Home Improvement s03e24 Episode Script

Reality Bytes

Specialty Tool Week here on Tool Time.
We're doing our salute to salutes.
Could we? We bet we could, fella.
We're doin' our salute to Binford's new line of tools just for the ladies.
That's right.
Like this: Binford's lightweight Lady Binford drill.
It's 30% lighter, which every woman likes in a tool.
As well as herself.
These tools are fine for home, but what about a woman out on a formal affair? For that, we recommend Binford's Gal on the Go evening bag.
Heidi? (sophisticated music) (audience) Whooh! As you can see, sequins on the outside, tools on the inside.
A broken heel? Not a problem.
You have a small hammer with nails.
Problem zipper? Not a problem.
You have a set of pliers.
Unsightly nose hair? Not a problem.
Needle nose pliers.
But let's face it, ladies, if you have unsightly nose hair, you're not invited out to many formal affairs anyway.
Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, Tim.
What about the woman that's not good with tools in general? For that, we recommend the Tool Man in a Tote.
One quick pull What do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? Hey, Randy, wanna play some catch? I can't.
I'm doing my homework.
"Dear Molly" Hey, get out of here.
I don't want you reading my homework.
It doesn't look like homework to me.
"When I think of kissing you, my heart beats like a symphony.
" It's for music class.
Oh, yeah? Then who's Molly? That shows how much you know.
Molly is a musical instrument.
You know what I think? I think you've got a new girlfriend.
Who is she? Will you promise not to tell anybody? She's that ugly? I don't know what she looks like.
We've been sending love letters through the Singles bulletin board on the computer.
So when are you gonna meet her? Never.
She's 25.
No way.
Why would a 25-year-old girl be interested in you? Because she thinks I'm a 32-year-old dermatologist.
And where did she get that idea? That's what I told her.
I also told her I'm 6'4" and drive a Ferrari.
Wait till she finds out you're 4'6" and pedal a Schwinn.
Well, that's the beauty of this.
She's never gonna find out.
She lives in St.
What's that? It's one of Dad's old love letters he wrote to Mom.
They go over really great.
"My darling, I wish you had been here this weekend "to share one of the most exciting moments of my life: Two-for-One Day at Sears.
" Mom, do we have any Styrofoam balls? No.
Just make him some of your meatballs.
Very funny.
Sorry, Mark.
The closest thing I've got to Styrofoam are these rice cakes.
They have to be spheres.
I'm making a solar system for my science project.
Science project? You know, I helped Randy make that volcano.
He got a D.
Tim I think that Mark is smart enough to handle this project by himself.
Jill I think it'd be a lot more fun if we did it together.
I don't want you taking it over.
There's nothing wrong with a father helping his son with a science project.
My father helped me.
That was for the safety of the neighborhood.
Mark is never gonna learn anything if he doesn't do his own work.
That's right, Dad.
You stay out of this.
This is between your mother and me.
Tim! OK.
I'll just watch.
I'll guide him.
What have you got planned for that solar system? Well, the plan was to hang a bunch of Styrofoam balls on wires.
You can't just hang 'em on wires.
First, you gotta get the right proportions for the planets.
Then the right distance from the sun - that is perfect, there.
Dad, I thought you were just gonna watch.
I am.
I'm just tellin' you what I wanna see.
Mark, here's the Styrofoam balls for the planets.
Dad, there's not that many planets.
Sure there are.
Neptune, Jupiter, Saturn, Mars, Venus, Earth, Mercury, Ford, Chevy, Volvo Yugo? That planet was destroyed.
I guess I'm ready to paint the planets.
This is real tricky.
Make sure the pigment's evenly distributed over the surface of the Evenly.
All right.
But, you know All right.
It's your project.
You move on to something more important and I'll try to even this out.
What should I do? Bend the wires for the orbits.
Straighten it out.
You got Here.
You don't wanna waste time with this.
What should I do? You wanna monitor the air exiting the surface of the paint.
What does that mean? Watch the paint dry.
(doorbell) I'll get it.
Don't touch anything.
(doorbell) I'll get it! Hi! Hi.
I'm Molly.
Good golly.
(laughs) This is Molly.
And who are you? I'm Tim's wife, Jill.
Who's Tim? The man you're holding hands with.
Oh! I'm sorry.
I thought you were Randy.
We've a 12-year-old boy named Randy.
The Randy Taylor I've been corresponding with over the computer is a dermatologist.
Honey, has Randy been skipping the sixth grade and going to medical school again? Are you sure you have the right house? Yes.
I even sent him software at this address.
Um, why don't you come in? I think I may know what's going on here.
Um, what else did this Randy Taylor tell you about himself? Just that he has two annoying brothers, his mother can't cook, and he has an accident-prone father.
