Home Improvement s08e02 Episode Script


Well, today we kick off the Tool Time lyric-writing contest.
For years our theme song has had no words.
Klaus? (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Hey? And a theme song without lyrics is like Well, it's like Al's mom without a 5:00 shadow.
As I was saying, Detroit's finest songwriters are vying to have their lyrics be the crown jewel in the dazzling Tool Time theme! You heard it right.
There's no money involved.
Heidi, tell them how the contest works.
Well, our contestant begins to sing and the moment we don't like what we hear Flonko! (GONG RINGS) Well, let's bring out our first contestant.
He is a carpet installer, Wade Waller.
(ALL CHEERING) Thank you.
All right.
All right, Waller, let's hear you holler.
(WADE CLEARS THROAT) One, two, three.
Here's a song about Tool Time It's here now Here's a song about Tool Time And here it is Here's a song about Tool Time Here's a song Here is the Tool Time song And here's a Tool Time gong.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a warm hello to The Flannels! Now there's a good-looking bunch.
Yeah, if you're a single woman at a Scottish mixer, huh? Where are your instruments, guys? Oh, we don't have any.
We'll be singing Al cappella.
One, two and one.
(HUMMING) Everyone get set for Tool Time Wrenches Everyone get set for Tool Time Ratchets Circular, circular, circular, circular Saws! (ALL APPLAUDING) All right! Well, they are great! Well, and congratulations, guys.
You made it into the semi-finals.
Semi-finals! Yeah! You're great.
Really great! See you next time.
See us next time! You're pushing it.
We're pushing it! Our next contestants are a rap group, and they are big fans of the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome L.
Tool J and Grand Master Bath! (RAP MUSIC PLAYING) What's up? Yo, Tim's in the house Rock the house Yo, Tim's in the house Rock the house I say Tim's in the house Rock the house You say Tim's in the house? Wreck the house If you got a nice place And you want it kept Then ban Mr.
Tim Because he's inept He'll blow off your roof And destroy your kitchen And next thing you know Your girlfriend's bitchin' 'Cause Tim is in the house Wreck the house Yo, what's up with that? You dissed the boss.
That means you lost.
(SIGHS) Now it's only 16 hours, until you leave for Costa Rica.
Forty-four seconds.
Randy, maybe we shouldn't spend our last moments together counting our last moments together.
You're right.
I just can't believe you're gonna be there for a whole year and I'm not going with you.
I know.
You know, when we both applied for this thing, I always pictured the two of us working together in the rainforest.
You know, we'd spend our mornings protecting endangered species And our afternoons collecting dung samples.
Look, it'll only be a year.
I'll be back here before you know it.
I know.
I know.
I'm just really gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
Randy, while I'm gone, would you just promise me one little thing? Don't worry about it.
I won't look at any other girls, except for maybe Tiffany Tucker, who's got that nice mole on her lip shaped like Idaho.
Must be so hard saying good-bye for a whole year.
Looks like that kiss is gonna last a whole year.
I hate to admit it.
I am so glad that he didn't get into that program.
I'd hate to have my child living in a jungle in Central America.
I think it will be a great experience for Lauren.
She gets to frolic in the sun, pick some coffee, come back home with a nice tan, and really wide awake.
Well, that's it.
Lauren's on her way.
How are you? I'm all right.
A little sad.
Hey, of course you're sad.
What you need is something to take your mind off this, okay? You know, when I have young girlfriends that leave me for the jungle When something bad happens to me, I go to the garage and work on cars.
When anything happens to you, you go to the garage and work on cars.
You know what's weird is that it was my idea to apply to the program in the first place.
Now she's going and I'm not.
Things happen for a reason.
I mean, maybe Lauren was just meant to go.
You know how the world works.
They always favor the woman.
What are you doing? I'm putting a scrapbook together for Lauren.
Each item represents some special moment in our relationship.
Pasta? Yeah.
That's from our first date together.
Good thing you didn't have fish.
I'm gonna send this to Lauren down in Costa Rica so she'll have something that reminds her of me.
Yeah, I think that's really nice of you, Randy.
You should put that in there, too, man.
What's the significance of this? Nothing.
I just didn't feel like walking to the trash.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Yeah, this is Randy Taylor.
You're kidding! Oh, this is amazing! When? This is great! I'll tell my parents right away.
Thank you so much.
Okay, bye.
This is great.
Lauren and I are gonna be back together.
What? They kick her out of the program already? I get to go to Costa Rica! What? Yeah, some guy dropped out of the program and they're giving me his spot.
What? They expect you to just pick up and go just like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna be living with a family in San Ramon, which is only 20 miles from where Lauren lives.
I leave on Saturday.
You can't leave Saturday! Well, why not? Well, because Because it's It's the day before the day of rest.
Don't you need some time to get stuff together? Yeah.
You have to get clothes.
You have to get all those shots.
Translate your records into Costa Rican.
Guys, I know it's kind of a rush, but I can do this.
