Home Improvement s06e17 Episode Script

Wilson's World

We'd like to welcome you back to Men's Cooking Week.
And apologize for the hasty end to our flamb‚ demonstration.
Never soak your peaches in jet fuel.
- Who would have thought? - Obviously not you.
Everyone knows the most important words in the kitchen for a real man are "can opener.
" On the contrary, I often enjoy cooking an elaborate home-cooked meal.
It's no surprise to find out the real man does just the opposite.
It might be a surprise to find out there's innovative chefs in Michigan coming up with very creative combinations of food.
For example, this taste-tempting beverage is a combination of two well-known ingredients.
It's called "Broccoloupe.
" All right, let me guess.
Broccoli and antelope.
This can actually graze on itself, which is interesting.
This is broccoli and cantaloupe.
And it's mm-mm good.
While this is working its way through Al's system, let me tell you about the company that makes this drink that combines fruit and vegetables called Vruit.
They get my "vrote.
" Now we'd like you to meet one of the innovators in Michigan food industry.
He's been combining unusual foods for years.
Give a warm welcome to Ray Pleva.
- Ray, welcome aboard.
- Tim.
OK, well, we're gonna see what's the latest invention - from the Ray Pleva kitchen.
- Something really unique.
It's a hamburger, Ray.
What else did you invent down there? Rock and roll? Shoes? Clouds? No.
Just this.
Well, actually, Tim, this isn't a regular hamburger.
Ray has mixed his beef with one of Michigan's finest resources.
Motor oil? No, cherries.
Cherries and beef.
You know, I have a lot of creative cooking ideas myself.
I bet I could combine some unusual foods into a tasty treat.
I bet you I could come up with kookier combinations.
Well, it might be kookier, but it wouldn't be edible.
Yeah? What do you say we hone our recipes over a week and have a showdown right here on Tool Time? How does that sound to everybody? Well, I I have to remind you, Tim, that I am a classically trained chef.
You don't need to be trained.
It's putting ingredients together.
Any idiot could do that.
Thanks a lot! Well, I wasn't talking about your hamburgers.
We haven't taken a bite.
Let's try it out.
Dig in.
- Mm.
- Mm! Fruity, yet beefy.
Just like Al.
- Hi.
- Well, hidy-ho, neighborette.
Come in.
To what do I owe this delightful visit? I'm an idiot.
I forgot to buy salt.
I need to borrow some for my chicken.
Oh, and Tim needs some squid.
Oh, it's for his cooking contest thing.
Oh, oh, oh.
Well, I never keep salt in the house.
But I got squid coming out my ears.
Wilson, I don't mean to get personal or anything, but why are you wearing that? Well, I know it's a tad unusual, Jill.
But I just love the feel of a nice terry cloth.
- Oh! The helmet! - Yeah.
This is a prop I'll be using for my upcoming show at Wayne State University.
Really? You're performing? Yes, I am, for the annual arts festival this Friday.
I'll be performing at the campus coffeehouse.
I'm gonna be doing a monologue on my life.
This is so perfect.
I mean, your life has been so interesting.
Now everybody else gets to hear about it.
Well, it's a little bit scary, but I'm gonna bare my soul.
I'm gonna start off with my tale of a jousting injury in Scotland.
I'm gonna segueway into the summer I spent observing the mating habits of the mountain gorillas.
- Cocoa and Herman.
- Mm-hm.
Nine-and-a-half weeks of monkey love.
Jill, would you and your family like to attend? The most talented artists in Detroit are gonna be there.
Well, of course.
We'd love to come.
Oh, you gotta remember to tell them about when you played craps with Gandhi.
Oh, what a night.
The Mahatma lost his shirt.
Well, here's your squid.
Tell Tim if he wants really fresh ones, I got them upstairs in the tub.
Watch your wallets.
Do you have reservations? Lots of them.
But my wife made me come anyway.
It's under Taylor.
- Oh.
- Come on, guys.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Mom, these people look kind of weird.
Well, they may look a little odd, but deep down, - they're no different than you and me.
- Excuse me.
Are you interested in helping to overthrow regimes in the Third World? I'm eleven.
Attention, everyone.
The Campus Cafe Arts Festival will now begin with our hostess, Elzina Harris, who will inspire us with her life-affirming poetry.
Die! Die! Go on, die! You first.
And now the country folk stylings of Rambling Andy Koplowitz.
# When it's peach-picking time in Georgia # It's apple-picking time in Tennessee # It's cotton-picking time in Mississippi # And everybody picks on me # Why do you suppose that is, Andy? Sounds like Dad when he gets hit in the groin.
