Home Improvement s07e25 Episode Script

From Top To Bottom

Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! - That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim The Tool Man Taylor! Great.
Thank you all.
Hey! Whoo! Boy, nice audience.
Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, everyone.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim The Tool Man Taylor.
But, of course, you know that.
That's probably why you tuned in.
And you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Give it up for Al here.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
As you might have noticed by our clever sign, it is Hot Rod Week on Tool Time.
And we are just counting down the days when I finish my '46 Ford convertible right here.
We're calling this our Countdown to Coolness.
We never devote a week to my car.
That'd be exciting.
Tool Time salute to old station wagons.
- Can we get on with the first segment? - Why don't we? There's been big historical moments in all of television.
Remember the first step on the moon? Right in a Oh, yuck! The Berlin Wall falling down.
Those big bricks, they hurt me, dude! Look out! But today we're gonna break all records in the history of television.
I'm gonna pick out the color of my convertible top.
Huh! So why don't we bring out the man who will show Tim all of his color choices, auto design specialist, George Sparky Henderson! - Hey, Al.
- Welcome to the show.
- Thanks for coming, Sparky.
- Tim.
It's an honor, your having me here as part of this historic moment.
Let's take a look at some colors.
Love to, Tim.
We've got lots of samples here.
But our wheel, thank you, Heidi, is going to help determine what is the best color for the top of your car.
Now, we have here the color that you've used for the exterior, a ruby pearl.
- Excellent choice, Tim.
- Well, yes.
Then the interior, Tim.
You chose Rhone, so we line up these two colors, and then the inner wheel will show which color will best complement these two.
- The burgundy's awfully tasteful.
- Wrong! Now, you have an awful lot of options here, Tim.
Stop right there.
I think I know exactly what I want.
You still haven't seen all of your options.
Once I make a decision, Al, I've made my decision.
That's right, Al.
When a man sees something, he buys it.
- That's it.
Case closed.
- Not like a woman buying a purse.
"I don't know.
Does this go with my house?" All right.
So what color are you going with? I'm gonna go with Klaus, a drum roll, please.
I'm gonna go with honky.
- Honky? - White.
Oh, white, white.
I get that.
Well, now, that's a very bold choice.
But tan is very nice.
No, no.
Absolutely positively going with white or beige.
So much for a man being able to make up his mind.
Well, you have an awful lot of beiges to choose from.
Now, there's a fun beige, hm? - Let's not forget eggshell.
- Oh, I love eggshell.
- Snappy, snappy, snappy.
- What do you think about cashew? Al, we're talking about convertible tops, not what you store for the winter.
Sparky asked me to call.
We're looking for a fabric for a new convertible top.
Well, is Big Jim there? How about Spanish Bob? One-Eyed Ned? It sounds like he's calling a pirate ship.
Hi, guys.
You'll never guess what happened today.
- You bought me a Ferrari.
- Even better.
I was asked to be on that talk show, Talk to Me.
- I'm gonna be on television.
- Not now.
I'm talking to One-Eyed Ned.
He's got a bum ear.
No, no, no! I have no gum in my rear! Look, when Big Jim comes, just have him call me.
Now, what do you wanna?! What would you like to watch on television? No, I'm gonna be on television.
Did you witness a crime or something? No.
I'm gonna be on Barbara Canfield's talk show.
This particular segment is called Women on Top.
I rented that once.
It's about professional women who want it all.
That's the one.
- OK, I won't bore you with the details.
- Come on.
Tell us all the details.
- How much are they paying you? - I'm not doing this for money.
This is an honor.
I'm gonna be on a panel with two very distinguished women.
One's an economist.
The other one's a doctor.
You really balance out the group.
Part-time student with no income.
The chairman of the psychology department recommended me.
They wanted somebody who'd raised a family and is about to re-enter the work force.
That is great.
What do you think, guys? - Yeah, it's cool.
Whers the show? - Four o'clock tomorrow.
Oh, too bad.
I gotta go with Sparky to check out some car colors.
It's very important.
Well, what am I thinking? Not as important as watching my wife on a show talking about womers issues.
- What are you writing, Benny? - A birthday note to my mom.
How do you spell I.
? - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Timmy.
Oh, Tim, what's it gonna be? - The dusty sand or the sandy beach? - What's going on? We've been all over town fabric shopping.
For my top.
I always saw you in a slinky off-the-shoulder number.
Convertible top for my car, you idiot.
You thought of a toasted marshmallow? Not as often as you have, Al.
I'm late for my step-aerobics class.
I'll leave this here.
Make a decision.
I'll be back in a half an hour.
So, Tim, we haven't seen much of you lately.
Should I take that personally? Yes.
I'm working really hard on my hot rod.
I was trying to get this thing done by Friday.
You must have been busy.
You haven't spent any money here in weeks.
I had to cancel my trip to Hawaii.
