Home Improvement s04e08 Episode Script

Quibbling Siblings

All right, our next gadget here on Gadget Corner is a car safety device known as the Snooze No More.
That's right.
Stick this little bad boy in your ear like this, adjust it for your level, and when you're driving you won't go to sleep.
(gadget beeps) It's also good when Aunt Agnes stops by to talk about her kidney stone operation.
Was it painful? (gadget beeps) Did you save any of the stones? (beep) All right.
Next up on You can videotape that, watch the operation backwards.
They put it back in? (beep) All right, I'm sure you'll like (beeps) (continuous beep) (beep stops) All right, our next gadget here on-- (beep resumes) on Gadget Corner - (beep stops) All right, let's say your boots are sopping wet from a rainstorm at the job site.
Come home, what are you gonna do? You go straight to Binford's electric boot dryer.
Let's show how it works.
Heidi, wet boots, please.
These boots have been sitting in this scalding hot water/ brine solution for over two days.
Whoo! These babies are wet.
Yeah? Where'd you get those boots? Out of your locker.
Those are my dress work boots.
Yeah, a word to the wise, Al.
Always lock your locker on Gadget Day.
But don't worry.
In one minute, they'll be dry as a bone.
I don't think so.
Binford's electric boot dryer takes overnight to work.
That's before I gave it a 5000-watt boost.
Watch this.
My boots are smoking! That's probably because they're on fire.
Put them in the water, quick! Oh, well, now they're all wet a-- Ah, jeez.
Now it's time to use the boot dryer again.
This could be a very long show at this rate.
Hey, good job, Dad.
Thank you, son.
Timihana! Hello.
How was school? It was great.
I got my first A.
Well, that goes on the refrigerator.
No, Tim.
This is a paper on abnormal sexuality.
Put it up in the bedroom.
We don't need it.
Not only did I get an A, I got the highest grade in the class.
Everybody really is mad at me because I wrecked the curve.
I love school.
I'm very proud of you.
Your first A.
I'm still waiting for mine.
(phone rings) I'll get it.
Hello? Oh, hi, Al.
Yeah, he's right here.
Try not to tie up the line.
I'm waiting for a call.
I own the line.
Hi, Al.
What's up? Really? That's too bad, Al.
It really is.
I know how much the guy meant to you.
Wow, that's weird.
That really is weird.
No, don't worry about tomorrow.
I got it covered.
I can do it myself.
OK, take as much time as you want.
What happened? Al's favorite bingo caller died.
Oh, no.
Al said his last words were, "B-11 and G I think I'm having a heart attack.
" Oh, that's awful.
Worse than that, Al was one away from bingo.
Dad, since Al's not gonna be there tomorrow, do you think maybe I could be your assistant? You mean, you take Al's place? Yeah.
I mean, I know a lot about tools, and I can say, "I don't think so, Tim.
" What about school? I'd only miss a couple classes.
It's in the afternoon.
Would you miss important ones? You know, like shop? Nah, just history and math.
In that case, all right, yeah.
All right.
First thing is Heidi introduces us, then we tell 'em it's Craft Week, then we begin the project.
But the best part is I get to use the scroll saw all by myself.
No, no, no, no.
Best part is, I get to work side by side with my eldest boy.
Tool Dad, Tool Son.
(both) Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar.
Now ( loud rock) Hey, hey, hey! Could you please turn that junk down? (turns music off) It's not junk, it's heavy metal.
It sounds like they're banging their heads on their guitars while they're getting their teeth drilled.
Hey, cool.
You saw the video.
Randy, stop bothering us.
We're trying to prepare for tomorrow's Tool Time.
What do you mean, "we"? Al's not gonna be be there.
So I'm gonna be Dad's new assistant.
You? Yeah, and not only that, I get to hang out with Heidi.
I'll probably get her phone number.
Back the hormones up.
I don't want to have to bring the fire department in to hose you down.
