Home Improvement s04e09 Episode Script

My Dinner With Wilson

Ha! Welcome back to Tool Time.
Over the years, we've received mail from astute viewers that have noticed that both Tim and I are left-handed.
I'm left-handed? That is right.
That is why we're doing our Tool Time salute to lefties.
Only 10% of the population is left-handed.
That's true.
Perhaps that is why there are so many derogatory terms about us.
Such as "left-back.
" "Left-out.
" When someone's clumsy, what's that? Tim.
When's the last time you southpaws picked up right-handed scissors, going: "I can't cut it.
My arm's cramping"? Or sheared a sheep with right-handed sheep shears? Well, speaking for me only, last time I sheared a sheep was shome time ago.
See? When I use my left-handed scissors, with the blade on top, I can now cut with all the confidence of a right-hander.
Snip, snip.
(hums) And here we have left-handed pruning shears.
If you go with these, your pruning will move a lot faster.
If you go with prunes, you'll move a lot faster.
Let's show the audience how two lefties can prune with left-handed tools.
My pleasure.
We'll see who's the quicker shearer here.
Yes, we will.
Klaus, some pruning music, please.
( "Saber Dance" by Khachaturian) Hi, Mom.
You're finally getting rid of that junk from your room.
This is the centerpiece I made at school for Thanksgiving.
And gosh, it's beautiful.
Thanks, Mom.
You know what? You should take that over to Wilson's when we go for Thanksgiving.
It still smells in here.
What is that smell? I don't know.
It's like that fish that Wilson cooks at Christmas.
You mean lutefisk? Remember last year? There were skunks picketing the neighborhood.
This is way worse than lutefisk.
Nothing is worse than lutefisk.
Where's that smell? Get away from me! It's here.
It's here.
Ugh! There it is.
Probably a dead rodent.
A dead rat! Ew! Don't say "ew.
" Something good will come out of this.
What good can come out of a dead rodent in your wall? I get to knock a big hole in there.
Dad, do we have to do this with you? Yes.
Hands-on rat removal turns boys into men.
You said the same thing about us cleaning out the garbage disposal.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
We have struck rat.
(imitates JamesCagney) You dirty rat.
Oh, that's where that glove went.
Dad, I hate to tell you this, but that's not a rat.
A dead rat looks like this.
We're out of here.
Whoa! It stinks even worse than before.
'Cause I knocked some holes in the wall.
Well, did you find a dead rat? No, but I'm hot on his tail.
But I'll take care of the smell.
I got this industrial disinfectant.
With a zesty scent of lemon.
This lemon stuff is worse than the rat.
You'll get used to it.
(doorbell) Hi, can I help you? I'm the home appraiser from the Royal Oak Bank.
(sniffs) And right now, I'm thinking low.
No, we have a dead rat in the wall.
I think you have the wrong house.
No, this is 510.
Wilson's house, next-door.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Why would Wilson have his house appraised? I don't know.
Well, people do it all the time.
Maybe he's refinancing.
Or maybe he wants to know what it's worth so he can sell it.
I don't think he'd sell the house without telling us about it.
Gosh, I hope he's not having financial problems.
Well, he has been wearing that hat for an awful long time.
I bet he wants to sell his house.
I think you're jumping to conclusions.
I smell a rat.
Why did we have to get all dressed up? 'Cause our parents made us, we're making you, that's why.
Let me find out why Wilson is having his house appraised.
It may be a sensitive subject and you don't know how to be subtle.
My middle name is Subtle.
And your first name is Not.
Well, hi-de-ho, Taylor lads.
I brought you this.
Why, thank you, Mark.
This'll make a wonderful addition to our table.
Welcome to my humble haven.
Hey, speaking of a humble haven - what's a haven like this go for? I brought you a pumpkin pie for dessert.
Thank you, Jill.
Mm, that smells lemony.
Come on in.
Um, want me to take this to the kitchen? Sure.
And guys, don't touch anything.
Don't tell us, tell Dad.
Last time we were over here, he was the one that accidentally shot off the cannon.
What do ya got in the tropical room? Myna bird.
(bird squawks) Hi-de-ho, good neighbor.
It's got a beak on it, doesn't it? (bird bites Tim) Wilson! Mozart, let him go.
Hey, Wilson.
I never noticed this mask.
Yeah, me neither.
I never pictured you much as a hockey goalie.
Actually, Brad, that's from a tribe in Uganda.
It's a ceremonial mask that was used when a young man was circumcised.
He wore the mask so you couldn't see him Wilson, you changed the room again.
It looks wonderful.
You went all-out.
I tried to recreate the first Thanksgiving.
I brought out my traditional Algonquin and Pilgrim artifacts.
You overcooked it, Wilson.
