Home Improvement s06e15 Episode Script

Totally Tool Time

- Good morning.
- Morning.
Is everyone as excited about today as I am? Oh, yeah.
I'm going to the dentist to get my teeth scraped.
Swedish guys are coming by Tool Time? Ja! And if they like what they see, they're gonna distribute the show throughout Europe.
You could be looking at the new international tool sensation.
Are you sure they'll understand Tool Time in Europe? Yeah, I mean, they barely understand it here.
Yeah? Let me give you two words to think about: Jerry Lewis.
Europeans like him 'cause he acts like a complete buffoon.
We're gonna be rich! Oh, you guys scoff.
This episode will blow those Swedes right out of their Volvos.
It's a whole salute to men: men and their hobbies, men's gadgets, a man's gym.
And what about the European women? What's in it for them? Same thing in it for the American women.
Al? If the show's a big hit in Europe, does that mean we finally get to go there? Yeah! We can go to England and visit the Aston Martin factory.
Italy, the Ferrari plant.
A romantic weekend in Stuttgart at the Porsche factory.
That's about as romantic as touring a sausage factory.
We can do that too.
On the way home, we'll swing by Poland.
Hey! Good morning, Tim.
Yeah, I'll I'll take that.
- Morning, Fred.
Ooh, boy! - Yeah.
- Are the Swedish guys here? - Uh, the Swedish guys.
- Any minute.
- You think? - You're the producer of the show? - Uh, yeah! Unless you know something.
It's 30 degrees out here.
Why are you sweating? Oh.
I'm sorry.
I'll try to stop.
Tim, your idea for today's show is one of your best.
Possibly the best ever.
Would it embarrass you if I used the word "genius"? Wait.
Your contract's up at the end of the month? This month.
Uh, yeah.
Can you put in a word for me with Binford? I'll put in two words: "kiss up.
" - Al.
- Hey, Tim.
Excited about the show? It's a big one.
Al Borland is gonna take Europe by storm! Uh Hey, Al.
You might want to remove the toilet paper from your shoe.
I'll get it.
Here, Al.
Let me help you.
I'll do it.
There we go.
Thank you, Fred.
Wilson, thank you very much for being a guest on today's show.
Oh, Tim, it's my pleasure.
You know, I have many relatives living in Sweden.
They're gonna be so thrilled to see me on TV.
Some of them have never seen my face.
I can't wait to surprise my Uncle Nielson Wilson.
Nielson Wilson? I know him! In Stockholm he's a barrel maker,ja? Excuse me, guys.
Excuse me? Hey! Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Bjorn "The Swede That's Gonna Buy My Show" Larson.
Uh, Wayne, Wayne.
Come on in for a minute.
This is one of the men coming to look at the show.
Take him around.
Give him anything he wants.
Keep him away from my bagels.
- Fred, Fred, wait! - Yeah? What's up, boss? - Uh, I have not seen the Andrettis yet.
- Uh - They're on the show, right? - Uh, no.
They had to cancel because they have the flu.
How long have you known? What's the longest I could know without getting in trouble? We're supposed to have celebrities.
The Andrettis.
You promised.
I'm sorry.
I feel awful about this.
Fred, Fred.
Um um um um, isn't Paul Newman in town on a charity thing? - You know Paul Newman? - You're supposed to know Paul Newman! Sorry.
You're right.
Don't worry.
Listen, I got a lot of great ideas for backup guests.
Oh! Hey! You know who would be great? Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- Yes! You know him? - No, but he'd be great.
- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo! Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Well, we have a very big show for you today.
- Yes, we do.
- We're doing our annual salute to men.
We're guys with flies.
We like our beer out of a bottle.
Our chili out of a can! But there's nothing we like better than smoked Swedish salmon with a little juniper on there, huh? Or is it called "yuniper?" As Tim said, we have a big show for you today.
But we're gonna start off simple by showing you how to build these walnut valets.
Walnut valets? Someone to park your nuts? You park your pants right here.
And you hang the coat right there.
And it's all ready for you in the morning.
What's ready for us now is our side rails and our dowels.
That's right.
I'm gonna start off by shaping our shoulder bar with the scroll saw.
After Al's done with that, we'll be shaping that shoulder bar in this steamer box.
Get it into the right shape for us for our final preparations.
Now, notice my wide, rounded curves.
We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.
Welcome back to Tool Time.
Al's shoulder piece is not quite ready in the steamer.
But the clams are close.
Mmm-mm-mm! Ooh, it's hot in there! Now it's time to move on to a segment of the show we call Man at His Leisure.
