Home Improvement s06e21 Episode Script

Insult To Injury

Thank you for putting this food on our table.
Most of all, for allowing us to share this time together.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- I'll turn on the TV.
- Turn it up loud.
Freeze! Nobody's watching any TV during dinner tonight.
Sit down.
We are going to spend 20 minutes just talking to each other.
Twenty consecutive minutes? We're having a peaceful dinner together.
- With no telephone and no TV.
- What about watching Those are the rules, effective immediately.
Bulls are playing the Pistons.
Effective immediately starting tomorrow night.
Forget it.
Brad, put your napkin in your lap.
Pass the meat.
Don't stick your finger in the gravy.
Let's go around the table and find out how everybody's doing.
- Put something green on your plate.
- I did.
It's the meatloaf.
Very funny.
Now, Brad, what's going on with you? - Nothing.
- Randy? - Nothing.
- Mark? I could use some more spending money.
Forget about it, please.
Guys, come on, there must be something you want to share, something you're looking forward to.
I'm looking forward to the air show next Sunday.
Nothing better than a father and son sucking on corn dogs and breathing toxic jet fumes.
Yeah! Gosh, Dad, you make it sound so appealing.
Don't knock it.
Your father and Mark look forward every year to sucking up those toxic fumes together.
This year the Blue Angels are performing.
You guys remember when they let me ride in the back of the airplane? Yeah, they'll never forget it.
They spent a week hosing it out.
You know what I read this year? They're going to bring an F-117 to simulate a bomb run.
Are they dropping the Mark 54s or the Mavericks? - Both.
- Alright.
Isn't this great? Having a conversation just like a family.
Yeah, nothing brings a family together like bomb talk.
Tim! Tim, big news.
Your mom's bunions are inflamed again? Yes, but that's not what I was going to tell you.
We just got a call from the National Homebuilders Society.
I paid that fine.
That's not why they want to talk to you.
You know that award that they give? Consecutive appearances on a home renovation show.
- Bob Vila's held that for years.
- Not anymore.
Tomorrow you, Tim Taylor, become the new tool show king! - No! Me? - Yes.
Yes! - Serious? You sure? - Yes! - Get out! - No! Wow, Al! Never in my wildest dreams did I believe I could break his record.
- I believed in you.
- Yeah? Oh, yeah.
The minute I met you, I knew you could break anything.
Welcome back to Tool Time.
Today we're going to talk about vises in the workshop.
Just don't drink or gamble when you use the bench grinder.
We're talking about bench vises.
Before we get to that, I have a big announcement.
On tomorrow's show, I will break the record for consecutive appearances on a home remodeling show.
How about that, huh? Well, I thought we were going to wait till the end of the show to surprise our audience with this information.
But since Tim can't wait, Heidi and I have a little Tool Time surprise for you.
Klaus? I love surprises.
Well, Tim, we've arranged for you to go to a beautiful home in downtown Wixom, where we will be asphalting a driveway! Oh, I love asphalt.
But wait.
There's more.
Heidi, come on down.
And to lay that asphalt, you'll be riding this big, beautiful five-ton steamroller.
Ooh! - Don't toy with me.
- This roller is no toy.
It's got a 41-horsepower diesel engine, hydrostatic transmission, and a top cruising speed of five miles an hour.
And this is all for Tim, Tim, Tim.
That's right.
This is all for Tim Taylor, the king of tool shows! I'd like to thank everyone for this award.
Especially Al and Heidi and I Whoa! - Oh! - Are you alright? I usually scream when I'm alright.
No, I'm not all right! The X-ray shows a grade three achromio-clavicular separation.
Give it to me straight, Doc.
How long do I got? Fifty, sixty years, tops.
You separated your shoulder.
It can easily be corrected with surgery.
- Oh, honey.
Are you in a lot of pain? - Probably.
I'll let you know after those big blue pills wear off.
- How long does he have to be here? - Operate today, keep him here tomorrow, - go home Saturday morning.
- Saturday oh! - He's has an air show to go to Sunday.
- Can I go to? If you rest up and, uh, you don't try to pick up a plane.
Good, that's great.
- Alright, then.
- Wait a minute.
There's a little problem with me staying here tomorrow.
- What's that? - No can do.
I'm breaking Vila's record on Tool Time tomorrow.
What's Tool Time? Now you'll tell me you don't know who Bob Vila is.
No, I know who Bob Vila is.
It's just a stupid record.
The permanent use of your arms is more important.
- There's a solution here.
I've got it.
- Listen to the doctor.
No, we'll just do Tool Time here.
Bring the steamroller here.
Your wheelchair ramps need repaving.
- You can't work the day after surgery.