I'm glad I'm not in that family.
Tim, we are that family.
Except for that cooking thing.
Oh, I can't believe I have been corresponding with a 12-year-old.
Well, he's very mature for his age.
Yeah! You're not kidding! His letters were very romantic.
And funny.
The only really strange thing was his obsession with Sears.
There's nothing wrong with that.
You know, he said my wit was "as sharp as a radial arm saw," and he compared the glow of the moon to The headlights of a 1957 Buick Roadmaster convertible? How did you know that? Tim wrote that to me in a letter.
I did? That's good! Randy's been copying your old love letters! Oh, Molly, I am so sorry.
Nah, it's OK.
I was in town on business anyway.
Besides, he's just a kid.
I wouldn't be too hard on him.
Well, you're not us.
We're parents.
When our kids play doctor, we nail 'em for malpractice.
Brad, get in here.
I got a new message from Molly in my mailbox.
What's it say? "My darling Randy, "I'm leaving on a business trip in a few minutes "and I'll be in Detroit tomorrow.
I thought I'd stop by your house at about 2:00.
" Uh-oh.
"I can't believe we're finally gonna meet.
Love, Molly.
I also got a huge growth I want you to look at.
" Ugh! Randy, you've gotta write her back and stop her from coming.
It's too late.
She's already left.
Then you better learn how to remove a growth real quick.
Oh, man, I am in big trouble.
What am I gonna do? All right.
How about this? Molly's never seen what you look like, so when she gets here, tell her Randy Taylor moved out and we're the new owners.
That's pretty good.
But what if Mom and Dad get to the door before I do? Then you don't have anything to worry about 'cause you'll be dead.
Hey, Mom.
Are you and Dad gonna be here tomorrow, say, around 2:00? Dad's gonna be at the office, and I was thinking about going shopping.
They're having a sale at a boutique I love.
Best thing you can do.
Although I don't know.
I may just stay home.
Sales are really a big pain in the butt.
All these women elbowing each other out of the way just to save 40 cents on a bra.
Well, you know, you should go shopping.
You could use a new bra.
Really? How would you know that? Dad told me.
He also told me that the last time you bought a bra, it didn't look too good.
So you should take your time and try 'em all on.
I really don't think your father should be talking about stuff like that with you.
Well, you know, he seemed pretty disturbed by it.
But I guarantee you, if you find the right bra, the problem will be solved.
Good luck, Mom.
Well, I finished paintin' my sun.
Mark, Randy or Brad? Oooh, funny, Wilson, funny.
I just hope you get a better grade on Mark's solar system than you did on Randy's volcano.
Mark's been helpin' a lot.
See this perfectly bent rod here? Mark bent that? No, I bent it, but he handed it to me.
You know, Tim, I'm reminded of an ancient Chinese proverb: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
" If I let Mark do this himself, he's gonna learn more than if I finish it.
Very good, Tim.
But Chinese proverbs aren't gonna win any science fairs.
If I let Mark do it all himself, there'd be no craftsmanship, no attention to detail.
He's the son of "The Tool Man.
" What would people say? About Mark, or about you? I get it, I get it.
But there's one thing - if I let Mark do it all, I won't get to glue anything.
Dad? I'm going over to Bobby's house.
Call me when I've finished my science project.
Not so fast.
Not so fast.
This is your science project.
You're gonna do some of the work here.
It's like that old Chinese proverb.
You can teach a young fish to dance, but once it gets old, it sticks with you forever.
It's Specialty Tool Week here on Tool Time.
We'll show you tools you won't necessarily find in your neighborhood hardware store.
These tools you might have to go to outer space to find.
To tell us about them, the men responsible for fixing the Hubble Space Telescope are in Detroit to judge the science fair at the Detroit Science Center.
Give a big welcome to the astronauts, the crew of the Endeavour space shuttle! (cheering and whistling) I understood there was a woman on the crew.
That's right, Tim.
Kathy Thornton.
But someone had to stay back at NASA and do all the hard work.
Let's meet Mission Commander Dick Covey.
How you doin', sir? (applause) Dick supervised the entire servicing of the Hubble Space Telescope.
What's it like working with tools in outer space? Well, Tim, it's a lot like using tools here on Earth, except there's no gravity, so you don't have to worry about droppin' a tool on your foot.
Sounds like the perfect working environment for you, Tim.
He's very funny.
A regular astro-nut.
Tim, it's pronounced astro-naut.
Yeah, I know that.
It was a little joke.
Oh, sorry.
I had no idea.
This is Ken Bowersox.
He is a Navy man, just like me, and his friends here nicknamed him Sox.
I suppose you got that nickname because up in space you never change your socks? Hoo, boy! No, Tim, they call me that because my last name is Bower sox.
