Home Improvement s08e01 Episode Script

Whitewater

HEIDI: Does everybody know what time it is? ALL: Tool Time! That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Birthday Boy" Taylor! (ALL CHEERING) (WHISTLING) - Thank you, everybody! - Happy birthday.
Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am, and I intend always to be, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Of course you know my assistant, the poster boy for Plaid magazine, Alfred E.
Borland.
Thank you.
- Happy birthday, Tim.
- Thanks, Al.
Congratulations on surviving another year without electrocuting yourself.
Hey, show's not over yet.
Well, folks, it's my birthday today.
Thanks for showing up.
And I gotta be honest with you.
I don't like birthdays.
You know why? - Why? - Why? Well, because every year a well-intended person plans my birthday for me.
This year I'm doing just what I want to do.
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
I'm going to a NASCAR race.
Got VIP seats.
Yeah.
And after the race I'm coming home.
I've got it taped.
I'm gonna watch it again, this time in my recliner sitting there in my house enjoying the three R's, baby! - And the three R's would be? - You know 'em, huh? Remote, ribs and Rolaids.
Well, in honor of Tim's birthday, we asked our viewers to give us their version of a "Man's Cake.
" Well, here's a mag wheel cake from Jim in Ypsilanti.
Jim, good job with the mag wheel.
I like it already.
It's a butter cream filling with a chiffon base.
Why didn't you guys just send me a chiffon dress? What happened to devil's-food cake? It's easy to make.
And that's what we're gonna show you how to do today.
You got a bowl.
Very simple.
You put in the cake mix.
Pronto, just like that.
A little cholesterol.
Eggs.
You got your butter.
And a soup├žon of oil for your fats.
A little bit more for easy exit.
There you go.
You mix it up.
You put it in one of those little cake pans.
You put a little of that shortening in there.
You put it in the oven.
Ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing! 350.
Next thing you know (OVEN BELL RINGS) You have a cake that is shaped like a brick.
And that baby is dead level.
Looks good enough to eat, Al.
As a matter of fact, I think I'm gonna enjoy a little slice of this bad boy right now.
Well, Tim, actually, before you do that, I want to show you my surprise cake.
- Well, Al, I want to sit down - It took and take a look at these gifts I've got here.
- Look at that cake.
- Well, actually, I have a surprise cake for Surprise! Oh, yeah.
Yeah! Oh, sweet mystery of life.
I told you not to do that Tool Time salute to nerve gas.
If I'd found this chair before I found your mother, you wouldn't be around to make that joke.
Hi, guys.
What are you doing? Just practicing for my day by myself for my birthday.
The guys gave me this at work.
It's got little slots for my drinks and my selection of fine aerosol cheeses.
Well, if you think that's great, wait till you see what I got you.
Yeah? Oh, I was gonna give it to you at dinner tonight, but I'm too excited.
Does it have anything to do with NASCAR racing or chewable antacids? Not even close.
- A little boat for the bathtub? - No.
Look under it.
Under it.
- No, in the box! In the box.
- Oh, look.
Airline tickets.
Yeah.
You planned something for my birthday? Yes, I've been planning it for months.
I told you not to plan anything for my birthday.
- You say that every year.
- Yes, I do.
We're going to Kernville, California.
Kernville? Three days of roughing it.
River-rafting by day, camping at night.
Is that fantastic? - That's fantastic.
- Yeah.
But, you know, I don't want to take the boys out of school.
The boys aren't going.
I want to spend some time with Lauren before she goes to Costa Rica.
What about Brad and Mark? Well, they're too embarrassed to be seen in public with their parents.
Brad has a soccer game.
Mark's band's playing at a dance.
Your mom's gonna look in on them for us.
Great! All right! Kernville.
For river-rafting, you're gonna need four, and the kids can't go.
I'm way ahead of you.
Get this.
Wilson, Al and Heidi are going! - Al's going? - Yes! Happy birthday, honey.
Listen, I'm gonna go start packing.
I already got the sleeping bags dry-cleaned.
All right! We're going to Kernville! - Hi, we're the Taylors.
- I'm Cub.
