Home Improvement s08e23 Episode Script


It's not like Tim to be late.
We go on in a couple of minutes.
He said he was going out for an hour.
He should be back by now.
(GROANING NERVOUSLY) - God! - Well, maybe something happened.
Hey, what a day! My dream lunch.
Two for one on pierogies from Stan's.
Tim, you had us worried sick! I thought you were dead in a ditch! - Al? Pierogi? - You betcha! - Me, too.
- You guys hurry up.
We got a show to do.
Well, you may not want to do the show once you find out what Binford did.
"To whom it may concern, "only Binford tools are to be used on Tool Time effective immediately.
" So what? They always send me this memo.
One more and my whole door is covered.
Well, this time our CEO means business.
While you were at lunch, Bud came in and confiscated every tool that isn't a Binford.
Ooh! Every tool we got out there is a Binford.
- Well, now, not every - Don't worry about it.
- Let's just do the show, all right? - HEIDI: Okay, everybody.
Five - Well - four, three, two - Does everybody know what time it is? - ALL: Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! (MUSIC PLAYING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Now, all of us take our car to the mechanic now and then for a tune-up.
- But do we really know what they do? - I do.
I'm just excited 'cause I know the answer.
There's nothing I like better than giving a car a tune-up.
Tightening belts, new spark plugs, oil change, scraping my knuckles.
(GRUNTS) Oh, yeah.
Quickest way to find out what's going on is to use a diagnostic machine.
We'll get Where's the diagnostic machine? Oh, let me guess.
It wasn't a Binford.
Well, everyone, I guess you showed up for no reason, thanks to my (CROWD GROANS) No, no.
Thanks to my friends at Binford who removed my diagnostic machine.
I'm supposed to do a tune-up! How the hell am I supposed to do it without the machine? - I know.
- You have the answer, Al? - By using our Binford hand tools.
- Hand tools? That's right! Trusty hand tools made by Binford.
All you need is a Binford screwdriver to listen for valve noises the old-fashioned Binford way.
Heidi? (ENGINE STARTING) Now, if you find this as dull as I do, why don't you contact the CEO here? He's Bud Harper, care of Binford Tools, and tell him Tim sent you.
Always the kidder.
Now, you want to take this and place it against the valve head with the handle to your ear, making sure to keep away from the alternator belt, the fan belt, and most importantly, the electrical coil.
Look at Al.
Putting on a good front.
But under that bearded grin, he's just as mad about this as I am.
You're a real trouper, Al.
- BRAD: Hey, Mom.
- Hi.
- Did the mail come in yet? - No.
Gosh, you'd think the post office is trying to torture me.
I mean, they know I'm waiting on these college acceptance letters and all of a sudden the mail's coming late.
Well, it's all a diabolical plot masterminded by the CIA, the FBI and Bill Gates.
Really? - And you're going to college? - Honey - Hi, guys.
- Hey, Dad, where'd you get the mail? From the mailbox.
I came and got it at lunch.
I was hoping for my new lingerie catalog.
There could be important news in here.
You know the important news? Bud has turned a good tool company into a fascist dictatorship.
So what, he's gonna declare war on Home Depot? You know, this is serious.
We're not allowed to use any tools on the set that don't have the Binford logo on them.
And since Binford doesn't make any automotive tools, I can't do any car-related Tool Times.
That's ridiculous.
I knew they were giving you problems down there.
- I didn't know they would go this far.
- Oh, this is just the beginning.
They start taking away your diagnostic equipment, the next thing you know your money looks different and you're waiting in line for vodka and toilet paper.
- Hey, Mom, Dad! - What? I got a letter from UCLA.
Really? What does it say? It says I'm still a candidate for a soccer scholarship.
- All right! - Hey! Good deal.
I thought I'd lost my chance after that surgery.
But I guess I still got a shot.
It'd be great if you got into UCLA.
What else does it say? It says they want to come see me at the Irish Hills Tournament, and check me out.
That tournament is next weekend.
You're not supposed to play on your knee for another month.
Well, I guess that just changed.
I'll just accelerate my rehab schedule.