I just talked to Dolores.
She didn't say anything about a trip.
Dolores wasrt invited.
Besides, she's on her own vacation.
She's scaring the bulls in Pamplona.
Oh, man.
Look at the time.
I'm supposed to watch Jill on TV.
- Tell Sparky I'll be back in an hour.
- Hey, watch it here.
- Hey, good idea.
- What's she doing? She's on that talk show, Talk to Me.
The segment's called Women on Top.
That was a video, wasrt it? And welcome to Talk to Me.
Today's topic is Women on Top.
We'll meet women who had it all, gave it up, got it back, and are doing it better than ever.
This looks good.
My guests today are Kathleen Fitzsimmons, mother of two, now an economist with Allied Bank.
Jill Taylor, mother of three, just about to complete her masters in psychology.
And Dr.
Diane Peck, mother of two, now a pediatrician.
This reminds me of my first appearance on TV.
Yeah, when you set your hair on fire.
My first question is how did your husbands react when you told them you were going to re-enter the work force? Diane? It's amazing.
I get a job with one of the top pediatric groups in Detroit and all my husband could say was, "Who's gonna cook for me?" What's wrong with that? Jill, how did your husband react when you told him you were going back to school? Tim? If that's your husband.
Well, as memory serves, he was very supportive.
Boy, I wish I had a husband like yours.
- Mine's a total caveman.
- Mine, too.
When I told him I wanted my own career, he couldn't even articulate words.
He just kind of went - How did you know that? - Lucky guess.
What kind of dirt you got on Jill? She's making you look good.
What do you think it would take for me to get a date with the host? A miracle not even God could pull off.
Jill, you're the psychologist.
What is going on under the surface with these guys? Well, it's very common.
Often a man feels threatened when a woman usurps his role as hunter-gatherer.
That's why their husbands reacted the way they did.
Why is your husband so understanding, the exception to the rule? Well, Tim is one of a kind.
I mean, Tim breaks all the rules.
Tim breaks everything.
Upon closer inspection, Jill's looking Hey! Hey! You're very lucky to have a husband who's made the transition easier.
I wish my experience had been a walk in the park like Jill's.
It wasrt exactly In a perfect world, I guess we'd all be skipping through life like Jill.
I'm not skipping through life.
I mean, I've struggled like the rest of you.
Believe me, my husband is far from perfect.
Look out.
What did your husband say when you told him you wanted to be a psychologist? - His exact words? - Yeah.
"What for? You should become a turret lathe operator.
" - Yeah.
- They make good money! I never talk to him about what I'm studying.
He thinks psychology is totally bogus.
- So you must be pretty resentful.
- Oh, no.
Don't misconstrue what I'm saying as anger towards my husband.
I could never be angry at a man who's in such a vulnerable state.
Exactly what do you mean by a vulnerable state? Well, he's in mid-life crisis.
I mean, he's emotionally fragile.
Oh, you poor hunter-gatherer, you.
Let me get you a tissue.
Would a hug help? It's really wonderful that you can be so empathetic.
Well, I have to be.
Tim is emotionally off-center.
He's crying out for help.
Hey, you guys hear something? Help! Help! It's very interesting the way that this manifests itself.
Tell us.
He comes up with all kinds of crazy ideas.
He wanted to buy and move up to a hunting lodge.
- With the kids? The whole family? - Yeah.
- And he wanted to fly into outer space.
- Oh, now, that is crazy.
In the middle of writing my masters thesis, he decided he wanted to have another baby.
- At your age? That's a lot of nerve.
- Oh, you poor thing.
No, no, no, no, wait.
No, he's the one that's suffering.
That's why it is so important for me to listen to all of his ideas, no matter how stupid or pathetic.
I think we should give a big hand to the woman who has it all in spite of the man who wants to take it away and keep it for himself.
That went well.
Man, Dolores rags on me, but it's in the privacy of a bowling alley.
At least this is on late in the afternoon.
Who's gonna watch the stupid thing? Eight people watch this damn thing.
- Tim.
- What is it? I saw what Jill said about you on the TV.
- Where? - The guys in the gym felt your pain.
A lot of them tried to cover up by laughing.
Were you one of them, Sparky? I'd rather not say.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Mom.
Great job on the show.
Really? So you don't think that I went overboard? Well, it's hard to say.
Why don't you ask your stupid, pathetic husband? Is he upset? Never came home to watch the show.
- Oh, thank God.
- We taped it.
You want us to hide it? No, I want you to burn it.
Hello, Jill.
Goodbye, Mom.
So I heard that you never made it home to watch the show.
No, I didn't make it home.
That's OK.
It was really not interesting.
- You don't think? - No.
I was able to catch it at the hardware store in front of all my friends.
How are they doing? You know, I really have been missing Benny.
Benny's really great.
He's been laughing a lot lately.
