Home Improvement s03e22 Episode Script

Swing Time

What are you doing? Oh, I'm doing research for a magazine article.
It's about Finland.
Look at this.
Isn't that gorgeous? Oh, yeah.
I'm a huge Finn fan.
Especially those fine feminine Finns in that hot tub.
Hot tubs are really popular there.
But when they get out, they beat themselves gently with leafy birch branches.
Well, we've got that whirlpool upstairs.
Next time you get out, I can snap you with a wet towel.
But this is a little more romantic.
See? They're outside under the stars.
Can you imagine you and me in a hot tub, staring up at the moon? It'd be great.
Especially with a couple of those Finnish girls, Yorgie and Pecka.
Nice hit.
Guys, over here.
I think I figured out what to get Mom for Mother's Day.
She told you? No, she dropped a few hints, though.
So what does she want? She wants to go to Finland.
They got this real big deal with midnight hot tubs.
When they get out, they get spanked by trees.
Cool! Let's all go! So we're gonna send Mom to Finland? No, no, no.
We can bring Finland to Mom.
I say we put in a hot tub.
Yeah! Cool! We'll put it right over here, get rid of the swing set.
You guys don't use this anymore, do you? Yeah, we do.
Last week we tied Mark to it.
What do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? Welcome to ToolTime.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
You all know my assistant, Al Borland.
There's a lot of stereotypes about construction workers today.
But the times, they are a-changing.
(imitates harmonica) And today, to talk about some of these changes, one of our friends from K & B Construction Company in Bay City, Michigan.
Let's give a big Tool Time welcome for Pete Bilker! (whooping and cheering) Pete, it's good to have you with us again.
And it's great to be here, Timmy! Pete.
Hey, Al.
Nice to see you.
All right.
Pete, have a seat, will you? Pete, do you consider yourself a oh, I don't know, a construction worker of the '90s? Well, Tim, nowadays when a hot rivet drops down in my shirt, I'm not ashamed to cry.
Something you should remember, Al, next time I drop a hot rivet down your shirt, huh? The most common stereotypes about construction workers is their hootin' and hollerin' at every pretty woman that passes by.
That's pretty much a thing of the past, Tim, especially at K & B.
Our new foreman, Les, doesn't go for that kind of stuff.
Maybe one of these days we should get Les down here to talk about it.
Actually, Tim, since we are discussing changing attitudes on the job site, I brought my new foreman with me.
Would you like to meet Les? Yeah! Let's bring him down here.
(laughs) You're the foreman? Uh-huh.
You're a woman.
(guffaws) Can't put anything past you.
Please, sit down.
Take a seat.
Well! A woman foreman.
It must be kinda hard gettin' the guys at the construction site to listen to you.
Why would it be hard? (nervous laugh) Some guys have trouble taking orders from women.
Not me, 'cause I take orders from my wife all the time.
Well, it hasn't been a problem.
I mean, I've been working with the guys for a while now and they realize I know what I'm doing.
Tim, I must tell you that Les is probably the best overall worker we have.
The best-looking worker in overalls, too.
Nope, that would be Pete.
Aw, heck! Anyway, Timmy, there's no one more qualified than Les, and no one knows more about tools than Les.
No one? You heard him, Tim.
Oh, yeah? Then why does everybody call me "The Tool Man"? Because it's your show and you made up the name? I like her.
I'd be willing to stake my tool reputation against anyone.
Well, how about me? Les.
I wouldn't want to embarrass you.
Anybody who challenges me, it always ends up the same way.
You lose? I love her! All right.
Got electric in, you guys got the holes filled in, we're ready for the hot tub.
Where is it? Al's supposed to be delivering it.
Well, shouldn't you help him? That thing's pretty heavy.
He's got his mom with him.
Dad, here comes Mom! No, no, no! Hey, guys, it's really late.
What are you doing out here? We all have problems.
We're waitin' for Wilson to wake up.
Come on, boys.
It's midnight.
Go on to bed.
Thanks, guys.
Wash your hands, OK? Wash up.
Brush your teeth.
Good night, sweetie.
Good night.
I'll bet I know what you're doing out here.
Oh, do you? Well, let's see.
You're out here in the middle of the night, carrying shovels, covered in dirt.
I didn't want to tell you, but Wilson wasn't feeling well so we buried him.
Could you possibly be working on my Mother's Day gift? Possibly.
Ohhh! Thank you for listening to all those hints I've been dropping.
I'm just gonna love my new herb garden.
Your what garden? Well, I've always wanted to grow my own basil.
It's gonna be great.
It's a good thing I built you an herb garden and didn't buy you a hot tub.
Well, yeah.
What would I need with a hot tub? I've got a whirlpool upstairs.
That's where I'm gonna put your herb garden, right here.
Where did you move the swing set? I gave it to Pete Bilker, one of the guys from K & B Construction.
