Home Improvement s04e05 Episode Script

He Ain't Heavy, He's Just Irresponsible

The trick is, I towel-dry my hair first, wait about five minutes, and then I put on the mousse.
Brad, you've been on the phone for two hours.
I've gotta go.
My mom's bugging me again.
All right, see ya.
You see Ashley all day at school, then come home and spend all afternoon on the phone.
What could you possibly have to say to each other? Your life is not that interesting.
Maybe not to you.
But Ashley can't get enough of my mousse stories.
Hi, Jill.
You won't believe what I got.
Take it back.
Something to make your life easier.
Binford's new universal fan-cooled central vacuum system.
Ooh, is that one of those things where you just stick the hose right into the wall? That'd be the one.
I have always wanted one of those.
It's the biggest and the best.
A Binford demo.
Didn't cost me a cent.
Take it back.
I know what you're thinking, but this thing - installation is a breeze.
That's what you always say, and then the breeze turns into a tornado.
It won't happen this time.
Come on, Jill.
Come on.
(whimpers) Don't make that face.
I'll keep it simple and just do one room.
All I gotta do is run a PVC tube right down to the basement, attach it to the central unit.
You swear that's all there is to it? J-Jill Just think - no more carrying a heavy vacuum upstairs or back down the stairs.
It's got a lightweight flexible hose with hand controls.
Convertible upholstery brush.
Crevice attachment? (grunts) Oh, yeah.
So long and so narrow, it'll suck the tonsils out of a cobra.
(makes sucking noise) Well, it would be nice to have a central vacuuming system.
Give me a week, this whole house will suck.
(belch) Hey, Mark.
Hey, Dad.
What happened? I'm trying to dry out the carpet pad.
How'd it get wet? I made a little hole.
Where? In a big water pipe.
Holy cow! What happened? I ran into a little snag trying to run the wiring back in through here.
I think I fixed the water pipe.
I think I can get the floor fixed before your mom gets home.
(Jill) Hello! I'm home! Or maybe not.
Hi, honey.
Hey, I thought you were at the college library, working on your psych paper.
No, I couldn't concentrate.
All these young college boys kept bothering me.
Were they hitting on you? No.
They thought I was the librarian.
Where you going? I have to finish this paper by Friday.
If I don't get it done by then, I'm gonna be digging myself into a big hole.
So you could understand how that sort of thing might happen? Tim, there's a giant hole in the floor! Oh, that's not a giant hole.
The Grand Canyon would be a big hole.
You told me the hole was gonna be this big.
It is.
I had to move the water pipes over The same old story every time.
You come up with some idiotic idea, I say no, you make a pathetic little face I couldn't get underneath here you're pulling up the floor.
That's why I pulled up the floor.
I can't even use my computer.
Just once, I'd like to come home and find the house in one piece.
It would have been if you hadn't shown up two hours early.
So this is my fault? In a way, yes.
You would have never known about this if you had proper study habits.
Tim, please, just fix the hole (doorbell rings) and then fix the one in your head.
(doorbell rings) I'll get it.
Marty? Hey, Tim.
Come on in.
What are you doing? Hi.
What are you doing? I'm in town on a sales trip.
Hey! Good to see you.
You, too.
Honey! (Jill) I'm not talking to you! Little argument.
Uh, the hole? The hole, yeah.
Jill, my brother's here.
Danny? No, the one that doesn't owe me money.
Marty? Marty! Hey, Jill.
How are you? Good, good.
How's Nancy? How are those little babies? Oh, this is such a surprise! Tim, you used the good towels? I didn't want to ruin my shop towels.
Did I, uh, come at a bad time? No, it's fine.
Everything's fine.
It is.
So, since it's fine, why don't you hop over the Grand Canyon and tell us what's happening.
Hey, look, I'm sorry for just showing up like this, you know? I tried calling, but the phone was dead.
The phone is dead? That must have been that bunch of wires I sawed through.
Brad, I'll tell you when.
I'm really glad you showed up.
Yeah, you missed me, huh? No.
If you hadn't shown up, Jill would still be chewing me out over this little hole.
She will not fight in front of company.
