) You should never have let me return that dress.
I tried to talk you into buying the dress.
Don't argue with me now, please.
We've got to get out of here.
Come on.
You look great.
I'm wearing a bathrobe! Put on some slippers.
Let's go.
Why don't you wear that slinky blue dress that's low-cut I don't have a blue dress.
Then who was that? Oh, I remember.
Oh, ho-ho! (doorbell rings) Oh, good.
He's finally here.
Oh, no.
It's just Al.
It's not exactly "Glad to see you," but I'll take it.
It's just that I'm waiting for somebody.
Well, you look great.
I'm wearing a robe.
Doesn't anybody notice? I'm wearing a robe! Hey, guys.
Hey, Al! All right! Yeah! Hey! I got a big evening planned for us tonight.
Can we go see Blood-Sucking Vampires From Mars? No, you're not seeing that movie.
Why not? I wanna see that as a family.
No, we're not gonna go see a movie tonight.
I thought we'd do something a little more interactive.
How does miniature golf at the Putt Putt Panorama sound? Hey, cool! They have an awesome video arcade.
No, no, no! You don't go to Putt Putt to play video games.
You go there for one thing and one thing only - miniature golf.
All right! Let's go! I don't know.
I'd rather see a movie.
I wanna see The Nuttiest Raccoon.
The Nuttiest Raccoon? Trust me, Mark, it's a big disappointment.
He was not that nutty.
I can't believe I had to wear this dress.
Everybody's seen it.
I've worn it a thousand times.
I've taken it in, out, up, down Jill, I'm really sorry about this.
But you'll be happy to know that, as of this minute, I'm getting a new dress guy.
Joe, don't take this the wrong way, but I have to kill you.
Honey, honey.
The parking-lot attendant loved this dress.
He said his mom's got one like it.
Marie, come with me.
I gotta go fix my face.
Good idea.
Not that There's nothing wrong with I didn't There's no reason Boy, your wife is really steamed.
Welcome to my world.
There's Jill's picture.
I'll write something nice on it.
Maybe she won't be so mad at me.
That's the picture you picked out? It looked a lot better on her driver's license, I'll tell you that.
You blew up her driver's license? It's all I could find.
She hid all the photo albums.
Oh, boy, are you in trouble.
I'm dead.
I'm past dead.
I'm deader than dead.
You know, but the good news is, I'm off the hook.
I'm gonna get something to eat.
Honey, honey.
You don't wanna go in there.
Why not? You're the guest of honor.
We gotta make a big hit.
Let's go in the back way.
No, no, no.
There is no back way.
There is no back way.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let's go through the basement, get in the heating ducts, crawl up, at the right time, pop through a vent, "Hi.
I'm Jill.
" What?! Trust me.
I have a TV show.
In front of an audience, it'll be huge! Tim, quit kidding.
I wanna show Jill the surprise we got her.
No, you don't.
What surprise? The committee did something special, but we can't take all the credit.
Remember, Tim picked out the picture.
Oh, honey.
You gave me a surprise.
That's so nice.
Gosh, darn it.
Why don't we all see the surprise together? (gasps) You blew up my driver's license picture?! That's the surprise.
I gotta go fix my face.
Well, honey all in all, it was a pretty good evening, wasn't it? It was a great speech.
Ah, that roast beef was good, wasn't it? Who would've thought of serving potatoes with the roast beef? What was that sauce they had, special sauce they had? Gravy.
But it was beef gravy, it was spiced, it was so Shut up, Tim.
How could you blow up my driver's license picture? How could you do that? Well, it was better-looking than your passport photo.
Were there only two choices here? Tim, there's tons of pictures of me in this house.
I didn't have time.
Why not? 'Cause Marie sprang this on me at the last minute.
The last minute? The very last minute.
If she'd given me some time, I'd have picked out a perfect picture.
So you're just saying this was all Marie's fault.
I wouldn't want to point the finger at her.
In fact, I wouldn't even mention it to her.
Who are you calling? The time.
Oh, I got the time.
It's 9:35.
Hello, Marie? Oh, boy.
How much time did you give Tim to get that picture? Three weeks.
Yeah, yeah.
Thanks, Marie.
Hey, how's Marie? Three weeks.
You said the last minute.
Who are you gonna believe? My my guess would be Marie.
Thank you for ruining one of the most important nights of my life.
It didn't ruin it.
You raised all the money.
People loved your speech.
Oh, come on.
There is a bright spot.
Everybody was laughin' so hard at the picture, they didn't see that skaggy dress you have on.
(door slams) Hey, why don't I just sleep on the couch? We're back! Hey, Dad, I beat Al.
I got a hole in one.
Yes, he got a hole in one! Do we have to keep hearing about it? Brad got a hole in one.
Yippee, yippee, yippee.
Sounds like you ruffled a few feathers.
When he plays miniature golf, he's like a different person.
That could be a good thing.
Dad, he's psycho golfer.
I happen to take the game seriously.
Al, it's just miniature golf.
Dad, he brought his own clubs.
Even a 7-iron.
He made a little girl cry.
Well, she walked right in front of the clown's mouth! Well, something had to be said.
The manager kicked us out.
Al is now banned for life from the Putt Putt Panorama.
Well, big deal! As soon as that manager graduates from high school, I'll be back.
While you're waitin', Al, why don't you look into Miniature Golfers Anonymous? Oh, boy.
