Home Improvement s08e10 Episode Script

Thanks, But No Thanks

Good morning, Mr.
How are you enjoying sleeping in Harry's back room? No windows, no air, no heat - No charge.
- No complaints.
You know, that's where I sleep when I tell Dolores I'm visiting my sister.
- I didn't know you had a sister.
- I don't.
I won't be staying long.
I just need a little time to put some things together, then, I'm back on my feet.
It's my brother.
Hey, remember, not a word to him about me staying back there.
Why do you guys always act like I'm a moron? I'll explain later when I have time to talk really slow.
Good morning, guys.
Hey, Marty.
Hey, Tim.
Can't talk.
New job.
Gotta go! TIM: Call me later! What's his new job? He's working down at Stu's Fish Market deveining shrimp.
- Why's his hair all wet? - Sometimes they fight back.
No, no, no.
He's helping me test out some of those new high-powered shower heads.
The Binford 6100.
(GRUNTING) Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's a great thing.
You switch it over to pulse, it'll blow the hair right off your legs.
Oh, by the way, Harry, when do you want me for Thanksgiving? I don't want you at all, but if you have to be there, be there at 2:00.
I'll bum a ride with Marty.
Marty? Marty's taking his family to your house for Thanksgiving? No, just Marty.
Dolores frightens the children.
Wait a minute.
Our family always spends Thanksgiving together.
Now Marty's going to your house for Thanksgiving.
He's taking a shower in the hardware store.
- Guys, what's up? - I'm not at liberty to say.
There's a donut in it for you.
Marty and Nancy split up and Marty's sleeping at the store.
I knew they were having trouble, but how did it come to this? Well, in my view, Nancy projected repressed paternal conflicts onto the relationship, while Marty was still grappling with intimacy issues.
You watch too much Oprah.
Why is he telling Benny this stuff and not me? Because Marty feels like he's hit rock bottom.
Then, when he sees Benny, he remembers what rock bottom really looks like.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sending a Thanksgiving meal to Randy in Costa Rica.
He can run, but he just can't hide.
I didn't cook it, I bought it.
Well, then, he really has something to be thankful for.
Very funny.
- How was your day? - Not so good.
Did you know that Marty is sleeping at the hardware store? So you're jealous Harry didn't ask you first? I'm serious.
He and Nancy have split up.
- Oh, no.
What did he say? - I had to learn this from Benny.
Why wouldn't Marty bring this information to me? Well, he's afraid you're gonna criticize him.
Remember the last time when Marty and Nancy were fighting? - I was totally supportive.
- You called him a gutless loser.
In a very supportive way.
Honey, if you want to help your brother, you're gonna have to realize this is gonna be a very tough time for him.
You have to bend over backwards.
You have to be supportive.
You have to be non-judgmental.
I gotta be supportive and non-judgmental, but he gets to stay in a hardware store.
Where's the justice in that? (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Hey, Tim.
- Hey, Marty.
Glad you're open.
Now I don't have to go downtown to score that bag of wood screws.
Harry's been looking for a night watchman, you know? And, I mean, I'm just kind of giving him a hand.
Intimidating uniform.
You should've seen me before I put the shorts on.
I know about you and Nancy.
Benny sold you out.
- Free sandwich? - Fresh donut.
Is there any way you guys can work this out? I don't think so.
You know, we went into counseling to try to fix the marriage, but, well, we both realized we were just looking for a way out.
This is gonna be really hard on you and the kids.
Marriage hasn't worked for a long time.
She thought I didn't make enough money.
She said I wasn't ambitious enough.
- Come on, Marty.
That's ridiculous.
- I know.
I mean, I think I do pretty good for myself.
Don't you? Yeah.
Well, you're young, you're smart, you're talented, you're Eating peanut butter with a putty knife.
But you got great legs.
Have you had a chance to talk to the girls? Oh, a little bit, you know.
I mean, Nancy gets them one week.
I'm supposed to get them the next.
- Obviously, I can't bring them here.
- Why didn't you just call me? - You could've stayed at my place.
