Home Improvement s03e23 Episode Script

What You See Is What You Get

Fuses in, wired up.
I'm gonna try the horn.
Cover your ears, Mark.
Aah! Dad, the horn is blinding me! Just a crossed wire, son.
That's what it's gonna say on your tombstone - "It was just a crossed wire.
" We've gotta get in the kitchen and start making those cupcakes for the school carnival.
Honey, there's one thing you should know about men - We don't make cupcakes.
Come on, you promised me that you'd help me.
Another thing you should know about men - We lie.
Tim, I have thousands of those things to make.
I can't believe you're not gonna pitch in and help with this carnival.
I did pitch in.
Don't forget about my "Stump The Tool Man" booth.
How could I forget? Last year, you kept getting stumped by that 12-year-old.
Did you get the cardboard cutouts for the photo booth? Yeah, right over here.
This is for the men (imitates Arnold Schwarzenegger) Maria! Maria! I can't itch my own back! And for the women (Jill laughs) Hi.
It's lovely, Tim.
Her thumb is on the wrong side of her right hand, and she has no left arm.
I didn't even notice that she had any arms.
What do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? Gotcha! Gotcha again! Gotcha back! What are you guys doing? We're doing our taxes.
What's it look like? I got winner.
I was here first.
I've got winner.
No way we're playing you.
You stink.
You stink even worse than Dad.
Hey, a little respect.
I stink the most.
I've seen Mark play.
He could beat you guys.
No way.
Gotcha! Gotcha! How about a little wager? If Mark beats the winner, you both clean the basement.
If you can beat him, the movies all afternoon on me.
(computer) Kill! Well? I accept the challenge.
Have a seat.
One game, winner take all? You guys got your jockstraps on? All right, here we go.
One, two, three, go! Go, go.
What are you doing? Ha-ha! (computer) Kill! I win! When you guys are down there cleaning that basement, don't touch those hot-rod magazines.
That's your inheritance.
How could you let him beat you? I was overconfident.
I'm used to playing Dad.
Hi, sweetie.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Jill.
I just heard the most depressing story.
I suppose you're gonna share it with me? Yes, I am.
I've been researching that article on plastic surgery.
I just interviewed a woman who bought herself a whole new body because her husband left her for a younger woman.
They were married 12 years, had four kids.
She made a big mistake.
I'm glad you feel that way.
Had she had this surgery some time ago, she could have saved the marriage.
You've come a long way, Tim.
Listen, Jill after 12 years of marriage and all those kids, women tend to let themselves go, spread out.
Most men aren't as forgiving as I am.
Excuse me.
Did you say that you have forgiven me for letting myself go? No, that's not what I said.
That is exactly what you said.
Well, I didn't mean that.
What did you mean? I I mean those Tigers have a shot at the pennant with good pitching this year.
Does everybody know what time it is? (all) Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo! Thank you, Heidi, and welcome to Tool Time.
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant - Al "Table For One" Borland.
Need I remind you that I now have a significant other? Oh, I'm sorry.
It's Al "Table For Two" Borland.
But if his mom's dining with him, it's Al "Table For Seven" Borland.
"Al, where's the salad bar?" (moos) We're gonna show you how to refinish a table today, and we'll show you the steps necessary using these three tables, all of which we bought for $3 at a garage sale.
Actually, I bought them, and you haven't reimbursed me yet.
Before we refinish, let's decide what kind of wood we're dealing with.
A simple pat underneath will tell you if you're dealing with raw wood or - eww - old chewing gum.
Al can actually determine what flavor it is just by tasting it.
Take a try.
I don't think so, Tim.
Now, the underside of this table has been painted, so, Marv, if you wanna come down here We're gonna chip away a little bit of the paint there, find out what we're dealing with.
It's maple, one of my favorite types of wood.
Yeah, and syrup.
All right, so next step after you've identified the type of wood is, uh, stripping the wood.
Now, obviously, we've stripped this side.
We used Insta-Strip by Binford.
After you finish stripping, acknowledge your applause, gather up your clothes and head back to your trailer.
All right, now we're ready for sanding.
In this case, you wanna use Binford's 6100 palm sander.
If you don't own a palm sander, use a sanding attachment to any Binford drill.
Don't use an attachment on fine furniture because it will leave unsightly swirl marks.
