Home Improvement s04e02 Episode Script

Don't Tell Momma

Today, Al and I are talking about cranes.
A subject very near and dear to my heart.
Al here is kind of a crane nut.
Yes, Tim, I am.
As a matter of fact, after my stint in the navy, I spent a year as a licensed crane operator.
I've lifted some mighty heavy loads in my day.
You make this so easy.
Even before that, as a youngster, I used to build model cranes, and I ended up with quite an eclectic collection.
Marv, you wanna come in and get a closer look at all this? Now, I have to say I'm especially proud of my first crane.
I spent the better part of sixth grade diligently crafting it.
It's made entirely out of Popsicle sticks.
(mouths) Enough said, Al.
Anyway, tomorrow, on a special live edition of Tool Time, we're gonna watch the actual operation of a real 25-ton hydraulic truck crane.
That's right.
We're gonna teach you the key of using a crane.
It takes teamwork and communication using hand signals.
I can demonstrate that using these models right here.
The crane operator sits inside the cockpit here.
Now, the signalman is over by the Porta Potti.
That'll be you.
You go over there.
All right.
Well, let's see just how well nonverbal communication can work.
(imitates engine) Tim? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
What do you do when I do this? You yell, "Come on in!" No, that means to use the main hoist.
Yeah, yeah.
All right, now, what does it mean when I do this? Let's party! Ow! Hoo! Ow-ow.
No! It means to hoist the main load.
Didn't you study the manual at all? A real man doesn't need a manual.
All right.
If you're so smart, show me the hand signals for swinging the crane.
Oh, hello, boom! Sorry, Al.
Uh Well, I guess that's it for the hand signals.
Actually, Tim, I do have another hand signal for you, but it's not in the manual.
Aren't you gonna eat breakfast, Mom? No, honey, I have a test this week.
Whenever I have a test, I get so anxious I lose my appetite.
That stinks.
No, it's great.
Going back to college is like a built-in diet plan.
I could be a size 6 by midterms.
See ya, Mom.
Hold it right there.
Up against the wall.
Spread 'em.
Just hand over the rubber band shooters now.
I know you have them.
You, too, baby face.
Hey, I'm not packing a piece, Mom.
I'm not.
I told you guys to stop making these.
We need 'em for protection against Vinny McGurn.
Look, if you have trouble, just tell the bus driver.
He's more afraid of him than we are.
Have a good day! (Tim) Jill, do you realize that there's mud on your license plate holder? (whines) Stay away from my car.
And what's this weird mark on the door? What mark? Looks like a scratch someone tried to cover up.
Oh, that.
I got a little scratch on the car, and I touched it up.
Touched it up with what? You know, touch-up stuff.
What kind of touch-up stuff? Nail polish.
Nail polish? You trying to kill me?! Oh, come on, Tim.
It matched perfectly.
Red Passion Delight.
What are you using for a dipstick - your lipstick? Tim, it was just a teeny, tiny scratch on the bottom of the door.
Somebody nicked me at the grocery store.
Didn't you park where no one else could park next to you? Row 3, slot 12.
I am so sorry.
I lost that book you made me - Guide to Parking Spaces in Lower Michigan.
Where are your keys? What for? After I do that location Tool Time shoot, I'll take it to my body shop guy.
It's my car.
I don't want you to take it.
Get your hands off my purse! Just use the Mustang.
Tim, just leave it alone.
I'm fine with my car the way it is.
Mind your own business.
You know what's gonna happen.
That scratch is gonna rust.
That rust will cause corrosion, which will eat away at the car, which will, in turn, eat away at me, leaving me a sad, pathetic, worthless man who just sits around the house moaning, "My car is wearing makeup.
My car has got makeup.
" Just take the keys.
Oh, and while you're out, pick me up some green eye shadow.
I noticed a nick on your lawn mower, and I wanna touch it up.
(Tim) She puts nail polish on a Nomad.
I've told her this is a classic car.
A classic.
Tim! Where have you been? We go on the air live in two minutes.
Come on! I know.
I got in an argument with Jill.
She scratched the car and tried to fix it herself.
Looks like a pretty good match.
What is that, Red Passion Delight? Scotty, this is Tim.
He's our job site foreman.
Good to meet you.
Glad to meet you.
I watch your show every day.
Do I get to run that baby? No.
Like I said, I watch your show every day.
Al, it's a pleasure to have you here as guest crane operator.
Thank you.
I hope to make my former colleagues in Local 324 proud.
OK, guys, stand by.
We're going live.
Here we go.
In 5, 4, 3 Hi, and welcome to a special live edition of Tool Time.
Today, we're gonna show you the operation of a 25-ton hydraulic truck crane.