No big deal for them.
They're usually there anyway.
(siren wailing) Hey, quit playing with my basketball.
Why? You're not.
Well, I am now.
So, did you hear Brad's gonna be on Tool Time? Yeah, they're doing a salute to doofuses.
Who'd want to be on that stupid show anyway? Well, I would.
Forget about it.
The only one who'll ever get to be on that show is Brad.
Dad picks him to do everything.
Dad does a lot of things with me, too.
Oh, shut up.
I don't know.
I think Dad will let me be on Tool Time someday.
Yeah, well, don't hold your breath.
On second thought, hold your breath.
We'll be using a number nine medium-tooth blade in our scroll saw.
Oh, man, I'm gonna be awesome.
Hi, Brad.
Oh, uh, hi, Hodi.
Um Ho, Heidi.
I mean, hi, Heidi.
You a little nervous about being on Tool Time? Um Tool Time? Oh! Oh, yeah.
That's it.
There's a trick I use, calm myself down before a show.
I just picture everybody in their underwear.
I don't think that's gonna work.
You'll be fine.
Almost ready to go, Heidi? Yeah.
Little nervous? Use a little trick I use to calm myself down.
Just picture everybody naked.
Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right.
Now here he is, the star of the show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo-hoo! (cheering) Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, everybody.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and we have a special treat for you today.
Al's not here! (audience groans) Hey, pal, sit back down.
Got a special guest assistant for you.
I want you to give a big warm Tool Time welcome to my oldest boy, Brad "The Tool Boy" Taylor! Hi, everyone.
(man) Hi.
Well, it's Craft Week here on Tool Time, and we're doing our salute (drill whirs) to scroll saws.
We're gonna show you how to use a Binford 6100 scroll saw.
Brad, why don't you tell us what a scroll saw can do? It's used for cutting out intricate patterns in wood.
You can also cut out intricate patterns in coat racks, hat racks, pipe racks or Tyrannosaurus racks.
(roar sound effect) What manly design are you cutting out today? A heart for my girlfriend Ashley.
Can't get much more manly than that.
Now, I've already traced my design onto a piece of 3/4-inch clear pine.
Heidi, the clear pine, please.
Here you go, Brad.
Hank you, Theidi.
Um I mean, thank you, Heidi.
Could we? Sorry, Dad.
Now, we'll be using a number nine medium-tooth blade in our scroll saw.
Welcome, folks, to the Scroll Saw Grand Prix, starring championship driver Brad Taylor.
He was in pole position at his first cut.
Notice how he keeps his fingers away from the blade, on the advice of his crew chief "Three Fingers" Morgan, a lousy crew chief but a great bowler.
He's around that corner.
There's no one even near him.
Can he hold the race till the end? We don't know.
Watch this, for the grand (makes engine noises) Watch out! The finish line Checkered flag! Good work.
Thanks, Dad.
Watching that, I'm thinking maybe I'll make Mom a heart instead of a pipe rack.
Aren't you gonna trace your design first? Son, you been scrolling as long as I have, you don't need to waste time tracing.
I want you to be my commentator.
All right.
Welcome to the Scroll Saw 500.
Tim Taylor's at the wheel.
Uh-oh! All the other scrollers are leaving the track! They're afraid for their lives! Now, the race is up to Tim Taylor.
All he has to do is finish the heart, and the victory's his.
Now, let me tell you, I bet my dad's gonna make a great-looking heart.
He's at the finish line.
Is it great? Um, Dad that doesn't look like a heart.
It looks more like a kidney.
Well, yes, it does.
Well, a heart says, "I love you," but a kidney says, "I gotta go.
" Well, guess what.
And so do we.
We'll be right back after these words from Binford.
I want to thank our special guest Brad Taylor, who filled Al's tool belt admirably.
With a few notches left over, I might add.
Goodbye, everybody.
Nee you sex time.
See you next time.