Says who? Everybody.
And you listen to what everybody says? Unless it's you.
I'll show you, Al.
I'll prove it to you.
Heidi, my super-sander, please.
Here you go, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you.
Before you sand this table, will you reimburse me? It's stuck in the middle! Move it around! Don't leave it in one spot! You'll wreck it! How do you know? Now all we need is a square peg.
Al, hop in! Whoa! Check out this babe on Dad's hot-rod magazine.
One question.
Who works on a car in a bikini and high heels? I do.
Oh! Unless I'm working under the car.
Then I go with a halter top and flats.
You're supposed to be working on the basement, not gawking at my car magazines.
Dad, we've been working all morning.
We needed a babe break.
Don't call her that.
She's got a name.
Ohh That's Miss Dual Exhaust 1984.
Get back to work, guys.
Let me do the gawking.
Well, you're allowed to gawk, aren't you, Dad? I don't gawk.
I've got all the babe I need right upstairs.
Does Mom know about her? All right, wise guy, come here and look at these.
Who's that? Whoa! She's a babe! She's your mom! I just called my mom a babe.
Who's the good-looking guy next to her in this picture? That would be not me.
There's a lot of "not you's" in this box, Dad.
The important thing is, I'm with her now, beanhead.
Why would Mom pick you out of all these good-looking guys? I was good-looking as these guys once.
You had to be better looking than that geek.
I'd say that geek's pretty good-looking, actually.
The geek is Dad.
This is what Tim picked for the carnival.
It figures.
That's what all men want.
Oh, no, not Al.
Al too.
Last time we went miniature golfing, there was a woman ahead of us wearing a skin-tight T-shirt.
It's the only time I've ever seen Al go 28 over par.
I'm so disillusioned.
All right, let me try.
I bet you those aren't even real.
They're a lot more real than some I've been seeing lately.
Excuse me? I'm doing research for that article on plastic surgery.
I even have this computer program that shows you how you can change your appearance.
You gotta see this.
You can change your lips, your butt, your thighs, your waist, anything.
Here, let me Yeah, well OK, watch this.
That's amazing.
Now watch this.
If you press B, your breasts just get bigger and more torpedo-like.
Ew, isn't that gross? Wow! What? Wow! Are you saying you think I'd look good like that? No.
It was a general wow.
General wow? The famous Chinese military guy - General Wow Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You saw that picture of me and said "Wow" with your tongue hanging out.
I did not.
You can't say "Wow" with your tongue hanging out Wuhhhow.
I guess this'd be a good time for me to be going.
Bye, Tim.
See you later.
Thank you so much for helping me with all the cupcakes.
Yeah, I love cupcakes.
Big, ample cupcakes.
Jill, you gotta see this.
Now I know why they call it "the boob tube.
" Look at this.
Tim, what are you doing? I'm just playing around with the thing.
They look like hot-air balloons.
You could travel around the world with those.
Look out, honey, they're gonna blow! Could you be any more obnoxious? Is that a request? I'm just playing with the thing.
Tim, there are women whose self-esteem is so low, they're actually doing this to their bodies.
That is horrible.
Now, how would I make your butt a little smaller? Maybe I'll just sleep down here tonight.
You're done with your research.
Why is the computer hooked up? Come over here.
I want you to see something.
Hey, there's a good-looking guy.
Take this keyboard and show me what you think is my ideal Tim.
Sounds like fun.
What do I gotta do? You hit D for delts, B for biceps, W for waist, P for pecs.
Are you sure P is for pecs? Just press the P.
There we go.
"The Timinator.
" You are so far off.
Let me show you my ideal Tim.
That's it? Yeah.
Tim it's you that I find sexy.
And whatever changes that you go through, I'm gonna find those sexy, too.
Even if you look like this.
Or this.
OK, I've told you how I feel.
I wanna know how you feel.
Do you want me the way I look now, or would you like me to get my tummy tucked, my face lifted and breasts enlarged? The way you are now.
Thank you.
Just out of curiosity what would the other version cost us, the whole package, out the door? Maybe I should just live down here.
(sniffs) Something burning out here, Wilson? No need to be alarmed, Tim.
I'm just smoking a fish.
Regular or menthol? No, no, Tim.
I'm curing an Alaskan salmon.
My only concern is what wine to have it with.