That's Indian corn, Tim.
Hey, Wilson.
Do you think I could try on this suit of armor? That won't fit you.
It's 46, long, right? With extra rivets.
Maybe next time.
Make yourselves comfortable.
Turkey will be in ten minutes.
Hey, Wilson.
Do you think maybe I could check out the waterfall? No, that's out of order.
But if you boys want, you can play with my Orient Express train set.
Hey, cool.
Where is it? Third door on the left, past the Tibetan meditation room, right before the can.
Thanks, Wilson.
Hey, Wilson.
Speaking of trains - you know, trains move people, people move.
(grunts) I think my rib just moved.
Wilson, these hors d'oeuvres look really interesting.
Those are authentic Pilgrim foretastes.
That's eel pie.
This is really wonderful, you know - friends getting together in the holidays.
Friends who would do anything for each other.
All righty.
Cabernet 1936.
All right.
Dig in, before that eel gets cold.
Um, Wilson What I'm trying to say is that if you ever need anything, you should come to us.
Do you need cash or are you moving? Very subtle, Tim.
I assume this has something to do with that appraiser who mistakenly stopped by your house.
Yes, it does.
We'd like to know what's going on with you.
Why didn't you just ask me in the first place? You know us, we're not the kind of couple that wants to pry.
I didn't want to mention it, I was afraid it would crimp the holiday, but since you brought it up I'm moving.
What? Why? It was a difficult decision.
I did a lot of soul-searching.
It's just something that I feel that I have to do.
I hope there's nothing wrong.
No, there's nothing wrong.
It's long been my dream to settle in the Mindo-Nambillo forest of western Ecuador.
Western Ecuador? We all have that dream.
But nobody runs off and does it.
What are you gonna do in Mindo-Nambillo? I'm gonna live in an enchanted forest, I'm gonna renew my spirit, fill my soul, and discover my true place in the universe.
Can't you just go for the weekend? It stinks.
Yeah, I think it's worse than before.
I mean Wilson moving.
That stinks too.
Sure does.
I can't stand that smell anymore.
I'm gonna get that rat.
I just can't believe that he's leaving.
Why would he pick up and go like that? He told you why.
He's going down to Kumbaya-Gumbah to rekindle his spirit and fillet his soul.
Well, I am really gonna miss him.
I'm really gonna miss him.
He's always been there whenever we needed him.
You can be honest with him and he never judges you.
I always felt like he was a member of the family.
I like him better than most of your family.
That thing must have slipped Oh, oh.
Oh, I got it.
Are you sure it's not another glove? No.
Here's a real smelly little rat.
Get the bag.
No way! You get the rat and I'll get the bag.
I'll get the bag.
Oh! OK, wait a minute.
Phew! Oh! What am I supposed to do with it? Well, either take it out and throw it out, or take it to school for show and smell.
I don't care.
Tim, come on! All right, I'll throw it out.
Put it in the can farthest away from the house.
Why don't I just give it to Wilson? He can take it to Jumbo-Mamambo with him.
It's Mindo-Nambillo.
I don't care.
I just don't wanna lose my best friend.
Who am I gonna talk to when things bother me? Oh, gee, let me think.
Hm? Who could you talk to? I can't talk to you about what bothers me.
Why not? 'Cause most of the time it's about you.
It's not gonna be the same without him.
I know.
He's been like a father to me.
I look up to him.
I just can't believe how close we've gotten.
Remember how weird we thought he was when we first moved in? How could I forget? He was hanging upside down from that tree imitating the mating call of a possum.
Remember how many horny possums showed up? Oh, what a beautiful tree.
That's a blue juniper.
I really like this house.
Don't you, Fred? I love it.
Let's make him an offer.
Not so fast, Francine.
(clears throat) Come on.
Level with me.
Is anything wrong with this place? No, no, no.
Nothing at all.
It's been a great house, with great neighbors.
Um, would you mind showing me the kitchen just one more time? No, no.
Not at all.
And is that stove in there gas or electric? It's wood.
It's wood.
Hey, there.
How are you doing? Couldn't help overhearing your conversation wtih Wilson.
Wait a minute.
Aren't you that guy who has that cable tool show on channel 122? Yeah.
On Saturdays, we simulcast in Spanish on 88.
You gonna buy Wilson's house? That depends.
Let me ask you something.
Is anything wrong with this place? No.
He takes real good care of it.
Let me ask you something.
Do you ever use the term, "hi-de-ho"? Yeah.
When it's off to work I go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Can you do a horny possum call? What are you? Some kind of pervert? No.
Do you own an African circumcision mask? No.
I rent.
Francine! Jill! Hi, there, Wilson.
Hi-ho, elevated neighbor.
So what are you doing? Patching the hole I think that rat got in.