- No.
I didn't want to impose.
You're not imposing.
You're family.
You know, with Randy out of the country, we got a spare room.
- I mean, you could stay there right now.
- That'd be great.
Yeah, and when you get the girls, they can stay there, too.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You think Jill will be okay with it? - Yeah, sure.
There's nothing more important to Jill than family.
And we want you to spend Thanksgiving with us at Mom's.
But you've got to put some pants on.
You guys are the best.
- Well, I'll meet you at my house.
- Thanks, man.
You bet.
But it must be great spending the night with all these tools, huh? Waking up with the fresh smell of solvents.
(SIGHS) A rack of ball cocks.
But why dream, you know? Jill's never gonna toss me out.
- Hi, guys.
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, that smells great.
- Well, thank you.
Well, I'll have you know, I talked to Marty.
I was very supportive.
I told him we'd do anything we could to help him.
- I knew you had it in you.
- You'd be real proud of me.
I reminded him that he's family and he might as well just stay at our house.
- You told Marty that he could live here? - With us? Well, just until he gets steady work and gets back on his feet.
When was the last time Uncle Marty had a steady job? I don't even think we were born yet.
Hey, hey.
He's got a great job now.
He's gonna be huge in shrimp.
I don't think it's a big problem to have another person here.
He could sleep in Randy's room.
Well, actually, it might be better if he stayed in Brad's room.
(CLEARS THROAT) Wait, wait.
My room? Well, because the girls would like to be close to their father and they'd have to stay in Mark's room.
- My room? - The girls? Well, he gets the girls every other week, so I said that they could stay here, too.
- Okay.
Where am I supposed to sleep? - Randy's room.
- And where am I supposed to sleep? - Randy's room.
Wait, wait, wait.
Don't we get any say in this? Brad, Marty is family.
When family's in trouble, we gotta pull together.
Dad, I'm family.
Okay? And I don't like the thought of sleeping in a room with Mark.
You think you got it bad, I gotta stay with you.
Guys, look, just let me talk to your dad for a minute, okay? - Yeah, this really sucks.
- Don't talk to your father like that.
This really sucks! You know, I love those girls and I love Marty, but how could you invite three people to live here without even talking to me? - Without talking to the boys? - I couldn't help it.
It just happened.
You said, "Bend over backwards.
" Well, if I bend over any further backwards, I'm gonna be staring myself in the butt.
I was just trying to be sensitive.
Well, you have to be sensitive to us, too.
This is an enormous change.
Three people moving in with us, turning our lives upside down.
- We can handle this.
- No, "We"? When it comes to handling things like this, "we" means "me.
" Honey, that's just with our children.
I can't agree to this until we work out the details.
- I've worked out all the details.
- Really? Really? Okay, who is gonna watch those girls when Marty is working? Don't know.
Are the boys gonna get to move back in their rooms - when the girls aren't here? - Don't know.
Do you even know when they're gonna be moving in? (DOORBELL RINGS) No way.
We're not ready for Tim! - Hey.
- Hi, Uncle Tim.
Hi, guys.
Here you go, Mark.
Until Dad puts in the bunk bed, I'm lending you my good sleeping bag.
In other words, you get the bed.
Yeah, of course.
The older brother always gets the bed.
- That's not fair.
- Okay.
Stronger brother, better looking brother.
Hey, I've got a million of them.
Yeah? Well, I'm smarter.
Then how come you're sleeping on the floor? Man, I still can't believe Mom and Dad are kicking us out of our own rooms.
I know.
Just because Uncle Marty's life is messed up doesn't mean ours has to be.
We should stand up for our rights.
- Hey, guys, I want to say something.
- Wait.
Let me guess.
You've got the cats moving in, too, right? No.
Actually, I want to say thanks.
I know you gotta hate being shuffled around.
I just I really appreciate you putting up with us.
Well Other families, kids might not be so understanding.
Yeah, we're just givers.
- So does that mean I get the bed? - No fricking way.
- Daddy.
