Home Improvement s08e05 Episode Script

Al's Fair Lady

Welcome to Tool Time on location.
And now the star of the show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Thank you, everybody, and welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and, of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
To give something back to the community, Binford has designed this complete workshop on wheels.
We'll be coming into your neighborhood to help with your household repairs.
That's right, we're equipped to fix your tools, your car, your plumbing.
And on a good day, your schnauzer.
Let's take a look at this van, shall we? It's a custom-made Chevy half-ton.
Custom-made flares.
It's got a duel rear axle, aluminum wheels, but inside is the real story.
This thing is equipped to fix anything from a Hoover vacuum to the Hoover Dam.
Complete set of Allen wrenches, circular saw, cordless drill, table vise.
Even one of Al's vices.
And here we have a laptop computer with a complete set of home repair manuals on CD-ROM.
- We call it the brains of the operation.
- Something we've never called Tim.
Moving on.
We even have our own paint department on this van.
You can create the custom color of your choice, right over here.
And paint isn't the only thing we make to order.
Because a working man works up a hearty appetite.
That's why our circular saw doubles as a deli slicer.
We'll make you a salami and oak sandwich.
Or how about a dagwood, extra lean? This brazing furnace? Well, it's also a barbecue grill.
So while we're sharpening your ax, "ax us" for a hamburger.
You can wash it down with a Binford 6100 milkshake because our paint mixer doubles as a blender.
(EXCLAIMING) - What flavor's that? - White semi-gloss.
I don't get it.
We've been driving around for 20 minutes.
- Where is everybody? - Maybe nobody has anything broken.
Something is always broken, Al.
Guys, we forgot something.
Brand-new peephole.
That should cut down on those unexpected visits from your ex-wife, huh? God bless you, Tool Man.
You have given me hope.
Okay, Larry.
I finished working on your weed hacker.
Did the work myself, so I gave you a little bit more power.
Gratis, man.
Added a little bit of weight, so the balance is a little different.
So let me show you about handling this bad boy.
Al, help me out.
Hold it.
All right, safety first, folks.
Always use your goggles.
But now the motor's a little heavier now.
Starting is the same.
All right.
Hold on to here.
Gotta give it a crank, there.
Oh, yeah.
(MOTOR REVVING) Little weed here.
Little weed there.
Just like butter! (INAUDIBLE) There you go, Larry.
Start some hacking, buddy.
- Nicely done, Tim.
- Thank you, Al.
Okay, well, that's it for Tool Time.
Hey, Mom, what do you think of my face? It's the most precious, adorable little face I've ever seen.
No, I'm actually going for a goatee.
Where? Oh, no, wait! I see a little something here.
No, that's a pimple.
Oh, come on, Mom.
There's gotta be something down here.
Why are you suddenly growing a beard, anyway? Well, 'cause the whole team's doing it.
We decided not to shave until our winning streak's over.
Well, I'm sure you'll win lots of games and your beard will grow in nice and thick.
- Yeah.
- But I don't know why anybody would want to cover up that sweet, adorable little face.
Come on, Mom.
- (SIGHING) Hey, Brad.
Hi, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
Dad, you can see the goatee, right? Yeah, but your mom prefers if I don't bring it up.
- Would you - I'm gonna go wash up for dinner.
What are we having for dinner? Well, the boys are having leftover something.
And you and I are going to Al's new girlfriend's for dinner.
- We are? - Yeah.
He said that he told you all about it.
Don't you ever listen to anything he says? I don't have to listen to Al.
He's my assistant.
He gets paid a handsome wage to listen to me.
When are you gonna get used to the fact that the whole world - does not revolve around you? - I'm used to that fact.
I'm working right now on "Why not?" Well, regardless, we're having dinner with Al and Trudy tonight.
Gee, I can't wait! He said that they've known each other for about a month, and she's really nice.
I know her.
They met on Tool Time.
Don't you remember? She was that frumpy kook with the rat that did the wiring.
She wasn't really the rat lady, but the real rat bit me on the nose? - It's gonna be a nightmare.
- It'll be fine.
Oh, you say that now, but wait till after dinner, Al undoes that belt.
(GROANING) And those three bloodcurdling words, "Let's play Twister!" - Do we have the right address? - Yeah, this is it.
She probably lives in the guesthouse around back.
Let's go back there.
- I thought I heard voices out here! Hey! - Hi! Al, does the owner know you're in the main house? Of course she does.
The owner's Trudy.
Come on in! (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY) Wow! What an incredible house! Yeah.
This thing's gotta be worth a million bucks.
I mean, a million-two if it's been re-piped with copper.
This is my home away from home.
- And here's Trudy.
- Oh, hi.
- Trudy, good to see you again.
- Nice to see you, Tim.
So nice to meet you, Jill.
Al just raves about you.
Oh, that's so sweet.
- Well, I brought a three-bean salad.
- Oh, you shouldn't have.
I tried to stop her.
Don't be silly.
I'm sure it'll be a perfect complement to the pheasant.
Pheasant? That's my favorite fowl! - Here! Let me take that.
- Dinner's almost ready.
- Come on.
Sit down.
- Great.
Wow! You have an amazing house.
Oh, thank you.
It's been in the family for years.
- You've heard of the Rockefellers? - Well, of course.
One of them ran over my grandfather.
- That's awful! - How many times did they hit him? All right, so would anyone like some wine? I have a lovely pinot.
I'm sure you do.
I'll have the wine, though.
Oh, Al.
Let's not do the pinot.
I have a '91 Chevalier-Montrachet I've been saving - for a special occasion.
- Well, that sounds wonderful.
Oh, then I'll run down to the wine cellar, get it.
Oh, you know, I'd better go with you because the white Burgundies are hidden in the east grotto.
Excuse us.
I can't believe Al never told me that Trudy was rich.
Well, you know, that stuff's just not important to Al.
He doesn't date for money.
He'd date for an onion ring.
She's got a grotto? A wine cellar? When I was a kid, the only thing we had in the cellar was my grandmother.
"Let me out of here! This duct tape's starting to hurt me! Come on!" Well, Trudy seems very nice.
And Al seems so happy.
And I feel so stupid for bringing a three-bean salad to a mansion.
FYI, that three-bean salad wouldn't taste any better in a Turkish prison.
- Trudy, that was an incredible dinner.
- Thank you.
I love to cook.
- And I love to eat.
- We're perfect for each other.
Excuse me, Trudy.
I got lost going to the bathroom.
Is it left of the bowling alley or on the other side of it? - Left.
- Right.
It's hard to believe that you guys have only been dating a month.
You seem so comfortable with each other.
I know.
Al and I clicked the minute we met.
Yes, we did.
Although, I was a little gun-shy about getting back into a serious relationship.
My last relationship ended badly, too.
(BALL ROLLING) (BOWLING PINS CLATTERING) TIM: Strike! My current relationship is about to end badly.
Tim's great, but Al, well, he's sensitive and deep and he never stops giving.
You make me want to be a better Al.
- I'm gonna go bowl one more frame.
- Tim, come here.
Sit down.
- We're both so happy for you.
- Thanks.
Al, did you know that today's our one-month anniversary? Did I know? You're darn tooting! Happy anniversary, Gertrude.
Oh, thank you, Albert.
- I've always wanted one of these! - A cockroach on a chain.
No, it's a scorpion.
It's my birth sign.
- JILL: It's beautiful.
- Thank you.
Oh, and I also got a little something for you, too.
(AL EXCLAIMING) I like to save the paper.
(EXCLAIMING) Look! Oh, this is the perfect addition to my exotic car-key collection.
- Thank you.
- Let me take a look at that.
- Look at that! - Wow! That's vintage.
It's a Ferrari.
What year was this for? A '66.
For Al's '66 Ferrari.