Double your workouts.
No, I don't want you to rush it.
I mean, there's a rehab schedule for a reason.
We'll just talk to his physical therapist, who will adjust his schedule.
- Or he can just work out with me.
- Call the therapist.
When Bud gets back in, tell him that I called.
This is unbelievable! Every time I call Bud, he's not home.
I keep getting some guy that sounds just like Bud talking through a thick sock.
Sounds like he's trying to duck you.
I'll show him.
I'll call him back and pretend I'm not me.
(CHUCKLES) - Hi, guys.
- TIM: Hey, Brad.
JILL: Hi, honey.
Are you limping? What? Did you hurt your knee again? Yeah, it's a little sore.
I tried doing ball-handling skills for the first time.
TIM: Well, go sit down.
I'll get some ice.
Brad, you were supposed to take it easy.
Here, let me see this.
Oh, man! Look how swollen it is.
Don't panic.
A little swelling is Mongo Jerry, look at the size of that goiter! Guys, it's just a little fluid, all right? Professional athletes get it all the time.
But you're not a professional athlete, you're a high school student.
Who's trying to get into UCLA, the only way I know how.
Well, if it still looks like this next weekend, you're gonna have to consider another school.
Mom, without a scholarship I couldn't get into a school like UCLA.
No kidding! I don't think you should risk hurting it again, honey.
This does look pretty bad, Brad.
- Oh, so now you're against me, too? - No one is against you.
Honey We're not against you.
I just don't want you doing something foolish.
I think we should call Dr.
Hennessy and see what he says before we make our decision.
Think we can get an appointment with this short notice? (SCOFFS) Drop my name, they'll send a car.
- Any messages from Bud? - Nope.
But we did get another memo, this time about wardrobe.
What about wardrobe? Well, apparently, we're supposed to wear these.
What are we? Gay exterminators? Are we actually supposed to wear these things? Actually, one of us is supposed to wear this.
If Borland puts that on, I'm walking.
How long can a knee exam take? My personal best, about six and a half minutes, indoors.
Been there.
Where the heck have you been? I've been trying to get a hold of you for three days.
What's going on at work? Binford's They're insane Hold on.
Did you just call me a chicken nugget? What? Hold on.
I can't Wait a minute.
Bud, hold on.
I can't Bud? Yeah.
Where are you? Bud? Bud? Hold on.
Bud, come on.
I can't Sorry.
I lost him! I think he's at the Big Boy on Woodward.
Maybe you should tail him.
- Tail him? - Yeah.
He'd expect me.
Just once I'd like to be inside that head of yours.
- You wouldn't last five minutes.
- No.
and Mrs.
Taylor, would you like to come in now? Yes.
- So, how's my boy? - I'm fine.
Oh, look at this.
He blew it out again, didn't he? Oh, no, no.
It's just inflamed because Brad's pushing himself.
It's a slight setback.
- Are you saying he shouldn't play? - Oh, I didn't say that.
- So, then I can play? - I didn't say that either.
I get the feeling you get sued a lot.
Well, look, Brad's knee should be around 85 percent by game time.
- 85 percent! That's like a B-minus.
- All right! But 85 percent means that there's an increased chance that he'll get hurt.
Well, yeah Yeah But what if he only plays That would eliminate the 15 percent chance of injury! BRAD: All right! Welcome to my world.
Look, Brad could get in there, you know, play the game of his life and be fine, but On the other hand, the knee's not as strong as it normally is, so there is an increased chance of serious injury.
What do you mean by "serious injury"? Well, if he hurts it again there is always the possibility of more surgery and chronic knee problems.
- This is a tough decision.
- Boy, it is! What do you want to do? Play or not? - I'm playing.
- All right.
Decision's made.
No! The decision's not made.
We haven't even discussed it.
- Mom, Dad and I just did.
- Yeah.
Excuse me.
He's 17 years old.
I think we still get to have a say in this.
I say that what he's doing might be foolish.
And I say it's not.
- Well - I think we need a third opinion.
Doc, what do you think? Well, you know, I got a patient on crutches who's waiting.
