Home Improvement s08e12 Episode Script

Ploys For Tots

Welcome to Remodeling Week here on Tool Time.
Now, here's the star of the show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, everybody.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Grateful Tool Man" Taylor, and, of course, you all know my assistant.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING WILDLY) Okay, I'm a perch, I'll bite.
Well, Tim, it's Remodeling Week.
I know that.
Well, I've worn this shirt before, so now I'm re-modeling it.
Uh, all right.
Well, over the years, we've shown you a lot of different ways to upgrade your home.
But when the job is big enough, it's time to ask for the expertise of a licensed, bonded, professional contractor.
But finding a good contractor can be, well, as difficult as finding a date to the prom.
Yes, it can, Al.
But this time, your mom won't bail you out.
"Al, I can't fit in a limousine.
Better use a backhoe.
" As I was saying, choosing a good contractor can be a daunting task.
You gotta ask the right questions.
Are you licensed? Do you have a completion clause? Are you using a porta-potty, or just using my front lawn? So, without further ado, let's play The Contracting Game.
Whoo! Let's meet our contestants! All right! Contractor number one is an ex-Navy man from Saginaw who enjoys appraisals, electrical work and long walks on the beach.
Bill, say hello to Tim.
Hi, Tim.
Hey, Bill.
Contractor number two calls himself a trustworthy Taurus who wrote the primmer on primer.
Wally, say hello to Tim.
Hi, Tim.
And contractor number three says he's great at grouting, enjoys fine dining and will paint any surface at the drop of a cloth.
Ed, say hello to Tim.
Hi, Tim.
Tim, Tool Time is by far my favorite show.
I like him already.
All right.
Well, we've established that these men are qualified.
So let's see how they stand up to the tough questions from The Tool Man.
Thank you, Al.
All right, contractor number three, you say my kitchen work can be done in, uh, what? Six weeks? That's contractor time.
What is that in real time? Sixteen weeks and not a day more.
There's something to be said for honesty.
Okay, 18 weeks.
Contractor number two, I want to put in a new bathroom.
Tile, sink, maybe a Jacuzzi.
For 10 grand, can it be done? Well, actually, that seems a little low.
Hey, Tim.
It's Ed, contractor number three.
I can do it for nine-five.
All right, contractor number one, putting a parquet floor in my, uh, dining room.
You get a call from the hospital.
It's your wife.
She's having a baby.
Do you finish the floor or race to the hospital? Well, Tim, my wife and I have been trying to have a baby for three years.
I've been trying to have a parquet floor for 10.
Well, I mean, if you really needed the work done, uh, I guess I'd do it.
Look at it this way, the floor will probably last longer than the marriage.
Especially now, since my wife is watching.
So the moment of truth has come.
Are you going with contractor number one, contractor number two, or contractor number three? Hey, Tim, it's Ed again.
I would leave my family to do your parquet floor.
And yet I'm gonna go with contractor number one! Yeah! Congratulations.
All right.
Congratulations, Bill.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, when do I start the job? Job? We're just playing a game here.
There's no job.
I took a whole day off for nothing? I assumed there was a job.
Well, you know what happens when you assume.
Well, what happens is Heidi's gonna tell you what you won.
Uh You won this key ring with a handy can opener.
There you go.
There you go.
That's gonna come in real handy 'cause I'm about to open up a can of whoop-ass on the Tool Man.
Jill, the girls' birthday cake is great.
What's your secret? Gretchen's Bakery.
It's that place with the flashing neon lederhosen.
You know, I always thought Gretchen was selling something else there.
Hey, girls, come on.
Let's keep this party rolling.
I gotta get to work.
Hey, Uncle Marty, my dad says you have a job in canine nutrition.
I stack kibble at a dog-food warehouse.
Okay, girls.
What do you say? Is it time to open presents? Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yes? All right.
Come on, give me a hand, will you? Okay.
Now, wait Keep your eyes closed.
No looking.
No looking.
Come on, Aunt Jill, please! Oh, come on, please! No, no, no.
MARTY: Okay! And happy birthday! A new bike! Just what I wanted! Thanks, Dad! Now you can ride around the neighborhood mowing down three-year-olds.
Thanks, Tim.
This is from Brad and me.
Legos! All right! And let me see.
These are from Uncle Tim and me.
That's for you and this is for you.
The Spice Girls! Wow! I got Posh Spice! I got Sporty Spice.
