Home Improvement s08e06 Episode Script


- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Dad.
- Happy Halloween.
- Wow, is it Halloween already? Geez! It slipped my mind.
Before you guys go, - would one of you get me some juice? - Okay.
Oh, cute, Dad.
Nice head.
- Cute? - Did I say cute? I meant terrifying! BOTH: Ooh! - That didn't shock you at all? - I tried to be scared.
Dad, you gotta face it.
It's a fact of life, you know? - People grow up.
- How do you explain me? I gave up a long time ago.
- Good morning, sweetie.
- TIM: Good morning! I have so many things to do today, I don't even know where to get started.
Hey, you could start off with a nice hot, relaxing cup of tea.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Oh, my God! Today is Halloween! I almost forgot.
I gotta go pick up those costumes before Wilson's party tonight.
- Honey? - What? Oh! I'm sorry, honey.
That was really an adorable gag.
I've heard this happened to other guys my age.
But I just never thought it would happen to me.
I can't perform.
You were great last night.
Not that! Gags! I used to be the king of pranks on Halloween.
So far today, nothing.
Well, look, you got 16 hours left.
I'm sure you can come up with something totally gross and disgusting.
- You're just saying that.
- No, no.
I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
But really, I gotta go pick up those costumes for the party, okay? I'll see you later.
Oh! Oh, man! That was so really scary! Today, in the spirit of Halloween, we're gonna take a fresh look at a room in the house that's gotten a pretty bad name.
The torture chamber.
You know, I don't really call it a torture chamber, I call it a room of misunderstood machines.
- Misunderstood? - Yes.
To "The Tool Man," there's no bad machines, there's just bad people.
I mean, any device in the wrong hands can cause pain and suffering.
Well, you certainly prove that every week.
Can we take a look at our first device over here? - What's wrong with your hands? - Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Just fell asleep backstage.
I'll do this Probably be up all night now.
All right.
Now, look at this.
You don't see craftsmanship like this anymore.
Thank goodness! This happens to be a rack.
It was used to pull people apart.
But not today! Today it's a lovely fabric stretcher.
Just follow me.
Let's say you've shrunk your wife's favorite sweater, right? A few cranks on this bad boy, it is good as new.
If your wife happens to be an orangutan.
Don't rule it out, buddy.
Your old clock is ticking, Al.
And I mean that in a very nice way.
(THUDS) (CRACKLING) You know, I'm not falling for this ridiculously fake arm for one second! What are you talking about, fake arms? I have a pinched nerve.
You laughing at that? Never mind him.
Now look over here.
A perfect example of a French Revolution guillotine.
All right.
I'm gonna play along about this fake arm.
Okay, Tim! Now, you want to be very careful with this machine, you know? Because it can be very, very dangerous.
Does this look like a fake arm? Is this fake to you? It looks pretty real to me! Fake arm.
It took two people to operate the guillotine.
(SPEAKS FRENCH) You put I a tĂȘte in here.
- La tĂȘte? - And then you pull this here.
(SCREAMING) The pain! The pain! Are you happy now? Can we go on with the rest of the show? I need to scare somebody.
Didn't it scare anybody? Oh, well, I Yes, I was I'm sure our audience was terrified.
Let's have a big hand for Tim "The Scary Man" Taylor! That was very scary! As a matter of fact, let's have a hand for his big, stupid, fat (SCREAMING) I'm the king, baby! I'm the king! I'm just about finished splitting the wood for your party.
Well, thank you, neighbor.
You know, I'm very anxious to get your opinion of this woman I've been dating.
Oh, she's great.
Just don't marry her.
- Oh, you haven't even met her.
- Doesn't matter.
(LAUGHS) Neighbor, you are a yuck a minute.
WILSON: See? Even Mozart's got a sense of humor.
TIM: Maybe you should put Mozart on the TV show and have him Oh! Wilson, help, help, help! Oh! Oh, I put Oh, my God, Tim! Put direct pressure on it.
I'll call 911.
Wait a minute.
Hold on.
- You know what you should do first? - Yes? Yes? Let's see if the shoe fits you.
Oh, my God, Tim! Are you trying to kill me? Tim, are you trying to kill me? Tim, are you trying to kill me? - I mean, I nearly had a heart attack.
- You're not just saying that? - Well, I'm still hyperventilating.
- I am the king! I'm the king! (CAT MEOWS) Tim, leave the cat alone.
(CAT HISSING) TIM: It keeps hissing at me! Happy Halloween, Wilson.
- Oh, Jill, you look bewitching.
- Thank you.
Maybe later tonight we can go home and make some Munchkins.
Wow! Nice hook.
- Is that cold-forged carbon steel? - It was my grandma's.
Tim, I'd like you to meet my attorney, Morgan Billingham.
He's helping me re-do my will.
I hope that's a mask! Well, Happy Halloween! That is something else, Al.
It's like a moth on steroids.
What happened? All this coming from a monkey with clam dip on his tail? Made you look! Jill, Tim, I'd like you to meet Agatha, my special friend.