(grunts) That's right, Tim.
We're gonna be using this crane to pick up and set a 3-ton beam, which will be used as a diagonal brace, also known as a kicker.
So you could call this a kicker picker-upper.
I don't think so, Tim.
Why don't I hop in the cab? We'll get things started.
Before you do, let me show our viewers some of the controls.
Tim, maybe I should be Tim! Marv, as long as you're up here, look at these controls in here.
This lever here swings the entire crane back and forth, right, Al? That's right, Tim, but don't touch it.
Get out of the cab, and I will raise the beam.
Well, since I'm in here, I can't think of any reason why I shouldn't raise the beam.
I can think of about 300.
This is the lever to raise the beam, right? Yes, but don't No, Tim! I'm doing it.
I got it! I got it! I'm beaming up, Scotty.
OK, Al, now what? OK, hit the foot brake.
Lock the beam in place.
Right now.
Now, get out of the cab.
Tim's getting out of the cab, and I'm going to move the beam right into place.
As you're going out, be careful.
Don't hit the brake release.
This is the lever that would swing the beam? Yes, it is, but, Tim Tim! Al, are you all right? (Al) Marv, look out! Tim, your foot! Don't hit the brake release! What? ( taps) Hi, guys.
Is your mom home? Yeah.
She's upstairs studying.
Do you think she saw Tool Time today? (Randy) No, I don't think so.
But we did.
Hey, don't worry, Dad.
Mom's always wanted a compact car.
You guys didn't tell her, did you? No.
We thought it'd be more fun to watch you tell her.
Well, you might have to wait, 'cause I'm not gonna tell her for a while.
I don't know.
Mom's pretty smart.
As the weeks go by, she's gonna notice she doesn't have a car.
When she does, you'll have to tell her you totaled it.
No, no, no.
It's a classic.
You don't really total a classic.
I can rebuild it from the existing parts.
Until I figure out how long that's gonna take me, I don't think we should tell Mom.
Then we also don't have to tell her that we got kicked off the bus today.
Wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa! What do you mean, you got kicked off the bus? Well, let's just say there was an unfortunate incident involving some glue and Vinny McGurn's butt crack.
As of 3:00, he's closed for business.
Guys, as much as I appreciate a practical joke - and this was a good one - you know this has been bothering your mom and I.
I can't let you get away with this.
I gotta tell her.
Then we have to tell her what we saw on Tool Time.
I'm not making a deal here.
Well, here comes Mom.
You Deal.
Oh, hi.
Did you take my car to the body shop? Yes, I did.
Well, how does it look? Well, I'll tell you what.
Can't even notice the scratch.
I'll be glad to have it home again.
It's gonna take a little longer than I thought.
Oh, no.
You're not gonna have 'em do a bunch of other stuff to it, are you? No.
We're just fixing what's wrong with it.
When you get it back, it'll be like a whole new car.
Oh, I didn't get to see your location Tool Time, though.
How'd it go? Great.
( loud rock) Hey, guys, turn it down! Turn it down! Huh? (lowers volume) (sighs) Have you seen myabnormal psychology book? I need it for my test.
I can't find it anywhere.
Don't try telling the teacher that.
Believe me, it never works.
I had it at school at the library on Monday.
I brought it home.
Oh, no.
It's gotta be in the car.
The station wagon? Yeah.
Guys, I'm gonna go down to the body shop.
Mom No, no (both) Don't do that.
I don't think the book is in the station wagon.
I saw Mark with it.
What would Mark be doing with my abnormal psychology book? Maybe trying to figure out what's wrong with him.
Mark, have you seen my psych book?! (Mark) Yeah! I saw it in the station wagon! Just stay here, lock the doors and be nice to Mark.
Mom, seriously, it's not - Oh, hi.
Can I help you? Oh, yeah.
I'm Jill Taylor.
My husband brought my station wagon here.
I need to get a book out of it.
Oh, yes.
We'll be putting in a lot of overtime on your job.
Overtime? For that little thing? Boy, I'd like to know what you'd consider a big thing.
Oh, please.
I've done way more damage than that.
Really? Let me give you one of my cards, and, please, just - You feel free to call me anytime.
Well, after we finish with this bodywork, I don't think I'm gonna be needing any more.
How long do you think it's gonna be? Best-case scenario? A year.
A year? Hey, we're really busy.
No, look, I think that there's been some kind of mistake.
My car is the red Chevy Nomad.
No mistake.
This makes no sense.
Look, can I just see my car? Of course.
It's right through here.
(gasps) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
My car.
My car! Ah, you know, I have some good news.
I think I see your book down there.
It's wedged.
It's like, well, under the dashboard.