I want Posh Spice.
But you love Sporty Spice.
You were Sporty Spice for Halloween.
I want Posh Spice.
But they gave me Posh Spice.
Upstairs, I got some Old Spice.
Listen, Gracie, why don't you just trade dolls with Claire, okay? Do I have to? Well, that's not really fair.
I mean, we sort of did give that doll to Gracie.
If it'll make her sister happy, I mean, does it really make a difference? Come on, honey.
That's a girl.
I love you guys.
Come here.
Hey, now, listen, I gotta go, okay? I'm really sorry I gotta go to work on your birthday, but I'll come on back later and we'll have a good time, okay? Okay.
See you.
TIM: See you later, Marty.
JILL: Bye-bye.
Aunt Jill, can we go play with our dolls upstairs? Of course you can.
Go on.
Hey, guys, guys, will you put these Legos together for the girls and take them up to them? Mom, we're building a fort.
Excuse me, uh, 17? I'm only 14.
I'm hanging onto my youth.
It's time to let go.
Can you believe what Marty just did? No.
Buying these bikes off the rack like this? These gear ratios and tires You'll never get any speed out of these puppies.
I'm not talking about the bikes.
I'm talking about the way he's dealing with the girls.
He's just trying to make her happy.
At her sister's expense.
He's not doing Claire any favors by giving in to her.
He's letting her just take control.
This is none of our business.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
We don't know anything about raising two girls.
Excuse me, someone in this room was a girl once.
That was years ago before the operation.
You promised you wouldn't bring that up again! Whether they're boys or girls, it's beside the point.
No, it's not beside the point.
Yeah, but they're living in our house.
Children need boundaries, and Marty's not setting any.
He lets them stay up as long as they want every night.
Jill He's not setting any limits on what kind of television they watch.
He's doing the best job he can.
He's going through a separation.
For God's sake, the guy can't be with his girls on his birthday.
He's counting Snausages.
I know.
I feel so sorry for him.
It's awful for him, awful for them.
But at least they get to spend the day with us.
Well, actually, they're gonna be spending the day with you.
I gotta go counsel some patients.
Are you gonna be okay with that? Oh, yeah.
Yeah? Okay.
We'll have a good time.
Hey, girls, break open those piggy banks! We're going to the casinos over in Windsor! Uncle Tim, are the bikes done yet? Well, Claire, for me, "done" is a relative term.
I've been done for an hour and a half.
When you're done, can I take it outside and ride it? No, honey.
It's way too slippery out there today.
But it's my birthday.
I know it's your birthday, but it's just unsafe.
Please, Uncle Tim? Not today 'cause it's your Please? Please? (BELL RINGING) Claire? What are you doing? Hi, Aunt Jill.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who told you that you could ride your bike in here? Here I come.
JILL: Tim.
Hi, honey.
Hop on the handlebars.
I'll take you around the coffee table.
I got a better idea.
Why don't we just flood the basement and swim laps? I like it.
Come here.
It's their birthday.
It's their birthday.
Come here.
Come on.
We never let our boys ride bikes in the house, birthday or no birthday.
Their parents are going through a separation.
Even more reason for them to have rules.
They need a grownup to be in charge.
They're away from their mom for their birthday.
Their dad is tasting liver treats for a living.
She sweet-talked you, didn't she? She did that thing where she goes, "Please, Uncle Tim?" Actually, she went, "Uncle Tim, please!" Girls, I'm sorry, but we can't ride bikes inside the house.
But Uncle Tim said he'd show me how to pop a wheelie.
No, no, no, no.
You misunderstood me.
What I said was, "Later on, we'll put the top on the Healey.
" I want to ride my bike.
Please, Uncle Tim? Oh, come on.
One wheelie.
We said no to our boys hundreds of times.
And look what happened to them.
I don't care what you say.
I'm riding my bike.
No, no, no.
We're not gonna ride in the house anymore.
Aunt Jill doesn't think it's a good idea.
I want to ride my bike! Claire, no! You cannot ride the bike in the house! No! I'm riding my bike! Claire, stop yelling.
No! Hey, I'm home.
Where are the birthday girls? Daddy! Daddy! Claire, honey.
What's wrong? Come here.
Aunt Jill's being mean to me.
Oh, sweetie, it's okay.
What's going on? She wanted to ride her bike around the house and, uh And Jill didn't think it was a good idea.
You couldn't cut her any slack on her birthday? Come on, honey.
