Home Improvement s05e13 Episode Script

Oh, Brother

- Tim, why is it always - Quiet.
Pretend like it didn't happen.
Welcome back to a new segment here on Tool Time - The Resourceful Tool Man.
Where we show you how a tool man can be resourceful.
And redundant.
Today the resourceful tool man goes to the kitchen.
Say you have a hankering for cheese and crackers.
But every knife is filthy.
Your wife's not there to wash them.
So what are you gonna do? You could clean one yourself.
Al, I'll do the jokes.
Or you could run upstairs to the bathroom and get some dental floss.
- Heidi, my dental floss, please.
- Here you are, Tim.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Use unwaxed for your softer cheeses.
- Waxed for your cheddars and Gouda.
Nobody cuts the cheese like Al.
OK, now, let's say your wife's a little ticked at ya because instead of fixing the stove, you blew it up.
She's saying, "What are we gonna do now? Poach the fish in what, you lunkhead? What am I gonna do?" "I have a 12-pound fish and it's all gonna go to waste.
" What? I don't do a woman's voice as well as you? No.
You do it a little too well.
The resourceful tool man doesn't need a working stove to make a delicious meal.
Exactly, Al.
All you need is heat and steam.
And what better way to use that than in the dishwasher? - Here's your fresh piece of salmon, Tim.
- Thank you, Heidi.
Aah! There's a piece of fish! I'm gonna season my fish with a little dill.
Fold the tinfoil, and set it on the top shelf in the dishwasher.
Making sure to hit the dry cycle.
And in 25 minutes, you have a perfectly poached fish.
We don't have to wait.
We have a fish in there.
When it's done, we'll pull it out.
There it is.
- You hungry, Al? - I'm famished.
All right! - Did you hit dry cycle? - Oh, I went with the pot scrubber.
Randy, the haircut is fine.
You're just a little over-moussed.
I need this out of my hair before someone sees me.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Randy! Great haircut.
Looks like Dad when he tried to soup up the toaster.
Brad, there is a perfectly fine haircut under there somewhere.
I'm gonna go shampoo and see if I can find it.
- How was school? - Great.
I can't wait for history class tomorrow.
Wow, it's nice to hear you talk like that! What are you studying? This new girl, Angela Lawson.
- I'm home.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Brad.
How's it going? Great.
I can't wait to go to school tomorrow.
- New girl? - Yup.
I got it.
It's for me.
Hello? Oh, hi, Uncle Marty.
Yeah, he's right here.
Try not to talk too long.
I'm expecting a really important phone call.
New girl.
Get a haircut, will you? Hey, Marty.
How's it going? Oh, no, Marty.
- What's wrong? - He lost his job.
That's too bad.
What'd the guy Dad, could you hurry? I have to call Angela.
- Your uncle just lost his job.
- I know.
I just thought Angela's the kind of girl I could share my grief with.
It doesn't work on the rinse cycle either.
- I got it.
- All right.
- Hey, Brad.
How're you doing? - Hi, Uncle Marty.
You were supposed to call after the interview.
I tried.
The phone's been busy for hours.
Brad, I asked you to stay off the phone, didn't I? It's not fair that you always assume it was me.
- Was it? - Yeah.
But it still isn't fair.
Hey, Marty, something to drink? Beer? Mug of fish? Um, beer.
- So, how'd the interview go? - Oh, it went great.
The guy and I hit it off.
Says I'm qualified.
I remind him of his nephew.
- You got the job? - No.
He hired the nephew.
- Pretty tough out there, isn't it? - Mm, you're telling me.
Come on.
Sit down.
I've had so many doors slammed in my face, I need a doorstop on my nose.
Well, Binford makes a nice one.
Speaking of that, I've been thinking about it.
We're building a new set for Tool Time.
and we could use help.
- You offering me a job? - It's nothing much.
- I'll take it! - Well, I'll need some references.
What? You're my reference.
- No wonder you haven't found any work.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, Marty.
How's the job hunt? - Oh, it's terrific.
- Yeah? - It's over.
- That's great.