They could call you Bower.
They don't.
Payload Commander Story Musgrave.
Story, what's the story? Like I haven't heard that one a million times.
I hear you're a big fan of the show.
Yes, I am.
But not as big a fan as my fellow spacewalker, Jeff Hoffman.
Hi, Jeff.
How you doin'? Hey, Tim.
Yeah, I have lots of friends and family out here, and we think you are the greatest.
Safe to see who my favorite astronaut is.
You know, on one of our spacewalks on the Hubble mission, we all let out a big Tim Taylor grunt.
(gruffly) No! (gruffly) Yes! I brought a tape.
You guys wanna see the tape? Yeah! Heidi, the monitor, please.
Here you are, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.
All right, folks.
The first grunt in space.
Here it comes.
Think we could rewire it? (all grunt like Tim) That sounds like a good idea.
(cheering and whistling) You might say one small (grunt) for man one big (three grunts) for mankind.
(all grunt) Next we have Flight Engineer Claude Nicollier.
He's all the way here from Switzerland and was one of two astronomers on the crew.
Claude, my son is doing a science-fair project right now.
Any advice for him? Well, sun in the middle Right.
nine planets Uh-huh.
but don't let your father help you.
All right.
But last, surely not least, we have Tom Akers.
He was the Hubble tool specialist.
I brought some of the tools we used to work on the Hubble Space Telescope.
Cool! Wow.
Tools from space.
What I wouldn't give to have one of these on my shop wall.
That's a three-eighths-inch drive McTether ratchet.
They use this for playing McTether ball out there.
And next we have a Hey, where's my power tool with the adjustable extension? You guys probably forgot to bring it.
No, I saw you working with it earlier, Tim.
I wasn't working with it earlier.
Yes, you were.
Tim, is this what you're looking for? Oh, that! That's it? Heidi, where'd you find that? Doesn't matter where.
She found it.
It was in Tim's locker.
(high-pitched) Well, I See, I (normal) I was gonna bring it back.
It was just I thought Whooh! Taylor, we're gonna need this back too.
How did that get in there? We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.
(doorbell) Hi.
Can I help you? I'm looking for Randy Taylor.
There's no Randy Taylor here.
And who are you? A kid.
That's strange.
Taylor's gotta be here.
I just sent him something to this address.
Uh He moved out yesterday and we moved in today.
I don't see any moving boxes.
Well, uh we're a circus family.
We unpack fast.
Did Dr.
Taylor leave a forwarding address? Uh no, but he mentioned joining the Peace Corps in China.
That seems very strange.
Not really.
They're having a big acne epidemic in Beijing.
Hi, Randy.
I'm back.
Randy? She means Andy.
I'm Andy.
Who is this? I'm Molly Lauden.
I was looking for Randy Taylor.
This is Randy Taylor.
Randy, Andy, Candy, Sandy.
I answer to anything.
This is really weird, because I have been getting love letters from a Randy Taylor, but he's much older than you.
He says he loves me almost as much as his cast-iron scroll saw.
Wait a minute.
Cast-iron scroll saw? Mm-hm.
Well, I think I know what's going on here.
You do? My husband always used to write about a cast-iron scroll saw in all of his love letters to me.
He must be writing you love letters and then just signing our son's name.
He never told me that he was married.
But it doesn't matter because I love him and he loves me.
I should've seen this coming when he started hating my bras! Mom, you don't understand.
Hi, honey.
Don't "Hi, honey" me, you two-timing tool twit! What'd I do? You don't have to play dumb.
Your wife knows all about us.
"Us"? Take your tools and move in with Molly.
No, Mom Who's Molly? I am! Now kiss me like you said you would in your letter.
I don't know what I said, but what the heck! Dad, stop! Don't kiss her! Mind your own business.
Look, I'm the one who wrote the letter.
I used your old love letters.
I was just trying to have a little fun.
Are you having a little fun now? Not particularly.
The jig's up, Dr.
You guys set me up! You knew about this all along.
That's right, doc.
I can't believe I was outsmarted by my parents.
Mark, how'd the science project go? Great.
I got an A.
Congratulations! Did you get to use the modification you put in? My teacher wouldn't let me.
She thought it was your idea.
What?! Hi-de-ho, neighbors.
Oh, Mark! That is quite a solar system! Thank you.
You ought to see the super-orbital part of it.
He used one of my little motors.
Show him.
Oh, that is very impressive.
Wait a minute.
You haven't seen warp speed yet.
Try that one.
Chip off the old block.
(grunts) We would like to present to the cast and crew of Home Improvement a flag and a patch and some pictures.
The flag and patch flew with us on our mission to the Hubble Space Telescope.
It's traveled about four million miles and Lots of power.
Tim, if you could step up (cheering and applause)
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