I'll take you out for ice cream.
Go get your coat and your sister, okay? Come on, Gracie! Marty, you're setting up a behavioral pattern where you give in to her every time she acts out.
Oh, spare me the psychobabble.
I know how to handle my kids.
If you knew how to handle your kids, they'd know how to behave in our home.
You know, ice cream is starting to sound real good right now.
Look, Claire and Gracie need the security of knowing that there is a grownup in control.
That's okay.
Just don't tell me how to raise my kids.
How about rocky road? Or maybe we just shouldn't stay here.
Is that what you're saying? Oh, that would be great, Marty.
Take the easy way out.
Run away again.
Well, it's pretty obvious that you don't want us living here.
Oh, no, no.
You're not gonna pull that on me! I love having you guys here! And we love being here! And I can feel the love.
I don't want them riding bikes in the house and I'm the bad guy? Thanks for bailing on me, Tim.
I wasn't bailing on you.
I was acting like a peacekeeper.
They should have your kind of peacekeeping in the Middle East.
Shooting starts, you send out for Chunky Monkey.
They were riding bikes in the house.
They weren't invading occupied territory.
Look, I agreed to help you with your brother.
You gotta help me here.
Even if I don't believe what you're doing is right.
You know what I'm doing is right.
No, I don't know that what you're doing You just don't want to take sides.
That's what makes me a great peacekeeper.
No, that makes you wishy-washy.
I think maybe you better back off a little bit.
Okay, okay.
I'll back off if I know that I've got your support if things get, you know, completely out of control.
If things get completely out of control, you have my support 110%.
How do you define "completely out of control"? I can't define it.
I'll know it when I have to clean it up.
(SIGHS) Look.
There's a gross, gooey prize in the box.
I want the prize! Honey, it's gonna be a lot deeper than that.
They always put the prize at the bottom.
Whoa, whoa, I was gonna eat that cereal.
Take your arm out of the cereal, please.
But I want the prize.
Come on, Tim.
It's not that big a deal.
It's a big deal to me.
Claire, please take your arm out of the cereal.
Okay, fine.
Claire, get your hand out of the box.
Let's go.
Oh, come on, Marty.
Claire! Claire! What I want her to clean this up right now.
Oh, come on.
This wouldn't have happened if you'd just let her have the stupid prize.
This is my fault? Claire, clean this up.
I just I don't have time to deal with this.
I gotta go to work.
They gotta go to school.
Kids, get your things.
Let's go.
Why don't you just leave it here on the table then, huh? I'll pour some milk on it and I'll suck it off later.
Bye, girls.
So, Mr.
Peacekeeper, does this qualify as completely out of control? Not if I get you to clean it up.
Excuse me, I'm looking for Marty Taylor.
He's stacking kibble somewhere.
He's been promoted to squeakies and chew toys instead of me, who's been here 15 years, but hey, I'm not bitter.
Oh, no.
Look, I don't have time to talk, okay? I'm way behind in my work.
Do you have time to talk if I give you a hand? Like you can learn this job in one day.
(SQUEAKS) Squeeze the toy, see if it works.
(SQUEAKS) Look, I know your kids are having a tough time with the separation, but you're letting them get away with murder, Marty.
Hey, you're the one that told them they could ride their bikes around the house! That's because Claire pouted.
I gave in.
But you give in every time she snaps her fingers.
Oh, give me a break.
The separation's really hard on them.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I happen to want my kids to like me.
You're their father, not their friend.
You can't let them manipulate you like this.
(SQUEAKS) Well, excuse me, but I happen to think (SQUEAKS) that you're the one who's being manipulated.
What's that supposed to mean? Oh, come on.
Your wife sent you down here to bite my head off (SQUEAKING) about something that you don't even believe.
If you think for one minute I came down here 'cause of Jill, you're dead wrong.
I'm my own man.
I do my own bidding.
MAN: Hey! Yeah? Well, I'm my own man (SQUEAKS) and I don't happen to agree with what your wife sent you down here to tell me.
If you weren't such a thickhead, you'd realize she made a good point.
(SQUEAKS) You know what else? This is a really annoying job.
(SQUEAKING) It wasn't nearly so annoying before you came down here and started breathing down my neck.
Maybe it's time I left, huh? (SQUEAKING) Oh, now you're doing it? Who's a guy gotta sleep with around here to squeak toys? (SQUEAKS) Well, hi ho, neighbor.
