Home Improvement s04e07 Episode Script

Let's Go To The Videotape

Man, this ice cream really is frozen.
How long is it gonna take before we get to eat it? Well, I'm guessing about 12 more spoons.
Tim, I found the video camera.
(Tim) What do you want that for? I want you to tape my speech.
Don't worry, Mom.
You're gonna do great.
Oh, thank you.
I'm so nervous about this library opening.
I have never spoken in front of so many people before.
Oh, you have nothing to worry about.
And, by the way, did we mention that you look awesome? Why do you have your hands behind your backs? Just a little change of pace from keeping 'em in front, you know.
Uh, yeah.
You oughta try it.
It's a lot of fun.
Let's see 'em.
Both of 'em.
You're so pathetic.
Oh, guys.
How many times - I told you not to break the spoons in the ice cream.
What happened to that ice cream scooper I bought you? It didn't work right.
Dad's trying to fix it.
Dad did fix it.
Oh, great.
I took the old 35-watt element out of this and replaced it with one out of an electric curling iron.
Tim, we don't have time for this.
We have to go.
Now you not only melt the ice cream, you can style at the same time.
Just flip her on.
(scoop humming) Watch this baby go right through this stuff.
Look at that.
Milkshake, anybody? Whoa, Al.
Cut me in for half and I won't tell Harry.
I'm not robbing the store.
Haven't you heard? I'm part owner.
Yeah, a very small part.
You see that corner over there? That's what you own.
Eddie, how you doing? I'm fine, Harry.
How are you? It's great that we feel comfortable enough to joke with each other.
Right, froggy voice? Right, Al.
(imitates Harry) Right, Harry.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Tim.
How's it going? Hi, Tim.
Harry, you got one of those small screwdriver sets? Tape's jammed in my camera.
Well, uh, here you go.
Hey, thanks.
How's it going? I'm numb.
I just spent three of the most boring hours of my life at the library.
Three hours? I think if you put together all the time I've ever spent in a library, it wouldn't come out to be three hours.
God, who would have guessed? Jill had this big speech at the library.
I told her I'd tape it for her.
You taped that? Great, 'cause Ilene really wanted to see it.
Is she the orthodontist you been seeing? That she is.
Maybe one night this week, Ilene and I could come and watch Jill's speech.
We'll show you the tape of Ilene speaking at the wisdom tooth symposium.
Or I could just put my head in a vise.
Timmy, are those things hard to use? No, not anymore.
Point and shoot, pretty much.
Put her on "auto.
" Push your lens cap aside.
You start shooting.
Why does everybody wave at these things? It's perfect.
I do birthdays, holidays, all of our vacations.
My favorite thing is oddly misshapen butt cracks.
Look at that.
Zoom in.
Yo! Tim, would you turn that thing off? Careful with that.
So that library thing was pretty bad, huh? Let's put it this way.
Jill's speech was so boring, I had to check my pulse to see if I was still alive.
Harry, he's exaggerating.
Jill is a very fine speaker.
Generally she is, but she started quoting some poetry.
It was blanket and pillow time.
You wanna talk sleep - my wife starts going on about her antique button collection? I'm in a coma.
Hey, forget coma.
Last night, my wife starts talking about decorating.
Oh, boy.
I was clinically dead for three minutes.
Clear! I'm telling ya, I'm not kidding.
There she is, yakking about new fabrics for the sunroom.
I didn't know what the old fabrics looked like.
I didn't even know we had a sunroom! I tell you what kills me - is when my wife wants to talk about our "relationship.
" Like you have one.
No, wait.
I got a better - My wife's studying psychology right now.
Boy, is she boring when she yammers on about these terms - neurotic, psychotic, halitosis, neurosis, cirrhosis, I don't know.
Dysfunction, dat function, your function.
My wife is much more boring.
No one is as boring as my wife.
When my wife talks psychology, she is the big bopper of boredom.
So I got this great strategy.
This is so cool.
I just pretend like I'm listening and fade her out and just go, "Whuh-huh.
" You guys, I'm telling you, maybe it's 'cause I'm new to my relationship, but I like talking to Ilene.
(Tim, Eddie, Harry) Whuh-huh.
It's true.
I find everything she says fascinating and illuminating.
(Tim, Eddie, Harry) Whuh-huh.
Al, that's 'cause in your relationship, you are the boring one.
To quote my favorite poet, Elizabeth Barrett Browning (clears throat) "Books, books, books.
"I had found the secret of a garret-room "Piled high with cases in my father's name, "Piled high, packed large - where, creeping in and out "Among the giant fossils of my past "In heats of terror, haste, victorious joy, "The first book first.
"And how I felt it beat "Under my pillow, in the morning's dark, "An hour before the sun would let me read! My books!" Whoo! You were wonderful.
That was great.
I love Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
"If thou must love me, let it be for love's sake only.
" Put a socketh in it, Aleth.
So it was all right? I was so nervous.
Oh, yeah, you were great.