You're sure you're okay with it? Yeah.
It's all the bananas you can eat.
Yeah! We're great.
TIM: Yeah.
No, we're really Excited.
We're happy for you, honey.
Okay, cool.
I'm gonna go pack.
We're really happy.
I'm gonna be sick to my stomach.
My child is going I'm not gonna see him for a whole year? Why is it that we agreed to this thing to begin with? Because six months ago there were hundreds of applicants.
I mean, now they've picked him.
I can't believe it! Look, if you don't want him to go, let's just tell him he can't go.
We can't do that.
He'd hate us.
He's a teenager.
He's supposed to hate us.
Why? What? We have to let him go.
We have to.
His girlfriend's gonna be there.
They're both really committed to the cause.
I mean, he's got his heart set on it.
So? When he was eight years old, he had his heart set on that pony.
He never got that.
Yeah, well, maybe if we'd given him the pony, he wouldn't be going to Costa Rica.
I still know that pony guy.
I'll cut a deal with the guy.
Oh, it's probably a horse by now, wouldn't it be, 'cause it's Poncho, insect repellent, compass, hiking boots.
What am I forgetting? You got underwear? Of course I have underwear.
What do you think I am? An idiot? Okay, I'm an idiot.
So I bet you're looking forward to being down there with Lauren alone, huh? Brad, it's not gonna be like that.
Lauren's chaperone is 6'2", and she is very strict.
Well, I think it's really cool you're going down there to save the environment.
You don't think I'm crazy for doing this, do you? No, no.
I don't think you're crazy.
I mean, I think it's gonna be kind of weird.
'Cause I figure that by the time you get back, I'll probably be headed off for college, you know? So this year would've been our last chance to hang out together.
We could've done some major partying.
Well, I'm not really the party guy, but Well, I guess we could've tortured Mark together.
I am definitely gonna miss that.
Of course, you know, if you want, I can score you some Costa Rican itching powder.
And if you do, I promise to send you the pictures of Mark's rash.
Hey, men.
What are you guys talking about? We're actually just talking about Costa Rican itching powder.
Hey, don't get me started, all right? Years ago when you wanted a good itch, you bought American, all right? Yeah.
We used to be proud of this country's novelty products in my day.
All right.
I'm gonna go write to my congressman.
Good work.
While you're at it, why don't you tell him about the influx of that fake vomit from Japan? All the bean sprouts in there.
What's that all about? Now I know where I got my global consciousness.
Freakin' right, man.
Need any help packing? No.
I think I got everything.
Oh, rain pants.
I need rain pants.
You think Mom could pick me up a pair? I think your mom would stitch them herself and drive them down there for you.
What do you mean? Well, you know, she's having a little trouble at the thought of you leaving.
She didn't say anything about it.
I don't think she will.
She won't say anything about it.
But, you know, she's pretty worried about you living halfway around the world.
Dad, it's no big deal.
It's like I'm going to sleep-away camp for a year.
Except this camp, instead of arts and crafts, you've got tarantulas and man-eating fish.
Not to mention the constant threat of a peasant uprising.
Dad, Costa Rica is the most stable country in Central America.
Oh, yeah.
That's what they said about Nicaragua.
Now the people down there are deprived of the most basic freedoms.
You can't buy a Chevy big block down there! You know that? And this bothers Mom how? I'm just saying that she's worried, you know? I just wanted you to know that.
Just the thought of you moving so far away is eating her up inside.
If Mom was so worried about this, why did she let me apply to the program in the first place? If she knew she was gonna be this worried, I don't think she would've let you apply to the program.
Why are you telling me this now, Dad? I leave tomorrow.
I just thought it might be interesting to find out how your mom feels about it, that's all.
So either miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime or turn my mom into a basket case? So you've got options.
Tah-dah! I went to camping stores.
The totally mosquito-proof hat.
What do you think? Mosquito-proof hat.
I'll be the only kid in Detroit wearing one.
What's that supposed to mean? You got your wish.
I'm not going to Costa Rica.
Why? Why not? Why don't you ask your middleman? What just happened here? It's okay.
It's okay.
He'll calm down.
Good news is our son is now buying his itching powder right in the US of A.
Let me get this straight.
Randy is not going to Costa Rica because you told him that I was worried about spiders and fish.
And that you were worried about him being so far away.
I covered all the bases.
You don't need to thank me.
Thank you.
Well, you're welcome.
Tim, I am worried about him going, but I told you I wasn't gonna stop him! That's why I stopped him for you.
Look, it doesn't matter who stopped him.
The point is he's not going.
So he's gonna miss this incredible adventure and spend the rest of his life blaming me.
You know, I thought you'd be happy that I fixed things.
Tim, this isn't a leaky faucet or a broken carburetor.
This is my relationship with my son! I did not ask you to fix it! Not literally.
But you were sending some very strong subliminal messages.
Really? Well Yes! Yes! Okay, so can you pick up on this message that I'm sending you right now? That is not physically possible.
Hey, Wilson.