You know, the one that you like so much in the garage? It's yours.
Happy anniversary.
It's not just a Ferrari.
It's a classic! - The car is completely inappropriate.
- Wrong.
It's perfect.
It's dressy, yet casual.
You don't think that it is slightly insane to give a Ferrari - on a one-month anniversary? - Trudy is loaded.
Her giving him a car is like you giving me boxer shorts.
You'd have to be shallow not to see what is going on here.
I see what's going on here.
Al got a Ferrari after sticking it out for one month! He holds on for a year, he'll get the Duesenberg she's got parked in the garage.
Trudy is a really sweet woman who has some very serious self-esteem problems.
She obviously feels that she has to buy Al to keep him in the relationship, and I think that Al is uncomfortable with this.
And he was masking his discomfort with all that giddy laughter? So? It's a case of classic overcompensation.
Oh, stop it.
Why are you picking apart something wonderful - that happened in Al's life? - What? The relationship or the car? Both! There wouldn't be a car without a relationship.
So you're saying that Trudy is the perfect woman for Al? You know, you know, I've always had a good feeling about her.
You said she was a frumpy kook! The same thing I've called Al.
They're an ideal couple.
- You don't care about Al.
- Yes, I care about him.
- You just care about that stupid Ferrari! - Stupid Ferrari? (SIGHING) For the sake of our marriage, I'm going to pretend that you never said that.
- Where's Al? - You've asked me 15 times.
Why are you so anxious to see him? (CAR APPROACHING) (EXCLAIMS) - The car looks great, Al! - Thanks, Tim.
But there's one thing that would make it look a lot better.
Me behind the wheel.
Can I drive it? - Please, please, please, please? - I don't know.
- Come on, once around the parking lot.
- We'll see.
I'm having trouble with this car.
Well, it's a 12-cylinder Ferrari.
It's probably a plug.
I know a guy that'll fix it.
Give me a half hour.
Give me the keys.
I'll take it over there.
It's not a mechanical problem.
I'm having a problem accepting such an extravagant gift! I mean, all I gave Trudy was that scorpion pendant.
Well, Ferrari, bug on a chain It's the thought that counts, isn't it? - I don't know.
- You've worked really hard - your whole life, right? - Yes.
And what do you have to show for it? Nothing! Now, you have a woman who appreciates the real Al Borland.
The competent, trustworthy, nice, wonderful human being.
It's you, Al.
You deserve it.
- Enjoy this.
- I suppose you're right.
- Yes.
- I should just hold my head up high.
- Hold your head up real high.
- Yeah! And put the pedal to the metal! - Pedal to the metal! - And enjoy the ride that is my life! - Ride that is your life! - Yeah! - Here are the keys! - Here are the keys! - There they go! - There they go.
You were fantastic.
I don't understand why you're so upset about this game.
Mom, it was a disaster.
We won eight to nothing and I scored three goals.
To most people that would be a good thing.
What am I missing here? No, Mom.
I'm missing something.
Facial hair, okay? The rest of the team looks like ZZ Top and I look like a four-year-old.
(EXCLAIMS) Poor baby.
I mean, you're the best player on the team, and everyone else is gonna get those coveted facial-hair scholarships.
So what you're saying is I really shouldn't worry about my looks, and I should more or less focus on what's important in life? - Exactly.
- (SCOFFS) You're so way off.
- Hey, the goatee's coming in! - You're funny.
All right! House looks good.
You look great, honey.
- Al let you drive the Ferrari? - Bada-bing! - So how's the relationship going? - Perfect! It's like the car and I are one.
No, I mean the relationship with Al and Trudy.
Oh, Al's sitting on top of the world right now.
Do you mean that he is 100 % comfortable with accepting this expensive gift? Eighty percent, but I'll have him all the way there by Friday, guaranteed.
- Hey, buddy.
How's it going? - Well, hi ho, Al.
You look like you're getting ready for the Grand Prix.
Well, I thought I would embrace the Ferrari lifestyle.