So commanding.
You look great in that suit.
Thank you.
I could have seen that tape over and over and over again.
Thank you, sweetie.
I'm glad you taped it so we could see it.
I felt like I was there.
(Tim) Why does everybody wave at these things? I do birthdays Wait a minute.
Whose butt is this? I know whose it is.
Very nice, Al.
turn that thing off? Careful with that.
So that library thing was pretty bad? Let's put it this way.
Jill's speech was so dull, I had to check my pulse to see if I was still alive.
(grunts) Uh-oh.
Did you tape this? I didn't know it was on.
I just put it down.
No, I got it worse than either of you guys.
Now Jill is studying psychology.
Boy, she is so boring the way she yammers on with these useless terms.
This is very illuminating.
"So boring"? That's not what I said.
I said "sobering.
" We'll just let ourselves out.
We gotta see that tape on the wisdom teeth.
We'll leave it with you, OK? How about coffee? We gotta have coffee.
I'll make that cappuccino stuff.
I'll make a pie.
Why don't you stay the night?! Well, I suppose you wanna talk about this? Oh, no.
I wouldn't wanna bore you.
That's all right.
Go ahead.
I mean I wanna hear what you have to say.
I've already heard what you have to say.
I was at a hardware store talking with guys.
Is this how you really feel about me? No, it's just what I say.
It's a hardware store, an inner sanctum for guys.
We say whatever we wanna say.
Oh, I see.
So you don't have to be accountable for what you say? Yes.
You're blowing this all out of proportion.
You know how men talk.
You and your girlfriends do the same thing.
That is not true.
I have never once said anything behind your back that I haven't said to your face.
That just proves I'm more sensitive than you.
How? If I have something to say about you, I have the courtesy to take it to a hardware store and say it in front of strangers.
That's insane.
It was a conversation you should've never heard.
It was a conversation that you never should have had.
It was a conversation you shouldn't have seen.
This conversation is over.
Well, that's good because I'm sick of saying the word "conversation"! Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! It's rock-'n'-roll day on Tool Time, with those rocking tool men, Tim Taylor and Al Borland.
Whoo! ( rock-'n'-roll) Heidi.
Heidi! Hi.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Cool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant, the King, Al-vis.
(imitating Elvis) Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Today, we're gonna have a rocking good time, because we're gonna be building ourselves a rocking chair.
This is the last theme show we're gonna do.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
A rocking Could we? (normal voice) All right, well, yesterday, if you remember, we bent the wood for the frame of our chair by putting it in this steamer box.
The steam made the wood pliable and easy to shape.
Speaking of steam, I wanna let off some.
Why don't women understand that men need a place to be men? To get together with other men and discuss manly things.
Right, men? (men) Yeah.
All kinds of men stuff, you know - from V-8 engines to smelly feet, to what annoys us most about our wives.
(grunts) Where do you nag about the little lady? Divorce court.
Moving along.
You up there, sir.
You, sir.
Where were you the last time you were with a group of men letting off steam about women? Jackson State penitentiary.
Well, I'm glad we made this little journey.
Al? All right.
If you remember, I told you that we've already bent our wood.
Now we're ready to make the legs and posts of our chair using the Binford 6100 variable-speed wood lathe.
That's right.
Now, we first use a rough gouge to take off the square edges.
Then Al will use the 1/2-inch round nose to start shaping our piece.
Marv, bring the camera, and let's take a look at this.
There are various types of patterns to shape your legs, or you can do it freehand.
It's a very difficult skill to master.
You might wanna practice on a spare piece of wood.
That's good advice.
I'll give you more good advice.
Always think safety when working with a spinning lathe.
You notice I didn't wear a necktie.
We get letters about this.
You want nothing hanging down and no loose clothing.
The possibility (laughter) Let me finish.
Sometimes If you get too close to a lathe, you can lose an article of clothing.
Is it a little chilly in here? (Wilson hums) Hey, Wilson? Hi-de-ho, neighborette.
Can you do me a favor? Tim is running late and I have a psychology class.
Can you keep an eye on the kids for me? That'll be my pleasure, Jill.
How did that Elizabeth Barrett Browning poem I gave you work out? Not too well with Tim.
After he taped my speech, he accidentally taped himself making fun of me at the hardware store.
I guess I can expect Tim out here pretty soon.
I doubt it.
He didn't even think he did anything wrong.
He said he was only doing what (deep voice) all guys do when they get together.
Well, Jill, the renowned psychiatrist Irvin D.
Yalom postulated that men relieve their isolation by bonding over common fears and experiences.
Yalom was talking about universality as it applies to formal therapy, not a bunch of guys sitting around dumping on their wives.
Well, that-that's an excellent point.
However, knowing Tim as I do, I'm sure it was just an innocent exchange bearing no real malice.
(giggles) As Freud so humorously pointed out, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
" That is such a crock.
As Carl Jung says, "If people can be educated "to see the lowly side of their own natures, then they might also understand their fellow man or woman better.