What will you be doing? - I'm working for Tim.
Great! We haven't worked together since we were kids.
Remember that little stand? - What a great team we were! - A lemonade stand.
That's so cute.
- Right.
It was a lube and oil change stand.
- Of course.
- We were a great team back then.
- Yeah.
It was great.
Hey, I gotta go home and tell Nancy to stop crying.
- I'll see you later.
- Yeah.
- And thanks, man.
You're a lifesaver.
- Thank you.
- OK, bye.
- You can start tomorrow morning.
Hey, Al.
Plans for the new Tool Time set.
Take a look.
- Wow! We're dealing with more space.
- We're going modular.
- Our tools will be right at our fingertips.
- We've come a long way, my friend.
Remember when we were just two crazy young tool men with a dream? Actually, Al, it was one tool man and an extra stool.
You remember it your way, I'll remember it my way.
Come on, it's a great time for us.
Tool Time is taking off.
- My favorite brother's working for us.
- I envy you.
I've always dreamed of working with my brother, Cal, side by side.
Actually, that would be "wide by wide," wouldn't it? - Hey, guys.
- There he is now.
- All right.
Welcome aboard.
- Hey! Glad to be aboard, Al.
How're you doing? Sorry I'm late.
I couldn't find my parking space.
The reason for that is, Marty, you don't have a parking place.
Don't feel bad.
Neither do I.
I've been here six years.
- Six years.
Jeez, that's real fair, Tim.
- Well, it's a small parking lot, Marty.
Yeah, but you have a space.
Hey, I got an idea! - Why don't you alternate with Al? - That's a great idea! Marty, I didn't hire you as a parking lot consultant.
- You're here to help build the set.
- I know.
I'm excited no matter what my wife said.
Probably what my wife said - brothers shouldn't work together.
No, that brothers as immature as us shouldn't work together.
We'll show them, won't we? Why don't you drop your gear in the back, pick up an extra tool belt? - Morning, guys.
- Hey, Heidi.
- Hey, who parked in my space? - Heidi has a parking space?! - What do you want me to do next? - Help Al bring that wood over here.
We'll start on the interview desk.
- Hey, is that rosewood? - Honduran rosewood.
Isn't it great? Sure, if you don't mind pillaging the rain forest.
We're not pillaging the rain forest.
This wood was grown by farmers specifically for commercial use.
That's what they always say.
But did you check it out? Well, of course we did, Marty.
While you were eating your sandwich, Al and I drove down to Honduras.
- Pardon me for caring for the environment.
- Pardon me for getting the job done.
Sorry I'm slowing you up.
I'm expressing my opinion.
My opinion is keep your opinion to yourself.
- That's your opinion.
- Uh-huh.
- Guys, guys - Al, stay out of this.
You'll be parking in Honduras, OK? You're doing it again.
I hate it when you look over my shoulder.
I can't look under your shoulder.
I get that horrible armpit smell.
I can smell yours all across the room.
All right, what? What is it? What's the problem? - You're glopping, Marty.
- I'm not glopping.
- You're glopping.
- I am not.
I know how to paint.
- You're glopping right now.
- I am not.
It's fine.
They're fine.
Boys, boys, remember what you said? Brothers getting along, being mature? All right, I'm sorry I was criticizing you.
It's just when I notice somebody painting in a "glop-esque" manner that can result in peghole pluggage - Well, your point is well taken, Tim.
- Thank you.
However, one could also argue that peghole pluggage could easily be remedied with toothpick pokage.
Toothpick pokage? Go back over the job twice? You gotta I say we stop this arguing and we settle this with a group huggage.
Whoa! Here comes Brad with his new girlfriend.
Hello! Man! What's she doing with a guy like him? Guys, guys, get away from the window.
Stop spying on your brother.
Whoa, she is cute! - Mom - Wait, wait.
Act natural, they're coming.
Hey, everybody.
Everybody, this is Angela.
Randy, Mark and my mom.
- Well, hi.
It's nice to meet you.
- You, too.
I heard that you just moved to town.