Love to help you, but I got a concern of my own.
It started with me turning Jill's breasts into hot-air balloons and getting kind of excited about it.
I think you've finally found a problem that's out of my realm of expertise.
No, you don't understand.
She had this computer simulation that showed some cosmetic surgeon's alterations to her body.
It reminded me of when she was young, when I first met her.
I kinda liked it.
Then, like a bonehead, I asked what it would cost to overhaul her whole body.
Whoa, major faux pas.
Major Faux Pas Was he in the same campaign as General Wow? Tim, I'm not familiar with General Wow, but your situation reminds me of The Naked Ape.
(grunts) That is the one exactly, Tim.
You see, The Naked Ape is a book which theorizes that men, like apes, are instinctively drawn to younger, more fertile women in order to propagate the species.
What's Mrs.
Naked Ape attracted to? Unlike the male of the species, she instinct is be attracted to someone older and more experienced.
Someone with more wisdom, sensitivity.
Wait a minute.
What you're saying is if I explain to Jill it was my instincts talking, I'd be off the hook.
No, no, no, no, Tim.
What I'm trying to say is you have to learn to understand your instincts, and then you won't be on the hook in the first place.
Oh, yeah, sure.
That'd be good.
Yesterday, we told you how to take an old beat-up table and turn it into fine furniture.
Unfortunately, Tim turned it into less valuable sawdust.
Luckily, Al was able to buy us a new table.
I did not buy this table.
But don't be too surprised if it shows up on your credit-card bill.
A lot of us have tables like this around the house.
A little beat-up, scratches, stains all over it.
That's right.
So what you wanna do is sand it down with a normal-size sander.
Refinish it, you'll have yourself a brand-new table.
I can't do this to this table.
It's all right, Tim.
I'll do it.
I am surprised and shocked that you're so superficial.
What? You're superficial! Maybe on the surface.
Tool Time isn't just about home improvement.
It's also about male improvement.
You see, man, by nature, is just a naked ape, chain-smoking salmon.
Our instincts would be to make this table new, make it look new with plastic filler in all the nicks.
What we should do is learn to appreciate the natural beauty inherent in this wood, and over the years, it's become nothing but deeper, richer and warmer.
And more interesting.
What are you saying, Tim? I'm saying this table is perfect the way it is.
So our project today is to stand here and stare at this table.
We could pour oil on it, rub it affectionately and show the table how we love it.
Rub with me, Al.
I think I got him cornered.
I think you're right.
Kiss this game goodbye.
The dustpan and broom are in the closet, and you know where the attic is.
Aw, man! You guys keep losing to Mark, we'll have this whole house cleaned up.
Dad, do you wanna play chess? You do not wanna play your old man in chess.
Why not? Because I don't know how to play chess.
Never mind.
I'll go and play with my computer.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, sweetie.
Did you watch Tool Time today? No.
Too bad.
We had a table on that reminded me of you.
Why, was it big, flat, old and dented? Actually, it was quite lovely.
Its warmth and color and character made it even more beautiful than when it was new.
Al wanted to refinish it, but I really liked that table just the way it was.
Oh, Tim It's gorgeous.
Just like you.
It expands in the middle.
Not like you.
It has extra leaves, so if we have company Thank you.
You said you wanted one for a long time.
No, I don't mean just thank you for the table.
I mean, thank you for listening and understanding what I was saying.
I had one of the computer guys at work help me with that program.
Oh, no.
Oh, come on, come on.
Sit down.
Let's see if I remember.
This is us That's us? That's us in 2446.
So we're, what, That's why we're not movin'.
No matter how paunchy or wrinkly we get, we're still gonna be together and love each other.
So I guess that just proves that love is blind.
And there's good news.
Our 425-year-old kids have finally left the house.
So we can just sit around naked all day.
No, that is a pretty picture.
Two wrinkled-up old prunes just lying around together.
Come on, make your move.
I'm working on it.
If chess is too hard for you, you could go back to tick-tack-toe.
I'm thinking.
Dad, you've been thinking for half an hour.
That's a record for your father.
Eat my dust.
Dust my house.
We'll show you the process on these other two tables that we all bought for $5 at a garage sale.
Actually, I bought them, Tim.
You haven't re-bursed me yet.
If chess is too hard for you, you could go back to tick-back-toe.

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