Today we're gonna show you an outdoor leisure activity that's recently been brought inside: rock climbing.
And to tell us more about it is expert rock climber, Wilson Wilson, Junior.
Hidy-ho, neighbor! - Thanks for dropping in.
- Mm-hm.
Pretty complicated looking equipment.
- Am I gonna get to try this? - Yes, indeedy, Tim.
Now, what I'm going to do is to take this rope which is attached to your harness by means of a device we call the carabiner.
They use these things in sailing.
Out there they gotta watch out for the Pirates of the Carabiner.
Now, Tim, as you climb, make sure your hands and your toes are securely on your holes.
And propel yourself upwards by using your legs thusly.
OK, now I'm gonna take up the slack here, Tim.
Now, I have got you.
Nothing can happen.
- All right.
Ready? - Yeah.
Climb on.
While Tim's climbing, tell us something about your rock-climbing experiences.
Well, one of my favorites was when I was a ranger working on Mount Rushmore and I was attempting to climb Abraham Lincoln's upper lip.
Well, I faltered.
But, luckily, I was able to save myself by gaining a toehold on his wart.
Boy, this is a lot of fun, Wilson! Can I get a little more rope? Well, Tim, you don't want to go too far off to the side.
You don't want to get above your anchor.
Al's right, Tim.
Should you let go Let go? We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.
Ouch! What happened out there? I almost killed myself.
- What was that camera doing? - Taping the show.
I had nothing to do with it.
Nice to have a producer who has "nothing to do with the show.
" God, what a guy! Why are you laughing? The Swedes aren't finding this amusing.
We're dying.
Don't worry.
The Swedes are gonna love Gadget Corner.
Yeah? If they don't, I'm blaming you.
As you should, my friend.
As you should.
- Hi.
- Hey, Warren, Warren, Warren.
- What? - You build that gadget? - It's not gonna work.
- Did you build it to my specifications? That's why I'm sure it's not gonna work.
Here's another gadget for the travelin' man.
A satellite dish in a suitcase.
Wow! It's got the little satellite phone over there, satellite dish.
You know, Al's mom has a satellite chafing dish.
Well, what else do you have to show us, June? This is a golf club drink dispenser.
Great for bringing along my favorite drink: golf club soda.
But be sure you have a designated driver.
You know, I hate to wedge myself between you two, but, uh, tell us about this little stocking stuffer.
This is an automatic waffle maker.
It releases the batter onto this griddle and sends the waffles down the conveyor belt where they come out right here golden brown.
That's great, because I have designed a high-powered syrup dispenser to go along with this.
Heidi, my Waffle Buddy, please.
Oh, no.
Tim's made his own gadget.
Code red.
This is what we trained for, people.
All right.
This is CO2-powered, Yeah.
Put the fire department and the paramedics on hold.
Now, watch this thing.
All you do It dispenses butter, syrup and, for our Swedish friends, lingonberry jam at the touch of a button.
Just press here.
There seems to be a little jam in my jam.
Shake it a little bit - I got it working now.
- Yes, it is! Tim! Oh, no.
Guys, we're back in 15.
Stand by.
Fred, we're losing these Swedes.
The celebrity has to go through the roof.
Get somebody? - I got somebody great.
- Big name? - It's a long name.
- What? Stand by.
Here's his bio.
He's kind of an unsung hero.
- Here we go.
- Gotta go.
- Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred! - Five, four, three Ha-ha.
Welcome back to Tool Time.
Every now and then we have a segment we call The Unsung Hero.
Well, today's guest is just that.
His name is Seymour Wonderfleffin.
And, uh So, Seymour Let's give a big Tool Time welcome for Sy! - Uh, welcome to the show, Sy.
- Pleasure to be here, Tim.
Sy works at, um the Department of Animal Control.
So, are you the top dog? The fat cat? No, I'm just a regular guy who scrapes dead animals off the highway.
Well, uh, why don't you tell us a little bit about what you do? A very little bit.
Well, I get up about 7 am and drive around and, uh, pick up dead animals with a shovel.
But at the Department of Animal Control, there must be some neat equipment, - a special shovel you use? - No, no, no.
Just a shovel.
Found it by the side of the road last year.
Before that, I didn't even have a shovel.
What would be a really good day for you on a job like this? Well, uh, one time I had an eight-possum Thursday.
Well, how could you beat a day like that, huh? Didn't think I could.
One Tuesday, the good Lord blessed me with 12 raccoons and a skunk.
We we were hoping to have Paul Newman on the show today.
Paul Newman? Cool Hand Luke, man! In that movie he had a great shovel.
You don't get out a lot, do you, Sy? - Well, uh, do you have any hobbies? - Hobbies, yeah.
Well, I like to paint.
Paint? What do you like to paint, Sy? Uh, still life.
All right, Sy.
Well, if you think scraping dead animals off the road is a workout, wait till you see our next segment.
We'll be back.
- Fred? - Mm-hm? Mm-hm? - You can read, can't you? - Yeah Fred, this show is a disaster.
Those Swedes are probably on a plane back to Lingonberry Land now.
No, they're still here.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Any indication they enjoy the show? Well, I think it's a fair assessment that, um - High probability - Fred? They're still here.
Let's just hang onto that.
Keep them in the building.
If anything'll bring them around, - it'll be the segment on the Man's Gym.
- Man's Gym.
Hey! Thanks for having me on your show.
I brought you a present.
- Hey, Fred! - Yeah? - Had your lunch? - Oh, hey.
Hey, thanks! Hi.
Welcome back.
We've talked about a man's work.
Now it's time to talk about a man's workout.
Welcome to the Binford 6100 Man's Gym! All right.
Let's start out here at the multi-purpose workout center.
It's where you get your bi's, tri's and thighs up to size.
This unit has features you'll only find in the Man's Gym.
Tired of sitting on a hard bench, you just press "number one.
" It's so cozy, I could snooze right now.
You may be wondering if you're gonna take a snooze, how do you exercise? Just press "automatic" and the machine does the workout for you.
Now, if the machine's doing all the work, how do you work up a sweat? Easy.
We got sweat in this one.
We got cold beer over here.
That would be the sweat! All right, moving on All right, who hasn't been in the middle of a workout - when nature comes a-callin'? - In the Man's Gym In the Man's Gym, you don't have to drop your workout to drop your drawers.
Just row as you go.
No need to lift the seat in the Man's Gym, I'll tell you that right now.
- How about a little refreshment, Al? - Let's go to the bars.
The Man's Health Bar.
Two Man's Gym Specials, Milt.
Here's to your health.
Nothing healthier than Swedish vodka.
Unless, of course, it's a Swedish massage.
How about a little back rub, Milt? I don't go for that sort of thing! But Helga does.
Oh Oh, I love my job.
Well, it's time for a different sort of cardiovascular exercise.
Uh, by the way, this happens to be the Man's Steam Room.
There's a draft! Close the door! Well, nothing gets the heart pumping faster than the Man's Exercise Bike.
In the Man's Gym, we don't use an ordinary exercise bike.
We use one of these.
That's right.
This can be set to many different levels.
Beginning rider, expert rider And if you're tired of pedaling altogether, we got Easy Rider.
- Good show.
Good night.
- Yeah.
Good show, guys.
Hey, Tim! Tim, the Man's Gym sequence was incredible.
I have chills.
Fred is right.
I think that the rowing-machine toilet made a big splash with the Swedes! Not sure anything made up for the lingonberry accident and the Animal Control guy.
I'm sorry Oh, listen.
Here come the Swedes.
They must've made their decision.
All I want to say is no matter what happens, the most important thing is is that we stick together.
Please?! Gentlemen, after much thought and many changes of clothes, we have decided - to buy Tool Time.
- Yes! - All right! - Thank you very much.
So was it the Man's Gym that put you over the top? Oh, no.
We liked the whole show.
In Sweden, we love slapstick comedy.
You are the next Jerry Lewis.
"Hey, Dean!" Guys, that calls for a celebration.
I tell you what.
We work awful darn hard on this show Hey, guys.
I got the mail.
There's a package from Sweden.
You know what that means? You won the Nobel Prize again? Got my first Tool Time show dubbed in Swedish.
- And our first check.
- Oh.
Cool! How much did they pay you? Well, if it's any of your business, which it's not, it's 1,500 kroners.
Wow! How much is that in American money? $22.
That's it? Wait until the money starts rolling in from Lapland.
You know, I never understood that joke till I heard it in Swedish.
This is so weird.
It doesn't sound anything like you.
That sounds like you.
Yee-ha! Sailor Seymour Wonderfleffin.
But, uh, working at the Department of Animal Control, you have a special-handled hammer with a lot of attachments.
- Hammer? - No.
I have a shovel, Tim.
I could hear that from here.
A shovel! - Actually, I use a shovel.
- Not a hammer.
I tried hammering 'em off the road for a while.
But it just didn't work.
You work at Department of Animal Control.
So, you probably have a special-handled, uh um um - Shovel, Tim.
- Shovel.
- Handled hammer.
- I dare to use a shovel.

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