Home Improvement s08e11 Episode Script

Home For The Holidays

Merry Christmas and welcome to Tool Time.
We're live on Al's rooftop.
Now, here's the star of the show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Thank you, Heidi.
I am Tim Well, "The Yule Man" Taylor.
And, of course, you all know my assistant, Al "Be Home for Christmas Just Like Every Other Night" Borland.
Well, today, we're gonna show you the proper way of putting up Christmas lights on your roof.
- Heidi here's installing a GFI outlet.
- A GFI is a ground fault interrupter.
It prevents people from being shocked, something I know an awful lot about.
Now, I've already done the wiring.
I brought the conduit in from the attic.
Make sure that the lighting strands and the extension cords are heavy-duty UL-approved and marked for outdoor use.
That prevents electrical fires, something else I know an awful lot about.
That's right.
And Al and I have taken the ultimate safety precaution.
We're not allowing Tim to do any of the work.
Anyway, I'm especially excited about decorating this year.
This is my first Christmas in my new house.
Actually, it isn't your house.
He rents it from me, so it would be my house.
Well, technically, I Technically, the windows are mine, the roof is mine, the house is mine.
Getting into the holiday spirit early, I see.
Windows, bathtub, sinks, faucets.
Mine, mine, mine, mine.
Aren't they, Al? Mine, mine, mine Well, this actually is my first Christmas - Mine, mine, mine! - in Tim's neighborhood, which makes me eligible for the annual lighting contest.
I'm shaking in my Sorels! But in the spirit of healthy competition, I've decided to give Al some of my cool decorations from last year.
- Well, thank you, Tim.
- It's nothing.
I'll say.
We got some tangled lights and a melted elf.
Well, actually, he prefers melted little person.
Speaking of melted things, we'll be right back after these words from Saginaw Cheese.
Cheese, it's good! DIRECTOR: We're clear! All right, everybody.
Look, I need two Thank you, Milton.
All right.
Wendy, would you get some powder up here on Al's nose? He looks like a glazed donut.
Well, Tim, I'm not gonna need your throwaway decorations.
I'm gonna win with my own.
Al, I've seen your Christmas bonus.
I don't think so.
I may not have as much money as you do for decorations, - but I have a partner.
- A partner? - Hello.
- Hey, Trudy! - Your girlfriend's your partner? - Yes, she is.
- Hi.
- Hi.
The rest of the decorations have arrived and they're really cute.
In this competition, cute doesn't cut it, sister.
- I think we'll be fine.
- Wow.
What is that? Hey, Mrs.
That red's so slimming on you.
Okay, we got the graham crackers for the window shutters, and the licorice for the gutters.
I just need those Red Hots for the doorknobs.
Where are they? They used to be right here.
Hide the box.
What are you doing? Taking candy from his younger cousins.
He should be ashamed of himself.
Nice try, Cinnamon Breath.
You should be ashamed of yourself for selling out your brother.
And yet, oddly, I feel great.
(LAUGHING) Go to the store and get me some more.
- Okay, now, where were we? - Oh, no.
- Claire put her shutters on backwards.
- I wanted to do it like Uncle Tim.
- Good girl.
- Merry Christmas, everybody.
- Hey.
- Look at our gingerbread house.
Ta-da! - Who supervised the construction? - I did.
Who gave you your permits? - Mrs.
- Well, licorice gutters That's not for the gutters, it's supposed to be for the plumbing.
I think maybe I better get my hands on this.
- No! We want it to last till Christmas.
- Why, you No, no, no! Away! So how did it go at Al's? Well, Tool Time was all right.
Al has resorted to cheating for the Christmas lighting contest.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.
Al's not half the cheater you are.
So you had your Christmas with your mom this morning? - Yeah, we got lots of presents.
- Great.
Aunt Jill, what do you like most about Christmas? Well, I like the whole spirit of the holiday.
Peace on Earth, goodwill towards men.
Borland's Santa's toast.
- What is that? - What does it look like? It's a wise man with a harpoon gun.
'Tis the season to be packing.
- Hey.
- Where have you guys been? Dad sent us over to Al's to check out his roof decorations.
