Home Improvement s07e24 Episode Script

Tool-Thousand-One: A Space Odyssey

I've been looking for this everywhere.
I'm so glad you thought of the attic.
Me, too, 'cause I've been looking for this everywhere.
Now I can finally organize the family photos.
Isn't that great? - Take off the hat, Tim.
- Sorry.
- And the wig.
- I think it's working with the outfit.
- I don't think so, no.
- This is not a good idea.
You're gonna drive yourself crazy.
School is winding down.
I'm just gonna make time.
I've been feeling really bad about neglecting the family stuff.
This is a legacy that I can hand down to the boys.
I think the legacy they'd prefer is cold hard cash.
There's a thousand pictures.
I don't know where to start.
I got an idea.
Why don't we put all this back in the box, seal it up, and put it in a place where you can't remember? I wanna do this.
These are family heirlooms.
An heirloom is a gold watch, not Randy eating out of a garbage can.
What is this old picture? That's when I graduated driver's ed.
I was the valedictorian.
Oh, look at this picture of the kids.
This is what? The summer of 1991.
Arert they cute? - Hey.
- Hey.
Hang onto this.
- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim The Tool Man Taylor! Thank you! Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am, and shall always be, Tim The Tool Man Taylor.
And you all know the other guy.
Thank you.
All week long we have been showing you prototypes of new and exciting tools.
But now it's big news time.
Heidi, our big news desk, please.
You got it.
We have a Binford tool that's out of this world.
And our two next guests have actually been out of this world.
Let's welcome NASA astronauts Ken Bowersox and Steve Hawley.
Hi! Welcome to the show, guys.
We are welcoming back Commander Bowersox.
This is Kers third appearance.
Third appearance on a low-rated cable show.
You astronauts must have a lot of free time, Ken, huh? No, we don't, but the folks at NASA send us here 'cause they love watching me make fun of you.
They don't have much to do except organize their pocket protectors and swill Tang.
Why don't you tell our audience the real reason you're here? - I wanted to meet Heidi.
- Steve? A Binford tool's been chosen to fly in the space shuttle.
That's right.
Many major corporations were vying for this privilege, but Binford won.
Steve, why don't you tell us about the Binford tool? It's the Binford 2001 computerized wrench.
You can preprogram the amount of torque, turn and speed.
- It stores the data in the computer.
- I believe I was talking to Steve, Ken.
Having our wrench chosen is a great honor for Binford.
But a prototype like that is very expensive.
Actually, NASA isn't paying for it.
Binford is.
Ho ho ho ho ho.
Get a prototype and you don't pay for it? Sounds like a scam to me.
Well, there's one more thing you need to know, Tim.
One Binford employee gets to fly along on the mission to operate the wrench.
- Well, I'm a Binford employee.
- Who thinks the space program's a scam.
I said SPAM.
It's a good luncheon meat.
You can take it up there with you I, as opposed to Tim, have always thought highly of NASA.
And I am very pleased that the next mission will be the first ever commanded by a woman.
Commander Eileen Collins, if you're watching, Al thinks it's about time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I think I think it's about time Al sat down and removed his lips from NASA's butt.
- Hi there.
- Oh, hi.
- Still working on those pictures, huh? - Oh, yeah.
How would you feel if I told you I needed a little space? I don't know.
Depends on what you mean by a little space.
I mean all of space.
This sounds crazy, but I might have a chance to go up on the space shuttle.
How soon can you leave? Listen, this is serious.
NASA picked a Binford tool to go on the next mission.
They need a payload specialist to operate it - And they chose you? - Well, not yet.
I'd have to take some physical and psychological exams.
Should I beat out my competition, I train for six months and get to go up.
- Is this for real? - This is for real.
What about the actual mission? How long do you have to be in space? Five days, six if we get to blow up an asteroid or something cool like that.
Binford's OK with this? It's a promotion for the tools.
They think it's a great idea.
Tim, I don't know.
This whole thing sounds kind of scary.
If it makes you feel any better, I don't think they'd let me drive anything or - Six months.
That's a long time.
- But think about it.
But what about the kids? Brad, he's gotta be visiting colleges.
Randy's gonna be the editor of the school newspaper.
And God knows what's gonna be going on with Mark for that entire six months.
But it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
- It's not like you can pass it up.
- So, let's recap.
- Am I staying or going? - Well, you gotta go.