What are they doing? It's supposed to symbolize trying to get out of the womb.
You back off or I'll break your water! And now an insightful monologue from an exciting newcomer.
I met him here when I took his class on Celtic mythology.
Give it up for Wilson.
Good evening.
My name is Wilson.
And I've been told I've led an unusual life.
Tonight I'd like to share my journey.
So, come along, won't you? The year is 1962.
The place, the misty moors of Scotland.
This is good.
Now, he is just a natural.
Well, anything beats a dancing bag.
I had been living with the Mara Masai tribe for six months.
But I had been unable to engage their aged chief in conversation.
I had all but given up hope, until suddenly I was summoned to his death bed, where he whispered in my ear the words I'll never forget.
Which, roughly translated, meant "Hidy-ho, neighbor.
" So that's where he got it.
And then we did the dance of death because the chief had died.
I think we know what killed him.
Oh, yuck! It stinks.
What disgusting concoction have you come up with now? I reheated the pancakes you made yesterday.
They smell because you've had them in the fridge next to weird foods you're making for the contest.
Oh, my God! What is that? It's chicken with banana drumsticks.
Hi, guys.
The paper came and they reviewed last night's show.
Oh, good.
Let me see it.
"The Performing Arts Festival opens at the Campus Cafe.
Who couldn't help but love Elzina Harris's poem, Die, Die, Die?" I! I! I! I can't believe he liked that.
Oh, wait till you hear what he says about the bag dancers.
"The best fabric choreography I've seen anywhere, bar none.
The only low point of the evening was the meaningless meandering of a pompous performance artist named Wilson.
" What? "These were obviously the words of a man completely out of touch with reality.
One wonders if Wilson has ever stepped off his mountain top to go to a movie, a convenience store or a sporting event.
If he wants to illuminate the human experience, he should try living it like the rest of us.
" He's gonna be devastated.
Let me see that.
This critic doesn't know anything.
This guy panned Tool Time.
He said I was juvenile.
Boy, smells good! What are you cooking? Bison sausage? Yakwurst? No, no, no, Tim.
Just good old American sausage.
My strange food days are over.
And mine have just begun.
You've had practice living the human experience.
Me, I've gotta get down off my mountain top and join the real world.
You read that stupid review, didn't you? No, Tim.
The critic was right.
I've lost all touch with what normal people do.
See, Tim, I've gotta go to monster truck rallies, buy fast food from the clown.
Tim, I want to learn how to crush a beer can on my head.
That's not stuff you want to do.
That sounds like stuff I want to do.
Well, I've decided that being a little bit more like you wouldn't hurt.
- How do you feel now? - I hurt.
Hi, honey.
How was your day? How was my day? You want to know how my day was? Not now.
I couldn't get any work done because Wilson came over.
He said that he wants to be like everybody else.
So he spent the whole day glued to our TV set.
Did he watch Tool Time? No, I said he wants to be like everyone else.
He's just like a completely different person.
Don't worry about it.
He's spent his life studying other cultures.
Now he's just taking time to study ours.
Well, I hate him like this.
I mean, Wilson used to be so evolved and sensitive.
Now he's just turning into you.
Oh, my God! That's the biggest bag of pork rinds I ever saw.
I love pork rinds.
Hey, guys! What are you doing with that stuff? Attention, Value Club shoppers.
I have just discovered the joy of buying in bulk.
Wilson practically bought out the entire store.
He bought a gross of toilet paper.
Ah! And I brought you some.
Oh, that's three-ply.
We couldn't possibly accept that.
Well, I insist.
I never realized how much easier it is to buy toilet paper than make it.
But you love making toilet paper.
But who has the time when there's so much TV to watch? - Wilson just bought a Montesushi 700.
- That's right.
With cone filter, PIP, surround sound and splendovision.
Oh, I love splendovision! Yeah, I'm gonna go set it up right now.
Thanks for hangin' with me, boys.
Oh, speaking of which, Tim, would you like to come over to my house tomorrow night and hang? I'm having the guys over to watch a basketball game.
What guys? You got guys? Well, actually, they're your guys.
Benny and Harry, 8:00.
Be there or be square.
Well, Tim, I think we've lost the old Wilson forever.
We might have lost the old.
But the new Wilson gave me enough toilet paper to last for the rest of the afternoon.
- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! Right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Woo-hoo! Thank you, everybody.
What a nice crowd you are.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And, of course, you all know my side dish, Al Borland.