How are you liking it so far? At first I didn't, 'cause, like, I didn't have friends.
But I started to make, like, friends.
Then I was, like, popular.
I love being really popular 'cause back home the only popular girls were the cheerleaders.
But I have really weak ankles.
It was such a drag because I would look so hot in that outfit.
And I'm a really good speller.
Does that answer your question? That and so much more.
- Let's start our homework.
- Good idea.
Let's start with History because that's the most boringest.
French is more boring, but not as boring as French History She's great, isn't she? Sure does talk a lot.
She says a lot because she's, like, really popular.
And you know how hard it is being real popular when you have, like, weak ankles.
Randy, stop it.
- Oh, hi, sweetie.
- Hi.
Well, how was your day with your favorite brother? Well, I guess it's a good time for the wife to say "I told you so.
" Oh, I don't want to take pleasure in the fact that I was right and you were wrong.
Why? If I were ever right, I would.
Well, then, I have nothing to worry about.
So, what did he do? He complained all day.
He took, like, six hours to chew his bologna sandwich.
He got Al hopped up about not having a parking space.
Well, that's bad.
Wait a minute.
Al doesn't have a parking space? Why is everyone so concerned about where Al parks? - What am I gonna do about Marty? - Well, you don't have much choice.
You'll have to figure out a way to make it work.
- Or I can fire him.
- You can't fire your own brother! I don't want another day like today.
No more yakking or complaining the rest of the night.
- Do you have soda? - Yeah.
It's in the fridge.
I can't have diet.
My mom believes artificial sweeteners are bad.
All you have is root beer which is, like, really gross.
Or apple juice which is, like, bad for your teeth unless you water it down.
So I'll just wait till I get home.
- Brad's new girlfriend? - Uh-huh.
- Wilson? - Well, hi-de-ho, neighbor.
- What are you doing? - Tim, I'm practicing hurling.
Try some of Jill's meat loaf, you'll become an expert.
No, Tim.
Hurling is an ancient Irish sport.
It's quite akin to field hockey.
Speaking of "kin," I hired my brother Marty to work at Tool Time.
and ever since he's been there he's been driving me crazy.
Mm, mm-hm.
Mm-hm, mm-hm.
He thinks I'm bossing him around.
I think he's just a pain in the butt.
- I might have to fire him.
- Hm.
I'm reminded of the story of Romulus and Remus.
Huh? Two brothers who were abandoned at birth and nursed by a she-wolf.
Sounds like the story of Al and Cal Borland.
Romulus and Remus were close until they decided to work together to build a city.
- Yeah? What happened? - Romulus wanted things his way.
Remus disagreed and that angered Romulus.
- So you know what he did? - I'd fire him! - No, he killed him.
- Oh, boy! Oh, boy.
I guess when you're raised by a wolf, you lack certain social skills.
No, Tim.
The point is if Romulus hadn't been so rash, and met his brother halfway, they might've been able to patch things up.
Oh, I see.
I should try to meet Marty halfway.
There you go.
Hold on a minute.
Oh! Love to sit and talk, but I've got an eight-pound sturgeon in the dishwasher.
Marty, it's early.
What are you doing here? There's something I want to talk to you about.
I know what it is.
You figure we should work things out.
- Or we'll turn into Romeo and Rolex.
- Huh? The two brothers that had the severe rash that built the halfway house? Look, Tim, it's obvious that we can't work together, so I'm quitting.
- You're quitting? - Yeah.
- You're impossible to work for.
- I'm impossible to work for? You're a control freak.
Everything's gotta be done on your schedule and your way.
Let's figure out why that is.
Let's think, you and I.
Why would that be? Why? Um, it's coming to me - My show.
I'm boss.
Maybe that's it? - Oh, right.
- Thanks, Tim.
It's been a million laughs.
- Marty, you can't afford to quit.
Oh, don't tell me what I can afford.
You're not the only brother I can turn to.
- If I have to, I'll borrow money from John.
- He's in worse shape than you.
- He'll get it from Jeff.
- Where's he gonna get it? - He'll get it from Rick.