- Yes! - It's a great adventure.
I'm just gonna be the one stuck with trying to make it all work here.
Has anyone ever said you're the most beautiful, understanding woman? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The guy who just snuck out of here before you got home.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Mom.
Who was that? I enjoy: A: Taking a walk in a meadow.
B: Reading a good book by the fire.
Or C: Going on a rampage with industrial farm equipment.
Well, that reminds me of Mother.
A beautiful summer's day ruined by Mother.
Sometimes after an emergency bail-out, the parachute will keep dragging you.
The object of this exercise is to see how fast you can disengage from your chute.
- Yes? - It's a bit snug in the crotch area.
Further motivation for you to unook quickly.
And go! Oh, yeah! Oh, boy! Hello! Oh, boy! Oh, yeah! I believe you guys have got a couple of my personal items! Ouch! - Hey, Doc.
- Hello.
Pretty cool stuff.
We gonna play a video game? Yes.
It's called Space Probe.
This is to test how many Gs you can withstand.
We'll start off with three Gs.
This is great.
Hey, how about some more power? OK, eight Gs.
All right! Everything's spinning.
Reminds me of when I was a kid.
I love this! All right, what do we do next? - The group photo.
- Great.
We're gonna be sending you underwater in this ain'tight suit so you can simulate working with tools in space.
- Any problems with the suit? - Not at all.
I probably shouldn't have had that breakfast burrito.
Whoo! Next we're gonna send you up in a plane to see how you respond in a zero-gravity environment.
- Yes? - This means that I will be weightless? They're astronauts, not magicians, Al.
Watch this! Aaaagh! Watch out! You think that's something? You guys think you can jump high? Watch this.
Oh! You have a million similar poses here.
Why don't you throw some of these out? I can't.
They're all just precious family heirlooms.
How about this one of you pregnant and bending over? I wasrt pregnant.
Well, I'm all set.
All righty.
- Wow.
- Whoa! Look at you! This girl must be something if she can make you look halfway normal.
From what Mark has said, she is adorable.
Her name is Please, Mom.
It's bad enough they know my name.
What time's Dad supposed to be back? Well, he's supposed to leave Houston around midnight.
I wonder how he did.
Well, you don't actually think he got chosen, do you? Are you kidding me? There's psychological tests involved.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hey.
- What are you doing home so soon? - I got an early flight.
Missed you.
- Me, too.
- Hey, look at you.
You look like one of the Brooks Brothers.
- So what happened? - Well, we got our test results early.
I wanted to share it with the family.
Oh, Tim.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Au contraire.
Binford's proud to present Tim The Spaceman Taylor.
They picked me.
I can't believe it.
It's so amazing.
You are gonna be an astronaut.
Yeah, it's gonna be great, blasting off into space.
Cruising at 17,000 miles an hour.
All the while fighting the gravitational pull of Al's mom.
- When is the training gonna start? - Next week.
Oh, my God.
I've gotta get organized.
I'm gonna have to make some schedules.
While I'm gone, you're the men around the house, OK? You'll have to do what I normally do around here.
Electrocute ourselves and irritate Mom? Those are big shoes to fill.
We're up to the challenge.
I can't believe you're going up in space.
That's what the other astronauts said.
- You all right with this? - Yeah.
I'll be OK.
- I'm gonna pay for this, aren't I? - Oh, yeah.
Thanks for breakfast.
I gotta go to the library.
- One more kielbasa left.
You want it? - One more sausage, I'm gonna explode.
- Is that a yes or a no? - I'll see you later.
- I'll save this for Mark.
- Bye.
How did Mark's date go last night? He came in late and didn't say anything.
Can I just make one point? Nobody's ever seen the girl and she never came in.
Are you saying the girl's not real? Who cares? Real or imaginary, she's getting Mark out of the house.
- Hey, Dad.
- Sorry.
I tried to save you the saus - What happened to you? - Nothing.
Well, something happened.
I'm not saying it's a bad thing.
- Good.
- What happened to the Ivy League look? I thought your girlfriend liked the preppy thing.
She does.
She just doesn't like me.
She dumped me, Dad.
Hold on a minute.
Mark, Mark, Mark, wait, wait, wait.
- What? - I know this is hard to talk about.
But if I go into space, it'll be a long time before we can talk.
- I'm fine with that.