" Well, with all due respect to Jung, I believe it was Bruno Bettelheim - Oh, don't Bettelheim me.
Tim was talking about me behind my back, and you know what Andrea Dworkin says about that.
Oh, actually, I don't.
She says if women talk about people behind their backs, they call it "gossip," but if men do it, it's (deep voice) "male bonding.
" Jill, ever since you decided to go back to school, you've made things so very, very hard on me.
That your card? Yeah.
How'd you do that? Guess what I have.
Rabies? No.
This videotape.
I heard Mom and Dad arguing about it last night, so then I came down and got the tape.
Hey, that was pretty sneaky.
You know, Mark, if you keep this up, you might actually turn into a person.
I really wanna be a person.
No one is as boring as my wife.
Guys, guys, believe me.
I got it - When Jill's talking about psychology, she's the big bopper of boredom Whoa.
Mom saw this and Dad's still alive? Yeah, well, the night is still young.
Hey, shut that off.
You guys shouldn't be watching that.
Why not? Why? Because it's private adult stuff.
You wouldn't understand.
You're making fun of Mom.
What's so hard to understand? I'm not making fun of Mom.
I'm making fun of my wife.
Dad, I don't know if you realize this, but they're the same person.
It's a joke, a little joke.
She knows it.
End of story, OK? Why isn't she talking to you? You're starting to act a lot like Brad and Randy.
Let me explain something to you guys.
A lot of things can be said in the privacy of a hardware store that cannot be said in public places like your home.
So what you're saying is you can make fun of Mom, but not when she's around.
No, that's not what I'm saying.
Then what are you saying? It's disrespectful to say anything about other people when they're not around.
Especially if a camera is rolling.
Gotcha, Dad.
Come on, come on, come on.
Good luck, Dad.
Hi, Mom.
Bye, Mom.
(Brad) Hi, Mom.
Jill, I'm really sorry about the stuff on this tape.
You are? You know how I am.
I started getting laughs.
I get on a roll.
When I get like that, I don't really think about what I'm saying.
To be honest with you, your speech wasn't that bad.
Look, what you said about my speech was humiliating, but what really got to me was the way that you put me down for talking about my psychology classes.
I didn't mean that.
Tim, come on.
Do you think I don't notice the way your eyes glaze over every time I try to talk to you about it? I know that you think it's a bunch of gobbledegook, but I love it.
I'm working really hard.
I'm juggling my life around so I can make this thing happen, and when you demean it, it's just It hurts me.
S-So who-who's gonna make dinner? Tim, I need this book.
In a minute.
I'm reading something here about my souped-up ego.
That's "superego.
" Why are you reading my book? I wanna find out why this is so interesting to you.
Because you want to or because you feel guilty? According to chapter two, a little of both.
You read two chapters? Yes, and the chapter on animal sexuality's quite interesting.
You really think so? Yeah.
I'm not saying a few pictures wouldn't help the process.
Well, if you think that's interesting, wait till you get to the chapter on aberrant female sexuality.
Read it.
Actually started with that chapter first.
From now on, I'm reading everything you read.
You don't have to go that far.
Honey, when I go at something, I go full-bore.
Something else I figured out we might do.
I'm gonna take you to see those three tenors that you love on PBS - Paparazzi, Manicotti and Flamingo.
(imitating opera singer) Tim, you just named a photographer, a food and a hotel.
I don't care what they do.
They sing great.
Well, that would be really nice, because it's always been my fantasy to be with a man who enjoyed doing the same things I do.
You know, like taking me to the opera, the ballet, the theater.
That's my fantasy, too.
Really? Mm-hmm.
If I could find that man, I wouldn't have to go myself.
What is your real fantasy? It involves some twins and a yo-yo.
Yeah, I know who the yo-yo is.
Oh, no, what have you taped now? More pearls of wisdom from the hardware store? No.
Actually, I went back and looked at the tape.
There's a second part of the conversation you never even saw.
You should take a look at it.
I don't think so.
I've seen enough.
No, really.
Come over here and take a look at this.
You know, Harry, on second thought, I really did enjoy my wife's speech.
You took this five minutes later? Yeah.
You're wearing different clothes.
Men in hardware stores change frequently.
(stiltedly) T-Tool Man, you have shown me the way.
Because of you I now realize how much I love talking to my wife about her needs.
Now, that is realistic dialogue.
Tool Man, you are the greatest.
You have shown me the love that I have for my mife.
Your W's look like M's.
That's why I said "mife.
" Your W's do look like M's.
Well, it's good we got in touch with our true feelings.
I certainly didn't mean to hurt my wife, and I I hope that she knows that? Yeah, yeah, she knows that.
(mimicking Eddie) Tool Man, you are the greatest.
I am so happy to be your mife.
Look, how easy this thing is.
Oh, oh, oh.
(grunts) Hmm.
Might be just a bit hot.
Harry, he's "exaggeuating.
" Jill is a very fine speaker.
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