So as long as you're here, she won't yell at me.
Man, I wish Nancy was more like that.
She doesn't care who's around.
Remember she yelled at me at Uncle Henry's memorial service? Marty, you lost the man's ashes.
I didn't lose 'em.
I got into the convertible Which was your first mistake.
And you're lucky I saved your butt.
Do you know how many cigars I had to smoke to make one Uncle Henry? How much longer till the water's turned back on? It'll be on in a minute.
I'm gonna put you up in Brad's room.
I'll put the kids together in the other room.
I wish Nancy and the twins had come.
I'm dying to see 'em.
Yeah, but it's just a quick trip.
Brad, turn the water on! OK, Brad.
Brad, you got to shut it off.
Almost there.
Tim, may I, uh, speak with you privately? It'd be kind of rude in front of our company, wouldn't it? Sure you can't stay more than a couple of days? Maybe a year? Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Whoo! Thank you, Heidi, and welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
It's always a pleasure to share the spotlight with someone special in my life.
My brother Marty's here.
My youngest brother Marty's here, the only brother I can still beat up, right, Marty? Tim, are you gonna introduce me, or do I have time to run to the cleaner's? OK, Al.
And you all know my assistant Al Borland.
(cheers, whistles and applause) Today, we're gonna be talking about abrasives.
That's right.
Abrasives can be used from anything from your car to family heirlooms.
"To family heirlooms"? Like silver.
Silver? Jewelry.
Jewelry? I can go on.
Well, you spend all the time you want polishing your family jewels, but we're talking about car finishes.
As you can see, we've got several hoods out here.
Matter of fact, there's a couple of hoods backstage waiting for Al.
He's apparently a little late on his flannel payment.
You know, one of these days you're gonna run out of flannel jokes.
Oh, I don't think so, Al.
Not with my Complete Flannel Joke Book.
"Why did the flannel cross the road? "'Cause Al was over there.
"Hey, waiter, there's a fly in my flannel.
Please, take my flannel.
" There's also the handy wallet-size version.
"How do you keep an idiot wearing flannel in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow.
" If the finish on your car is like this - it's in pretty good shape - what you need is just a mild abrasive before you wax.
For that, we recommend Binford's That's right.
A dab on a soft cloth, and you'll have a shine you can be proud of.
Look, I can see myself.
OK, now, if you want to remove oxidation from the surface, you need something a bit more abrasive.
Like a can of Tim's personality.
Of course, a can of your personality would be empty.
What we recommend is Binford's Super 2000 Rubbing Compound before you polish or wax.
This surface cannot be brought back with anything.
What we need is to take the paint off of this.
For that, we need something a little more abrasive, maybe an 80-grit wet/dry sandpaper.
That'll remove your paint, and you can start from there.
But for even more abrasive things, we move on to sandblasters (grunts) open-shoe grinders and the most abrasive of all - the nagging wife.
So what'd you think of Tool Time today? Oh, it was great.
But only in this country could a goof-off like you get his own TV show.
God bless America, huh? Want something to drink? Yeah.
A beer would be great.
Hey, how's it going, Tool Man? Hey, Paul, how you doin'? Two cold ones.
I'm not sure Jill's gonna be crazy about that abrasive bit.
No, no, that's the beauty of it.
I always save the bits that'll make her mad for when she's already mad.
That way, I can't lose.
You're always thinking.
I had that abrasive bit worked out two weeks ago.
But just my luck - we're getting along, I couldn't use it.
So, uh you and Jill fight a lot? Depends what you mean by "a lot.
" How about all day, every day? That would be a lot.
You talking about you and Nance? Yeah.
Seems like ever since we had the babies, all we do is fight.
Good shot.
It's only been six months.
Give it a chance.
When Brad was first born, I had to make a lot of adjustments.
I had to wait in line for Jill to give me a bath.
I'm talking about when I get home, I don't even get a "Hello.
" I didn't care if she said hello, I just wanted my bath.
Nice shot.
It's that old dart injury I have.
Old dart injury.
No, I'm serious, you know.
I come in from work, Nancy practically throws me the babies and says she needs a break.
