Home Improvement s06e16 Episode Script

A Funny Valentine

- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo! Ah! Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, everyone.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
You know my assistant, Al Borland.
Well, welcome to remodeling week here on Tool Time.
Today we're gonna show you space-saving items around the home, like this clever little clap rack.
All right, let's start over here at the kitchen counter.
No better way to save space than utilize it well.
Under-counter recycling bins.
And this narrow area is a great place for a dispenser for aluminum, wax paper and plastic wrap.
- And what about my special drawer? - What is so special about this drawer? It's a drawer you can put stuff you can't find any other place for.
Like buttons and pins that don't work, string, thimbles, you know, navel lint, rakes, brooms, skis, poles There's even room for you in there, Al.
I don't think so, Tim.
All right.
Now, this is a nifty idea.
This is a cooling unit in a drawer.
Great for fruits and vegetables, close to the cutting board.
As well as your wine, your beer, your vodka.
And that extra liver you're going to need for the transplant.
Now, if you need some extra space in the utility room, this unit is a washerldryer all in one.
Oh! Finished your laundry, Al.
Oh, gosh darn it, I must've shrunk 'em.
All right.
Now, over to the family unit here.
Now, you can't possibly tell me these are called briefs.
How many flannels you have to kill to get underwear this size? Well, this beautiful piece of furniture can fit under a windowsill, and it can house an entire entertainment system.
In Al's apartment, this is where he hides his square-dance caller.
It opens through the lid here, and a motorized unit brings the TV up to eye level.
But the standard motor is just a bit sluggish.
- So I - Oh, you didn't soup up a TV counter? That way it'll just pop up quicker.
- Great show today, Tim.
- Thanks, Al.
Aw, you didn't need to get me a gift, Al.
I didn't.
This is llene's Valentine present.
We've been busy planning the wedding, I almost forgot to buy something.
Ah! One thing The Tool Man never forgets is to buy the wife a Valentine's Day present.
Yeah, but you usually end up doing it late and buying Jill a box of waxy chocolates from the gas station.
Oh, how little you know, my funny little "Alentine.
" I bought Jill's gift this year in July.
So they'll be waxy and stale? I didn't get chocolates.
Found something I knew she'd love, bought it on the spot because I knew I would forget.
Yeah? What did you get her? I don't remember.
You don't remember what you bought? I will when I get it out from where I hid it.
- Yeah? Where'd you hide it? - I don't remember.
Hey, Tim, you got a call while we were on the air.
- Yeah? - Uh-huh.
Excuse me.
A woman named Liddy Talbot wants to see me, says it's important.
Who's Liddy Talbot? I went to high school with a Talbot.
Says she's in town for three days singing at the Hotel Shipman.
Wow! She looks you up after 25 years? What do you think she wants? - I don't know.
- You know, last year a guy called me out of the blue from high school.
Seems he's had a crush on me this whole time.
Was his name Liddy Talbot? Ooh, maybe Liddy's had a crush on you all these years.
- She did say it was personal.
- Ooh! Maybe she's just left her husband and wants to seduce you - with her feminine wiles.
- Yeah.
Maybe you should cancel that subscription to Cosmo.
I'm going crazy.
I don't know what to get Lauren for Valentine's Day.
I know what I want to give Angela.
Wow! The new Ferrari 456.
Not a bad price: $200,000.
That includes floor mats.
Guys! Guys! Did you find my Valentine's Day present for mom? No.
It's kind of tough to get motivated for a $2 reward.
- Valentine's Day is not about money.
- Obviously not.
Five bucks.
Ten bucks.
Forty bucks.
Now, go find her Valentine's Day present, all right? - Valentine's Day present? - No.
- What did you get me? - I can't tell you.
Believe me, I can't tell you.
How was your day? Oh, pretty gosh darn weird.
Got a phone message from a girl I think I used to know in high school.
And she told Heidi that it was a personal matter.
Ooh! Why is everyone doing that? "Ooh!" Well, let's see.
She calls you out of the blue after 25 years.
- Mm-hm.
- She probably just got divorced, kids are grown, she's feeling a little lonely.
And she's thinking "Maybe I should've just settled for Tim after all.
" I like Al's answer better.
Tell me some more about her.
What was her name? - Liddy Talbot.
- Liddy Talbot.
Was she blonde, blue-eyed? Really Bad arthritis? I don't even remember her.
Well, let's look her up in the yearbook.
You know, I'm thinking she probably works for a big tool company, you know? One of those women that sells arc welders.
Tim, have you ever known a woman who sold arc welders? No, but a guy can dream, can't he? R S T Talbot.
Probably some mousy girl with an overbite and thick glasses.