- Well, honey, what are you doing? - Why'd you get up? - I had a bad dream.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
You want me to come up and read you a story? - Okay.
- Okay.
- Good night, Brad.
- Good night, Claire.
- Good night, Mark.
- Good night.
Come on.
Well, I think we made a statement.
Girls, how come you're not eating your pancakes? - They're not like Mom's.
- I used the same recipe as Mom.
How come they don't taste the same? Look, I don't have time for this, okay? It doesn't matter if they don't taste the same.
You gotta eat them anyway, okay? Besides, your dad forgot the secret ingredient he always puts on pancakes, remember? Chocolate chips.
Makes starchy little animals.
Look at that.
You got the dalmatians, huh? Look at this.
What do you got there? Oh, it's an alien with zits.
Look at that.
- Cool.
- Thanks, Uncle Tim.
- Thanks, man.
You're a lifesaver.
- You bet.
Kids, I gotta go to work.
- I'll see you later, okay? - What are you doing today? Tim got me some handyman work in Ferndale.
Hey, you sure you don't mind driving the girls to school? - No, it's fine.
It's fine.
- Okay, thanks.
- Oh, man.
I forgot to make their lunch.
- Got up early.
I made it myself.
I knew just what they wanted.
You got the Spam and squid sandwiches, right? You guys are unbelievable.
- I mean, how am I gonna repay you? - Your watch.
- Go on.
Go on.
- Have a good day, Marty.
I am so impressed with you.
I've been working with chocolate chips for years.
Here I thought I was gonna have to do all the work, - and you're just taking charge.
- I love taking charge.
Mommy used to kiss Daddy like that.
Well, she doesn't do it very often.
- I thought that was a children's book.
- No.
The Secret Garden is a children's book.
You had My Secret Garden.
I don't even want you to read that book.
- Hi, guys.
- TIM: Marty.
- JILL: Hey, Marty.
You want some pie? - Yeah, thanks.
Sorry I'm late.
I was working overtime.
Girls give you any trouble? - No.
- No.
They were angels.
- I helped them with their homework.
- Then I corrected it.
Then we put them to bed.
Sounds like you guys didn't miss a beat.
Listen, I'm gonna go upstairs.
They can never seem to fall asleep unless I read them a story first.
- Already done.
- They're sound asleep.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no, no.
That's great.
I ended up reading them the Al Unser story.
Now let's talk about the inside of your house.
Let's say you have an interior wall that you want to spruce up, make it a little more fun.
That's right.
If you want to cover a dull, unattractive surface, sponge painting is a great option.
Or you can grow a beard.
To begin with, all you actually need is a latex paint-glaze mix, - a sea sponge.
- See? Sponge.
It's a fun project the kids would enjoy trying to spruce up their own rooms.
And to show you how much fun it would be for children, I invited two kids on the show today.
My nieces, Claire and Gracie Taylor.
- Okay, girls.
Are you ready to paint? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- All right, before we do that, I want you to look into the camera and tell the audience out there what Uncle Tim says whenever he starts a project.
- "Ow, that hurts"? - Come on.
What's he say? "Call 911"? (TIM MOANS) - What did I say backstage? - "Al, your mom's fat.
" - You girls are doing a great job.
- Thanks, Al.
And I don't think your mom's fat.
Harry, you got some joint compound? - Come look.
Your girls are on TV.
- You're kidding.
- TIM: Well, girls, I love your work.
- Boy, Tim is great with those kids.
He sure is.
Hey, if Marty's not coming to your house for Thanksgiving, - who's gonna give me a ride? - I'll have my sister pick you up.
We're losing him.
We're losing him.
Run towards the honey pot.
Come on.
Come on.
Wake up.
You got so much to live for! Don't choke him, shock him! Oh, good idea.
(MAKING BUZZING NOISE) Do you have an eight? I win.
You're the old maid.
I hate that term.
It is so old-fashioned.
You know, women today don't need to be with men to feel completely fulfilled.
You're just mad because you lost.
- TIM: Hey, Marty.