Welcome to Rafting Adventures, where rafting is an adventure.
Did you think that up all by yourself, Cub? No, no.
That was some college dude.
I'll get you started on your paperwork while Jane over there gets you fitted for life jackets.
- Oh, great.
Great.
- Okay? - I'll be right over there, honey.
- Okay.
- Can't wait, huh? - JILL: Yeah.
Oh, boy! Hey, is there any chance that the weather will turn bad and close the river down? - Oh, I take it you're not into rafting.
- Well, no, rafting's great, you know? But it's my birthday, you know? And I had VIP seats to see a NASCAR race, - first class all the way.
- Oh, if you're looking for first class, you came to the right place because we offer deluxe packages with the finest accommodations.
Really? Yeah! Well, what package did my wife order? The "Back to Basics.
" Sky above you, dirt below you.
And watch out for leaves of three when you're wiping.
Well, that paints a pretty picture, doesn't it? Is there any way I can upgrade us to this imperial package? - Well, sure.
Sure.
- Well, great.
- Let's just keep it between us.
- Oh, okay.
And this ought to cover it.
While you're at it, why don't you buy yourself a real name? - Hey, Tim! We're almost unpacked.
- Great.
I can't wait to get on that river.
It's gonna be total gnar.
- That means big bad whitewater.
- Oh, yeah.
Sounds like you've been up and down the river a few times.
That was before I was married.
All right! We're ready to raft, huh? Al, Lewis and Clark didn't carry this much stuff.
Yeah, well, they didn't spend 18 years in Boy Scouts.
Boy, you really prepared for this trip! You got some great equipment there.
Well, when I go camping, I go Binford, huh? I first heard the call of the wild when I was eight years old.
That was your mom, wasn't it? "Al, the macaroni's ready!" Well, hidey ho, river rats.
Cool helmet.
Yes, this is the kayaking helmet I wore on my last river trip.
I kayaked in Chile.
I've swam in chili myself.
Look, can we get going? Not before you get your life jackets and sign this waiver, please.
- Great.
- CUB: If you could just come over here.
"I understand that river-rafting involves risks which include injury" Great.
"fatality due to capsizing, collision, drowning or hypothermia.
" Happy birthday tome Al, you knew I wanted to plan my own birthday.
- Why did you agree to do this? - Well, it sounded like fun, you know? Besides, I wanted to try out my new Binford Trout Buddy.
You call yourself a friend? I would never spend your birthday with you.
- You know, just relax.
Enjoy yourself.
- I wanted to watch a NASCAR race.
- We got a safety lecture coming up.
- Safety lecture.
I know.
Real men don't need safety lectures.
Yeah? Who's the real man? That would be me.
Tim Taylor.
Who are you? You know, that's a good question.
Ever since the war, I've been trying to figure that out.
But with the flashbacks and the thumping in my brain, it's been tough.
- I was just looking for a name.
- I'm Kyle, your guide.
You hit a rock.
Half the boat wants to go to the right.
The other half wants to go to the left.
Now you've got to make a decision.
What do you do? Taylor! - Kicking some Martian butt! Ha! - JILL: Tim! Does anybody know what to do if your boat hits a rock? I do! You get to the high side of the raft.
- Excellent! Everybody ready? - Yeah.
- Let's go! - Yeah! Little green blob, who's your daddy now? (ALL CLAMORING) - TIM: Are you all right? - Yeah, I think so.
It's just, you know, this thing that flared up this summer.
- Yeah.
- It'll be okay.
Easy.
Easy, easy, easy.
You all right? Oh, no.
WILSON: Oh, now, Jill, it doesn't sound like you're all right to me.
Jill, there's no way I can let you on this river.
Jill, I'll stay here with you.
No.
No, I don't want to wreck Tim's birthday.
No.
You don't want to do that.
Kyle, is there any way that she can stay off the river but still go camping with us? - Al? - Sure.
You can stay with my wife.
You gals can spend the day together and she can drive back to the camp at night.
Are you sure she doesn't mind that? Oh, no.
She's got a light day.
All she has to do is cobble my shoes and make soup out of bark.