What are you up to? While it's warm enough, I'm trying to patch up some cracks in my driveway, but the cement seems too lumpy.
My rule with cement - if it's got less lumps than Jill's gravy, it's probably all right.
I'll take a look at it for you.
Well, did Mr.
Happy and Mrs.
Go-Lucky make you an offer? No, but they seemed very interested.
You know, I read it's bad luck to take the first offer.
Where did you read that? Uh Superstitions in Real Estate.
It's a handbook I picked up.
That's really way too thick.
Give me your hose and I'll show you how to thin it out.
Oh, boy.
Well, I can see where my next repair comes from.
That's all right.
Just use my hose.
Turn it on before you wheel it over the fence.
It's a funny thing how we let things go when we're living in a place, then we decide to move and we fix it up for somebody else.
Somebody else.
Boy, it's gonna be hard living next-door to somebody else.
Tim, would you mind listening while I ruminate? No.
Go ahead.
Use the bush over by the gazebo.
No, I mean can I use you as a sounding board? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sound away.
You need a little bit more.
A little slack, little slack, little slack.
Tim, the last few days I've been thinking.
Do you remember a long time ago I told you and Jill that I'd once been married? Yes, I do.
And that my wife passed away before I moved in? You didn't say much else so we figured it was hard for you to talk about.
Well, it still is, Tim.
You know, we would have been married this month for 25 years.
You see, Tim, I met Kathryn in Mindo-Nambillo.
We fell in love and made a vow to return there on our silver wedding anniversary.
So that's why you wanna move back there? Yeah, in part.
You see, Tim, I feel like my memories of Kathryn are starting to fade.
And it's just like I'm losing her all over again, and I can't let that happen.
She sounds like she's real special, Wilson.
Yes, indeedy.
Kathryn was one of a kind.
She was the kindest, gentlest person you ever met.
How did you meet her? Well, it was one of those chance encounters in the forest.
Kathryn was a botany buff.
I had a flare for flying mammalia.
One night, in a clearing, our paths crossed while waiting for the night blooming orchids to be pollinated by the nocturnal bats.
That's pretty romantic stuff.
Oh, yes.
There were many breathtaking images in that forest under the moonlight, but they all pale next to Kathryn.
When you talk about her, doesn't it seem like she's here? Yeah, it does to me.
Boy, I don't know.
I guess it's been a long time since I spoke to anyone about her.
Wilson, I'm reminded of what one of the great thinkers of our time said.
Really? Who was that? Mario Andretti.
Just as he retired from racing, he told a group of people that you don't need the ignition in the car to keep the thrill of the race alive.
You just gotta keep in touch with your pit crew.
Well, that is very beautiful.
But how does it apply to me? Do I have to spell out everything for you? You don't need to move to keep the memory alive.
You just gotta share it with people that are here.
Like you? I might not understand every word, but I'm here and I listen.
You know, Tim, I think I know what you're saying.
I may take you up on that offer.
Really? Really.
So you're not gonna move to Bobo-Brazil? No.
No, I think I'm gonna stay right here.
All right.
That's real good news.
That's real good news.
'Cause if that other guy moved in, I'd have to fly to Jumbo-Jambalaya every weekend.
Actually, there are no direct flights there.
When I first met Kathryn, you had to take a mule from Latacunga.
I'm sorry I never met Kathryn.
Oh, you would have liked her, Tim.
You would have liked her.
We were like two dicotyledons in a Phaseolus.
What? Two peas in a pod.
Would you like to see a picture of Kathryn? I'd love to.
What else don't I know about you, Wilson? Were you ever a spy? Well, I could tell you, Tim, but then I'd have to kill you.
(Wilson blows through conch) Are you calling moose, Wilson? No, Jill, this is a conch shell.
They blow it in Hawaii to celebrate Thanksgiving.
Well, I have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
High on my list would be you deciding to stay.
Thank you.
It was Tim's advice that helped solve my problem.
So that score would be: Tim - one, Wilson - 10,000.
(Wilson chuckles) I never keep score.
I've got some leftovers.
You wanna come over for lunch? I'll make ELT sandwiches.
ELT? Eel, lettuce and tomato.
I'd love to, Wilson, but I've discovered that I'm allergic to eel.
I think Kathryn was too.
Either that or she didn't like it and was just being polite.
I think I would have had a lot in common with Kathryn.
I think you would have too.
You know, I started going through some things after I talked to Tim.
Would you like to see a wedding photograph? I'd love to.
(Jill laughs) Really high on my list would be that you decided to stay.
Well, thank you.
Actually, it was Jill's advice that helped me I've got some leftovers.
You wanna come for lunch tomorrow? I'll make some eel, lettuce Rat.
You're almost there.
Just two more words!
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