Home Improvement s04e06 Episode Script

Borland Ambition

( "The Victors") victors valiant Hail to the conqu'ring heroes Hail! Hail to Michigan Did I get any beer on you? Sorry, lady.
Hey! It's autumn.
The leaves are changing.
The weather's changing.
The only thing that's not changing is Al's personality.
My fan mail, which, incidentally, exceeds yours by ten to one, indicates that people like me just about the way I am.
(cheering) Ten to one, Al, huh? Ten to one.
Your mom must be getting writer's cramp.
OK, it's autumn.
What else is it time for, Al? It's time for Halloween, when you try to scare me with one of your childish tricks.
I don't have time for that.
Today, we're talking about something real interesting - backyard refuse.
So I don't have to worry about some bloody body part popping out at me? Not unless it's yours.
Thank you, Tim.
Well, mulching is the quickest and most effective way to deal with those unsightly piles of leaves and twigs that clutter up your yard.
Not to mention you get to crank up a noisy machine and grind up stuff.
Depending on your mulcher, you can throw in just about anything your yard will grow.
(starts engine) Leaves.
Or how about Al's paycheck? Then you get to the bigger stuff.
Patio furniture, canoes, old doors.
Your entire deck can go in here.
That's exactly what you don't want to put in your mulcher.
It could clog it up.
That's right.
That's why we have this other mulcher to show you what happens when you get a clogged-up beater bar.
Now, when you clear out the beater bar, you wanna make sure the whole unit's shut off because (both) Safety first.
That's right.
Now, you can just clear away the refuse here, get down into the beater bar Happy Halloween, Al.
(Tim) Hey, guys.
Hey, Tim.
Hey, Harry, how are you feeling? Good as new.
My doctor said the best thing to do after a heart attack is surround yourself with loved ones.
So you left your wife home and came to the store.
(laughs) You got it.
Hey, Benny.
Hey, Timmy.
You're always here.
I thought you had a new job.
I decided to leave that position.
He was fired.
Which made it easy for me to leave.
I got your note at Tool Time.
What's the problem? Oh, the opportunity of a lifetime.
How would you like to be part owner of Harry's Hardware? (grunts) Me? Yeah.
Really? Yeah.
It's a dream come true.
Have I died and gone to heaven? Anyway, my brother Larry wants to sell his 20% share, so for $15,000 you could be my silent partner.
(garbled) Hey, how come you didn't ask me? What? What? How come you didn't ask me? Benny, you gotta have some money.
Oh, yeah.
What about me? I have money.
But you gotta be willing to withdraw it from your mattress, Al.
It's not in my mattress.
Oh, cut it out.
You're saying you're interested, Al? Well, yeah.
I mean, $15,000, that's that's a lot of money, but on the other hand, it's always been a dream of mine to own a hardware store.
It's also been a dream of yours to walk around your mom without taking a rest stop.
(Benny and Harry laughing) I'm just kidding, Al.
(both) Boo! Did you guys do something different to your hair? See? I told you you weren't ugly enough to scare anybody.
You're totally ugly.
I'm just used to you.
Mom, you think I have a chance at winning the costume contest? I don't have enough brains oozing out of my head.
I didn't know you had any brains in your head.
How would you like it if I made you look like you're really dead? Boys, boys, will you just relax? I think Mark's gonna win the contest anyway.
Mark? (scoffs) No way.
Well? Well, if he's Al, I guess that makes you Al's mom? I don't think so, Brad.
Y'ello! Happy Halloween.
(Jill) Hi.
Boy, Al, you gotta stay outta the dryer.
Looking good, guys.
Looking good.
Guys, go wash up.
Brad, don't forget to wash behind your brains.
Well, I got the goodies for the kids and I got a little something special for you.
What? (gasps) Chocolate-covered marshmallow pumpkins? I didn't know they made these anymore.
Where did you find them? Little candy store in Windsor.
You drove to Canada to get me these? Aw, shucks.
I'd drive to Europe if it would put a little smile on your face.