Bye, folks.
Brad, you were wonderful.
I am so sorry I had that test and couldn't be there.
Yeah, you were really good.
You had the audience eating out of the palm of your hand.
One of these days, you'll have your own star on the Tool Time Walk of Fame, right near mine and way ahead of Al's.
(phone rings) (Randy) I'll get it.
Hey, don't bother.
I'm sure it's for me.
It's probably Heidi.
Yeah, she just wants to know what time she should come over to baby-sit you.
You're just jealous.
Hello? Oh.
Hi, Ashley.
Oh, you loved the show? Not as much as Brad loves Heidi.
I'm gonna pound you, you little punk.
No, not you, Ashley.
Um (sing-song) Brad and Heidi, sitting in Could I call you right back? k-i-s-s Hey, hey, let it go.
Come on.
Just go call Ashley upstairs from our room.
What are you doing? Me? He's the one doing all the shoving.
'Cause you're acting like a jerk.
Tim, Tim.
Randy, what's going on? Nothing.
This is a big deal for Brad.
You should be happy for him.
You know, you're right, Dad.
Why don't I just throw him a parade? His head's so big, he could be a float.
So what do you think is going on with Randy? There's nothing going on.
He's just being Mr.
Maybe he's reacting to his equally obnoxious brother, Mr.
You should know she's a master electrician.
Yeah, right.
What we have here, honey, is a simple case of sibling rivalry.
Which just proves, Ms.
Straight-A Student, that I might know just about as much about psychology as you do.
Oh, really? What causes sibling rivalry? Having more than one kid.
It's the competition between siblings for the love and attention of their parents.
So Randy's acting like this to get our attention? No.
I think he's acting like this to get your attention.
Why does he just want my attention? 'Cause you took Brad on Tool Time.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
This is classic Freud - transferring blame to the tool show host.
Look, all I'm saying is that I think that Randy's feeling a little left out.
He wouldn't want to go on Tool Time.
He doesn't like tools.
This goes way beyond Tool Time.
You spend more time with Brad.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
You're always working on the hot rod together, talking about what Brad's first car should be.
He'll be the first to drive.
He's the oldest.
Exactly my point.
Randy is a middle child, just like I was.
We're not going through this middle-child thing again? Please? It was very traumatic.
I was constantly overlooked.
Whenever you went to the zoo, you never got to see the animals you wanted to see.
Robin got to see the monkeys.
Katie got to see the zebras.
I've heard this story over and over and over All I wanted to do was see the wallabies.
Hey, Randy, I was looking for you.
Well, you found me.
See ya.
Wait a minute.
I got an idea.
How would you like to be on Tool Time with me next week? Why, is Brad holding out for more money? This has nothing to do with Brad.
I thought it'd be fun.
We could do a project together.
No, thanks.
Heidi will be there.
She's a master electrician.
(Wilson) Is that you, Tim? Hi, Wilson.
Neighbor, have you seen my fuzzy woolly bear? No, and I'd like to keep it that way.
No, Tim, the fuzzy woolly bear I'm referring to is a type of caterpillar.
Oh, there you are, little fella.
Just one question, Wilson.
Pet or dinner? It's a weather forecaster, Tim.
By measuring the width of the stripe on the caterpillar's back, I can tell you how long and cold the winter's gonna be.
I wish I had a caterpillar to tell me what to do about Randy.
He's upset because he thinks I favor Brad.
Well, do you feel that's true? No.
I do things with both of the guys, you know.
Brad and I go to sporting events, work on the hot rod, build stuff with my tools.
Randy and I joke.
I make jokes, he makes jokes, we make jokes.
The jokes go back and forth.
He jokes, I joke.
There's a lot of jokes going on.
Sounds like you share your jocularity.
No, he couldn't fit into mine.
Truth is, Wilson, I'm not that interested in the things that Randy does.