- Daddy.
Come here.
Hey, can you two kids go upstairs for a minute? I need to talk to your Uncle Tim and Aunt Jill.
- Okay.
- Go on.
So what's going on? Well, first I want to say thanks for everything.
But we don't want to impose anymore.
I'm gonna move the girls back in with their mom.
You don't have to do that.
We love having you here.
We don't want to overstay our welcome.
- You're not overstaying your welcome.
- Well, I think it's a problem.
- Really, it's not a problem.
- Yeah, but it is with me, okay? So I'm gonna go upstairs and I'm gonna pack their bags.
Marty, you don't have anyplace else to go.
Well, then, I'll figure something out.
What's that all about? Well, obviously something about them being here is bothering him.
Well, I don't want to figure it out.
I bent over backwards for him.
I've been sensitive.
I've changed my whole personality.
And we were all very grateful for that.
I'm worried about the girls.
How are they gonna feel? You know, about having to move out of here so suddenly? - I think you should go talk to Marty.
- I'm tired of fixing things for him.
And I'm tired of talking with him.
What are you gonna say to him at Thanksgiving at your mom's? What I say every year.
"You touch that drumstick, you're gonna lose a hand.
" Happy Thanksgiving, Marty.
- Yeah.
You, too, Tim.
- We missed you at Mom's, so she made you a little care package.
Oh, thanks.
I already have some.
I hope you got the one with the dehydrated pumpkin pie.
The way you ran out of my house, I didn't even want to come talk to you, but Mom said it's Thanksgiving and we should just clear the air.
Look, I'm not really comfortable talking about this, okay? Oh, yeah, right.
Like I'm real comfortable talking about another man's feelings.
- What's going on with you? - There's nothing going on with me.
Okay? That's the point.
I work 60 hours a week, all I got to show for it is a case of shrimp forks.
You're going through a rough stretch, that's all.
I've been going through a rough stretch for 33 years.
I mean, come on, I've worked with so many jerks over the years, I'm lucky I don't have a chip on my shoulder.
You've probably got your hands full with that bug up your butt.
Okay, so I'm a little bitter.
I mean, it's easy for you to say.
- You've always been successful.
- Easy for me to say? Martin, how about when Dad died? Was it easy for me taking care of everybody? How about working two jobs to get through college? How about raising three kids on a junior salesman's salary, huh? Oh, well.
Obviously, you can handle it and I can't! That's not what I was saying.
No, you're more successful at your marriage! I wasn't saying that, Marty! - You're more successful at your career.
- Marty.
Now I find out you're better at raising my kids.
Is that what this is about, Marty? Come on, it's always easier raising somebody else's kids.
You know, when Claire and Gracie see you and Nancy, they see a couple in pain.
When they see me and Jill, they see a guy shocking the stuffing out of a teddy bear and a bitter old maid.
Nancy was right.
You know, I'm never gonna get back on my feet.
I'm just gonna go from one stupid job to the next.
They're not stupid jobs when you're using the money to support your family.
You should be proud of that.
That's a time when a lot of guys just cut and run.
You're facing responsibilities.
That's something to be admired.
And I admire that.
Come on.
Let's eat something.
Mom made a nice plate for you.
- You brought the drumstick.
- That's right, and the wing for you.
You're right.
Your house is freezing cold.
Well, I think the pilot light went off in my furnace.
Would you mind going down in the basement and taking a look? Well, yeah, but, you know, you can do this yourself.
WILSON: Well, I don't like to go down there.
It's big and it's damp.
- The place gives me the creeps.
- TIM: Love basements.
Love the creeps.
There it is, Wilson! I found your furnace! You got a light down here or something? There should be a pull chain right over the furnace.
TIM: Interesting.
You know, Wilson, if you were to drop the ceiling just a scosh, you'd have a heck of a rec room down here.
Foosball table, ping-pong, the whole nine yards.
Mommy used to kiss Daddy like that.
And look what happened to them.
Guys, let me just Let me just talk to your dad for a minute, okay? (GIGGLING)
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