Hello! She's beautiful! I remember her.
She was really hot.
Look what it says.
"Tim, I'll never forget you.
" Woo-hoo-hoo! Maybe she does have some sort of crush on me.
I don't ever remember talking to her.
She was in none of my classes.
Maybe you were in some of the same clubs.
Let's see.
Honor Society, Philosophy Club, Latin Scholars I don't think so.
Anything about being in the Future Transmission Workers of America? Not according to this.
Well, I don't think I'm comfortable going to see her.
Well, you have to go see her.
You have to find out what she wants.
Yeah? Well, what if what she wants is to take me away from you? Have her make an offer.
I'll take the weekend to think it over.
Mmmm Perfect Manhattan.
Pretty big guitar for such a little guy.
It's not a guitar.
And if I'm a guy, I'm paying way too much for shoes.
- Sorry.
Let me give you a hand.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, boy! So, you're with the band? Uh, yeah.
What gave it away? - I'm here to see Liddy Talbot.
- Oh, me too.
- I'm the replacement bass player.
- What happened to the first one? - Hernia.
- Oh! Let me get you a drink.
What's your poison? Middle-aged drummers.
But I'll take a ginger ale.
- OK.
A ginger ale for? - Tina.
- Tina.
Tim Taylor.
- How're you doing? - Thank you.
- Good.
- Why are you waitin' for Liddy? - Um, we went to high school together.
Haven't seen her in 25 years, and all of a sudden she gets a hold of me.
Ooh! Wait a minute.
That must be her.
I'll give her the bad news I'm happily married and then she's all yours.
Liddy Talbot, you look great.
I'd know you anywhere.
Well, almost anywhere.
I'm Liddy Talbot.
Liddy Talbot, of course.
You look great.
You were one of the earlier birthdays in the class.
I'm 25 years older than you are.
Ah, they held you back.
Tim, you went to school with my daughter Elizabeth.
Ah! But you're the one with the crush on me? How many drinks have you had? Not enough.
Another Manhattan, bartender! Make that two.
Come on, Tim.
Sit down.
Now, the reason I looked you up was because I was a friend of your father's.
Oh! Oh, great! It's always nice to meet people that knew Dad.
Well, I knew him very well.
We used to go together.
Before he met my mom? Oh, yes.
And we kind of kept in touch afterwards too.
After he was married? That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
What's really to talk about? Tim, your father changed my life - in a very profound way.
- No kidding.
Well, you know speaking of profound changes, this lobby, they changed it.
It used to be a nautical theme.
- This hotel's got - About your father? - Enough with my father! It's just - I asked you here so I could talk.
Let's talk.
What about your daughter? What is she doing? Liz, we used to call her.
She was the secretaryltreasurer of the Latin Club.
I speak a little "atin-Lay" myself.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, I hate to interrupt high school sweethearts.
But I'm your bass player, and we're on in ten minutes.
- I'll get the play list.
- Thank you.
Tim, please stick around.
I really want to tell you all about this.
- What are we opening with? - Once I Had a Secret Love.
If it were up to me, you should keep it a secret.
Well, I just got 40 bucks richer.
I found Dad's gift for Mom.
- Ooh, what is it? - It's a locket with a picture of Brad? What are you doing? That's my Valentine's gift for Angela! If we put a picture of Mom in there and tell Dad it's his gift, we can split the 40 bucks.
- What happens to me and Angela? - Not our problem.
Hey, guys! Anybody find Mom's Valentine's gift? Well, we would have if Brad wasn't so selfish.
Oh, you're back soon.
I'm dying to know.
How'd it go? - Please don't ask.
- Too late.
You have to tell me everything.
Is she still cute? Does she still want you? Jill, Liddy Talbot had an affair with my father.
Your father had an affair with a high-school girl? No! No! Liddy Talbot is Elizabeth Talbot's mother.
That's why she looked you up, to tell you she had an affair with your father? She didn't come right out and say it.
But I'm not an idiot.
All the key words were there.
They used to "go together.
" After he was married, they used to keep in "touch.
" This is so shocking! Your father had an affair that nobody knew about? I can't believe it.
It's like something out of a romance novel.
Where do you think they had these secret little trysts? You know, Jill, I didn't think to ask.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What if Liddy and your father had a love child?! Would you stop it! You were saying how hot Elizabeth was.
What if she's your sister? Now I want to vomit! What if you had married her instead of me? Would you let this go? What if you and your half-sister had had children? Well, then I would be the best father and uncle to those kids possible.
- Hi-ho, neighbor.
- Hi, Wilson.
Using a metal detector at night in the middle of winter You know, Tim, I'd be glad to help out if you're having a cash flow problem.