Hidey ho, good neighbor.
What's all the smoke? I'm roasting Joe.
Well, I don't hear any screams.
He's obviously taking it like a man.
(WILSON CHUCKLING) No, in honor of Randy going to Costa Rica, I'm roasting coffee beans.
Randy's not going.
Why not? Because I told him Jill didn't want him to go.
So the trip is off just like that? Jill must be very upset about him going.
The only reason I told him that was because Jill was worried about his health and safety.
I mean, he's not gonna be home for Thanksgiving.
We won't see him at Christmas.
He won't be here when I finish the hot rod.
He's gonna celebrate a birthday down there, you know.
If we want party pictures, you know, I'll have to pick up a copy of National Geographic.
Well, I'm still back at "ah.
" Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Huh? Tim, have you ever heard of a play No, no, no.
No plays, no ballets, no chamber music.
None of that.
Just give it to me straight.
I'm talking about the Shakespearean comedy As You Like It.
Now in this play, the young Rosalind is uncomfortable expressing her feelings for the nobleman Orlando.
The only way she can speak her mind is by dressing up as a man, the shepherd Ganymede.
What does a cross-dressing sheep lover have to do with me? Well, I suspect, just as Rosalind masqueraded as Ganymede, perhaps you were masquerading as Jill.
Once I tried on a pump.
It was Halloween, for God's sake! No, I'm talking about masquerading your feelings.
I mean, is Jill really the one who will miss sharing the hot rod with Randy? Of course.
She's the one Are you suggesting I stopped him from going because of my feelings? Well, that answer can only come from the masquerader.
All right, all right.
I tried on the pantyhose, too.
Is Randy back yet? No, he's not.
When he gets back, I'm going to tell him that I'm okay with him going to Costa Rica.
And you might also tell him that it was me that had the problem with it.
I don't want him leaving for a year.
You were projecting your feelings on me because you're in denial about him.
You have all these emotions you want to express to him.
You just don't know how to do it.
Yeah, and if you could just tell him that, you know, I'd call us even.
Not gonna happen.
You have to do this.
Randy, guess what? Good news.
Here are your rain pants.
You are going to Costa Rica.
What? What's changed? Talk to the middleman.
I don't get it.
Well, it's complicated.
Would you slice this for me? Do you remember your first solid food? I was seven months old.
So you do remember.
Your mom tried to get you to eat that wimpy rice cereal, but I gave you a bratwurst.
No wonder I became a vegetarian.
So why am I going to Costa Rica again? It's complicated.
How did you become 16 already? Well, I woke up one morning, I was 15, and thought, "What the heck! Let's keep on going.
" So back to the Costa Rica thing.
Damn it, I'm gonna miss you.
So you're the one who had the problem with me leaving? The longest I've ever been away from you has been a week.
And I visited you in the hospital every single day.
I'm just not comfortable about you leaving like this, you know? We We haven't gotten a chance to do half the stuff I've talked about doing with you.
Like what? We never souped anything up, even a bicycle.
Come on, Dad.
Don't you remember? I was the first six-year-old ever to be pulled over for speeding? If you'd just ducked into that alley, that cop would've never seen you.
I know.
You never talked about girls.
Well, I'm not leaving until Saturday.
What do you want to know? I laugh with you.
Boy, I'm sure gonna miss you.
Dad, I'm only gonna be gone a year.
You can call, you know? You know, and then when you get back we can go on that fly-fishing trip we talked about.
I'd like that.
You know, it takes a lot of courage to go to a strange country, A lot of kids would be scared to do this.
Well, to be honest, I am scared.
Yeah, I've talked to a lot of people who've been down there, but I don't know what I'm getting in for.
If you got any trouble or any questions, I'm just a phone call away.
So fill up those rain pants with quarters, all right? Thanks, Dad.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
But you're gonna be just fine.
You're gonna do well.
You think so? Yeah.
You've survived every natural disaster known to man right here in this house.
: Flight 557 will now begin boarding through Gate 17.
Well, I guess this is it.
MARK: Have a good trip, Randy.
Thanks, Mark.
And here's the video I made of you and Lauren making out in the gazebo.
You're a very odd boy.
But I'm gonna miss you.
I'll miss you, too.
You, I'm not gonna miss so much.
Have a good trip, buddy.
Save a tree for me, eh? You got it.
I got you a little present.
A recorder, so you can record your thoughts in the jungle, send them back to us.
We put some stuff on there like this.
JILL: Wear your sun block.
Don't forget to write.
TIM: Never look a monkey in the eye.
Thanks, Dad.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I packed some snacks in your backpack in case you don't like the food on the plane.
There's celery.
There's carrots.
Or if you want to mix them together, there's celery and carrots.
I love you.
I love you, too.
You have a great time.
And don't forget to write.
Call when you get there! Call before you get there! Or I could open the emergency door and just yell out of the plane.
That'll help.
This helps.
Costa Rica is the most stable country in Central America.
That's what they said about Nicaragua.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode