Home Improvement s08e24 Episode Script

Dead Weight

And a big Binford welcome back to Binford's Tool Time.
You may have noticed a little change in the set here.
Well, Binford has to put its name on practically everything.
Well, today we're going to show you how the experts work with the world's hardest stone, a diamond.
That's right.
In case you just joined us, all the way from South Africa, we have a guest, expert diamond-cutter - Hi.
- Dirk Brodsky.
Dirk comes from a long line of diamond-cutters.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
In fact, I've brought some diamonds cut by my great-grandfather.
We're looking forward to seeing your family jewels.
Humor is such a tricky thing, isn't it? All right, well, why don't we show you how diamonds are honed using these machines? All right.
We'll start off with this little saw.
What is this for? This is a rotary diamond saw.
We cut away the unusable part of our rough diamond and it gives us perfect cleavage.
And we all know how important perfect cleavage is.
Very tricky.
Over here, this is the brooding machine.
Does it come with a self-pity attachment? No.
Now, with this machine we shape the outermost edge of the diamond which is known as the girdle.
Now, it's critical to keep your diamond at a correct angle in order to avoid girdle stress.
Something Al's mom knows a lot about.
Now, over here, this is the polisher.
Lou here is shaping and polishing the facets of the diamond using this spinning wheel.
All right.
How long does the whole process take? With jokes like yours, it could take years.
But usually about three days.
Lou? Thanks very much.
Once he's dipped it in the hydrochloric-acid bath, it'll end up looking something like this.
A beautiful stone, perfectly flawless and needless to say, priceless.
- Let's take a look at that thing.
- Yes, well (TIM WHISTLES) - Beautiful, isn't it? - Yeah.
Look at that, folks.
It's got a little burr on there.
Why don't I just - What? - take that right off the side? No! Lovely setting.
Thank you.
- Hi, sexy.
Great show.
- Thank you.
Hi! Are we still on for hibachi night at your place? You betcha! I picked up the hamburger meat.
You just bring the buns.
(AL EXCLAIMS) Come on.
Let me walk you to your car.
- Okay.
- See you, guys.
- TRUDY: Bye.
- Good afternoon, Tim.
Bud, we're gonna have to talk about these changes you're making on the show.
Hey, Tool Man! Beautiful show.
Loving it.
Loving you.
Well, why don't you love me from over there? And tell me who the hell you are.
Tim, this is the man I've chosen to supervise Tool Time, Binford's new VP of Media Production, Morgan Wandell.
And you don't have to call me Mr.
You call me Morgan.
Or I may go with something else.
Well, I have an extensive background in entertainment and reality television.
I'm particularly proud of my last special.
Topless Cops on Ice.
Oh, that was And we feel that the stuff you do on Tool Time could be in that same league.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
See, Morgan feels all your show needs is explosion consistency.
- What? - He wants you to blow up more stuff.
Whether it's an accident or not.
No, no.
I'm not gonna stage explosions on Tool Time.
I'm proud of the fact all the accidents on this show are a result of my legitimately stupid mistakes.
- What are you working on? - Oh, it's just an application for a counseling job in Dearborn.
I might go for the PhD.
But I want to keep my options open.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I mean, the last thing you want to do is narrow yourself down in your golden years.
I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
And yet very soon you won't have to pretend.
- Hi, guys.
- MARK: What's up, Dad? JILL: Hi.
- Horrible day today.
- JILL: Really? What happened? Get this.
Bud's handed Tool Time over to some hotshot young producer who wants me to stage explosions.
- He wants more danger on Tool Time.
- More danger? You already have higher insurance rates than the Knievel family.
Morgan Wandell.
The guy's been on the set What? One day.
And everybody's miserable.
Everybody is miserable.
Hey, guys! I am walking on sunshine! I guess he's crying on the inside.
Crying? I am flying! I have decided the time is right to ask Trudy for her hand in marriage.
- Get out! Hey! Congratulations.
- Oh, my God! That's so great! Yeah.
That's right.
After I walked Trudy to her car, I ran into Dirk.
And he sold me one of his diamonds.
TIM: Ooh! - Al, this is so beautiful.
- Yes, it is! I really love the cleavage.
Well, thank you.
But, gosh! It's so pretty.
Everything will become official after this wonderful dinner I have arranged.
TIM: Ooh.
Oh, that's so romantic.
Trudy's going to love that.
Actually, Trudy won't be there.
I'm taking Mother out to dinner to break the news to her first.
Oh! - Well, that's a way to go.
- And let me guess where you're taking her.
Sven's All-You-Can-Eat Smorgasbord.
As luck would have it You know they went bankrupt shortly after our last visit? You know, I do remember seeing a white flag in their window, yeah.
So, I'm taking her to Sorrentino's, Saturday night.
We're gonna be there Saturday night.
- Really? - Yeah.
Hey, I got it.
After you tell your mom, let me know.
We'll come over and get a little bottle of champagne and we'll celebrate with you.
Oh, that would be great.
I could use the support.
I'm very nervous about how she's going to react.
Oh, don't worry.
It's gonna be fine.
I hope so.
I can't believe I'm gonna pop the question! Ah, it's a big day in a man's life.
It really is.
- It sure is.
- Yeah.
Do you remember when you asked your mother for permission to get married? I wonder if Al and his mom are here yet.
I'm guessing yes.
Hey, Al.
Hi, Alma.
Good evening.
What are you doing here? I thought you were working - at that French restaurant.
- I was traded for a chef and a waiter to be named later.
- I am so happy to see you.
- Really? No.
I'm practicing false sincerity so the Borland party will give me a big tip.
Well, we're gonna need a few minutes here.
- Just some bread and water to start.
- How tantalizing! My God! Is that Gwyneth Paltrow? No, Antonio! That's still my mother.
I've never seen him so nervous.
Not since we did our salute to propane.
I think he's gonna tell her now.
I see the ring coming out.
Mother, I have some great news.
I've decided to make Trudy my bride.
(WOMAN GROANING) (THUDDING) AL: Oh, my God! (AL STAMMERING) Somebody call a paramedic! - I'm so sorry, Al.
- So am I.
I can't believe I killed my mother! (TIM GRUNTS) This was a terrible tragedy.
But you had nothing to do with it.
Well, she died because she was distraught over my getting married.
- No! - You don't know that.
It could've been all the excitement at dinner.
Look, let's be honest.
Your mother was not in the best physical condition.
The doctor said that she was a prime candidate for a heart attack.
- And I pushed her over the edge.
- JILL: No.
You're being way too hard on yourself, Al.
This is not your fault.
And think of it this way.
Your mom went the way she would want to go.
She was dining in a fine restaurant.
Surrounded by her favorite side dishes.
And now she's at that big buffet in the sky.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) I just can't believe she's gone.
No more do-si-doing at the seniors' center.
No more harmonizing with Don Ho.
Oh, honey.
Come on, buddy.
You'll get through this.
We'll be there for you, buddy.
I'm so glad you decided to stay with us tonight.
Would you like me to make you a nice cup of tea? - Yes, I would.
- Okay.
- I can grill up some bratwurst.
- That would be nice.
And about work, Al, you can take off all the time you need.
Okay, buddy? And if you need any help with the arrangements, - we'll be glad to pitch in.
- Oh, thank you.
Gosh, there are so many details! I have to notify the rest of the family.
I have to find a minister.
Oh, gosh! I have to buy Mother a burial plot.
That could get pricey.
Thanks for filling in for Al, Heidi.
Oh, sure.
Anything to help.
But, you know, I'm a little nervous.
You and Al work so well off each other.
Oh, come on.
You're gonna do just fine.
Hey, tell you what.
Do you have any quirks or physical abnormalities I can make fun of? Uh Yeah.
I twitch when I get nervous.
- Your eye or something? - Not exactly.
I don't know if I can work with that.
- Hi, guys.
- HEIDI: Hey.
Al, I thought you were taking some time off.
Well, I thought it would be good to keep my mind busy with work right now.
That's a good idea.
God, this must be so hard for you! I've gotta get ready for my new intro.
Okay? - Hi, Trudy.
- Hi.
What are you doing here? I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
I haven't seen or heard from you since your mother died.
Well, I've been taking care of business.
- You know, a lot of things going on.
- I figured that.
Lookit, I made you a shepherd's pie.
Just the way you like it, with double meat.
- I'll leave you guys alone.
- No, no.
That's all right.
We really gotta get ready for the show.
I guess I'll see you soon.
- Thanks.
- Bye, Trudy.
It's pretty nice of her to come down here and bake you a shepherd's pie with double meat.
To be honest, I just wish she'd kind of back off! What are you talking about? A couple days ago you wanted to propose to her.
- Well, that was two days ago.
- What's happened? Two days ago my whole life changed! Oh, come on, Al.
I know you feel like that now.
But you and Trudy still love each other and everything else is the same.
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) Let's get ready to repair! Oh, my God! It looks like somebody hand-polished a barn.
Well, that's an example of something that you shouldn't say.
- I'm glad you cleared that up.
- Yeah.
Guys, take a seat.
Let's go pay our respects to Al.
Wow! Heidi seems really upset.
I think I should go comfort her.
Oh, thank you, guys, for coming.
You remember my brother Cal.
- Cal, sorry about your mom.
- Thank you.
- Hi, Cal.
How are you? - I'm trying to be strong.
Well, you don't have to be.
I mean, a funeral is for grieving.
You're right.
I wish I was in the casket with her.
You're a therapist, right? Hi, Al.
Hi, Trudy.
It's quite a turnout.
Your mother was obviously loved by a lot of people.
(AL SIGHS) Thanks.
Boy, I really need to say hi to Aunt Martha.
I don't know what to do.
I want to support Al.
But he keeps pushing me away.
Well, maybe he just needs some space.
I should go pay my respects.
- What's going on? - It's pretty obvious.
Al associates Trudy with his mom's death so he's pushing her away emotionally and physically.
Wow! - How'd you come up with that one? - Al told me.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Benny.
Oh, hey, Benny.
- What a solemn occasion.
- I know.
Jujube? Benny, don't you think it's a little inappropriate to be passing out snacks at a funeral? You're right.
I'm a bad boy.
You know, honey, you are ruining this funeral for everybody.
I'm glad Al got you to officiate.
WILSON: Well, it's my honor to do it, neighbor.
Of course I haven't done a funeral since my last ceremony in Pago Pago.
Tim, if you'll excuse me, I have to make a few adjustments on this service.
Substitute "Heavenly Father" for "Lizard King.
" I was just thinking about my mother, all the great times we used to have.
When I was a kid, she used to take us to the park.
We'd fly kites, she'd push us on the swing.
- We'd spend hours on the teeter-totter.
- I used to love the teeter-totter.
Up and down.
Up and down.
Down? Well, they play it differently in different parts of the country.
I just can't believe she's gone.
I'm so alone.
You're not alone.
You're not alone.
You got me, buddy.
- I know.
- You got your friends, your family, you know? And Trudy, who really, really loves you.
And I really love her.
But I I don't think my mother really wanted me to marry Trudy.
Did she say that? No.
But I think actions speak louder than words! Al, I don't think that's what she meant.
You can't re-live WILSON: If everybody would take their seats, the service is about to begin.
Let's talk about this later, okay? WILSON: Ladies and gentlemen, we are here to celebrate the life of Alma Borland.
A warm, loving woman who raised two exceptional sons, Cal and Al.
Her youngest, Al, would now like to say a few words.
My mother was a great lady.
I'm sorry! WILSON: Cal, would you like to say anything? I did Until I talked to Jill.
WILSON: Would anyone else like to say a few words to honor Alma? I'd like to say something.
Uh This is hard for me because as most of you know, I've spent a lot of years making fun of Alma on Tool Time.
But what you probably don't know is that she was And there's no delicate way to say this, but she was a huge fan.
She had a great sense of humor and a great spirit about her.
Everywhere Alma went, she left a big impression.
That was her favorite joke.
I owe a lot to that woman.
Without her, I would never have had the privilege of knowing my good friend Al.
And I know, Al, that your mom would want you to share the love that she gave you with someone you love.
(TIM GRUNTS) I didn't mean me.
Thanks, Tim.
My mother was a great woman.
She was my friend, my supporter, my teacher.
And Tim's right.
She said that there's nothing greater than sharing your love with someone else.
And, well, there was something I was going to do the other night.
And I don't think there's any reason for putting it off.
Trudy, will you marry me? Perhaps I've put you on the spot? Of course I'll marry you, Al.
Al and Trudy, this is indeed a joyous occasion.
Now, let us proceed to the grave site.
Will the following pallbearers please take their places? Al, Cal, Tim, Brad, Mark, Marty, Benny, Patrick, Colin, Francis, Chris, William, Brian, Jake, Carson, Ted, Alonzo Hi, honey.
How did the Tool Time at the granite quarry go? It was great! That new executive, Morgan, didn't drive you nuts? No, no, no, no.
Before we left I had Heidi make up a special map for him.
He's halfway to Amish country by now.
But Al did ask us for a special favor.
Well, sure.
He wants to have the wedding in our backyard.
- What? Why would he want to do that? - They want someplace that's intimate.
And they're comfortable with it.
And Trudy's house, that's where she had her first wedding, - there's bad memories there.
- Oh.
Well, why don't they have it in Al's backyard? Because the landlord keeps a whole bunch of car parts back there.
You're the landlord.
Do you want me to bring that crap back here? We have a beautiful house for a wedding.
And a big Binford welcome back to Binford's Tool Time.
You might notice there's a few changes here in the set.
Binford's puts its name (STAMMERING) Dirk comes from a long line of diamond cutters.
Oh, that's right.
In fact, I brought some diamonds cut by my great-grandfather.
Maybe next we can show the family, show the baby
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