Playing with his computer, listening to heavy metal music, reading books without the word "illustrated" on the cover.
Well, it sounds to me like it's just more difficult for you to connect with Randy.
I guess so.
Well, Tim, I'm reminded of what the Chinese philosopher Chuang-tzu said.
"You cannot speak of the ocean to a well frog.
You cannot speak of ice to a summer insect.
" You can't speak Chinese to a tool man.
What are you talking about? All I'm saying is if Randy is feeling overlooked, maybe you have to try a little harder to find a way into his world.
(grunts) Yeah, gotta get into his world.
See ya, Mom.
Hey, wait.
Where you going? To the mall.
I'm just gonna meet a lot of my friends.
They're probably just gonna tell me how great I am.
Brad, Brad, wait a minute.
Come back.
I want to talk to you.
What? I know that you were a guest star on a low-rated cable show for a half an hour, but don't you think that you're getting a little puffed up with yourself? Well, I mean, I can't help it if everybody loved me.
I don't think that Randy loved you so much.
Mom, come on.
I mean, Randy was a total jerk.
He made fun of everything I did.
Well, that's because you got to be on TV and he didn't.
So you're saying Randy's jealous of me? Yeah, a little.
Brad, I want you to think about this.
How do you feel when Randy comes home with a really great report card and waves that around under your face? Not so cool.
And, see, this is kinda harder for Randy, because he's a middle child, just like I was.
Mom, Mom, please, not the wallaby story.
We went to the zoo every year.
Robin got to see the monkeys Oh, no.
No! (knock on door/ door opens) Hey, Randy, how are things in your world? What? What are you doing? Just finishing up some biology homework.
Need help? Nope.
I came up here to talk about what's going on.
Nothing's going on.
Randy, something's going on, and I'm pretty sure it's my fault.
What do you mean? Well, this ancient Chinese ice-cream salesman, Young Zoo, found that frozen frogs and wet insects couldn't talk 'cause they were cold to one another.
Sure thing, Dad.
What I'm trying to say is if it seems like I spend more time with Brad than you, it's because we share similar interests, and I wish I was interested in the same things you are, but just because I'm not doesn't mean I love you any less.
Do you understand that? Yeah, I guess.
You know, of all the boys, I figure you and I are the most alike.
Oh, come on, Dad.
I mean, you and Brad are the most alike.
No, no.
We share similar interests, but you and I have similar personalities.
If a guy's walking down the street with his fly down, if I can't come up with a joke, I know you'll back me up.
Well, I mean, you gotta make the fly joke.
That's right.
You gotta make the fly joke.
Hey, pal, you know your fly's down? It's cheaper than air conditioning.
Zoom! Hey, buddy, you know your fly's down? No, but I know "Fly Me To The Moon.
" Hey! All right.
What is that thing? It's a disk that has Zombie Sneak Attack on it.
Oh, zombies.
Love zombies.
Can two play this game? Yeah.
Let's play.
All right.
What are we waiting for? It's gonna take a minute to boot up.
I still have that old L30 chip in it.
Not much power.
Are you saying this thing needs more power? Lemme open it up.
I can make this thing go faster.
Well, why don't we just save you the trouble and throw it up against the wall? (Tim on TV) Watch out! The finish line Checkered flag! Don't you ever get sick of watching yourself on Tool Time? Shh.
Are you kidding me? Every time I watch that videotape, I always find something else I like about me.
You know, it's true what they say.
You're better on tape than you are in person.
Well do you really think I stunk? Nah, I thought you did a jerrific tob.
Hey, you wanna go play some Zombie Sneak Attack? Uh, can't do it.
Dad made a few adjustments.
Zombies won't be coming back from the dead anymore.
Well done, Dad.
Thank you, son.
I'm sure you'll love our next gadget here.
That's right.
You're on the job site, it's been raining all day, your boots are sop soap Yes.
Get (woman) Here we go.
Ready in 5, 4, 3
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