It's for his little boy.
Were the boys OK with that? Yeah.
They don't use it anymore, except for tying Mark up.
Yeah, I know.
It's just It looks so strange out here without it.
I mean, you built that thing well, when Brad was a baby.
Now you can raise basil.
Remember how much fun they had playing on it when they were really little? How we marked their heights every year, everyone's, on that wooden post? I was always the tallest.
I will never forget how hard it was for Randy to learn to swing on his own and how happy he was when he finally got it.
Jill, are you upset that I gave the swing set away? No! No, no.
I'll get used to it.
Herbs are fun.
You know, it's gosh, it's chilly out here.
I'm gonna go up to bed.
I'll see you later.
Good night.
(door closes) (maracas rattling) Wilson, what are you doing? Hi-ho, Tim.
I'm just testing my maracas.
Usually when I have mine tested, the doctor makes me turn my head and cough.
No, no, Tim.
These are hand-carved maracas made from hollowed-out gourds.
I'm using them to practice the national dance of Venezuela, the joropo.
At midnight? Is it really that late? Well, it just shows you - time flies when you're dancing the joropo.
Could you keep it down? Tim, have you got a problem? I'm just mad at myself.
I thought I had the perfect Mother's Day gift for Jill, but I don't.
Now I got a flatbed truck comin' over with Al and his mom with a hot tub on it.
But the worst thing is, I gave away the swing set, and it looks like it meant a lot to Jill.
I remember when you built that swing set, Tim.
It was 14 years ago.
You'd just moved in.
I'd never seen anyone attach an outboard motor to a swing before.
That swing set was the first thing I made for my boys.
You know? I picked out the best redwood for that.
I had six coats of sealer on there.
I worked night and day on that thing.
Sounds like it meant an awful lot to you too, Tim.
I remember the day Brad was born.
I had the swing set all set up so he could use it when he got home.
Babies - who knew they couldn't sit up? Psst! Tim! Is the coast clear? Mother and I have the hot tub off the flatbed.
The hot tub is out.
Tell your mom to hoist it back up there.
Oh, man! Dad, how come you're trying to get the swing set back? Because that's what your mom wants for Mother's Day.
I thought she wanted an herb garden.
I thought she wanted a hot tub.
I thought she wanted to go to Finland.
I thought she wanted me to snap her with a wet towel.
I'll save that for her birthday.
(doorbell rings) Hey, Dad, isn't Pete gonna be upset when you ask him for the swing set back? He'll understand.
He's an adult.
Hey, Pete! Come on in.
Hey, Timmy.
How are you? I'd like you to meet Little Pete.
Hi, Little Pete.
How you doin'? Hi.
I brought him with me today because he has something he wants to tell you.
Thank you for my swing set, Mr.
Tool Man.
(nervous chuckle) Uh come on in, you guys.
You want a cookie or somethin'? Thank you, Mr.
Tool Man.
You're in luck.
My favorite - chocolate chip.
Help yourself.
Put some on the table over there.
Pete, can I talk to you for a minute? You bet, Tim.
But before you do, I wanna tell you, that swing set has made Little Pete real happy.
Well, looks like anything would make him happy.
He's a happy-go-lucky kid.
No, Tim.
He's neither happy nor lucky.
You know, he's had a pretty rough go of it this past year, what with his mother leaving and all.
I should've seen it comin' - goin' to the grocery store with nine pieces of luggage in the car.
These are great cookies, Mr.
Tool Man.
Can I take some for when I'm playing on my swing set? Little Pete, about that swing set.
Yes, Mr.
Tool Man? How How would you feel if I took that old one back? It has a lot of splinters in it - and built you a brand-new one? Now, Tim, that's not really necessary.
Oh, yes, it is.
Is it gonna have a teeter-totter? You bet.
Is it gonna have a sandbox? Yeah.
A huge sandbox! Is it gonna have a tree house? A what? A tree house? Swing sets don't have tree houses.
They have one at the park.
Why not? We'll put a tree house on it for you, too.
Thank you, Tim.
You bet, buddy.
Tool Man, can you come to my school for show and tell? Welcome back to ToolTime.
We have a very special competition comin' up.
You've heard of the Rose Bowl.
Well, put away your flowers! Plug in your tools, 'cause we got the Tool Bowl! I will be serving as moderator and impartial judge.
This will be simulcast on Al's favorite station, the All-Flannel Channel.
As impartial as I am, remarks like that could affect the judging.
All right, let's meet the competition.
The reigning tool champion of the universe: me.
And the challenger: the new foreman for the K & B Construction Company.
Let's give a big Tool Time welcome for Les Thompson.
(cheering and whooping) How's it goin' today, Les? Just great.
Listen, I'd like to invite you both to a little party I'm having after the show to celebrate my upcoming victory.
