Home Improvement s04e03 Episode Script

Death Begins At Forty

(whistles) Now, that is a filthy spark plug.
Yes, it is.
And there are many ways to clean a dirty plug.
You can use a file, a wire brush Steel wool or Al's beard.
But if you want to get it really clean, we suggest using Binford's Very easy to use.
Turn away, please, Al.
Just shove sparky right in there.
(high voice) "No, no, no, no.
" Turn it on.
(machine whirs) Blow it off.
Now, that is a spark plug that's clean.
Clean enough to eat off of.
Be a small meal, though, wouldn't it? Little piece of turkey.
Pass the gravy, Al.
Once you've removed the buildup, it's always a good idea to recheck the gap.
You need a proper gap to get the proper spark.
How would you know? It's been years since you've given off a proper spark.
As opposed to your sparks, which have caused millions of dollars in fire damage.
(hisses) Now, a misfiring spark plug is easy to diagnose.
Bigger problems sometimes require taking the whole engine apart.
That can be a dirty, time-consuming job - though a heck of a lot of fun.
A heck and a half, especially if you do it buck naked.
But there's another way to check what's going on in your engine - just crawl inside and take a look.
Unbelievable as that may sound, tomorrow, Tim and I are actually gonna shrink down and go inside this engine.
And how are we gonna do that, Tim? Luckily, our favorite place to buy shrink rays had them on sale - Shrink Rays R Us.
It's a small place with a small staff, little cash registers Tim.
little, tiny people, little wallets you pull out Tim.
We will now give you a demonstration of how the shrink ray works.
Care to be belittled? That's my job, Tim.
(grunts) Come on.
Come on.
Hey! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
(whistles) Well, it's a small world after all.
Ugh, please.
My, my, my.
We've got the leg on.
What do you think of Dad's birthday present? That is very impressive - a man made out of tools.
I think you boys have inherited your father's mechanical abilities.
Yes, indeedy.
Hey, Tin Man Tim's really starting to look like Dad.
He's even got a stomach full of beer and corn nuts.
Look what we used for the nose - needle-nose pliers.
What is that steel wool supposed to be? Oh, that's his chest hair.
Save some for his back.
Hey, what are you guys doing out here? (boys) Nothing.
Making a birthday gift for your handsome, talented, studly father? No, they're making one for you.
Get in here.
I got the whole birthday mapped out.
with gifts.
Then you fix me the thickest juiciest steak you can find, baked potato, lots of butter, sour cream, season it with a little salt - Then when the little velociraptors go to bed, you and I retreat to our private love nest.
Oh, no.
Not the garage again.
I made it better this year.
I shellacked the workbench.
You shellacked the workbench last year, and it didn't dry in time.
That's why you weren't moving.
Tim, you are almost 40.
Isn't it time for you to celebrate a birthday in a bed? I may be reaching the big 4-0, but I have the strength and endurance of a man half my age.
Does this feel like the body of a 20-year-old or what? Stop.
Yeah, a 20-year-old who's deluded.
You're just jealous 'cause men age better than women.
Oh, really? Then how come ever since I went back to school, all these young college guys have been hanging around me? I don't know.
Maybe they're away from home for the first time and they miss their mommies.
Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right.
And today, those minimechanics from Binford will actually go inside a troubled engine.
Are you guys in there? (Tim) Is this engine knocking, Al? (Al) No, I think that's Heidi.
(Heidi knocks) Hi, Heidi.
Welcome, everybody, to the inside of a Chevy small-block 350.
Al and I are standing inside of a Carter AFB carburetor.
I love what you've done with the place.
Really? I thought the throttle butterflies were a bit busy.
Oh, no.
Not at all.
Now, the problem with this engine is that it has low compression in the number three cylinder.
So that's where we'll be headed.
That's right.
Now, traveling through an engine is dangerous, so don't try this at home unless you, too, are 4 inches tall.
All right, Al.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
(engine revs) (both) Whee! Whoa aah! Heidi, turn off the motor! Yeah, ha-ha-ha! Whoa! Whaah.
All right.
Well, when compression is the problem, what you wanna look for is a worn piston or cylinder wall.
A good indication of that would be piston slap.
You don't wanna slap any Detroit Pistons, because they slap back.
Well, the piston and cylinder wall look fine.
The next thing you wanna look at is burnt exhaust valve.
There's your problem, mister.
That exhaust valve is burnt to a crisp.
Yes, it is.
Well, now that we've found the problem, what we need to do is replace that burnt valve and rebuild the cylinder heads, and that could be an awfully big job.
It takes a big man to admit he's too small for a big job on a small-block engine.
Well, I couldn't have said it better myself.
I'm not sure you could have said it, Al.
All right, Heidi.
Start the motor and bring us home.
(both) Whoa! OK, Heidi, make us big again.
(whistles) Well, it's good to be full-sized tool men once again.
Right, Al? (Al) Tim! Tim! Al? Tim.
Tim, I'm down here! Al.
Whoa! Hey.
Help me! Guess that reverse shrinking ray doesn't work on everybody.
So, on your way out tonight, if you step on something flannel and squishy and real little, it could be Al.
Tim, do something! Hey, Felix.
Hey, Timmy.
How are you doing? Hey, Tim.
Hey, Benny.
Good to see you.
Did you ever get that metal sliver out of your eye? Yeah, I took your advice.
I used a magnet.
All right.
How's business, boss? Oh, it's great now that you're here.
I'm in a buying mood today.
All right.
Pro hacksaw.
I need a saw blade.
And - what the heck? - a round of screwdrivers for everybody.
Hey! Thanks, Timmy.
Felix, how's your plumbing business going? Oh, never a dull moment.
You wouldn't believe what I found in a stopped-up toilet.
It was the size of a house cat.
Actually, it was a house cat.
What else can I get for you, Tim? Some nuts, some bolts? No, thanks.
I came in looking for needle-nose pliers.
Mine are missing.
That's funny.
This morning I couldn't find my pipe wrench.
If this keeps up, I'm organizing a neighborhood tool watch.
Drop-forged chrome steel, cushioned grip.
These any good, Harry? Oh, yeah.
And I got a special on 'em - buy a dozen, get one free.
Who needs a dozen of these, you know? But I can't pass up a freebie like that.
I love this guy.
Hey, Tim, have some jerky.
All right.
"Tubby John's Jerky.
" Take a stick, guys.
Felix? None for me, Tim.
My doctor got me on a low-fat diet.
Just started, huh? (laughs) My father ate this stuff every day of his life, and he lived to be 90.
All I know is that fatty stuff will clog up your hoses.
Oh, come on, Felix.
Aw, if you're a real man, you can eat whatever you want.
It's like they say - fat builds muscle.
Who says? Tubby John.
Right next to the warning by the Surgeon General.
Benny's right.
I eat this stuff all the time, and I'm as fit as when I was in the service.
I heard the only service you could get into was the postal service.
I heard you had a rough battle with a poodle on your route.
I happen to have been in the Marines - you guys know that - and we used to do push-ups on our fists.
Hey, check this out.
Count how many I can do in a minute.
Ready? That all you can do? Five? What are you breathing so hard for? You act like you're having a heart attack.
I think I might be.
(Felix) Take it easy.
Hi, honey.
Oh, look what I got for you - the thickest slab o' beef in all of Detroit and your seasoning.
I gotta cancel the steak, cancel the seasoning, and, as much as I don't wanna say it, cancel our shellac party in the garage.
What are you talking about? Harry had a heart attack.
Harry the hardware store guy? He's OK, though.
It was a minor heart attack.
It was like a wake-up call for me.
I could've been the guy laying on the floor getting mouth-to-mouth by a 250-pound plumber.
You? Yeah.
Harry and I go way back.
He's an ex-Marine in great shape.
I played high school football with this guy.
I thought you were the team towel boy.
I'm trying to make a point here.
I gotta start eating better.
The doctor said 40-year-old men should take better care of themselves.
He called me middle-aged.
You are not middle-aged.
You're barely 40.
And, as I recall, this morning, you were 20.
And look how time flies.
I wake up 20, by noon I'm 40, at dinner I'm dead.
By tomorrow morning I'll be remarried.
Look, you're getting a little carried away, don't you think? No, I don't think.
I'm not a kid anymore.
Tim, look at you.
You're in great shape.
You have incredible energy, sometimes way too much energy.
You are not gonna have a heart attack.
Maybe not a heart attack, but other things could kill me.
Tell me, what is this ugly lump on my neck? Your head.
Can't anyone in this house have a conversation without somebody else being sarcastic? Tim, it is a pimple.
This is not a pimple.
This is fibrous.
There's cords attached, there's things happening.
You're right.
It is serious.
They should make a movie about it.
Indiana Tim and the Pimple of Doom.
OK, make your stupid jokes.
Two pimples walk into a bar I'm not laughing at this stuff.
Tomorrow, I'm calling every doctor I know.
Cardiologists, radiologists, anesthesiologists, orthopedic Would you stop acting like your whole life is gonna come to an end? End, end, end.
What are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing? Losing your mind.
What does that thing look like right there? It's a pimple.
The whole seventh grade is covered with them.
Maybe you're right.
Although, from this angle, it does kinda look like a boil.
Here are the candles.
That looks good.
Hey, Mom.
(sniffs) What's that smell? It's your father's birthday dinner, thank you very much.
It usually doesn't smell that bad till an hour after he eats.
It's cauliflower.
Would you guys set the table? Your dad wants to eat healthier, so I'm making steamed vegetables, rice, chicken and birthday watermelon for dessert.
Just because Dad thinks he's dying, why do we have to suffer? Dad isn't really gonna die, is he? No, honey.
He's probably gonna live forever.
He's already survived fire, electrocution and crashing through a Porta Potti.
Then why is he so worried? Honey, your father will get through this.
You know, all guys go a little off the deep end when they hit 40.
They get insecure, they obsess about every gray hair and pimples in places I don't even wanna know about.
Hi, Wilson.
Howdy, neighbor.
Working on a flush? What? I see you're holding a pair of spades.
(chuckles) Oh, I kill myself.
Speaking of that, I feel like my body's falling apart.
Really? Seems to me you've always been in excellent health.
I was till Hardware Harry turned into Heart Attack Harry.
Oh, yes, indeed.
I heard about that.
How's he doing, Tim? Oh, he's just fine.
I don't know about me, though.
This really affected me, Wilson.
I can understand your reaction.
by a similar event.
Someone close to you had a heart attack? Oh, yes.
Someone very close.
What? You never told me you had a heart attack.
What happened? An acute thrombus occluded my myocardial artery, which was already partially obstructed by sclerotic plaque.
Were you not eating right or not exercising? No.
Even before my heart attack, I enjoyed quite the same lifestyle as I do now.
I ate well, got plenty of rest, I exercised regularly.
What about stress? I didn't have any stress.
You hadn't moved in yet.
(chuckles) Um, how did you deal with it? If it happened to me, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed.
For a long while there, Tim, I couldn't.
I refused to take any risks.
I even canceled my long-awaited trek up Mount Kilimanjaro.
That was a good choice.
You don't wanna climb anything that starts with the words "kill a man.
" Actually, Tim, after a while I did go, and it was one of the highlights of my life.
What made you change your mind? I realized how lucky I was.
My heart attack didn't kill me, so why act like it did? (grunts) Well, well, well The Roman rhetorician Seneca once said, "If we let things terrify us, then life is not worth living.
" Shouldn't make a mountain out of a pimple.
Or any kind of epidermal oddity.
Happy birthday, Tim.
Thanks, Wilson.
Jill Did you know that Wilson had a heart attack He did? Oh, no.
You're not gonna get all crazy about that now, are you? No.
He's OK with it and so am I.
Apparently, he listened to an old Rotary named Sonoco, said, "Life isn't really worth living if you have to pay for electricity while you're in Rome.
" Is it worth living if you're a tool man? I overreacted with Harry.
He's not me, and I do take care of myself, which is probably why you were teasing me so much.
Well, to tell you the truth, that crack about Pimple of Doom was a little mean-spirited.
(both) But funny.
You're starting to act like me.
When in doubt, go for the joke.
Well, it is a good way to deal with things that are uncomfortable.
I didn't like hearing you talk about not being around.
Ah, so you like having me around? Well let's put it this way.
I put so much hard work into you, I'd like to enjoy the fruits of my labor.
Enjoy that? Very fruity.
Oh, oh.
I have some news that you will enjoy.
Your medical team called Let me see.
and reported the following.
No, no, no.
I wanna read it.
Your cholesterol is low.
Blood pressure perfect.
You have the heart rate of a marathon runner.
Your pimple is a pimple.
And you are not pregnant.
I was so hopeful.
That's good news.
I'm a lucky guy.
Got three great kids.
And a great wife.
And a great wife.
And a great hot rod.
I never thought I'd ever have a hot rod that beautiful, that gorgeous Let's get back to that wife thing, OK? And my wife.
Yeah, your wife.
I'm glad I turned 40 with you, and I'll be glad when I turn 80 with you, 'cause by then the boys will be gone, and we can go out to the garage any time we want.
Except by then we'll need jumper cables to get started.
Are you still gonna kiss like that when you're 80? It'll be better.
I won't have my teeth to get in the way.
This is a guy made out of tools.
Look at this.
Yeah, it's a tool man for the tool man.
And we made it all by ourselves.
This is wonderful.
Look what they did.
Dad, check this out.
Hey! (Jill chuckles) Beer and corn nuts.
Needle-nose pliers.
These are my tools.
Well, you always say, "When it comes to tools, use the best.
" This is great, guys.
This is really great.
Honey, it's gonna take a lot to top this.
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Are you over your fear of death? Yes.
You wanna live life to its fullest? Uh-huh.
What is the one thing that you have always wanted? (grunts) You didn't.
I did.
(grunts) (man) Stand by, stand by.
(indistinct) (Tim) Excuse me, Captain.
Does this look like a pimple to you? I'm trying to make a point here.
I gotta start eating better.
The doctor at the hospital said 40-year-old men should take better care of themselves.
I just have no idea what to say.
I gotta start eating better.
The doctor at the hospital said 40-year-olds (stutters) I could see the wheels coming off, coming off there.
(laughs) OK, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

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