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
The kids called to say my wife is here looking for a book.
I gotta get it.
Well, actually, Tim - I got no time.
If she sees the car, she's gonna kill me.
I gotta get that book, right? You mean this book? Look, she's here.
How did you do this to my car? You said she did it.
That's not what I said.
Oh, yes, you did.
Don't you remember? You said she parked it under a crane, and a 3-ton beam fell on it.
You're killing me here, Eddie.
Oh, sure.
I get it.
Everybody always blames the body shop guy.
Next he'll be telling her I dropped the beam on it.
OK, let me get this straight.
First, you give me a hard time because I get a little, teeny scratch on the door, then you let somebody drop a building on it? Not only do you not tell me about any of this, but you tell other people that it was my fault? It could've been your fault.
What? Maybe that scratch weakened the entire structure of this car.
That is such a crock! Look, look, this could've happened to anybody.
Yeah, anybody who parked under a crane.
And what kind of a crane operator drops a 3-ton beam, anyway? You know, we should just sue that jerk for all he's worth.
Oh, we don't wanna do that.
Why not? You married him.
Oh, no.
You did this? You mean we gotta pay for this? I'm sure we got some beam-droppage thing in our insurance.
Tim, why couldn't you just leave my car alone? Why do you have to obsess about a stupid little scratch? This is just a car.
It's a hunk of metal used to haul kids to soccer practice.
This is not a hunk of metal! This used to be a classic.
It looks like a giant hot dog bun.
(howls) (warbles) (continuing strange noises) Wilson? Swallow a pigeon? No, Tim, I'm ululating.
I didn't know men could do that.
No, no, no, Tim.
Ululating is a Middle Eastern custom expressing joy and sorrow.
What are you expressing now? Sorrow, because I can't ululate.
You want sorrow? I'll give it to you.
Jill's car had an unfortunate accident.
Really? What happened? Let's just say it involves a 3-ton beam, a crane and me.
Say no more.
It started with such a simple idea.
I just wanted to fix this little scratch in her car.
Bada-boom, bing, things dropping Now she's in there calling me She says I'm obsessive.
Well, were you obsessive? She doesn't know what it takes to make a great finish on a car, that's all it is.
Two or three coats of acrylic lacquer, followed by a color sanding between each coat.
Two coats of base clear, It's gotta air-dry a couple of weeks to get the image right.
You pound it down with wax, bring up the shine, you buff it out.
Baby, you can see yourself in that thing.
Tim, do you know what "obsessive" means? I just wanted her paint to be perfect, and there's nothing wrong with that.
What's wrong is Jill's inside, not talking to you, and you're out here talking to me.
(grunts) Yeah, that is a little problem, yes.
Tim, there's an old folk saying "Obsessions are like fire and water - good servants but bad masters.
" See, the point is, do you rule your obsession, or does your obsession rule you? You know, between you and me, I don't think she knows how deep my love affair with cars really goes.
What do you mean? When we were dating, we'd go to the drive-in, and she thought we were going there to make out.
Actually, I was going there to check out the other cars.
That would get me excited, then we'd make out.
Tim, I'm gonna keep this under my hat.
How's your studying going? Fine.
Except I have a test in three days and a book that I can see through.
Maybe it'll be an open-book test.
Ha ha ha.
I know I get crazy about cars, you know.
My car, your car, anybody's car.
But it's it's like Bat Masterson said.
You can't get obsessed the way old people drive through water if their servants are on fire.
No, I guess you can't.
You know what we should do is buy you a new car.
A new car? Yeah.
Anything you want.
I promise you won't hear a peep out of me.
Even if I want a boring station wagon with no options? Peep peep.
That's what I thought.
No, I would rather just wait for the Nomad to be fixed.
I thought it was just a hunk of metal that you didn't like.
I didn't mean it when I said that.
I was upset.
Actually, I love the Nomad.
I like it when I pull up to stoplights and those car guys are there.
They always rev their engine.
Then I rev my engine and waste 'em off the line.
(grunts) Lenny, I've got the insurance policy right in front of me.
No, I'm sure there's gotta be a clause in here covering beam droppage or something.
Go back to that section What is it? 29 29B.
Yeah, all right, the soup-up clause, the part that covers me for personal injury due to personal negligence.
Keep looking.
Dropping a beam on a car has gotta be in there.
And if by some chance it's not, you should put it in, 'cause you never know when something like that could happen.
You saw the show.
It doesn't matter whether I've got the Nomad or some new car.
You're still gonna be on my case.
No, I won't.
Even if you park a new car under even if you do something as crazy as park a new car under a tree filled with just-fed pig-pigeon - (gunshot sound effect)
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