All right, Mark.
Get up.
You've been shaking for a half-hour.
I still have two more minutes.
Yeah? Well, not according to my watch.
Please get up.
(SODA SPILLS) Smooth.
You just spilled grape soda all over the couch.
Yeah? Well, it's your fault for not moving.
Now go get some towels.
- You're the one that pushed me.
- Shut up.
Gosh, you guys! It's so beautiful out here.
The blue sky, the trees Not to mention these leeches.
KYLE: There are no leeches on this river.
Well, just in case, I brought some Leech Be Gone.
Never use that! Ruins the taste.
So, Kyle, we know that you like parasites.
How long have you been a guide on the river here? Ever since my army buddy got me the gig.
- Then he passed away.
- Sorry to hear that.
They say it was natural causes, but I say the government killed him.
Kyle, what do you say we get you into the shade, huh? Hey, rapid ahead.
KYLE: Taylor, start paddling.
TIM: Hey, paddle this! KYLE: Here we go.
ALL: Come on! (WHOOPS) - That was incredible! - Totally awesome! No, no, no.
What would be awesome is watching Dale Earnhardt fly around a tri-oval at about 200 miles an hour, okay? Tim, can't you just enjoy yourself? Yeah, well, that was just a Class 2 rapid.
Down river we got some 3's and 4's that'll fill up those drawers.
Promises, promises.
You know, birthday boy, you look a little familiar.
Well, I have a very popular television show.
I don't own a TV.
The government uses the airwaves to send subliminal messages to destroy our minds.
And you certainly wouldn't want anyone messing with that noggin.
Yeah.
Well, this noggin, it's the only thing standing between you and an ugly watery death.
Fluid fills your lungs, your throat closes up, your brain shuts down.
(EVIL SNIGGER) Happy birthday to Timmy Happy birthday to me Bark's tender.
Would you like some soup? No.
I think I'll just wait till the others get back.
Besides, isn't the rafting company supposed to bring us our dinner? Yeah.
But you don't want to eat that poison.
I don't? You know what USDA stands for? "US Deceives Americans.
" - TIM: Hi, honey.
- Hey! Hey! How was it? Oh, it was great.
A couple of birthday bug bites, some birthday river up my birthday butt, couldn't be birthday better.
- You didn't have a good time? - Yeah, yeah.
Yes, I did.
Yeah, of course it was a great time.
I'm just a little hungry, I guess.
I've got just the thing for you.
A hot, steaming bowl full of wood.
Try it.
The bark's got a little bite to it.
Michael, row the boat ashore Hallelujah Then the Feds, they tax him more They'll always screw you! Oh, my God! What is that? Relax.
Relax.
Last time they landed, they were very nice to me.
Sounds like some kind of a bus.
Could be the rafting company's luxury motor coach.
Maybe it's the Oak Ridge Boys! JILL: What kind of a boob would order a luxury bus on a camping trip? Come on.
Come on.
Look at this thing.
Detroit diesel-powered, convection oven, sleeps six A luxury bus on a camping trip? Oh, but you hurt your back.
I wanted you to be more comfortable.
No, no, no, no.
There was no phone on that raft.
You did this before I was hurt.
Okay, okay.
I wanted me to be more comfortable.
I can't believe you did this without telling me.
You planned this whole birthday without telling me.
Well, duh! It was a surprise.
Well, a surprise is supposed to be something the other person likes.
On my birthday, you just decide to do things and then drag me along.
I try to think of things that you like.
Oh, yeah.
Like last year? On the way to the bed and breakfast, - you stop off at a tulip festival? - That was fun.
You made me do the clog dance! Look, if you didn't want to go rafting, why didn't you just tell me? Oh, that would've gone over real well.
"Honey, I know you busted your butt planning this whole thing, "but I want to go to a NASCAR race by myself "and feast on aerosol cheese.
" Honey, it was your birthday.
We could've done what you wanted.
It still is my birthday, and I want to stay in this bus.
I can't believe after 19 years of marriage, - you still can't be honest with me.
- I'm being honest with you right now.
Too late! (AL SNORING) Does anybody know what time it is? WILSON: I haven't heard sounds like that since I was in Nairobi studying the breathing patterns of warthogs.
- Maybe if he had another pillow? - KYLE: Done.
(GASPS) Under him! (SNORING) Hot shower and a little breakfast.
Did I sleep well or what! I've got some hot cheese blintzes in the oven, guys! Huh? WILSON: Shut up! KYLE: Shut up.
So did you have any luck with that stain? You tell me.
Mark, what'd you put on there? I thought I heard Mom say that red wine takes out soda stains.
No, you idiot.
Soda takes out red wine stains.
This is bad, isn't it? Well, let's see.
Mom and Dad come home and the couch is stained and the whole place smells of booze.
We gotta get rid of the smell.
You're right.
Let's try some bleach.
(AL WHOOPING) Would you guys stop paddling a minute? My magazine's getting all wet.
KYLE: You know, Taylor, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Your wife takes the time to plan this great trip for you.
And what do you do? You piddle all over it.
TIM: Hey, look! It's my party, I'll piddle if I want to.
Maybe next year I'll let Tim plan his own birthday.
That would be wise.
We have to do whatever we can to keep our marriages strong.
- You're very insightful, Luanne.
- Well, I have to be.
Because the evil forces of the world are out to get us.
What evil forces? The dairy farmers and the people who make aluminum foil.
AL: I have to go to the bathroom.
- WILSON: Again? - Shut up! Old Al "The River Runs Through Him" Borland.
You know, at least he's paddling.
If everyone was a tube lizard like you, we'd get maytagged.
"Maytag"? "Tube lizard"? A couple of brochures, what are you, Popeye all of a sudden? Oh, you'll have to forgive Tim.
He can't help being an insensitive lout! You're no picnic either, Sinus Boy.
Yeah, tell me about it! I was up all night.
I never had this problem with my kayaking buddies.
Would you quit yakking about your kayaking? Well, it's better than listening to your boring stories of how you and your mom went to Anchorage and caught fish with your hands.
- TIM: Lucky she wasn't harpooned.
- Shut up! - Shut up! - You shut up! No, you shut up! AL: Shut up! HEIDI: Shut up, Tim! I can't take it anymore! So much noise I can't hear the voices in my head.
Oh, our guide has voices in his head.
How about this one? Incoming! Over! AL: Oh, great, Tim.
Now we don't even have a guide.
- This is all your fault! - This isn't my fault.
I didn't want to go to this thing in the first place.
Friends, friends, friends, in the words of Benjamin Franklin, "We must all hang together or else we shall hang separately.
" HEIDI: And we'd better hang together fast.
Look up ahead.
ALL: Oh, no! Come on, let's go! (ALL CLAMORING) Come on, come on, come on, don't stop now! Go, go, go, go, go! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! We did it! You know, this has turned out to be a pretty decent birthday after all.
AL: Yeah.
This is a good thing, you know, because it just might turn out to be my last! Look at that! Okay, guys.
Paddles ready.
We can do this.
Oh, Mother, I love you! (ALL CLAMORING) AL: Oh, no! HEIDI: Come on, break it! (WHOOPING) HEIDI: Paddle.
Yeah! How could you abandon them? I'm not proud of what I did, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
- We're back! - Hey, honey! I'm back! - Thank God you made it! - TIM: Hey, hey, hey.
We have Kyle to thank for this.
If he hadn't jumped ship, we never would've known we had it in us.
No, no, no.
I think we have Jill to thank for this.
- HEIDI: Oh, yeah.
- For making this one of the best - birthdays I ever had! - Really? Having such a good time, I've decided we should stay another day.
Fine with me.
Jill and I can spend tomorrow looking for holy visions in the algae! Wow! How much fun that would be! But you know what? My back is really better.
It's better.
I think I should join you tomorrow.
All right! (BONES CREAKING) (JILL GROANS) Hey, guys! We're home! Guys? Sorry that your back is still hurting you! Boys? Doesn't sound like they're home.
- The place looks nice.
- Yeah.
I told you we could trust them.
Didn't we used to have a couch? You didn't pack that, did you?
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