What's that? It's a grade-two ankle sprain at worst.
Just ice and wrap it.
Look, I don't think that Brad should risk his health like this.
It's not his health.
Listen to this.
Listen, listen, listen.
Only 15 percent of his knees are at risk.
He's only gonna play 85 percent of the time.
So, you times that and you get Five Hold on a second Fifteen times - Dad - Hold it.
Just carry the five - Dad, Dad - Wait a second! Dad, forget the math, all right? The decision's been made.
The decision has not been made.
Listen to me, Brad.
I know how important UCLA is to you.
Believe me, I would love to see you go there.
But you could start out at another school and try again for the scholarship next year.
Mom, by then there's gonna be a whole other recruiting class.
Okay? I'll be ancient history.
You got to strike while you got starch in the iron.
Or, I mean You got to You got to go while Wait.
Look, you have a long soccer career ahead of you.
I'm just afraid if you risk blowing out your knee now, you're never gonna play soccer again anywhere.
Mom, I can't afford to be afraid.
You know, at least Dad understands how crucial this is.
Is six a prime number? What are you making over there? It smells so good.
This is my hearty beef stew.
- You must have quite a crowd.
- No, no.
No, no.
No, just me.
See, I cook it up in bulk.
That way I have lunch for the next five years.
Don't you get bored? No, not at all.
See, every three years I add crackers.
So, what did the doctor say about Brad's knee? He said it's 85 percent healed.
There's a chance he'll hurt it again.
So, I take it he's not gonna play? He wants to.
Tim wants him to.
I'm just worried about serious damage.
Do you think I'm being over-protective? Am I crazy? Well, no, you're not crazy to worry about Brad's health, but, to an athlete, sports are a microcosm of life, a battle of wills, a test of strength and character.
Proving yourself as a man.
Go, Conquistadores! See, I was co-captain of my high school chess team.
Not too many people get hurt playing chess.
Well, that's not necessarily true.
See, I dozed off once waiting for my opponent's next move, and the next thing I knew, I was impaled by a queen.
And your point would be what? Just that I understand why a young man like Brad would take a risk for a sport that he loves.
Well, so do I.
But you know, what I'm worried about is I just don't feel like he's listening to his body.
I didn't listen to my body for two years, and I ended up having to have a hysterectomy.
I lost my uterus, the ovaries, the whole nine yards.
Oh, that reminds me, I got to add onions.
(STAMMERING) I'm just I'm worried about him taking this gamble.
I don't think he's even aware of the stakes.
On the other hand, Jill, he could be aware of the stakes and he's willing to take that gamble, just like I was in my famous queen C-four to F-seven gambit of 1953.
So, you're saying that you think I should let him play? Jill, let me ask you something.
Did you ever go against your parents' wishes and take a risk that involved physical danger? Yeah, I did.
I married Tim.
(WHISTLE BLOWING) (COACHES BARKING ORDERS) Brad's looking pretty good, Mrs.
Well, I hope he's ready.
I'm glad you guys decided to let him play.
Well, moments like this are kind of unbearable for a parent.
(CHUCKLING) Then how do you explain Dad? - Can't hear you, Bud.
- I never try to explain your dad.
- The knee's feeling pretty good.
- JILL: Well, good luck, honey.
I'm gonna need it.
I guess the guy that's marking me goes to Cal State Fullerton.
He's also on the national team.
You're gonna do great out there, buddy.
Come on.
Hey, Dad.
Dad, that guy right there, that's Steve Smith.
He's one of the coaches from UCLA.
You forget about him.
Keep your head on the game, all right? Come on! - Right.
- Be careful, honey! Hey, which one of you guys is "honey"? (CHUCKLING PURPOSEFULLY) - Hey, Steve.
- Hey.
Tim "The Tool Man.
" Brad's father.
Oh, right.
Hey, that's a heck of a boy you got there.
Yeah, he is.
And I hear you're a heck of a coach.
I got a little Tool Time combo magnet, pen and key chain set for you.
- I can't accept these.
- NCAA regulations, huh? No.
My wife hates it when I bring home cheesy crap.
Got it.
This conversation never happened.