What do you want? It's like this.
You know how me buying that put a little smile on your face? There's something I'd like to buy that would put a big smile on my face.
What would that be? A hardware store.
Take the candy back to Canada.
Listen, look, for a mere 15 grand we can own 20% of Harry's Hardware.
And while you're in Canada, you can file for citizenship.
This is a surefire investment.
That's what you said when you invested all our money in the hot rod.
Wait a minute.
That hot rod has gained value every single day.
Then sell the hot rod and buy a hardware store.
I am not selling the hot rod.
(grunts) (doorbell rings) After this is over No way! we're talking about this.
Al and Ilene, hi! I hope we're not intruding.
We were just on our way to the Sunday early bird special at Corky's Coffee Shop.
We've done it every Sunday since we met.
We get the same table, Al orders the meat loaf, I get the chicken cutlet, and halfway through the meal we switch.
God, and they say romance is dead.
You guys want a drink? No, we get unlimited coffee with the special.
Well, what's up? I stopped by to find out, are you going to invest in Harry's Hardware? It's a possibility.
It's completely out of the question.
We're still discussing it.
Over my dead body.
She's on the fence.
Because if you don't invest, I will.
You part with money? Last time you tried that, you jumped in the wishing well to get your money back.
I'll have you know that I once owned and operated a very successful business venture.
Did you really? I had no idea.
Neither did I.
Little Al's Lemonade Stand.
My slogan was, "When it comes to lemons, I'm your main squeeze.
" Oh, Al.
Even as a little boy, you were so clever.
Well, we're just clevered out with you, Al, we really are, but Jill and I still need a little time to talk about putting money into this hardware Time's up.
Congratulations, Al.
You got yourself a hardware store.
Hey, Al.
Good morning, Benny.
Oh, hi, Tim.
Hello, Al.
Oh, there he is.
How's my new silent partner? Well, Harry, I'm filled with a renewed sense of who Al Borland is and who he has the potential to blossom into.
Sorry I asked.
So, the old lemonade tycoon.
What are you doing, checking up on your investment? Nah.
No, no, no.
Harry doesn't need me to help him run this place.
Just, uh, pretend like I'm not here.
Comes naturally to me, Al.
What's that? Well, I thought I'd keep the freeloaders from coming in here and drinking all our coffee.
Good idea.
Benny, I believe the freeloaders he's talking about is you.
Get outta here.
I'm just saying that to be fair, everybody should pay 50 cents for their coffee.
Al, lighten up.
Hey, I'm no freeloader.
I'll buy my own coffee.
Harry, can I bum 50 cents? Sure thing.
Here you go, Benny.
Here you go, Al.
Here you go, Harry.
Thanks, Al.
Well, Al, financial moves like that, you'll be bankrupt in a week.
But you could throw yourself a benefit concert - "Lemon Aid.
" Yes.
If you're just getting leaves out of your gutters, all you need is these extensions, and I recommend these T4-70 series.
I'll take two of them, then.
What's it gonna cost? Oh, for you? You're my best customer.
I'll tell you what.
Give me a couple of tickets to Tool Time, and I'll give 'em to you at cost.
I'll give you two on the aisle.
Uh, Harry, can, um can we have a little business meeting? Sure.
Step into my office.
OK, what is it? Well, I'm just thinking that, um, if we sell everything at cost, we won't make a profit.
Well, I'm just saying that if we give Tim a discount, where does it stop? Your relatives? My relatives? Benny? You don't have to worry about me.
I never buy anything.
Al, um Excuse me, Al, but may I remind you that I spend more here in a month than most people do in a year? Well, Tim, business is business.
Maybe I'll take my business someplace else.
Al, you trying to give me another heart attack? Let's give him the discount.
Harry, I didn't make a killing at Little Al's Lemonade Stand by slashing my prices.
Well, I still own 80% of this hardware store, and Tim (laughs) gets a discount.
Thank you, Big Harry.
Sorry, Little Al.
Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right.
Now here he is, the star of the show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo-hoo! (cheering) Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, Heidi.
And welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant Al "The Living Lemon" Borland.
Today, we're gonna show you how to hang a picture on a hollow wall.
"Hollo," wall.
You're such a stud.
(fake laugh) OK, let's say we're Al scampering around our apartment putting up our favorite picture.
There we go.
Now, when this hap The reason that this happened is because the hollow wall here is not strong enough to support the weight.
For that you need a wall anchor.
There are many types of wall anchors.
You got your hollow wall anchor, plastic anchor, sleeve anchor, and if you're in that easy-listening mood, I'd go with Paul Anka.
Which one you choose depends on the weight of your picture.
For this one here I would go with a 3/4-inch plastic-lipped screw anchor.
These are available at any local hardware store.
That's right.
I like to buy mine at Harry's Hardware.
Third, near Main and Royal Oak.
Tell them that Al sent you.
We'll be right back with more of Al's commercial after a few words from our show.
All right.
Now, for this particular anchor what you wanna do is first drill a hole, then you want to set your anchor with your hammer.
All right.
Quickly use a screw.
Screw it in like that.
(driver whines) Oh, oh, oh, oh! Then we're ready to hang a magnificent piece of art.
Isn't it beautiful? Mona Borland.
Now, you've all heard of Monet.
This is what we call a "Don't waste your Monet.
" It's funny.
If you wanna save some Monet, shop at Harry's Hardware.
Our prices are unbeatable, and for our Spanish-speaking customers, se habla español.
Alberto? Uno momento.
I also wanna say that at Harry's Hardware, even Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor shops there.
Tell 'em how you're wild about Harry's.
It's you I'm not that crazy about.
We'll be right back after a few messages from Binford Tools, our real sponsor.
Are you outta your mind? You can't plug Harry's Hardware on Tool Time.
This isn't your own personal forum, Al.
What? You use this show as your own personal forum all the time.
Are you telling me when I have something important going on in my life, I can't use this show? Bingo.
You know what you are? You're a mean, selfish son of a gun.
You're jealous because I have something you don't.
What, a beard and 50 extra pounds? You look just like your father when I first told him I was pregnant.
Now, now, this is really scary now.
I like the big hair.
Quit picking at my face.
No member of my family's going out of this house with a loose scab.
It's the way all the kids are wearing 'em these days.
Oh, well! So, Mom, how do my brains look? Eww.
Very cerebral.
Mom, Dad, look what Al gave me to add to my costume.
Oh, great.
Now he's got my kid advertising for Harry's.
(horn honks) That's our ride.
Gotta go.
Have a good time, guys.
And be careful out there.
Well, Tim, for the first time in 13 years, you and I are alone together on Halloween.
All we gotta do is turn the lights down low, get naked and scare each other to death.
Just tell me you don't have "Harry's Hardware" printed on your bra.
(doorbell rings) After I get rid of these trick-or-treaters, you can find out.
(grunts) Ilene.
I'm sorry to barge in like this, but I am really upset with Al.
So you wore that outfit to get back at him? This is my costume for the Halloween party at the Putt-Putt Panorama.
Do you think it's too loud? Oh, no, no, no.
What was the question? I couldn't hear it over your outfit.
Al and I were supposed to go miniature golfing, but at the last minute he canceled.
He's still at that stupid hardware store.
Don't worry.
This is all new to Al now, but he'll calm down in a couple of days.
I don't think so.
He's canceled our date for tomorrow so he can work and the night after that and the night after that.
Tim, you should talk to him.
He won't listen to me, either.
He called me a selfish SOG.
What's an SOG? "Son of a gun.
" When Al gets mad, he's a real potty mouth.
Please, Tim.
Al's looking at the hardware store the way he used to look at me.
Been there.
Still there.
Going there.
I think you'll be very happy with the long-light halogen.
What are you gonna be using it for, Wilson? Well, Al, a few of my friends are celebrating the Mexican Halloween, Día de los Muertos.
"Day of the Dead"? Very good, Al.
At Harry's Hardware, se habla español.