Hidey ho back at you.
You getting ready to knock off a liquor store? (CHUCKLING) No, Tim.
I'm experimenting with thermal headgear for my heli-skiing trip.
Well, I'd rather go skiing in hell with you than stay in this house with my brother.
Oh, I didn't think it was Marty who was doing all the screaming.
No, it was Claire.
That girl screams louder than Al's mom when you try to take away her pudding.
Well, have you and Jill tried to deal with the situation? Of course I tried to talk to him.
It doesn't do any good.
Well, what'd you say to him? I told him everything he was doing was wrong.
Oh, golly! And Marty wasn't responsive to that? It's impossible to talk to him.
You know, I want to help him, but I'm running out of speeches.
Well, you know, Tim, as someone whose first impulse is to speechify, I can promise you that isn't always the best solution.
I know how to get his attention, an atomic wedgie.
Well, you could also try it my way.
You know, sometimes, Tim, instead of sharing my wisdom, I try to give people the benefit of my experience.
What experience of mine would be helpful to Marty? Tim, you have helped raise three terrific kids.
What good would it be to tell Marty how I raised my kids? Well, don't tell him how you did it, just find a way to show him.
I can't even imagine what he's going through, doing all this parenting alone.
I mean, without Jill, I couldn't have had the kids.
I want a cookie! Claire, no! How's it going, Marty? I hate you! That answer your question? I want a cookie! I told you not before dinner! Now, you're in time-out! Go to your room! No! I said yes! No! I said yes! I want to be with Mommy! Hey, Marty.
You're doing good.
Just hang tough, buddy.
You'll be all right.
CLAIRE: (SCREAMING) I said I wanna be with Mommy! That's it.
Time-out's over.
I'm going up there.
Hold on a second.
I'll show you what to do.
Take the cookie.
Break it in half.
Right now.
Break it in half.
Put half in your mouth.
Give me the other half.
Now what? Now we go to Legoland and build a bait and tackle shop and forget about this.
Come on, come on.
CLAIRE: All I want is that dumb, old cookie! (CLAIRE SCREAMING) She's gonna hate me for the rest of my life.
I'll be surprised if in an hour she still hates you, okay? Now, I need a worm cooler, all right? Start on that.
(CLAIRE SCREAMING) CLAIRE: I hate it here so much! What's going on? We're building a bait and tackle shop during an air-raid siren.
CLAIRE: I'm holding my breath! We're waiting out Claire's tantrum.
Marty, that is so good.
CLAIRE: This room is stupid! This house is stupid! Everyone here is stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! It's a dream come true.
You know, she's been at it for over an hour.
Something's gotta blow.
(CLAIRE SCREAMING) Either her lungs or my eardrums.
You just gotta tune it out.
I barely even hear her anymore.
(CLAIRE SCREAMING) I heard that one.
You know, I was never any good at disciplining the kids.
Nancy was always the one that had to tell them no.
You know, every time they'd start to cry, I'd just Wait, wait, wait.
She stopped.
Should I go up there? No, no, careful.
It might be a trap.
Hi, Claire.
Hi, Claire.
Hi, honey.
Dad, since I missed dinner, can I please have a peanut-butter sandwich? Sure.
(WHISPERING) You made it.
I guess I did.
Hey, while I'm up, can I get you anything? Yeah.
I'd love a cup of tea.
That'd be great.
I could go for a peanut-butter sandwich myself.
Please! Please! It's all finished.
It's the first bait and tackle shop with its built-in lingerie department.
And a little Tyra Banks out of Lego.
Gosh, it's so quiet.
I'm really proud of Marty for getting through this.
We're just lucky our boys are through that phase.
(DOOR BANGS) You know, I hate living in this house.
I mean, thanks to you guys, I'm cramped in a stupid little basement with my geeky brother, I've got no privacy, I've got no ventilation and last night, in the middle of his sleep, Mark starts singing a Puff Daddy medley! You know, this is crazy! This is insane! I hate living in this house! Gosh! Well, at least he's potty-trained.
Yeah? Well, I'm my own wife and I don't happen to think that Oh, yeah.
Saying the written line.
Oh, that one.
Well, I'm my own man and I don't happen to agree with what your wife (SQUEAKS) sent you down here to say to me.
(SQUEAKS) (SQUEAKS) If you weren't so If you weren't so thickheaded, you would've You would've
Previous EpisodeNext Episode