(snorts) I'd be careful saying stuff like that.
I might just nail it up on the board for inspiration.
I've seen your show, Tim, and if you want it to stay up, maybe you'd better have Al nail it.
(audience boos) Did I mention just how much I liked her? All right.
Let's get to it.
Les, since you are the challenger, you have the first choice of categories.
I'll take "Epoxy Putties and Liquid Metals.
" (musical tone) Excellent choice.
Heidi? Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.
"To repair a hydraulic ram, what type of epoxy putty would you use, and why?" I'd go with titanium, since it resists temperatures of 350° Fahrenheit and has a compression strength of 18,000 PSI.
It also provides a nonrusting, machinable finish, and features excellent resistance to a broad range of chemicals.
Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.
It was an easy question, all right? All right, Tim.
Your question.
Heidi? Thank you.
"In a nonrusting aluminum epoxy, what are the percentages of aluminum and epoxy?" Easy.
Everyone knows that.
Actually, that's What's the difference? One is right and one is wrong.
All right.
Round one goes to ( fanfare) Les.
Yes! (applause) By the way, what type of food are you going to have at your victory party? Buffalo wings and three kinds of dipping sauces.
Buffalo wings? Ladies? Ladies, could we? All right.
Our next category - "You Auto Know.
" All right.
Les, your question is, "You're building a '79 Pontiac with a 151-cubic-inch, four-cylinder engine "and you want to run roller tip rockers.
"Are the 151 rockers interchangeable with the stock rockers on a small-block Chevy?" That's a really tough question.
(effeminately) Well, if it's too tough for you, Ms.
Buffalo Wings and three sauces I can take that one.
Luckily I know more about cars than tools.
Really? No, they're not interchangeable.
The 151 rocker arm fulcrum-to-tip distance is greater than a small-block's, so it can't be used if you want to maintain acceptable valve train geometry.
(bell pings) (cheering) I'll also be having a cappuccino bar and assorted sorbets.
All right, Tim, this is your question.
Let's forget the rest of the questions and go right to the bonus round.
What bonus round? Winner take all.
Heidi, the bonus board, please.
And what is that? It's the Tool Bowl Super Bonus Screw-off.
First person to screw those screws in takes the whole thing.
I'm game.
Heidi, my electric screwdrivers, please.
Here you are.
Pick your weapon.
Ooh, nice grip.
All right.
I'll just pick mine.
Let's see.
No, no.
I'll just take this one down here.
All right.
Your electric screwdriver has a gas engine? Got a problem with that, fella? OK, go.
(powerful motor sound) I'm done! I won! All right! The champion and new tool world record holder! Come on.
You're gonna love this.
Honey, it is 6:00 in the morning.
I was really kind of hoping that I could sleep late on Mother's Day.
Well, I just finished your gift and I couldn't wait to show it to you.
Oh, my gosh! This is beautiful! Wait a minute! You said you were gonna make me an herb garden.
Look around.
I had the boys plant something special for you.
Basil! Basil, basil and more basil.
Well, I knew it was your favorite because I read between the lines.
Tim, I told you that I liked basil.
Which is how I'm able to read between the lines.
Sit down.
All right.
Wow! This is really comfortable.
Oh, honey, this is the best Mother's Day ever.
And there's still so much of it left.
Don't go to sleep.
What's this over here? Those are Randy's initials.
And right back here are their measurements.
You made this out of the old swing set! What a great idea! But I thought that you said that you gave it to Little Pete, Pete's son.
I took it back.
Hope you gave him something else.
Don't worry about that kid.
By the time he's done with me, I'll have an amusement park built in his backyard.
I can't believe you did this.
You are so brilliant.
Well, I saw how upset you were when I gave away the swing set.
I guess that seemed kind of silly, huh? No.
I have a lot of memories locked up in this too, you know.
Time goes by so fast.
Here's something I don't ever remember seeing before.
"Tim loves Jill.
" When did you do that? About 3:30 this morning.
Happy Mother's Day.
Here you go, Mom.
Basil omelet.
Happy Mother's Day.
That's so sweet of you, honey.
Looks delicious.
And Mom, don't forget your basil butter with your toast.
Basil butter.
Well, that's original.
If you think that's original, wait till you taste your fresh-squeezed basil juice.
We also made you coffee.
Is it green? And for dessert, fresh-baked basil cream pie.
I should've said I like diamonds.
Looks like anything would make him happy.
Happy-go-lucky kid.
No, Pete, he's neither You're not Pete, are you? No.
I'm Pete.
You'd be Pete.
You'd be Tim.
I'd be Tim.
and has a compression strength of 18,000 PSI It also provides a nonrustable machinable finish and I'm going to have to start over.
Psst! Hey, Tim! Is the coast clear? Mom and I have the hot tub off the hot bed.
(laughs) (men) Kill him! Kill him! One line! One!
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