Well, in that case, ¿cómo van las cosas con su nuevo negocio? Se habla español not so good-o.
I was just asking how you were enjoying being a new businessman.
Oh, muy bien.
And this is just the beginning.
Once I learn the ropes, I'm gonna break free from Harry's and open my own chain of hardware stores.
In fact, I stayed up all night thinking up a name for it.
What do you think of this? Al's Hardware.
That's very evocative.
If all goes according to plan, I'll double my money in five years.
That's an admirable goal, Al, but I might remind you that the American humorist Kin Hubbard said, "To safely double your money, fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
" Well, speaking of double, Wilson, it's double value days here at Harry's.
You buy another flashlight, I'll throw in the batteries for free.
I don't think so, Al.
All right.
Well, then, that's $39.
95 with tax.
There you go.
Thank you.
And there you go.
All right.
And good luck, Al.
Speaking of luck, next week is lucky dollar day right here at Harry's.
Nice bag o' bones, buddy.
Why, thank you, neighbor Tim.
Wilson? What are you doing here, Tim? Well, Al, I'm trying to save a relationship.
I'm moved that you want to apologize, but I'm not gonna give you a discount.
I'm talking about you and Ilene.
Well, I can't give her a discount, either.
Al she's sitting in our house right now.
She's really upset that you canceled this date.
Well, she's she's just gonna have to understand that I own a business now.
I have a whole new set of responsibilities.
Al, Harry owns 80% of "your" business.
He never stays here this late.
Ah, but Harry doesn't see the big picture.
I'm breaking in a whole new market - the after-hours hardware crowd.
Al, I am the after-hours hardware crowd.
And that's why I'm working so hard.
This is the first time I've taken a chance, and I wanna succeed.
You break it, you bought it.
Up until now it's just been one big routine.
I get up in the morning at the same time.
I have the same thing for breakfast.
I go to the bathroom at the same time.
Don't knock that.
My father never took a risk in his life.
He worked at the same factory, the same job, for 40 years.
Now, I know they offered him better jobs, but he was afraid to take them because he didn't want to take the chance of losing what he had.
Come on, Al.
You're not like your dad.
You take risks every day.
Oh, yeah? Like what? You work with me.
Well, that's true.
What I'm saying, Al, is that risk worked, and this one can, too.
You're gonna make Harry a great partner.
You think so? I just wish you wouldn't drive everybody crazy, including Harry and Ilene.
I know my behavior's been a bit overzealous.
Hey, why don't I close up early tonight? That's a good idea.
You can meet Ilene.
She looks pretty terrific in those little knickers she's wearing.
In a couple of hours, the Putt-Putt will be shut-shut.
You're such a nut-nut.
Why don't I get my coat and we'll lock up? Hey, wait a minute.
Go on.
You go on.
I'll lock up for you.
You want me to leave you alone in my hardware store? Yes, I do.
I don't think so, Tim.
All right.
Come on, let me stay here, please.
You gotta start taking risks.
No, come on.
Let me just do it, just this - Whoa, what's this? (metal crashes) I don't know, but you just bought it.
Hi, guys.
I can't believe Mark won the contest, and we didn't even get anything.
I knew you'd win.
If you ask me, the whole thing was fixed.
Yeah, you should've seen the judges.
It was an all-flannel panel.
Guys, I won fair and square.
I can't help it if Al's mom was the head judge.
(sighs) Well, kids home? You'll be happy to know that Al left the hardware store, he met Ilene, and they are now miniature golfing.
You're a good friend.
She's got the red ball, he's got the green ball, and after nine holes they switch.
How about you? Are you and Al OK? Yep.
We're all right.
He gave me the key to the hardware store.
He gave you the key to the hardware store? He just doesn't know it yet.
He gave me the key to the hardware store.
He gave you the key to the hardware store? He just doesn't know it yet.
Hey, Tim.
How do you like my new location? It's good.
You got any doughnuts? Sure.
What did you do with the garage? Oh, it's still on Wednesday night.

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