Thank you.
Well, we are happy as a bunch of clams, pleased as punch to welcome you to Tool Time's first Creative Cook-off.
Let's have a warm welcome to our impartial judge, Benny Baroni.
Well, are you ready to judge our creative concoctions? Yes, Al.
I just cleansed my palate with a light sherbet.
Well, the scoring will range from one to ten, ten being a great dish.
And one for anything that requires a stomach pump.
I'm familiar with the rules.
All right.
Well, why don't you start with my entr‚e? My pleasure.
Savory, tangy a carbonated delight.
I give it an eight.
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
An eight? An eight! Try mine, huh? Stick your fork into this.
Ugh! Lumpy, noxious an insult to my colon.
- I give it a minus two.
- Minus two? Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm.
Well, Tim, unless your drink gets a ten out of ten, I think I've won.
I have a lot of faith in my lima bean smoothie.
You're not supposed to give away the ingredients.
Oh, you know what a sucker I am for lima beans.
I've already cooked my lima beans.
Add a soup‡on of secret ingredients.
A little bit of cultured buttermilk.
Ah, yeah.
And some baking powder just for froth.
Tim, you want to be careful.
Buttermilk and baking powder can be a volatile mixture.
Al, back off.
I know what I'm doing.
All right.
Now, just press "frapp‚" for me.
Hey, the Pistons just tied it up.
I've got 50 bucks riding on this game.
What's the spread? The spread is a delightful aerosol cheddar.
And the sample lady said it had a shelf life of 45 years.
The spread refers to the odds in the final score of the game.
Many times spectators would have to give their clothes to the What happened? That was the most incredible play I have seen all season! Of course, we didn't get to see it because somebody's blocking the TV again.
- Oh! Oh! - How are those little pizzas doing? Coming right up.
Don't do the wave without me.
Is it my imagination or is Wilson more annoying than me? It's close.
Be patient, OK? He's just trying to be one of the guys, all right? Well, if he doesn't stop yapping, the guys are gonna go over to my house and watch the game.
Listen to you.
Rather than drink beer here and burp up nachos, you want to be home with your wife? Well, if I said that, I didn't mean it.
Ah, you know, Germany has a distant cousin to basketball which is known as korfball.
It originated in the village of Braunschweig which is in northern Wilson, we can't hear you and the announcer at the same time.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Anyway, in the seventeenth century in Germany, it was quite a That's it! I'm out of here! - Me too! - Guys But what about the mini pizzas? Hey, Benny, Harry! Come on, guys! Oh, no.
Let's face it.
I'm never gonna be one of the guys.
I'm just gonna be hopelessly pompous and out of touch with reality.
It's about that review again, isn't it? He didn't know what he was talking about.
- A lot of people liked your show.
- But Tim, you don't understand.
He didn't just criticize my show, he criticized my life, who I am.
Aw, come on, Wilson! I've known you what, 15 years? You're a little different, you know.
But you've always been really comfortable with who you are.
Huh? Well, just up until that review, I thought my idiosyncrasies had some value.
Well, they do have value.
You know, what happened here is you went out on a limb.
You put your life on the line, the battle zone.
You're onstage.
You gave it your all.
And, you know, so what? You got hammered.
Ever been hammered on Tool Time? Well, this once I got too close to some shellac and No, no, no.
I mean, have you ever been hammered by a reviewer? Oh, yeah! Yeah! Well, how can you not take it personally? Hmm.
I'm reminded of one of the greatest entertainers of all time: Sammy Davis, Jr.
He said, "I gotta be me.
" To think I've spent my entire life studying the Greek philosophers and it all comes down to Sammy.
When it comes to wisdom, there's nobody like the Candy Man.
Tim, I want to thank you for not bailing out on me.
Oh, man! Don't change, baby.
I love you the way you are, man.
I dig you, cat.
I mean, cat, can you feel the love in this room? It's thicker than clam chowder, baby.
The problem I see is how to get rid of a metric ton of pork rinds.
Well, I hope the Value Club lets me return some of this stuff.
Although, I must say I have become quite fond of some of these high-tech appliances.
I think I'm gonna keep that stapler.
Always living on the edge.
What I do want to unload, though, is this answering machine device here.
You know, that thing has been blinking all day.
That means you have a message.
This is Stuart from the Campus Cafe.
Your show has gotten a lot of good response.
If you're not already booked, we'd like you to come back on Friday.
All right! Thank you, Stuart.
I'd love to.
He can't hear you.
Thank you, Stuart! I'd love to!
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