Get used to it, bonehead.
Having twins is a lot of work.
Just breastfeeding them has got to leave her feeling drained.
Remember that Cyclone ride we used to go on as kids? Oh, I loved that Cyclone.
I loved it.
You couldn't stand it.
I feel like I'm on it now.
I swear, you know, my life just feels totally out of control.
Ever since we had the kids, it seems like everything's fallen apart.
You saying you wish you didn't have the kids? I don't know what I'm saying.
I just know Nancy and I got no relationship anymore.
It's not that bad.
It's pretty bad.
How bad? I'm thinking of leaving her.
What, are you crazy? It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Running out on your family - that's how it's supposed to be? I've done a lot of thinking about it, OK? Think about this.
You're gonna go home, grow up and act like a man.
Don't tell me what to do.
Somebody's got to.
You're acting like an idiot.
Don't call me an idiot.
What do you call a guy that runs out on his family? This is just like you.
You never commit to anything.
Remember Boy Scouts? You're comparing my marriage to the Boy Scouts? I don't need this.
I thought you'd be the one brother that was gonna understand.
What I understand is you're being selfish.
The hell with you.
I don't need this.
Thanks a lot.
That's not gonna cover the beers.
Come on, Marty! You're gonna run out on me like your family, you gutless loser?! And he's the brother I like! Hey, Mom, when are we gonna eat? I'm starving.
Your dad and Uncle Marty are bringing home pizza.
They should be back any minute.
Ever since you went back to school, you've hardly cooked anything.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
It's been really hectic.
Hey, I wasn't complaining.
So, what are you studying? Randy, I came outside because I wanted you guys to stop bothering me.
I gotta get this paper for my psych class written.
What's it on? Mood disorders.
You should do very well.
Mom, I thought you said Dad fixed the telephone.
Honey, I'm working here.
I'm sorry, but I was talking to Ashley, and we kept getting disconnected.
She lives around the corner.
Just go over there.
How long can I stay? Till one of us graduates.
Where's the pizza? Pizza? Pi- It's-It's being delivered.
You forgot the pizza.
It's Marty's fault.
Where's Marty? I don't know.
You forgot the pizza and Marty.
Tell you what happened.
After Tool Time, went to Big Mike's to have a beer.
Started talking.
He's thinking about leaving Nancy.
What? Said after the kids, their relationship kind of deteriorated.
I don't think he knows whether he's coming or going.
Oh, my God.
Nancy must be devastated.
He hasn't told her yet.
Wait, he told you before he told her? I'm the only one that knows.
Me and everyone at Big Mike's.
Put a big crimp in happy hour, I'll tell you that.
Well, did you try and talk him out of it? Of course I tried to talk him out of it.
Told him you don't bail out and run away.
That was good.
You just admit your life is over and take it like a man.
"Your life is over"? Yeah The bad part of it's over, and the good part of it is just beginning.
Oh, I hope Marty's OK.
He'll be all right.
He just has to cool off.
When he comes home, you should have him talk to me.
No, he's my brother.
He's my problem.
When you marry somebody, you marry their whole family.
What would you do if one of my sisters was in trouble? Run like the wind.
(humming) Hey, Wilson, what are you doing? Tim, I'm pondering my Bonseki.
Isn't it funny how guys never get tired of doing that? (chuckles) No, no, no, no, no, Tim.
A Bonseki is a miniature Japanese rock garden.
Let me see.
Don't touch it.
You see, Tim, the Zen Buddhists believe that by contemplating its tiny symbolic landscape, one can achieve greater understanding.
Maybe it'll help me understand what's wrong with my brother.
I had a fight with him today, and I haven't seen him since.
Really? I thought you two got along rather well.
Oh, we usually do.
When my dad died, he was only one, I was 11.
Mom went back to work, so I took care of him a lot.
That's a lot of responsibility.
It was a lot of good times, too.
I taught him how to do all sorts of stuff - hawk a loogie, shoot a spit wad.
Boy, no one teaches spit wad shooting better than me.
Well, I'm aware of that.
Your boys have launched a few wet ones over my way.