They've all been laughing a lot.
They thought your performance was really funny.
You should remember some of the things you've said on Tool Time about women.
Such as women aren't decisive, uh, my wife this, my wife that.
I am paid to be a character on Tool Time.
Your character just happens to be married to a character named Jill? Jill's a very common name.
The Jill you said drools in her sleep and the Jill you said had bad morning breath was this Jill.
The only two times I've mentioned your name.
You said I was suffering a mid-life crisis, told everybody that, that it was stupid to want another child.
You called me fragile.
I was just trying to get a psychological perspective on men in general.
I didn't mean you.
The only one you mentioned was me.
I wasrt talking about you specifically.
I was referring to the global you.
- Oh, yeah.
The global me.
- Yeah.
Well, now the global me is walking around without any globes.
That's why it's so important that I listen to all of his ideas, no matter how stupid or pathetic.
that I listen to all of his ideas, no matter how stupid or pathetic.
What was I thinking? Oh, oh, oh, oh Wilson, is that you? Oh! I am so sorry, neighborette.
Good thing I wasrt juggling chain saws.
- I didn't know you juggled.
- Oh, yes, indeedy.
I'm a little bit rusty.
But in my younger days I worked in the circus.
I roomed with a two-headed man.
Did you split the utilities three ways? No, five ways.
We also lived with Nicky The Lobster Boy and Margo The Human Corkscrew.
I'm rooming with Tim The Ticked-Off Tool Man.
I was on a talk show and I said some things I shouldn't have said.
Well, Tim's done that to you on Tool Time.
Yeah, but I said that he was stupid and pathetic.
Oh, my, my, my! What caused you to do that? I don't know.
All these women were trashing their husbands.
And I didn't wanna do that, you know.
I wanted to explain Tim's behavior.
Well, who were these women? They were very successful professional women.
One was a doctor.
The other was an economist.
Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
All I said was, "Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
" But what you meant was that I was analyzing Tim was because I was insecure around these women and needed to show off how much I knew about psychology.
Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
You make another good point.
I mean, I was validated for what I said, so I went on and on and on and on.
Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
I sold Tim out to make myself look good.
You're really tough on me sometimes, Wilson.
But you don't make me feel judged.
You know? You are just a genius.
How do you do that? I just tell it like it is.
- Hi.
- Hi there.
How are you doing? Not as good as the woman that had it all, got it back, dumped it on the ground and rubbed my nose in it.
What's all this? I know I shouldn't have said what I did, so I cooked your favorite meal as a sort of peace offering.
Bratwurst, knackwurst.
And as an appetizer, liverwurst.
I guess you could say this is my "wurst" meal.
- I say that about all your meals.
- Yeah, I know.
I didn't mean to talk about our private life on television.
I guess once I got surrounded by all those successful women, my self-esteem issues were triggered and I wanted to impress them.
- So I overcompensated by - Honey, honey, honey.
Back the Freud Fairlane up here.
You got carried away.
You were trying to show off for the girls.
- I was the butt of your tirade.
- Yeah, that's right.
You got it.
I do it all the time on Tool Time.
Now I know how you feel.
So you're not gonna hold this against me? No, I'm a guy.
I let this stuff go.
I do wanna ask one thing, though.
Are you ticked off at me for making you go through this mid-life thing? Sometimes it is hard for me to keep up with the changes you're making.
But I love that you're experiencing new emotions you never thought you'd have.
I hate new emotions.
I hate all emotions.
It did make me appreciate what you have to go through every day.
What? Being married to you? Being in front of the camera, putting it out there in front of everybody.
- How do you get over being nervous? - There's a little thing I do to relax.
I I make fun of women.
It's spring again, the time when a young mars fancy turns to Cheese! That's right.
And check out Saginaw's new line of spring cheeses.
When it's springtime, it's string time.
Sparky, pull me off a little bit of that string cheese.
Saginaw Cheese.
Cheese, it's good! Welcome back to Tool Time.
It's that magic moment.
That's right.
We're about to reveal Tim's completed hot rod.
Oh, thank God.
I can't wait.
I've never seen you this excited about a car before.
I'm excited because it's finally finished.
Yeah, we can get our lives back.
If I were you, I'd go with a whole new one.
OK, on three, we're going to reveal Tim's totally tricked-out '46 Ford convertible! Everybody One! Two! Three! - Yeah! - All right! Hey, Tim, there's no upholstery, nothing.
You were supposed to finish this.
After we changed the color of the top, the seats didn't match, neither did the side panels.
The maroon didn't match the rim, so I'm gonna repaint that.
- That's gonna take, like, three months.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, no.
Klaus, drum roll, please.
- Funny color, Tim? - It's a funny color.
That Jill was this Jill.
The only two times I've ever mentioned your names were that time How are they? I've been missing Benny.
In my younger days, I worked in the circus.
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