- It's out of the question.
How can you even think of doing a TV show when you're injured? You really haven't seen his show.
It'll be a minute before we put you under.
You should feel relaxed from the sedative.
I feel like a million bucks.
Poor Tool Man.
Damn shame he couldn't break Bob Vila's record.
Record he can't even sing.
He's got no record.
- He's ready for the anesthetic.
- Tim I want you to start counting down from 100 One hundred ninety-nine ninety-eight On behalf of the National Homebuilders Society, it's my great pleasure to present this award to the greatest tool man who ever lived.
You are the tool king.
Congratulations, Mr.
And you're the prettiest nurse in Dialysis, Becky No, I mean it.
I'll see you Saturday night.
Yeah, love you.
I gotta go.
- Gotcha, huh? - Yeah.
So, how are you feeling this afternoon? You know, I am feeling just fine.
As a matter of fact, why don't I just get up? Mr.
Taylor, you can't go to work.
You need to rest.
I'll be back to check on you later.
I don't need rest.
I feel great.
I'm the Tool Man.
A separated shoulder shouldn't stop me.
Heck, I once did a show with three broken ribs and my hair on fire! Well, that was easy.
Now, I'll just go to the location, break Villa's record and come right back.
Mental note, lifting is bad.
Mental note, next time wear sandals.
H- H-Hi.
Could you please page Dr.
Knell? Tell him that Becky wants to see him in Dialysis.
I've got some sort of cold, yes.
Thank you.
Knell, report to Becky in Dialysis immediately.
Enjoy your sponge bath, ma'am.
Brad, Randy, Mark, we're heading to the hospital to see Dad.
I'll bring his Blue Angels sweatshirt.
Something he has to pull over his head.
Thoughtful gift for a guy who just had shoulder surgery.
I'll help him put it on.
I'm calling him, tell him we're coming.
Instead of those boring family dinners, we can all get together and dress Dad.
- Yeah! And tomorrow, the family bath.
- There we go! Very funny.
There's no answer.
He was pretty wiped out after the surgery.
He's probably still sleeping.
Let's go wake him up as a family.
Welcome back to Tool Time.
We're on location at the Phelps home putting in an asphalt driveway.
Our loop man has spread the asphalt, which is at the proper temperature for smoothing, 370 degrees.
We've ironed out the edges of - Hi, Al.
Hi, Heidi.
- Hi.
Hi, Gary.
This is Gary Phelps.
He is the little tyke that lives here.
Where's the Tool Man? Well, as I already explained to our audience, he's in the hospital with a boo-boo.
A boo-boo? What do I look like? A three-year-old? He wasn't released.
Nobody's seen him.
Maybe we should check the psycho ward.
That was the first place I looked.
The suitcase is here, but there's no clothes in it.
So he got dressed and left, and oh, no.
OK, we're ready for our final step.
We'll be using this steamroller to smooth out our asphalt.
You want to be careful when using Thank you.
Thanks, thanks.
Guys! Wait, wait, wait! Hi, everybody! - What are you doing? - I made it! I made it! I made it! I made it! Which means, I beat Bob Vila's record! Um and on this auspicious occasion I'd like to say to Mr.
Bob Vila Nanner-nanner-nanner.
Tim, shouldn't you be in the hospital? Yes, he should.
This is one good-looking steamroller.
I think it actually looks better in person.
- He wouldn't.
- He couldn't.
He's Dad.
It looks like it's all ready to go, Al.
With your shoulder, I don't think you should drive this.
This is my record-breaking show, Al.
Come on! I'm serious.
You shouldn't be anywhere near this machine.
Well, let's ask the guy in charge, OK? Tim, what do you think we oughta do? I say go for it.
- Is it over yet? - Remove this cumbersome thing.
Be careful with the control lever.
- This control lever here? - Yes, it's very very sensitive.
Don't go too fast and crash into the garage.
I can't stop! Look out! We're gonna hit the garage door! Ahh! What do you know, he didn't crash.
And he didn't break anything.
Except Bob Vila's record! Alright.
Well, congratulations, Tim.
Now, why don't you get down so I can finish the job? I'll just back it back into position for you.
I hear a little boy crying.
Please tell me he didn't run over the little boy.
You smooshed my car, you big stupidhead.
It's gonna be all right, kid.
Well It's alright.
Hey, I'll get you another one a better one.
That was my favorite car.
Come on! Come on, hey! We're on TV.
And nobody likes a crybaby, right? You know, it's situations like this that tend to make a kid stronger.
I remember a slogan, "Into everyone's life some rain must fall.
" Right, folks? Right? Boy, that's a big shadow! Is your Dad home? Is he standing right behind me? He's a big man, isn't he? Is he smiling? There's an old saying.