Taught him how to ride his bike, drive his first car.
So what you're saying is you were part father, part brother.
Kinda like a "frother.
" I'm afraid Marty's about to make the biggest mistake of his life, and there's not a darn thing I can do about it.
You wish there was something you could do.
I spent most of my life taking care of him.
Tim, The Roman orator Appius Claudius Caecus once said that every man is the architect of his own fortune.
Now, Marty is a man.
He's not a boy anymore.
When he was a kid, he'd listen to me anytime I wanted.
All I had to do was tie him to a tree and pour root beer on his pointed little head.
Tim, I think what your brother needs is for you to be a brother and a friend.
Instead of a "frother," more of a "briend.
" In a manner of speaking.
Night, Wilson.
Sayonara, Tim.
Uh, marinara to you, too.
Hey, Marty.
I just came to get my stuff.
Marty, stick around.
Why? You want to rip into me some more? Look, I'm sorry I did that at the bar, OK? Nah, Tim, you made it real clear how you feel.
I've had time to think about it.
I think we should talk.
Stick around, have something to drink? What do you want? Anything but root beer.
I guess there comes a time in our life where we're past me tying you up and pouring root beer on your head, huh? It's like the Roman guy Apricot said - "If you roam around with architects, buy rocks, put 'em in the sand, and you'll understand.
" Let me think about that.
Where'd you go after the bar? Ah.
Waited outside for you to leave, then I ducked back in.
You know, had a beer, ate a sandwich.
Counted the flies on the pest strip.
(both) 43.
I used to take care of things for you.
I can't do that anymore.
I wasn't asking you to take care of anything.
I want I just wanted you to listen.
Fair enough.
I'm listening.
Tell me what's going on.
Nancy and I don't have any time together anymore.
I knew raising the twins was gonna be hard, but I didn't know it was gonna be like this.
She and I used to reach for each other in the middle of the night.
Now we're reaching for the babies.
Little brother, this is real common.
Everybody goes through this.
When you were first dating her, when you first got married, you were grabbing for each other.
Once you have kids, it's the end of that tune.
There hasn't been any music in our house in six months.
Tell me about it.
No wonder you're so cranky.
I know it probably feels like the band packed up and went on, but once the kids grow up a little bit more, there's - becomes much more time for you and Nancy.
You're saying the band will come back? Maybe not all of the band.
But at this point, you're probably happy with a kazoo and a whistle.
You're telling me things are gonna get better, right? There's no guarantees.
I just know things got better for Jill and I.
But - But you're telling me I shouldn't leave.
I'm not gonna tell you that.
I can't do this.
You gotta make your own decision here.
I can't imagine my life without Nancy.
I can't imagine any other woman havin' ya.
I sure hate the idea of leaving the kids.
When they're not puking and pooping, they're really cute.
They do grow out of that, you know.
Help me fix the distributor on the hot rod, will you? I'm just looking forward to the day I can pick up one of the kids and nothing gooey shoots out at me.
(laughs) You gotta wait a while.
But then it gets really fun.
They walk, they talk.
You can roughhouse with 'em, go to tractor pulls, teach 'em to be guys like us.
Tim, they're girls.
Are they? They're awful hairy for girls.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Well, then, teach 'em how to stay away from guys like us.
(grunting) Don't want 'em hangi" around guys like us.
(grunting) You don't want 'em hangin' around guys like us.
It'd be no good.
No good.
(normal voice) You break this thing, I'll kill you.
Well! I finally finished my paper in peace and quiet.
Wilson let me do it over at his house.
If you were really smart, you'd have let him write it.
Did Marty call? Yup.
He sounded pretty good, too.
It's such a struggle when you're first starting out.
Remember those awful fights we use to have? Who could forget yesterday? Yeah, but no matter what happens, we know that you're not leaving me and I'm not leaving you.
So you forgive me for putting a hole in the floor? That depends.
Does the vacuum work? (scoffs) "Does the vacuum work?" Watch this.
(switches vacuum on) (switches vacuum off) (mouths) You should always back up your work.
What we recommend is Binford's Super-Duper (both laughing) Watch this.
(switches vacuum on)
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