(CROWD EXCLAIMS) Don't worry, Brad.
You'll get him next time! Go, Brad! Why's he being so tentative? Brad, take the shot! You're wide open! Heard the "wide" part.
Go, Brad! (WHISTLE BLOWING) Jill, don't go out there! Brad! Brad, you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
- No, he's not fine.
- Mom, would you get off the field? You're the one that's gonna be getting off the field.
- No, I'm not! - Yeah, you are.
Before you play any more, I want you to have that knee looked at at the first-aid tent.
Come on.
Keep the weight off it.
Keep the weight off it.
Come on.
Use me.
Honey, the next time you go out there, you might want to put on a jock strap.
Are you coming? Is it painful when you bend your knee? - (GRUNTS) No.
Not at all.
- Then why did you wince? Because you're digging your nails into my neck.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Brad, I really have to check out the other games.
I'm sorry I didn't get to see you play more.
Tough break.
- Well, wait.
I might actually go in again.
- Yeah.
Why don't you just hang out a little bit? If the trainer lets him go back, you can really see what Brad can do.
Well, I could probably spare a few more minutes.
Okay, great! I'll hang with you.
I got a bunch of jokes.
Two pretzels were walking down the street.
One was a salted.
Hey, Brad.
Why don't you put some weight on your knee? (GRUNTS SOFTLY) - How does it feel now? - It's loosening up a little bit.
All right, let me take another look.
I see the bruise coming in.
Oh, I knew this was bad.
Actually, as long as there's no swelling, a bruise is a good thing.
It means it's just a blow to the muscle and there's no damage to the ligaments or cartilage.
So, this guy walks into a bar.
He hears a voice that says, "You're very handsome today.
" The guy turns to the bartender and says, "Who said that?" The bartender says, "The peanuts.
They're complimentary.
" I got a million of these.
A priest, a minister and a rabbi.
They're playing Twister.
Oy vey! So, what's up? Can I go in or can't I? Well, you didn't twist or wrench your knee in any way.
So, it really depends on how you feel.
You guys have to make the call.
(SNORTS) Great.
By the time we're done arguing about this, the game's gonna be over.
Or we don't argue about it.
You play it safe and try for UCLA next year.
Mom, this is what I've worked and trained for for so long, you know? And I realize I'm only 85 percent there physically.
But I'm 200 percent there mentally.
You know? And I know you don't think I understand the risk, but I do.
If I go out there and I injure myself, I'm prepared to live with the consequences.
Are you sure? Because it's a big gamble.
Mom, if I don't go out on that field right now, I'm gonna wonder my whole life whether I could have done it.
(SIGHS) Okay, get out there! Show them what you can do.
Go on! So, the chief says, "Death it is.
But first, chi-chi!" Hey, Brad's back in the game.
The natives are going, "Chi-chi! Chi-chi!" (WHISTLE BLOWING) Yeah, Brad! Go, Brad! (CROWD ROARS) Wow! If that's how he plays now, I can't wait to see him at 100 percent this fall.
Wait! So, does that mean he's got the scholarship? Well, his knee's obviously fine.
He's got my recommendation.
You'll be hearing from us in a week or so.
There's our college man.
Now we're gonna continue with our week-long salute Stop for a minute.
You know, folks, I've been doing this show for 10 years now.
And Binford shows their appreciation by taking away all my tools and making me dress like a banana? You know, I'm as much a company man as the next guy, but eventually a Tool Man's got to do what a Tool Man's got to do.
And I'm getting out of this stupid thing.
- Yeah.
Me, too.
- Thanks, Heidi.
Al, you with us? I don't think so, Tim.
Come on, Al.
This is about integrity, man.
No, I'd really I'd rather not.
- Come on.
- I'd No - It's about unity, Al.
- I I No! Welcome to Tool Time.
Thank you, Heidi.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And of course you all know my assistant, Al Hi, everybody.
It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
First they start taking away your diagnostic equipment.
Next thing you know, the money looks different, you're waiting in line for vodka and diapers.
- Hey, Mom, Dad! - What? (BRAD LAUGHING)
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