- Hi, Agatha.
Tim Taylor.
- AGATHA: Hello.
Gee! I thought I was your special friend.
See, Agatha's the woman I've been dating.
- Oh, it's so nice to finally meet you.
- Good evening.
Well, I'll let you all get acquainted and go spice up me brew.
- Nice cloak.
Are you a vampire? - I'm a witch.
Oh! Me, too.
Bibbidi bobbidi boo! - Where's your hat? - I don't wear hats.
I'm a real witch.
I'm a real flying monkey.
So, a real witch.
What kind of witch are you? I'm a Dianic witch.
I realized my power 12 years ago.
Now I'm a high priestess at the Society of Sisterhood coven.
Well, you know what they say Nothing says loving like something from the coven.
Tim, I just had my palm read.
Guess who I was in a former life? An Irish lap dancer.
Oh, save me some punch.
Love some punch.
I hope you didn't make it, because I'm eye-of-newt intolerant.
You seem to be intolerant of quite a bit.
No, I'm actually I tolerate quite a bit You know, that's water-based.
Better be careful.
You might melt.
You have no idea who you're dealing with, do you? Come on, lady.
Talk to the hand.
Talk to the hand.
A witch is one you should not test or else her wrath will never rest.
(HISSES) Great party.
So, what's with Agatha? Oh, you think she's odd, don't you? Well, I don't know.
"Odd" is kind of a strong word.
Confusing, interesting, and kind of Oh, Tim, you think she's mildly delusional.
I think she's a certifiable nut case, to be honest with you.
I find her a little bit peculiar myself.
Why is she still your special friend, then? Tim, I've tried to break up with her three times, but she won't take no for an answer.
I mean, have you ever dated a woman who scared you? I mean, if you were in my position, what would you do? Well, like you would tell me.
I mean You gotta be honest, straightforward.
Tell her that it's just, you know, nicely, that it's over.
- Yes.
- And if that doesn't work, drop a house on her.
You'll never guess what the palm reader told me.
That you were Cleopatra in your last life.
That I have a nice butt.
Better be careful.
He'll be reading the back of my palm, I'll tell you that.
(CHUCKLING) Well, I just steered Wilson's romantic life in the right direction.
- What are you talking about? - Well, he wasn't getting along with his new special friend.
So I suggested he just call it off.
Tim, you shouldn't be butting into his personal life! I can't believe he listened to you! We're very close friends, you know? He trusts me.
We talk about emotional stuff.
You know, I'm a lot more perceptive than you give me credit for.
- Really? - Yes.
Your tail's on fire.
Wilson's phone is still busy.
It's probably Agatha trying to yak her way back into his life.
Hey, guys.
When's dinner? I'm starving.
We're waiting for Wilson.
He was supposed to be here for dinner (SIGHS) This is not like Wilson.
He's usually very punctual.
Well, maybe the wind shifted, he caught a whiff of your meat loaf.
Why don't you go over to Wilson's house and see what's keeping him? - Okay.
- Okay.
And, honey, while I'm gone, spray something in here.
Oh, what happened here? Wilson? Wilson? Hidey ho! Hidey ho! - Scared me, Mozart! - Scared me.
Scared me.
Wilson! What's your hat doing here? MOZART: A witch's wrath will never rest, never rest, never rest.
Something is really weird over at Wilson's house.
Well, duh.
It looks like it was broken into.
The house has been ransacked.
In the middle of the floor there's a bunch of these candles sitting around, and underneath his hat is Agatha's necklace.
Oh, my God! What do you think is happening? Well, I think Agatha, that hex nut, has done something to Wilson.
I'm gonna call the police.
It's number three on the speed dial, there.
Who's Agatha? She's that witch that Wilson was dating.
Mom, it's okay.
I'm old enough.
You can say the "B" word.
I'd like to report a break-in.
And a missing person.
It's 508 Glenview Road.
I'm the next-door neighbor.
It's Tim Taylor.
What's the name of the missing person? Wilson Wilson.
- We'll be right over.
- Thanks.
We're all set.
WILSON: Thanks for helping me out.
Now we're gonna find out who's really the king.
Well, the police are on their way over.
Well, maybe we should meet them over there, okay? No, no, no.
What if somebody's in the house? That's good.
That's good.
You guys stay here.
I'll go over there.
But I'm gonna need some protection, guys.
Well, that's a great weapon if you're attacked by a brisket.
Hook, line and sinker.
You were great.
No, no, no.
You were great.
Reprogramming that speed dial was a touch of genius.
I am the queen.
So when was the last time you saw Mr.
Wilson? Uh, last night at the party.
He was wearing his grandmother's hook.
He likes hooks.
You like kitchen utensils.
Drop them.
Do you know of anyone who might hold a grudge against Mr.
Wilson? Yeah.
This Agatha.
- You got a last name? - No.
Can you give me a description? Yeah.
She was about 5'7", blonde hair, good-looking, a witch.
A witch? I better call the boys from the Emerald City precinct.
