Home Improvement s08e03 Episode Script

All In The Family

Brad! (SIGHS) How many times have I told him not to leave these lying around? (EXCLAIMS) This'll show him.
What am I doing? Honestly, what do you think? - It's kind of a "lumber jacket.
" - Yeah! Yeah! That's good.
I'm wearing this to kick off Woodworking Week.
Honey, listen, the Calvin Pine collection.
- You smell kind of like a bookshelf.
- Yeah.
It's Old Cedar.
It's very sexy.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I thought you had to go to the class today.
- Not till about 10:00.
- Oh, boy! I have a kind of a window of opportunity.
How about you? Oh, I've got to be at Tool Time in 20 minutes.
So, I just have, like, a little peephole.
- Oh, boy.
- I can work with that, I think.
I gotta I gotta (PHONE RINGING) - Should we get that? - What? The phone.
Let the machine get it.
It's Jeff.
Listen, I decided to take you up on your invitation to have dinner and watch the fight.
Although I may be a little late because I have an appointment with my podiatrist.
Tim, I've got a fungus infection between my toes that would just turn your stomach.
Just ignore him.
He does that to get a rise out of me.
JILL: He won't.
JEFF: It's unbelievable, Timmy! There's this yellow stuff oozing out of my toenails.
Actually, it's more of a light green or a tea Hard to describe on the phone, Tim.
I'll show you tonight over dinner, okay? See ya.
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS) That just put a lock on my window.
Hey, but Daddy's got the master key! Okay, I know this.
The cerebrum is responsible for sensory and neural function, motor coordination And one more thing.
Memory! Damn! - Hi, honey.
- Hi.
What are you doing home so early? Three words.
Rag, oil, match.
Well, the boys are still at school.
How's that window situation holding up? Oh, the window.
Actually, I'm wide open until after 2:00.
And then again between 3:00 and 3:30.
Two windows in the same afternoon? There's bound to be some broken glass.
I'm willing to risk it.
(DOORBELL RINGS) - Should we get that? - Let the machine get it.
(KNOCKING) Jill, honey, it's me, Carrie! - Oh, my God! That's my sister Carrie! - Let the machine get it.
Surprise! Hi, Carrie.
What ya doing? I was looking for a quarter.
I guess I came at a good time then, huh? JILL: God! What are you doing here? You never said you were coming to Detroit.
- Oh, I got a last-minute job.
- Well, what are you gonna do? I'm photographing a magazine cover.
I just thought I'd stop by on my way to the hotel.
- You are not staying at a hotel.
- Honey, she's a grown woman.
If she wants to stay in a hotel, who are we to stop her, huh? She is not staying at a hotel.
You can stay in Randy's room.
But when you stay down there, you gotta go all the way up to the bathroom and then you gotta jiggle the handle of the toilet because it kind of runs.
So, I should have Brad stay down in Randy's room and you can stay up there in his room.
- Great.
- Okay.
Tim, is that okay? I have no idea what she just said.
But that's okay.
Boy, I wish I could find a guy like him! Yeah.
Well, Carrie, when they made me, they broke the mold.
I believe you broke the mold.
The skin between every single one of my toes is cracked, splitting and raw.
Could you pass the creamed corn? There you go.
I'll tell you, this fungus is painful.
Not as painful as hearing about it.
You know what's the worst? Plantar's warts.
You have to scrape that skin off the inside of your toe Okay, that's it.
Dinner's over.
Time for the fight.
- Yeah.
- What? TIM: Carrie, you're home early.
Am I glad that job's over! My feet are killing me.
Please, no more feet.
ls Jeff here? - Hi, Jeff.
- Hi, Carrie.
Oh, it's great to see you again.
Great seeing you, too.
You look terrific.
So do you.
And thanks for sending me those photographs from Tim's Fourth of July party.
- Oh, we had a great time together.
- Oh, yeah.
Until Tim almost shot that bottle rocket up your - Heineken anyone? - Yeah.
Nothing like a cold beer before a fight.
Come on.
Let's sit down.
- Oh, I love boxing! Who's fighting? - Ironhead Johnson.
Versus my man! You ready to rumble? From San Juan, Puerto Rico, Chi Chi "The Mucho Macho" Hernandez! I hate boxing.
It's bloody.
It's vicious.
Sounds like Jeff's last marriage.
Since the last time I saw you, my wife and I split up.
Yeah, Jill told me that she left you and you're living with your mother again.
Gee! Thanks for the build-up.
I guess it lost a little something in the translation.
You think? - I'm really sorry, Jeff.
- Well, you know, these things happen.
So, how long you gonna be staying here? Well, my job's over and I really don't have to be anywhere else for a week.
A week? Hey, is that all? Chi Chi! Man, those body blows are unbelievable! Twenty bucks says Chi Chi comes out of this with a ruptured spleen.
- You're on.
- Okay.
I happen to know he lost his spleen in the Lopez fight.
That's why he's down a weight class.
I can't stand this anymore.
I'm gonna go upstairs and read.
Good night, guys.
Was that a tooth that flew out of his mouth? - Tonsil.
- Oh, man! Oh, this is great, I love watching sweaty, muscular guys test their manhood.
You know, in college I used to fight.
You were a boxer? Well, I know my way around the ring, yeah.
They called you what, "The Humongous Fungus," right? Get him, Itchy Toe! Hit him, Itchy Toe! Come on, baby! Hey, what a fight! What a fight! Chi Chi must've stopped - So, he lost again? - No! No! Won the fight.
It was on a technicality.
But a win is a win.
I guess Ironhead's urine sample came up a bit dirty.
Please, spare me the details.
Did Jeff leave? No.
He's down there talking with Carrie.
(TIM HUMMING) What are you doing? Hoping to log on to Windows 98.
We can't be doing that.
My sister's gonna be up here any minute.
So? So she'll be right next door.
And she's not a sound sleeper.
- I don't think she'll be up for a while.
- How do you know that? Because Jeff is talking about shoes, and feet.
His feet, her feet, our family's feet.
You know, if you took a little whiff right here You might become intoxicated by the deep aroma of wood.
- You think? - I think so.
(JILL MOANS) (DOOR CLOSING) That's Carrie! You said she wouldn't be up here! Jeff probably took his socks off.
Well, that's it.
We can't do that now.
- Why not? - It'd be too weird.
Yuck! It doesn't bother me.
Well, you'd be comfortable doing it with a relative in the room.
If you're not comfortable in front of family, why bother? I'm sorry, honey.
But there's not any sex happening here tonight.
JEFF: Oh, yeah.
(CARRIE LAUGHING) Oh, no! (JEFF AND CARRIE LAUGHING) I can't believe my sister's in there with your brother.
I can't believe my brother's feet are touching those sheets.
We're gonna have to boil those things, you know.
How could they be involved with each other? Maybe they're not involved.
Maybe they just stepped up here for a quick boink.
This is absolutely unbelievable.
They've been at it for almost an hour! I had no idea Jeff had that kind of staying power.
Jeff and Carrie, of all people in the world? Well, some women go for that bald look, you know? They stare in that shiny head and they can fix their make-up.
What would my sister see in your brother? I just told you.
I don't mean the bald thing.
- You know, Jeff is just He's so - So what? - Well, he can't keep a job He can't - Oh, stop it He's been divorced twice.
He's, you know, kind of uncouth.
My brother reeks of couth.
And what makes you think Carrie's such a catch? Carrie? She's a great catch.
She's an accomplished photographer.
She's cute.
She's warm.
She's funny.
- She's a mooch.
- What? How does she always end up staying here? She's always on her way to this imaginary hotel of hers.
The "Holiday Inn Her Mind.
" Oh, I don't want to argue about this.
Look, Jeff is just the wrong guy for my sister, okay? What you mean is he's not good enough for your sister.
- I never said that.
- But that's what you mean.
Don't tell me what I mean.
I don't need to tell you what you mean, you know what you mean.
I do know what I mean.
And it's not what you think I mean.
And who are you to tell me what I mean, anyway? Half the time you don't even know what you mean! - What's that supposed to mean? - What do you think it means? I don't know.
I'm not even sure what the original topic is.
- My sister.
Your brother.
- What? Yes! You think your family's better than my family.
That is so untrue.
I love your mother.
I'm not talking about my mother.
How about my brothers? Your brothers are fine.
Not as fine as your couthy, intelligent sisters.
- What's that supposed to mean? - You think my brother's a lowbrow.
- I never said that.
- That's what you mean.
- You have no idea what I mean.
- Let's not go there again.
You look down on my brothers because you think they're unsophisticated.
And when you look down on them, you look down on me.
I do not.
You are being so ridiculous.
I'm just not even gonna talk to you anymore.
Oh, that'll last about five minutes.
If I had a nickel for every time you talked to me after you said you weren't gonna talk to me again, I'd be a millionaire.
- Oh, please! - There's a dime right there.
Oh, look who came up for air! Hi, Carrie and I were just upstairs.
She was showing me her - Photographs.
- Photographs.
- That's what you're calling them now? - JEFF: Yeah.
Jeff's just gonna take me out to grab a bite to eat.
See ya.
Well, looks like another Patterson woman lowered herself to the level of a Taylor man.
You are such a jackass.
Let's see (INAUDIBLE) Jackass one or two words? Welcome back to "Woodworking Week" and our special segment on dents, defects and gouges.
Now, we've just showed you how to inlay knots to cover blemishes.
Since we're done working on Al's face, we can now start on this nice table.
Okay, say you have a lacquered or varnished table AL AND HEIDI: You have a lacquered or varnished table.
with a small dent in it.
Doink! Not to worry.
No need to sand off the finish to restore this table to its natural beauty.
No, no, no.
We're gonna show you a process that we call "doping in.
" Doping in can be done in one of two ways.
You can stick Tim into the dent.
Or you can apply a small drop of the same finish into the dent - with a toothpick or a small brush.
- That's right.
And once it dries, just repeat the process until your dent is filled.
- Now, moving on to a larger project - We've got Al's mom's TV tray.
Still moving on.
Now, take a look here.
If you have a prominent crack, perhaps it's spreading Moving on again.
You can keep this crack from getting any bigger by installing a decorative butterfly key.
Like one of these ones I carved earlier today.
- Well, Tim, that's made of ash.
- I know.
Well, our table is made of bird's-eye maple.
- They're from two different families.
- So what? Well, ash is a coarse grain and maple's a fine grain.
They just They don't go together.
Are you saying your wood is better than my wood? No.
Your wood is classier and more intelligent than my wood? What are you talking about? I'm talking about people that look down on other people's wood.
Maybe your maple could just kiss my ash.
What I would use for a decorative butterfly would be I'm not finished yet.
I'm not finished yet.
You know, just because a wood is coarse and unfinished doesn't make it inferior.
You know, I believe this country was founded on the principle that all wood has the inalienable right to become a nice cabinet! (ALL CHEERING) What exactly is your point, Tim? I mean that all wood is created equal, regardless of color, creed or burl.
And fourscore and seven tables ago We'll be right back to "Woodworking Week" after we medicate our host.
- Hi-ho, Jill.
- What are you doing? - I am celebrating Yabusame.
You know, at Yabusame time in Japan, members of the Shinto religion shoot arrows to expel evil influences and resolve long-standing quarrels.
(EXCLAIMS) Well, if you have any extra arrows, you ought to send one over here.
Problem, neighbor-san? My sister Carrie started seeing Tim's brother Jeff.
We won't go into the how, when and where of that.
But I didn't think it was a good match.
Tim got all sensitive about it, accused me of looking down on his family.
Well, why did he do that? I have no idea.
I have always been the one who defended his family.
- To whom? - My family.
Well, you know, my dad.
- Oh, yes! The Colonel! - He was a very opinionated man.
- Judged everybody according to rank.
- Oh, I remember that.
Used to call Tim "Corporal Punishment.
" Well, then he promoted him to "Major Butt-head.
" I never wanted to be like my dad.
You know, look down on people.
That's why I've always been very accepting of Tim's brothers.
WILSON: Accepting of Tim's brothers? If you're trying to imply that Tim's right, you are way, way off base.
If I was that judgmental, I never would have married someone like Tim.
"Someone like Tim.
" Oh, my God! Listen to me.
I've become my father without the scowl.
Jill, everybody picks up certain negative characteristics from their parents.
Yeah, well, I knew I picked up negative characteristics from my mother.
I didn't know I'd gotten them from my father, too.
- That hardly seems fair.
- Right there.
See, now, by identifying them, you make the first step to overcoming them.
You know, it took me years of hard work to get rid of my father's annoying traits.
- Really? What was he like? - Odd man.
Kept to himself.
Never really let people see the whole person.
- You look great.
- Thanks.
Jeff's taking me to Sorrentino's for dinner.
Whoa! So, you two really seem to be hitting it off, huh? Well, yeah.
We had a great time together yesterday, although Although what? Well, Jeff's a nice guy.
But he's had all those business failures.
He never even finished college.
He's obsessed with his feet.
- What do you think of him? - Jeff? Yeah.
I think he's a sweet and decent guy.
That's what I thought.
And then last night when he dropped me off, you know, I just started picking him apart.
That critical voice you're hearing, you know where you get that? It's from Daddy.
What do you mean? You remember how he used to put everybody under the microscope? If you examine anybody that closely, you're gonna find flaws.
Maybe you should give Jeff a chance.
I think you're right.
Especially since you're already sleeping with him.
- We did not sleep together! - Oh, really? No! Well, we started kissing.
And then I remembered my sister was right next door.
(BOTH EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) Of course, Jeff could've cared less.
He would've been fine with the door open.
Tim would do it on Tool Time.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Now, listen! Listen! Ignore that critical voice.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- He's been divorced twice.
- I met both of them.
He's better off.
- Go! Go, go, go! - Okay.
Coming! - Hi, Jeff.
- How're you doing? Hey, good news.
After our romantic dinner, we're going to "Fight Night" at Cobo Hall.
- Well, that's fantastic.
- Yeah.
And I got you this.
- Oh, you're so sweet.
- Yes, I am.
Guys, have a good time.
(DOOR CLOSING) I saw Jeff's car.
Where's he taking Carrie? Dinner and a fight.
(TIM CHUCKLES) Sounds like Friday night at our house.
Okay, okay.
I was wrong to be so judgmental of Jeff.
Wow! You were judgmental? (WHISTLES) It was that Patterson family gene just seeping through.
I mean, you guys may be a little rough around the edges, but, hey What's the surprise? You're men.
(TIM CHUCKLES) And for men, you're very open, accepting and caring people.
Plus we're really good at Skee-Ball.
I think that if Jeff happens to fall in love with Carrie, she'd be lucky to have him.
- Yeah? - Uh-huh.
Where are the boys? At the movies.
How would you like to crack open that window? TIM: Hey, Wilson? WILSON: Hidey-holy henna! What happened to your head? I just saw Al's mom naked.
- Look, Tim, that's made of ash.
- I know that.
And this table is made of bird's-eye marble.
They're Marble? AL: Yes!
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