What do you think? Well, to quote my old friend, the famous race-car driver, Stirling Moss, "You look fine.
" I stopped by to see if you'd like to take a lap around the neighborhood with me.
Well, I'd love to, but I gotta finish checking this wiring.
Well, no rush.
We still have to wait for Tim to come back from his test drive.
(CAR SPEEDING) Assuming he comes back.
I'd hate for him to run off with Trudy's generous gift.
You obviously are enjoying it very much.
Oh, I am.
I am.
I mean, at first I was a little uncomfortable, but then, Tim gave me some very deep insights.
(TIRES SCREECHING) Yeah, he said not to worry about how much the car costs.
He said even though I thought it was an inappropriate gift that I should just relax and enjoy it.
WILSON: Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
And you should've seen the look on Trudy's face when she gave it to me.
- Oh, she was so happy.
- So Trudy was happy and Tim was happy, but you don't sound so sure.
Well, this kind of puts a little pressure on the relationship.
I mean, suddenly, you know, the emotional stakes are much higher.
And what if it doesn't work out? How can I walk away without feeling guilty? You can always drive away.
You've got a really fast car.
Oh, Albert, I'm sorry.
Have you talked to Trudy about this? Oh, I can't.
I don't want to hurt her feelings.
WILSON: Well, what about you? You know, the patriot Thomas Paine said, "It is necessary "to the happiness of a man that he be faithful to himself.
" I suppose you're right.
(TIRES SCREECHING) (TIM EXCLAIMING) I have just been to heaven, where, by the way, they still give speeding tickets! Gosh, Al.
I am so glad you stopped by.
Guess what I picked up for you today? A plane? No, just driving gloves.
- Would you like a plane? - No.
Trudy, I wouldn't.
I The fact is, I really don't even want the car.
- Are you breaking up with me? - No.
- Why would you even think that? - Isn't that the first sign? The man returns the Ferrari.
Oh, no.
Trudy, I really like you.
- You do? - Oh, yeah.
I remember the first time I saw you, you had that wire in one hand, and the rat in the other hand, and I said to myself, "Oh, boy, Al! Don't let this one get away!" Wow.
You really don't care about my money and my cars - and my wine cellar? - No.
I care about you.
(STAMMERS) I just I would feel a lot more comfortable if material things didn't come between us.
I'm not letting you get away so fast, either.
"Dear Trudy, I know Al feels it's best to return the Ferrari, "and I respect that.
"In the short time I was with the car, we became very close.
"And if at any point you need someone to be its big brother, "please know that I'm here.
"Sincerely, Tim Taylor, the man who controls whether Al works weekends.
" - Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.
It just may be over.
- Al and Trudy? - No, no.
Me and the car.
Al decided it was a bit too extravagant, so he gave the Ferrari back.
I'm sorry for your loss.
It's not hopeless.
I'm petitioning to be the car's big brother.
I'm actually pretty happy.
I think Trudy's gonna be good for Al.
Yeah, I like her.
And she gave me her pheasant recipe.
(WHISTLES) Fresh pheasant, fairly fatty, fricassee it with a flick of fennel, fling it on the fire, fabulous.
- Hey, everybody.
Great news! - Hey.
Your soccer team finally lost! - We got killed.
- All right! I'm excited.
Now I don't have to grow a beard anymore.
Yeah, and when I come to your next home game, I'll actually be able to cheer you to win.
I'm excited 'cause now I can fit in with the team.
We decided to wax our legs.
Whoa, waxing! A pretty weird way for the Westside Warriors to wind their way to the World Cup.
They've known each other for about a month, and she's really nice.
I know her.
They met on Tool Time.
Don't you remember? She's that frumpy, kooky What? Yeah.
She met on Tool Time.
She came there just to be with Al.
She's that frumpy, kooky woman.
Right? - WOMAN: Okay, one more time.
- Okay.
She met him on Tool Time.
That frumpy kook that had the
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