No, no, no.
She said she was a real witch.
Do we have anything to link her to the crime scene? A black cat? A broom? How about her amulet that she wore around her neck? It's right here.
Hey, look at that.
It's my fez.
I've been looking all over for this thing.
Your fez? What happened to the amulet? Well - I had it in my hand.
- You tampered with the crime scene? I did not know it was a crime.
I did not know it at the time.
Seuss claims there was a witch.
Got something here, Roberts.
Taylor, were you aware that Mr.
Wilson had recently changed his will? Yes! Yes! Yes! I met the lawyer at the party! Yeah, he had big ears.
Probably came in handy at the hearings.
Are you also aware that in his new will you're named as sole beneficiary? I'm his special friend.
And possibly his wealthy friend.
You stand to receive substantial cash assets and a uranium mine in Brazil.
I didn't know Wilson was rich.
Special friend had no idea.
That's a new one.
People like you make me sick! You expect us to believe that you lived next door to this guy all these years and had no idea he was loaded? Calm down, MacIntyre.
You just got your badge back.
Guys, guys, forget about me.
Shouldn't we be looking for Wilson? Yeah.
We'll get that in motion as soon as you give us some more information.
- Now, look, Tim.
Can I call you Tim? - I'd like that.
You really had no idea about your neighbor's financial situation? No, no.
I mean, he's a real simple guy.
He eats squirrel.
And he's been wearing the same hat for 15 years.
Yeah! And that bothered you, didn't it, Taylor? Starsky, what's with Hutch over here? Tragic tale.
Are you guys accusing me of something? No, no.
We'd never consider you a suspect until we had some hard evidence.
Property of Tim Taylor.
You have the right to remain silent (STUTTERING) Hold it.
That's a Halloween prank.
I just used that, you know, to scare Wilson.
Well, perhaps you scared him to death.
I am the king.
All right, Mr.
Taylor, let's run through it one more time.
We've got your fingerprints on the back door, a will leaving everything to you A crime scene you've tampered with, and a bloody ax with your name on it.
Okay, back off, McGarrett.
Danno! - You've also got my theory.
- Right.
- A witch did it.
- Right.
You see, I told Wilson that she was a little nutty, and he might consider breaking off the relationship.
Oh, so you're a buttinski, too? Back off, will you, Baretta? My point is, I think she's doing this to get back at Wilson, and she's blaming me to cover her tracks.
So you're saying you had nothing to do with Mr.
Wilson's disappearance.
I wouldn't do anything to my friend Wilson.
You're killing me, Tim.
You're killing me, Tim.
Oh, I'd like to kill that damn bird.
This one's a sicko! Taking you down would be worth my badge, pal! Easy, MacIntyre.
Tim's coming! - We'd better hide! - JILL: Hide! In the broom closet! Broom closet! Broom closet! There! There.
What's going on? Well, McMillan and Wife think I had something to do with his disappearance.
- You? - My name is MacIntyre.
- I'm Roberts.
- I'm Taylor.
I told him about the witch.
Tell them about the witch at the party.
She seemed very nice.
Can you corroborate your husband's whereabouts during the time of Mr.
Wilson's disappearance? Oh, yes, I can.
He was with me the whole time.
Thank you, honey.
Except for that 45 minutes in the middle of the night.
- I was in the bathroom.
- Alone? Believe me, nobody would go in there with him.
You were in the bathroom for 45 minutes? I had the annual hot rod issue.
So for 45 minutes you have no alibi? Thank you, Brad.
I think we're ready to take you down to the station for some more questioning.
You can't do that.
He's innocent.
It's that crazy witch.
That's the one that did this.
Better come outside.
There's something you should see.
(LAUGHS) Good going, guys.
That's the witch, right there.
Witch? Mary's from our crime lab.
No, no, no.
That's Wilson's girlfriend.
She was at the party.
That's the witch, right? Well, there is a slight resemblance.
Slight resemblance Agatha, right? I don't know what you're talking about.
What I do know is this is now officially a murder investigation.
- Murder? - Murder? Are you saying that Wilson's dead? Yes.
Wilson's dead, and you're under arrest for his murder.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
I'm innocent.
I've been framed, here.
Honey, say something about We just need a positive ID on the body.
- Body? - AGATHA: Bring it in.
- Is this Mr.
Wilson? - JILL: Oh, God! Yeah.
- Why'd you do it, Dad? - I didn't do anything.
Boo! (SCREAMS) - He never saw it coming! - Got ya! HEIDI: You are the king.
I am the king! Little Mozart.
Little Mozart.
Little Mozart! Where are you? TIM: Hey, Wilson! He's up here! Somehow he got out of the cage.
He's up here on this wire! Tim, you be careful! It's okay.
I got him.
He's right next to me.
Come here, Mozart! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa (WIRE BUZZING) Oh, my God! Oh, Lord! Tim! Tim! Tim, are you all right? Tim? (SCREAMS) - Who's the king now? - Tim's the king.
Tim's the king.

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