"In everyone's life, a little rain must fall.
" Well, I hope you got a big umbrella, buddy.
Looks like Dad's putting on his own air show.
This next surgery should go very well.
Now I know my way around.
Can I go to the air show on Sunday? No.
I'm afraid you need to stay in the hospital.
Don't worry.
We're stationing our top security guard right outside the door.
- Man! - Mark, I'm really sorry, buddy.
I really am.
Hey, I'll take you to the air show.
Forget it.
I only wanted to go with Dad.
- Wait a second.
Mark - Mark, he's trying to apologize to you.
Too late.
Brad, Randy I gotta talk to your dad.
How could you? That award was very important to me.
Evidently it's more important than your son.
No, it's not.
This is the one thing you and Mark do together every year.
I know.
I don't know what came over me, it's the medication, I think.
I heard voices.
One of them said, "Go.
You know, beat that record.
" And the other one said, "Don't forget your pants.
" Well, here's a third voice for you, "You let down your son, and he's completely devastated.
" This day couldn't get any worse.
Ready for your enema? I'm having shoulder surgery.
Is that really necessary? No, but I'm trying to break Dr.
Sokel's record for the most consecutive enemas in one day.
I'm kidding! I forgot my chart.
He's ready for the anesthetic.
Tim, start counting down from 100.
Right let's see one hundred ninety-nine ninety-eight Well, hi-ho, good patient.
- Hi, Wilson.
- Hi.
- I didn't know you were a surgeon.
- I'm not.
I volunteer at the gift shop.
But, today they're letting me cut! So, what are we working on today? Gall bladder, circumcision? Oh, no, no.
It's a shoulder a shoulder problem.
Probably could use a new brain though today.
A brain transplant? Oh, boy! That sounds like fun! I was supposed to take Mark to the air show tomorrow.
- I disappointed him.
- Mmm.
Thinking about myself.
I always think about myself.
That is exactly who you should be thinking about.
Look out for number one, I always say.
- You never say that.
- I've never done brain surgery either.
Wait a minute.
This is a dream.
That's what this is.
Silly me.
But, what am I gonna do about Mark? I don't know, figure out something quick because by the time I'm done, odds are you're not gonna know who Mark is! Oh, Tim, relax.
It isn't like it's brain surgery.
Wait a second! It is! Mark, will you get that? Why not? I got nothing better to do this weekend.
I'm looking for Mark Taylor.
Lieutenant Commander Gray, number three pilot, U.
Navy Blue Angels.
Ohh um I'm Mark Taylor.
Hey, Mom.
There's a Blue Angel at the door.
Oh, yeah, sure.
And the tooth fairy's in the microwave.
- Can I help you? - Mrs.
Taylor, Lt.
Commander Gray.
- Your husband asked me to stop by.
- Please come in.
Brad and Randy, it's Lieutenant Commander Gray.
- Brad.
- Nice to meet you.
Tim called and said he was sorry he couldn't take Mark to the air show.
But I thought maybe he'd like to come as our guest.
- Well, what do you think about that? - This is amazing! - Your Dad's a pretty amazing guy.
- Yeah.
We're very fond of the Tool Man.
Especially when he's, uh nowhere near our aircraft.
You get to hang out with the Blue Angels.
I just thought of something.
How about I pick you up at 06:00? You can ride up front in my jeep.
Ohh! You're on! I gotta call my dad at the hospital.
Speed dial six.
So long, Mrs.
Maybe we can get you to an air show someday.
- Thank you.
I'd love that.
- Nice meeting you.
- See you, guys.
- Hello, Dad? - Hi, Mark.
- Hey thank you so much for the Blue Angel thing.
It's the least I could do.
Next year we'll go together.
Alright, deal.
Know what the cool thing is? - No idea.
- Lt.
Gray is coming here - picking me up in his jeep.
- Really? - Thanks again, Dad.
- You're welcome.
Blue Angel's coming to pick him up in his jeep? It was a little loose.
So I decided to put it back a little tighter.
Nurse, I need a number three scalpel.
Why use a scalpel, when you can use a Binford 6100 chain saw? - Honey.
I didn't know you were a nurse.
- I'm not.
I just love the shoes.
What are you guys operating on today? - We're not doing the surgery.
- Mmm.
- Well, who is? - Me, stupidhead! Don't toy with me.
Oh, this roller is no toy.
It's a 41-horsepower Gee whiz! This roller is no toy.
It's a 41-horsepower, diesel engine, static This roller is no toy.
It's a 41- diesel Gosh darn it! This roller is no toy.
It's got a 41-horsepower, diesel engine, static.
cling ohh!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode