Home Improvement s04e04 Episode Script

The Eyes Don't Have It

And so, in conclusion, I'd like to emphasize once again Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.
that if your home is lightly trafficked, you can't go wrong with a Saxony plush carpet.
As you can see, it's very luxurious, has a nice nap.
I think the audience just had a nice nap.
I think not.
Choosing a carpet is a very important decision.
It's something you have to live with and walk on for years.
So are you, Al.
On the other hand, if your carpet is heavily trafficked, well, you can't go wrong with a nice Berber.
And here we have a lovely example, a nice wheat-colored Berber.
Berber's nice 'cause you don't have to cut it.
You just go to a Berber shop.
Are you quite through joking around? Yes.
I was just trying to stay awake till we get to the good part - the tools.
Al, tell us about the tools.
These are the tools of the trade when you're putting in carpet.
What we have here is a porcupine roller, duckbill shears What, are you laying carpet at the zoo? Yes, I'm carpeting the zoo.
As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of putting in walrus-to-walrus carpeting.
Well, all that carpet humor aside, what we have here is a porcupine roller used These tools are fine if you're laying a piece in the hallway or den, but what if we want to carpet a larger area? And that would be? The Silverdome.
How long do you think it would take to lay Astroturf using these wimpy tools? You wouldn't get past the 10-yard line.
Porcupine roller.
This wouldn't do diddly for a large area.
What we need is a "more power" porcupine.
Heidi, my "more power" porcupine, please.
Oh! Ohh.
Here you go, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.
There is no such thing as a gas-powered porcupine! It all depends on what it had to eat.
(engine starts) Watch how beautifully this seams our lovely wheat-colored Berber.
Well, way to go, Tim.
And what would you call that? Shredded Wheat Berber.
I don't think we should be steaming open the letter.
My teacher said to give it to Mom and Dad.
We're doing this for you, dork.
If you don't know what the teacher said, then you don't know what lie to tell to Mom and Dad.
I don't have to lie.
I didn't do anything.
Right, Mark.
Teachers always send home notes like that.
"Dear Mr.
and Mrs.
Taylor, Mark didn't do anything.
Just wanted to try out the new pen.
" Hey, guys, how many times have we told you about steaming open letters? If you're gonna do it, use the teapot here.
Much more steam comes out of this thing right here.
That's good, Tim.
Why don't you teach 'em next time how to pick a lock? You think they're ready? Let me guess - a note from school.
Which one of you is it this time? Not me.
Not me.
It's me.
(both) You? Your first letter from a teacher.
All right.
You're a man.
You're in big trouble, but you're a man.
Mark, what's going on? Nothing.
Then why does your teacher want to meet with us? I don't know.
I didn't do anything.
Mark I use that line on your mom all the time.
It hardly ever works.
It never works.
Tell us what's going on.
It's nothing.
So what do you think the problem is? He does well in school.
Maybe the teacher doesn't like him.
How could she not like him? Mark is adorable.
Oh, come on.
In fourth grade I was adorable.
My teacher hated me.
Fifth grade teacher didn't like me, either.
Sixth grade teacher had something out for me.
Seventh grade was a nightmare.
Tim, are you noticing a pattern here? I had a string of bad teachers.
Where's the electric can opener? Tim.
Oh, yes.
17 horse, whoa! We never did find that thing, did we? I guess we're gonna find out what's going on with Mark when we meet the teacher tomorrow.
What time is that? I can't do 3:00.
I got Tool Time till 3:30.
Push it back to 4:15.
No, can't do that.
I got a class at 4:30.
Can you leave there at 3:15 and make it there by 3:30? No, not if I'm taking Randy to football practice at 3:45.
Brad's got saxophone at four.
And isn't Mark's distemper shot tomorrow? Flu shot.
I forgot about that.
How about this? I will meet with Mark's teacher at 3:00 and find out what's going on.
Since I'll be near the house, I'll pick up Brad and Randy, drop Randy off at football practice at 3:45, Brad at the saxophone lesson at 4:15 on the way to my 4:30 class.
You take Mark to the doctor at 4:00.
Oh, and make sure that she checks that right ear.
I think he's got that waxy buildup thing happening again.
He might have to have it irrigated.
After the doctor, double back to the football field, pick up Randy, come home, make dinner.
These should be ready about 5:00.
I'll pick up Brad on my way home.
We should get there by six.
Does that sound good? Yeah.
One more time from the top.
Oh! Linoleum was invented in 1860 by Frederick Walton of England.
Now, he discovered that linseed oil, when left out in the open air, became kind of a rubbery-like substance, very suitable for floor coverings.
Now, because linseed oil is from the flax plant, Mr.
Walton decided to call his product "linoleum" from the Latin words linum for "flax" and oleum for "oil.
" He also went on to invent a straight-line inlay machine, so he was able to produce his linoleum in various patterns.
Well! That's all for our history on linoleum, unless you'd have something you'd like to add Tim? All right.
Well, please join us tomorrow when we're back here with the much-anticipated climax "Floor Coverings of the Future" or "The Vinyl Frontier.
" (theme music, applause) Wake up, wake up, wake up.
I'm awake, I'm awake.
Great show, Al.
Really learned a lot.
Thank you.
At least someone appreciates the work I put into this linoleum show.
I really do.
Well, what was your favorite part? Yes, Miss Keppert, what was your favorite part? Well, I found every part equally fascinating.
(scoffs) Really? Why don't we go have some lunch? I'll fill you in on my lecture tomorrow on vinyl.
Oh, OK.
Which is Latin for "snooze.
" Mark, we're leaving for the doctor in five minutes.
Hurry up.
Dad, don't forget to pick me up right after football practice.
Beth's coming over to study.
I need time to shower.
You don't need to bother with a shower.
Do what I do.
It fools your mom, drives her wild.
What is it? Wear an auto freshener around your neck.
Pine scent.
Rugged outdoorsy stuff.
Women love it.
Well, if it doesn't get me girls, it'll definitely get me squirrels.
Mark! Would you go get him? Hi! Hi.
Brad, where are you?! You got your saxophone lesson.
Randy, come on.
How'd the meeting with Mark's teacher go? She was very nice and very concerned about Mark.
She said lately he's been inattentive and withdrawn.
That's better than loud and obnoxious like I was.
I don't get it.
He's always loved school.
Brad! Randy! Mark! What does she think the problem is? Well, she doesn't know.
She asked me if there was anything unusual going on at home.
Do you think he's upset about me going to school? Maybe he feels abandoned.
You didn't abandon him.
I'm not as available as I used to be.
I have all these late classes.
Library, studying No, no, no, no.
I don't think that's it.
Mark likes you out of the house.
We all do.
What I mean is that we're very happy that you're pursuing your dream.
Mark! Brad, Randy, please hurry up! I'm gonna be late for class.
So you don't think that I'm the problem? No.
Then it must be you.
I am not the one that abandoned my child.
That's what you think, isn't it? No, it's not.
I was afraid this would happen.
I knew I shouldn't go back to class until they were 30.
Honey, honey, I was kidding.
It was a joke, OK? I'll talk to him and I'll find out what's the matter.
Guys? Where's Mark? Still trying to figure out which sock goes on which foot.
Come on.
Hey - pine! You smell just like your dad.
Beth's gonna love that.
(knock on door) Come on, we're gonna be late for the doctor.
Dad, I don't want to get a flu shot.
The doctor's office is fun.
While you're waiting, you can play with the blocks.
Dad, only babies play with blocks.
Don't you call me a baby.
Come on.
Come on, come on! I'm trying to get this knot out.
Brad and Randy tied my shoes together.
And a fine job they did.
Oh, boy.
You know, your mom talked to your teacher today.
Your teacher says you're not paying attention like you used to.