See, I am so proud to spy for you for Christmas, the holiest holiday of the year.
Cut the crap.
What did it look like? It's awesome.
His nativity scene's more convincing than the original.
All right, here's the plan.
Take Bobby Ram Dass, put him on the roof and sight him in.
All right? I'm gonna get some high-powered binoculars and meet you out there.
Okay, which one of you girls wants to put the Christmas tree angel up? What's wrong? Are you scared to get up on the ladder? I'll hold you up there.
We always used to put the angel up with Mommy and Daddy.
And now they're fighting.
I am so sorry.
Look, I know that this must be awful for you guys.
But, you know, there's one really good thing about your new arrangement, and that is you get to have two Christmases.
You get to have two whole sets of presents.
Oh, yeah.
Feliz Navidad, everybody.
- Hey! Hey! Hey! - JILL: Randy! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What are you doing? Oh, my God! - I sent all your presents to Costa Rica! - That's all right.
How did you get here? Well, you know, Lauren had some extra bonus miles, and I thought, "I can't spend Christmas without my mom and dad.
" Yeah! Huh? He gets to spend Christmas with his mom and dad? Claire! I'll be right back.
This is their first Christmas since the separation, and they're not really taking it that well.
But you're looking great.
You gotta get out here.
Baby Jesus is smoking.
I'll be right back.
- Look, Randy's here.
- Hey, Randy, what's going on? - Brad! - I'll catch you later, man.
- Hey, Randy, I heard you were back.
- TIM: Mark, grab the fire extinguisher! - Bye.
- Okay.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you, too, Randy.
Have a cookie.
Don't mind if I do.
Oh, my God! Randy, I thought I told you that Mark and Brad are pigs.
The family I'm staying with has pigs, and believe me, they're a lot neater.
Well, I know the conditions aren't ideal, but at least you'll get to bond with your brothers.
(PHONE RINGING) Yeah, I'm just a little afraid of what we'll be bonding with.
Oh, God! Well, if it gets really bad, you can crash on the couch upstairs.
Mom, Grandma's on the phone.
Guys, will you clean up this pigsty now? Yeah.
We'll get right on it.
(DOOR CLOSES) (SIGHS) Man, that was awesome what you did to Dad on the roof.
Gosh, you nailed him with that fire extinguisher.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
How'd you get Dad? Oh, you're not gonna believe this, Randy.
First, he snuck up behind Dad, right? And then, he And then, Dad Oh, man, that was funny.
- Well, I guess you had to be there.
- So how's Puerto Rico? Costa Rica.
Then, I guess you didn't get my letters.
Oh, you know what we should do? We should turn the lights out tonight at the same time, so Dad thinks he's blown a circuit.
Oh, yeah.
That would get him back for making us spy on Al.
Hey, guys, where's my good sports coat? I need it for church tonight.
- I think it's over there.
- It's a little wrinkled.
A little wrinkled? It looks like the oldest lady in our village.
Wipe your feet off, everybody.
Oh, that was a wonderful service.
What did everybody think about the sermon? I thought it was too short.
I could have used another half hour.
You were gone during the sermon.
Where were you? I was in the sacristy, having a moment of private prayer.
Did you pray for a chili cheese dog? My prayers were answered.
Hey, everybody, gather around the tree.
It's Christmas Eve.
We get to open a present.
- All right! - Oh, here.
Open mine.
I got everyone something really special.
Do you mind if the girls open theirs first? - I promised them they could do that.
- No, that's fine.
- All right.
All right, girls.
- And then off to bed.
- Toolboxes? - Cool.
They're from the Little Miss Binford collection.
- Thanks, Uncle Tim.
- Merry Christmas, you guys.
- Okay, okay, off to bed.
- I don't want to go to bed.
Can I bring my toolbox? No, no, no.
You take them upstairs, you'll start hitting each other in the head.
Save that for Christmas morning.
Can Aunt Jill read us a bedtime story? Oh, I can do even better than that.
I can tell you a story about Christmas when I was a little girl.
No, thank you.
They get smarter every year.
Don't wait for me.
Be up in a minute! (SIGHS) It's a pity those poor girls can't have their whole family together.