- I'm not fine with that.
I'm your dad.
I wanna know what's wrong.
Come on, talk to me.
- Nothing's going on.
- Sure there is.
Every time a girl breaks up with you, you gonna shave something? You'll quickly run out of options, I'll tell you.
This happens to a lot of kids.
I was just like you.
Dad, you were nothing like me.
You were popular.
With, you know, the car guys.
I wasrt popular with everybody.
The intellectuals, they thought I was a jock.
- And the jocks thought I was - An intellectual? No.
They thought I was uncoordinated.
Dad, what does this have to do with me? What I'm trying to say is a lot of kids your age feel like they don't fit in.
And everybody gets rejected.
Believe me, other girls'll come along.
Not like Kathy.
You know, I even changed the way I looked for her.
You shouldn't change for anybody.
Get used to who you are.
- That's never gone over big.
- I know how you feel.
You don't know how I feel, Dad.
You don't know anything about me.
- You don't know anything.
- Hey, Mark.
Come on! What are you doing, Wilson? Well, Tim, I'm painting my dragon head for the Moomba Festival.
Aw, jeez.
Is it Moomba time already? Oh, Tim.
You know, it's an Australian celebration.
I am so excited about it.
Probably not as excited as you are about your space voyage.
But there's a lot of things around this house that aren't so exciting.
Really? What happened? Mark's in a real funk over a girl.
Well, Tim, he is entering adolescence.
And if I remember mine correctly, rejection comes with the territory.
- But you didn't shave your head.
- Actually, I did.
But I was living in Tibet and I wanted to be like the cool kids.
I think Mark's problem is a little more serious.
One minute he's a preppy, the next minute he's bald.
He yelled at me, said I don't understand him at all.
It sounds like your youngest is struggling with his self-image.
While he's struggling, I wonder if I should be leaving home.
So you're torn between the most exciting voyage of your life or staying home and taking care of someone you love.
- That's the question.
- Heed the words of Thornton Wilder.
What did he say? Thornton Wilder said, "When one is at home, he dreams of adventure.
" "And when one is on an adventure, he dreams of home.
" That doesn't answer any questions.
No, but it does restate it in a very interesting way.
I'm sorry, Tim.
I mean, giving up the chance to go into space, that would be a big sacrifice.
On the other hand, Mark has had a really rough year.
Yes, he has.
It is a difficult decision.
Only you can determine how much you need to be here.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, thanks, buddy.
Enjoy your Dumbo Festival.
It's a Moomba Festival.
Moomba, Dumbo.
As long as an elephant flies, it's probably a lot of fun.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
- Get everything done at the library? - Yep.
Now I gotta go work on those albums.
Beat you to it.
Finished them up for you.
- Holidays, birthdays, vacations.
- This is incredible.
Honey! You have been so sweet ever since you decided to go up in space.
Well, you can kiss that goodbye because I'm not going.
What are you talking? Did they cancel the mission? No.
I just decided there were just more important things to do here at home.
Tim, I promised you I would take care of the cars.
This isn't about the cars.
I'm going to the mall.
What is that? That's one of the reasons I wanna stay home.
His new girlfriend broke up with him, so he shaves his head.
He's back in black.
I think that kid's problems are deeper than a bad haircut.
I am really worried about him.
Well, you must be if you're gonna pass up an opportunity to go on the shuttle.
This is a very crucial time in that boy's life.
When I was his age, my father had already died, and, boy, I wished he'd been around.
Well, I know that was tough for you But it's not just that.
It's the other boys, too.
What if Brad starts smoking pot again? What if Randy started doing that? This is not a good time for me to leave the planet.
You know, and there's other reasons why this is a great decision.
I can now finish the hot rod with Brad like I promised him I'd do.
And this summer I can take Randy fly-fishing.
We've always wanted to do that.
And we'll get to have a whole year together before Brad goes away to college.
Unless, of course, they'd let me go up in the shuttle.
- You're not a Binford employee.
- Hm.
Besides, I checked out the facilities on the space shuttle.
I don't think you'd be too comfortable pooping in a pouch.
So, Tim, you're sure that you're OK about not going into space? Absolutely.
What's a historic space flight compared with hanging out with your hairless offspring? - You have no regrets? - No.
Why do you keep harping on this? I don't know.
I just keep picking up these little signals.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm gonna need some more Tang, instantly.

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