I'm paying attention.
Is the schoolwork getting too hard for you? No.
Too easy? No.
Are you concerned about Mom going back to school? No.
Is that kid in front bugging you again? No.
Kid behind you? No.
Are you worried about male pattern baldness? Dad, will you stop asking me a million questions? Nothing's going on.
Stop, right now.
We are not leaving this house till you tell me what's going on.
Then I don't have to get my flu shot.
You're not missing the flu shot, and I'm not missing the opportunity to play with those blocks.
Maybe the doctor can find out what's wrong.
He'll have to turn your little head and make you cough.
Forget about it, Brad.
You're not gonna get your own phone.
It's not for me.
You see, Mom, I want this for you.
Explain to me how you getting a phone benefits me.
Well, you know how I'm always tying up the phone line? Then you get upset and yell at me, and then you feel bad about it? Well, if I had my own phone, you wouldn't suffer like that.
I'm touched by your thoughtfulness, Brad, but, actually, I don't mind yelling at you.
I find it's a good release for me.
Oh, hi, hi.
How did it go at the doctor's? It was a real drag.
Bunch of four-year-olds were hogging all the blocks.
I mean with Mark.
Did he get his flu shot? Was I right? Was it the ear? Did he have that waxy buildup stuff in it? No wax.
Actually, a small bird had made a nest in there.
Did you ask him about what's bothering him? Yes.
What's bothering him is people asking him what's bothering him.
That's all you got? Did you ask him about me going back to school? He's all right with that.
I asked him a million things.
I got no answers.
Well, how did you ask him? Were you sensitive? Did you make him feel comfortable? Oh, yes, he was quite comfortable.
I served hors d'oeuvres, made him a perfect Rob Roy.
Rubbed his neck a bit, gave him a foot massage.
Yes, he was quite comfortable.
I'm serious.
How you approach Mark makes a big difference.
You can't joke around with him like you can the other kids.
I should have been the one to talk to him.
There's nothing you could have said that I didn't.
There are certain things that mothers are just better at.
I'm good at talking to my boys.
I might be better than you.
Oh, really? Yeah.
No matter what stupid thing they've done, they know I've done something stupider.
Well, can't argue with that.
What I'm trying to say is there's a very special bond between fathers and sons.
There's a special bond between mothers and son.
It's a little thing called the umbilical cord.
Hello? He's nine.
He's cordless now.
You know, and I kind of resent the fact you think you're a better parent than I am.
I did not say that.
That's what it sounded like to me.
(doorbell rings) I spend a lot more time with my boys than most parents.
I'm caring, I'm understanding, and I'm responsible.
Hi, Beth.
Hi, Mr.
I'm here to see Randy.
Randy? Honey, did you pick Randy up from football practice? No.
His caring, sensitive, responsible father was supposed to do that.
Oh, yeah.
I'm on my way.
I think Tim and Randy will be back soon.
I hope so.
So, how's school? OK.
Did Randy tell you that I'm going back to school? Oh, yeah.
And we both think it's really weird.
Well, aren't you an honest little thing? Maybe you'd feel more comfortable waiting for Randy in his room till we call you for dinner.
All right, thanks.
Oh, Mark, hi.
How are you doing? Fine.
Um, I have some cookies.
Would you like some? OK.
I feel really bad.
I've been so busy lately, we haven't been able to have our customary chats.
How you doing? Fine.
Um, I talked to your teacher, and she's kinda concerned about you.
She thinks that maybe you're having a hard time with something.
I'm not.
Dad already asked me.
Yeah, I know.
I just thought that you might feel more comfortable talking to me.
Oh, come on, honey.
You know that you always feel better when you tell me what's wrong.
Nothing's wrong.
Man, you're worse than Dad.
Do the words "umbilical cord" mean anything to you? Hey, Brad? Yeah? Can I ask you something? What? How do you get moved from the back of the class to the front of the class? Why would you want to go to the front? I don't know if you've noticed, but that's where the teacher is.