It's not about that.
I hid Jill's Valentine's present.
I can't find it anywhere in the house, so I thought maybe I buried it out here.
What'd you get her? A bone? So how did the meeting go with your alluring school chum? It was actually a meeting with my school chum's mum.
Apparently, she and my father were very good friends.
She was about to tell me they had an affair and I just ran away.
Well, I could see how painful it would be for you to hear something like that.
I know how much you idolized your dad.
I spent my whole life trying to be like him.
Well, Tim, there's nothing wrong with modeling your life after someone.
But it is dangerous to try to live up to an ideal that can't possibly exist.
What are you saying? I think it's important you think of your father as a human being with flaws like everybody else.
You know, I'm reminded of the English statesman, Oliver Cromwell, who told an artist, "I want my picture painted, warts and all.
" My dad didn't have any warts.
He just had a big scar on his neck where I shot him with a staple gun.
If you don't find out the truth about your father, you may spend your life wondering who he was.
Maybe I should go back down to that hotel.
Ah! Sounds like you found Jill's present.
This is just an area I bury stuff I blow up so Jill won't find them.
That's a curling iron there.
Crock pot.
# Your looks are laughable # Un-photographable # Yet you're my favorite work of art Tina, shouldn't you be up playing with the band? Yeah.
I had to take a break.
It's the drummer.
I want him.
And who wouldn't? # Each day is Valentine's # Day # Now, ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy the instrumental stylings of the wonderful Hotel Shipman trio.
Tina? I just hope I can make it through this without jumping him.
I'm so glad you came back, Tim.
Well, Liddy, I did some thinking about what you were trying to tell me.
What I wouldn't let you.
And I I think it's time I heard the whole story.
Um, would you like a drink? - Oh, sure.
Scotch and soda.
- Scotch and soda.
You know, when I saw you last night, I just couldn't get over how much you resembled your father.
- Really? - He was really a very special guy.
Yeah, he was, which is why Which is why this is so difficult.
It's very, very tough for me Could you put a lid on that for a minute? Guys, take a break.
Well, it's tough after so much time to find out after my father was married - that he, you know - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Your father adored your mother.
He wouldn't even think of having an affair.
An affair?! No way! No! No! Not my dad! No! Drinks for everybody, huh? Except for these two.
Mel, you're a married man.
Tim, just sit down and let me tell you why I looked you up, please.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What? Well, while I was dating your father, I broke up with him for a drummer.
Drummers, they're bad news.
So it would seem.
Well, after we had Liz, he just took off.
Left me broke, stranded.
Your father, bless his heart, gave me money so I could buy a piano and start giving lessons.
Wow! So he loaned you money to help you out.
And by the time I was able to repay him, he'd died.
So then I saw you on TV yesterday, and I realized this was my chance to settle up.
This was a long time ago.
It was between you and him.
- Oh, no.
- I can't take your money.
Tim! Tim! It's very important to me.
Well, you know, what's funny is that my mom is moving back in town.
Dad wanted her to have a china hutch.
And maybe that's what I'll use this for.
That's a great idea.
Um, buy it, don't build it.
I saw yesterday's Tool Time.
Well, gotta get back to work.
I'm very happy I got to meet you.
Me too.
Oh, do you have any requests? Um uh Um do you know Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees? You've inherited your father's taste in music.
Tina? Mel? Got a minute? # Here we come Walking down the street # We get the funniest looks # From everyone we meet # Hey, hey, we're the Monkees People say we monkey around # But we're too busy singing # To put anybody down # We're just trying to be # Well, my Valentine's present was a big hit with llene.
Is she gonna wear that flannel nightie on your honeymoon? Wouldn't you like to know? No.
Just being polite, Al.
- Did you ever find Jill's present? - No, I didn't.
I had to get her a chocolate tanker truck from the Exxon station.
- Guys, we're on.
- All right.
Welcome back to remodeling week here on Tool Time.
Next, we're going to strip the paint off this beautiful old Irish cupboard.
And, of course, we'll be using Binford paint stripper.
Remember, it's very caustic so you'll want to use goggles and gloves.
That's right, Al.
One thing I like about this particular piece, it's got a real nifty hidden drawer in here.
You picked this up when you were up in Petoskey, right? Yeah.
Last July during the Oh, look at this.
It's a beautiful hand-painted box.
It's a one-of-a-kind antique jewelry box I bought for Valentine's Day for my wife, and I hid it and couldn't find it.
I think she's going to be very happy with this.
Can I? Watch out! Don't have to worry about her finding it now.
Well, but on the upside, it's got a real nice grain to it.

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