Oh, Ma, please.
Don't start.
- Don't use that tone with Mother.
- There was no tone.
- Tone.
- There was no tone! - Tim, what do you think? - I think all these wrenches are metric.
All I'm saying, Marty, is that it's a shame that you couldn't have worked something out, at least for the holidays.
Right, Tim? I wonder how big my head is in metric? Look, Nancy's the one who's being impossible.
And there's nothing I can do about that.
And so, to compensate for your inadequacy, you lash out at the woman who gave you life.
You should be ashamed.
Shouldn't he, Tim? That's one sizable melon.
Look at that baby, huh? Look, guys, why don't we just open up some more gifts, huh? - TIM: There's a good idea.
- Here, open mine.
Look at this.
It's to "Mom, Dad, Brad, Mark, Uncle Marty, Uncle Jeff and Grandma.
" Lot of people to be fitting in a little box like that.
Dehydrated sea monkeys? Okay.
And on the card, "A tree in Cabo Blanco rainforest is being protected in your name.
" So later on, we can go down and cut it down, huh? Great gift.
You know, Uncle Marty, I only put your name on the card instead of yours and Nancy's.
I hope that's all right.
Nancy might get the house, but you hang on to that tree.
Oh! - Those poor, poor girls.
- Mom, stop.
It's my fault.
I shouldn't have brought it up.
It's nobody's fault.
Come on.
Let's open some more gifts.
- What about that? - Yeah.
Open ours.
All right, cool.
Yo, Randy.
Mark and I went in just the two of us 'cause you weren't here.
You guys went all out on the wrapping paper again, didn't you? A chasing light set.
This is great.
- Yeah, for the manger on the roof.
- However, there's no lights in the box.
That's because they're already up there.
No way! You turn those babies on, it's gonna be a Disco Inferno.
Silent night fever! I like it.
I'm gonna go check it out.
Come on! You guys want to come out and check out the lights? TIM: Come on.
Come on, everybody.
Come on, Mom.
Very nice.
If I'm gentle with this harpoon, I think I can save the buttocks.
What kind of sick individual would do this to Santa's little helper? Just a scosh to the right, Balthazar.
- Merry Christmas, Mom.
- Merry Christmas, honey.
- You want some coffee? - Yeah.
Gosh, I'm so glad you came up early.
- We've hardly had a chance to talk.
- Yeah, I know.
Things have been a little crazy around here.
So what's going on with you? Well, you know, a lot of things.
I'm working on this new program - It's Christmas! - Let's open presents! Only yours.
Nobody else's.
Good morning.
Merry Christmas, etcetera JILL: Good morning.
Merry Christmas.
So, anyway, this program is where we take these trees and we - Okay.
Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas.
MARTY: Hey! JILL: Merry Christmas! - Hey, the girls want to open presents.
- Oh, those blue packages are from me.
- Yeah.
And me.
- What'd you get them? I'll let you know in a minute.
I hope you didn't let your mom buy Carrie's present.
I buy the presents for my girlfriend.
Besides, I wouldn't want Mom walking into that kind of store.
Come on, Aunt Jill.
Oh, they don't want to open presents without you.
- It's all right.
We'll talk later.
- All right.
You'd think a Santa that big would be easier to hit.
Al's gonna blow you out of this competition, isn't he? Perhaps, if he wants to get all competitive about it.
But for me, Christmas is more of a religious holiday, Marty.
I'm roasting chestnuts on an open fire.
And might I wish you a Merry Christmas, Randy? Well, Wilson, you can wish all you want, it won't make it come true.
- Noel not going so well? - No.
I had this great picture of what it would be like coming home for Christmas, so far it hasn't been like that at all.
Well, things are bound to be different with Marty and the twins living in the house.
It's not that.
It's just ever since I got home, I just feel like I don't fit anymore.
In what way? You know, everyone's so busy doing their own thing.
I mean, no one cares about what's going on with me.
Every time I say something, they look at me like I'm from Mars.
Been there.
I guess it's like Thomas Wolfe wrote, You Can't Go Home Again.