I need to sit in the front.
Aw, shoot! Why? Promise not to tell Mom and Dad? Promise.
I can't see the board from the back.
So? What's the big deal? I'll have to get glasses.
Hi-de-ho, Taylor lads.
Brad, I believe this is yours.
Oh, thanks, Wilson.
Wilson, did you hear what we were saying? Just the part about not seeing the board and needing glasses.
You're not gonna tell my parents, are you? Mark, that isn't my place.
But I hope that you will.
I can't.
They'll make me get glasses, and I'll look like a dork.
Mark, might I remind you that Benjamin Franklin, Sigmund Freud, Mahatma Gandhi all wore glasses, and I don't think that anyone would consider them dorks.
I would.
I don't want to look like a dork.
Well, then may I suggest an alternative solution that will help improve your eyesight? Here's a handy little trick I picked up from a Russian ophthalmologist I met at a caviar-tasting festival.
Take a piece of paper and you make a tiny, tiny, tiny, little hole, then you hold it up to your eye, and it will correct your myopia by allowing the eye to refocus light upon a mosaic of photosensitive receptors.
What? It'll help you see better.
It really works.
And if you use two, it's twice as effective.
This is great.
I'll never have to wear glasses and I won't look like a dork.
Mark, Mark, buddy.
Just tell me one thing.
What do I look like? A dork.
Mom? Oh, honey, I've been thinking.
I shouldn't be putting pressure on you.
If you want to talk, I'm always here to listen, but if you don't, I'm fine with that, too.
I want to talk.
Sit down.
Pour your little heart out.
I can't see the board at school.
I think I need glasses.
Is that what's bothering you? That's not so bad.
It's bad to me.
Honey, lots of kids wear glasses.
You don't understand.
Some of the kids already think I'm a dork.
If I get glasses, all of them will.
Nobody thinks you're a dork.
Then why do they call me "dork"? Well, because some kids are just mean.
They think by calling you names that makes them cool.
Let me tell you what real cool is.
Real cool is feeling good about yourself and not worrying about what other people think.
What do you mean? Well, let's use your father as an example.
Your father does some things that some people might consider dorky, like the time that he froze his tongue to the hammer or the time that he glued his head to the table.
But it doesn't bother him.
You know why? Why? Because he feels good about who he is, and you should feel good about who you are.
I should? Yeah.
You are a great kid.
You are so smart and you're fun to be with and you care about other people, right? Right.
Look, tomorrow, we'll go down and we'll get your eyes checked, and if you need glasses, we'll just make sure that you get some really cool frames.
Do you think I'd look good in aviator glasses? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'd fly anywhere with you.
Thanks, Mom.
Honey, it makes me feel so good that we still have our special bond, you know, that you feel comfortable coming to me when you need to talk.
Well, you were the only one home.
Guys, they just pulled up front.
When Mark comes in with the glasses, no comments.
No "four-eyes," no "goggle-face," nothing.
Oh, "goggle-face.
" I've never heard of that one.
And you call yourself a Taylor.
Hey, Mark.
Well, how'd it go at the optometrist? Oh, it was fine.
His eyes aren't that bad.
The doctor said that all he needs them for is seeing the blackboard, watching movies and driving.
Let's see 'em.
Aah! They look good.
Yeah, they're pretty cool.
Yeah, they're really nice.
And if anybody calls you a dork, they're gonna have to answer to us, all right? That's right.
We're the only ones who are allowed to call you a dork.
I don't care what they call me.
Mom says Dad's a dork and he feels good about it.
You called me a dork? (whispers) I was trying to build up his self-esteem.
(whispers) What about my self-esteem? There's nothing you could have said that I didn't.
Well, there are certain things that mothers are just better at.
I'm pretty dosh-garned good at calking to my - to-to We're gonna be late for the doctor.
I don't want to get a flu shot.
The doctor sh (stutters)
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