- Where's Rick gonna get the money? From you.
How about this? "Wanted: bright, energetic, self-starter willing to work long hours and weekends for very little pay.
" I already got that job.
What about this one? I'm not gonna be a nude model.
- Hey, Harry.
Hi, guys.
- Hey, Tim.
- Hey, Tim.
- Hey, Marty.
What are you doing here? - What do you think I'm doing? - What you did when you worked for me - nothin'.
I don't have to listen to you.
I'm not working for you.
You don't have to because I'm not talking to you.
- Well, I wasn't talking to you first.
- Really? I wasn't talking to you "infinity and beyond.
" Hey, Tim! You should be ashamed of yourself.
- You "trow" your brother out? - I didn't "trow" him anywhere.
- He walked out.
- Yeah.
That's right.
I quit.
- Because Tim's a jerk to work for.
- Oh, I'm a jerk? This is why I make it a policy never to work with family.
That and the fact nobody in your family would hire ya.
If we gotta shop in the same store, we gotta mark our territories.
My zones - automotive, plumbing, power tools and small nuts and bolts.
Hey! How come you get all the good stuff? - Because I got the tool show.
- Oh, right.
I forgot.
"Tool Man.
" Ooh! - That's real funny, Marty.
- What does that leave me with? Brooms.
Oh, and plungers, too, Martin.
Aw, that's it.
Oh, a toilet float.
That's mature.
Hey! Hey! Guys! Guys! Guys! Hey, hey, hey! I'm trying to run a business here! You know, people come in here and buy things? Or at least they used to.
OK, OK, OK! If you two don't stop acting like babies, I'm gonna ask you both to leave.
- Leave? - You're throwing us out? I believe that was the gist of his drift.
No one's ever kicked me out of a hardware store before.
- Me neither.
- I've been kicked out of school, church - My own house.
- Girls' locker room.
Wow, we've been kicked out of a lot of places.
- Never a hardware store.
- I think this time we went too far.
I treat you like that at work 'cause I'm the boss.
- I got a job to do, you know? - Yeah, I know.
- I guess I was acting like kind of a butt.
- Kinda? All right.
I appreciate that you offered me the job.
I would just appreciate it even more if you never offered me another one.
I'd appreciate it if I slip up and do offer you a job, you won't take it.
- So, what are you gonna do? - I don't know.
I gotta find something.
How about construction? I got a buddy over at K&B Construction.
- They always look for people.
- That'd be great.
- I'll give him a call.
- Terrific.
- Let's go to Big Mike's.
Wanna beer? - Yeah.
All right.
See you, guys.
- See you, Tim.
- Later, Marty.
We gotta stop by the house real quick.
- Flounder? - Mackerel.
Welcome to the brand-new Tool Time set.
- We got a lot more tools.
- A lot more fire extinguishers.
- And we put in some built-ins.
- With everything a man loves.
The armed forces.
We've got Tim.
We've got Al.
When we were remodeling, two words came to mind.
Unpaid overtime? No, Al.
Modular design.
Heidi, show them the new Tool Time library Complete with all the fabulous classic works of tool history.
A Tale of Two Steam Shovels.
Stainless Steel Magnolias.
David Copper Pipe And behind that unit We've got an all-purpose paint center.
Heidi, why don't you show them what's behind door number two? - You got your power tools on one side.
- Yeah! And more power tools on the other side.
And here's the most exciting part of our new set.
- Our brand-new interview area.
- Heidi! We can interview guests in style.
Al, be my first guest.
All right.
Thank you, Tim.
Borland, it was tough getting you on the show due to your hectic work schedule.
Good one, Tim! We'll show a clip of Al's movie.
What was it like making love with Flipper? That was a great idea, huh? Let's show that clip right now.
Al! Al! Wait a minute! Get out! Get out! Al, get out! Heidi was generous enough to alternate her parking space with me.
That's right.
And it's never too soon to start alternating.
Stand by, on your mark - False start.
- False start.
OK? - And, Billy.
- On your mark, get set go.
- Got a winner? - We'll have to look at the replay.

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