Well, that's very good, Randy, but Frank Baum wrote, "There's no place like home.
" - What do you think? - Well, I think you can go home again as long as you realize you may not be coming home to the same home.
Yeah, I mean, that makes sense.
I mean, why did I think time would just stand still? You know, I've often wondered the same thing.
I've got a machine down in my basement that can slow it down, but I just can't make it stop! Wilson, why did I even want things to stay the same? Well, Randy, as you venture out on your own, it's only natural for you to want home to be the same secure place that you left behind.
Wilson, I just want someone to notice that I'm here.
You know, I could go all the way back to Costa Rica without ever getting a chance to talk to my mom and dad.
Well, you can't let that happen, now.
You have to find an opening.
Let your voice be heard.
Sing, "Hallelujah!" Go Tell It on the Mountain! Blow your Trumpet, Gabriel! - Remember the Alamo! - Wilson? I get the point.
- Thanks.
- Right.
And, Randy, thank you for buying me that tree in Costa Rica.
- Oh, you like it? - Oh, I love it.
I can hardly wait to go down there and climb it.
Well, you might want to wait awhile.
It's only three inches tall.
Heads up.
I got it, Dad! What were you talking to Wilson about? His nuts.
Well, it looks like one of your guys went AWOL.
Second time today.
You working for Borland? Answer me, soldier! - So anything I can help with? - Yeah, yeah.
Fuse went out on one of Santa's little bodyguards.
You gotta go in through his armpit there.
There you go.
So tell me a little bit about Costa Rica.
Well, it's cool.
Come on, "It's cool.
" Give me more information than that.
- Do you still like living with that family? - Yeah.
You know, it's a little weird living with a strange family, but, you know, it helps that I come from a strange family.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, honey.
Watch your step there.
I brought up some hot chocolate for you.
Remember that time that we went camping and I made it with melted candy bars and toothpaste? I didn't make it that way.
So what are you guys doing? - We're talking about Costa Rica.
- Yeah? So? - You still love it there, honey? - Yeah.
It's great.
It's just kind of funny, you know.
Every time Lauren and I get together, all we seem to talk about is home.
You probably miss Tool Time.
You know, I miss my friends.
I miss writing for the school paper.
I miss Arnold Schwarzenegger movies in English.
(GRUNTS) How do they say "Hasta la vista, baby" in Spanish? (CHUCKLING) You know what I also miss? That Chinese-food place we used to go to.
- What was that? - Fu Wong's? Yeah.
Fu Wong's.
- Fu Wong's closed.
- That's right.
What's it now? It's Tanaka's Sushi and Live Bait.
Gosh, you know, home is definitely not the same home.
Come on.
Things haven't changed that much.
Dad, come on.
Things have definitely changed.
I mean, Tanaka? You know, we've got three new people living in the house.
Mark's, like, five inches taller.
Brad and him are actually getting along.
- I just feel like a guest at a hotel.
- With armed bellhops.
You feel like an outsider at this house now? Well, we haven't been much help, you know.
- We've hardly spent any time with him.
- It's not your fault.
You guys are just getting on with your lives, and I'm having trouble keeping in step.
Well, Randy, regardless of who's living in your room, or what's growing in there, this is always gonna be your home.
Thanks, Mom.
I guess since your dad and I are living here in the middle of all these changes, we haven't even noticed half of them.
(SCREAMING) TIM: It's okay.
The ground seems to have broken my fall.
Then again, some things never change.
Wow, what an awesome lighting display.
Those figures look so lifelike.
At least now we know why Al won.
Yeah, it's amazing what a little blood, sweat and 10 grand will do.
Maybe next year, honey.
They're gone.
- Now can we get down from here? - Yeah, I think so.
Oh, no.
My feet are frozen to the roof.
Help me, Al.
- I can't.
I'm stuck in the chimney.
- What are we gonna do? - Help! Help! - Help! Help! Over here! You know what I also miss? That Chinese restaurant we used to go to.
- Fong Wu's? - Yeah.
- Fong Wu's closed.
- Now it's Achmed's They closed.
Now it's Achmed's Falafel and Discount Cigarettes.
I'm trying so hard.

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