That is a terribly nice picture of you.
Thanks a lot, Al.
(boys) Hi, Mom.
Whoa! Mom, is that you? That's the worst picture I've ever seen.
You look like the Nuttiest Raccoon.
Your father picked it out.
Way to go, Dad.
Wouldn't wanna be in your shoes, bud.
Go to bed! Brush your teeth! I'm I'm real sorry about this picture, Jill.
Look, I'm not just upset about the picture.
I'm upset because of the fact that you never even realized how important this whole night was to me.
I know now.
You should've known before.
I've been talking about the library fund-raiser for months, and every time I do, your eyes just glaze over, and you go, "Uh-huh.
" Uh-huh.
Honey, that's how I concentrate.
So, you're saying that you heard everything I said about the library fund-raiser? Yeah.
It's right up here.
Yeah? Well what are we raising money for? The library.
What part of the library? The part of the library that needs money raised for it.
You see? It's useless.
I guess it's too much to expect you to put yourself aside and think of me for a change.
Wait a minute.
You don't always listen when I'm telling you stuff that's important to me.
Tim, when you talk, I listen.
Really? Yeah! Uh-huh.
What kind of carburetors are on the hot rod? Holley double pumpers.
Holley What? Holley double pumpers.
I've told you about the engine.
What kind of engine do I have in the hot rod? Huh? bored 30 over with a 400 crank.
Tires? Aha! They're 195s! And you say you listen to me.
Is it written on here somewhere? Hi-ho, neighbor.
Hidey-ho, Wilson.
Jill! What a pleasant surprise.
You're out late.
Just doing a little stargazing.
You know, they say if you had a strong enough telescope, you could look back in time to very early man before his brain was fully developed.
Come over to our house.
You can see the same thing without a telescope.
Trouble in the Taylor galaxy? Yeah.
It's the Big Dip.
Tim? I just don't think he's ever gonna change.
When I first met him, I thought he had such great potential for sensitivity.
But here it is 15 years later, and he's still stuck at "potential.
" Well, Jill, I can understand your frustration.
You know, it's been said that men marry women hoping they won't change.
Women marry men hoping they will.
Are you saying there's no hope? No, not necessarily.
In the time I've known Tim, I've seen him progress and evolve significantly.
We're talking about Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor? Yes, indeed.
As a matter of fact, when he first moved in, I had to remind him when your birthday was.
Now I just have to remind him to get a gift.
Well, I guess that's some improvement.
His table manners are better.
It's been a while since I've seen him shoot peas out his nose.
Well, there you go.
It's just he's evolving so slowly.
Well, Jill, I'm reminded of an old Chinese proverb - Be not afraid of growing slowly.
Be afraid only of standing still.
I'm sure that Tim will eventually become the man you want him to be.
Yeah, but with my luck, he'll be 101, and he'll listen to everything I say, but he won't know who I am.
Today on Tool Time, the name of the game is frames.
You can frame a house.
You can frame your lenses.
You can frame a co-worker.
Tim, we're supposed to be talking about picture frames.
A good frame can accentuate the beauty of any subject.
Of course, there's exceptions to every rule.
We'll be cutting our wood at a 45-degree angle with our miter box.
While Al's busy working, I'd like to veer off the subject for a little bit, if I could.
I don't think men know just how selfish we can be sometimes.
It might come to a shock to the audience here, but the old "Tool Man" can be a little insensitive at times.
I know I'm taken aback.
(mouths) How often do we put ourselves aside and think about the women in our lives we cherish? I know all the wives out there know I'm kidding around I know there's some point to this, but I'm not seeing it.
I was thinking about what you said, so I got you something special.
(gasps) Tim, I don't believe you did this.
I just wanted everyone to see you like I see you.
Honey, that's really sweet.
Not only did I get the right picture this time, I went and had everybody re-sign it.
Even that plastic surgeon who wrote, "I hope you have a good personality"? You should've seen his face when I walked in during liposuction to get the signature.
Oh Tim.
This is so great that you did this.
But, um you know, I just gotta say, it's really big.
So what are we gonna do with it? I'll buy you a big wallet.
(laughs) In the meantime, tonight I'm gonna cook you a fabulous dinner.
Steak, mashed potatoes and peas.
That is so sweet.
I'm gonna use those little peas I can shoot halfway across the room.
Two players, one shot apiece.
The 13-year-old versus Al "I Got a Slice" Borland.
Dad, this is so stupid.
Afraid, huh? He's afraid of you? I don't think so, Al.
Good! You got the whole thing put together Tim, I thought we threw that away.
I'm recycling.
Could we have some quiet here? I'm trying to line up my shot.
Boy, take a pill, will you? It's not your shot, anyway.
Brad the champion goes first.
Champion, champion, champion.
Just go.
Loosen up your swing.
(cheering) Can I Can I go now? The game is not over.
Pressure's on, Al.
Next up, Al "The Double Bogeyman" Borland.
Al's always had trouble on these greens here.
Doesn't like the concession area.
And you can use this with more (garbles words) (Tim laughs) Aah! (stage manager) Again.
4, 3 And you can use this with more than just footballs.
(woman giggles) What's What is? (giggling) What's the line? (laughter) And this works with more than just footballs.
Work with more than just This works with more than just footballs.
You can also duplicate any of your favorite colors.
That's right.
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