Hooten and the Lady (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

The Amazon

1 WOMAN: The simple truth is, that with the wilful looting and destruction of religious and historical monuments throughout the Middle East, priceless artefacts are being traded on the black market by thieves and opportunists.
And we face similar challenges all over the world.
As we sit here, a vaste swathe of Amazonian rain forest first charted by Victorian explorer, Percy Fawcett, is being destroyed.
Fawcett was a visionary, and, with the recent discovery of the lost Urutu tribe, we have a real opportunity to find Fawcett's last known camp.
And yet, all you having me do, is sit behind a desk, and fill out budgets, - and-and viability studies - Yeah, I-I think - what Alex's trying to say - What I'm saying is is Fawcett, Carter, Livingstone, Mary Kingsley, these were not people who sat behind desks.
They went out into the world, and they found what they were looking for.
Let me go out there and try to emulate these men and women.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) These decisions take time, but you've done all you can for today.
(SUSPENSE MUSIC) We have an exhibition, in six weeks time, to be opened by Lord Carnarvon and a member of the Royal Family.
If you give me this chance, I will find Fawcett's camp, and I will bring back artefacts for that exhibition.
The media attention such an exhibit would attract, would firmly put the museum back in the public eye.
Just as the chancellor's new budget is due to be delivered later, that very same month.
In which he seeks to cut public funding.
As part of his new austerity drive.
- You've promised them - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) continued government's funding, from a budget you have no control over, based on the discovery of something we don't know actually exists.
What do you think? I think you better not come back empty-handed, or we're all screwed.
Oh, what could possibly go wrong? (SIGHS) [7HORSE: "Most Of That Is You and Me"] I don't need all the action I can't take all the speed I just need a reaction baby Most of that is you and me Most of that is you and me It's a fake.
I give you 50 bucks.
I'm surprised it's worth 50.
Because it's not the stone I came in with.
You switched.
The world drivin' me crazy Give me kind of disease I've got some kind of reaction baby Most of that is you and me Most of that is you and me Alright Alright (GLASS SHATTERS) (GRUNTING) (SNORTING) (PANTING) It's okay, Clara.
I've got this.
Really? MAN: Ya! (SCREAMS) Clara, hold on! (SCREAMING FROM AFAR) (FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Stop! Stop! (GRUNTING) I think you dropped this.
Ah! (SOUND OF DRUMS, CHANTING) HOOTEN: Oh, come on, guys! You're eating Clara, really? Are you completely stupid? Who the hell are you? [EZRA FURMAN: "Restless Year"] (Doo-Wop Refrain) Transcribed and synced by vivelalto, Bird and LittleDuck I set up camp in the center of town Ready for freedom when it all comes down Snapping my fingers, walking around I'm a dusty jewel in the thrown-out crown Got a bus pass to make my way From hideout to hideout in the heat of the day I got a talisman tote with the whole array And when you catch my coat-tails I'll be miles away I was asking for directions from the hunting party.
Then you attacked them.
They assumed I was a diversion.
They went from happy to help to string her up.
(PRIMAL SCREAM) Pull out there! What's going on? They're going to stake me over that fire ant's nest.
That's standard punishment for errant women.
- What about me? - You're a thief.
They're holding yohimbi trial.
I'm not a thief! - What's the yohimbi trial? - The Urutu are notoriously bisexual.
They'll smear you in monkey blood, and they'll send you into the chief's hut, for sex.
(PRIMAL SOUNDS) - Come on, he's 90 years old.
- That's where the yohimbi comes in.
It's a sexual stimulant made from tree bark.
There may be another way, Mister Hooten, no mister.
The Urutu are immensely proud of their warriors.
If you were to challenge and defeat their strongest warrior, - they'd see it at the will of the gods.
- So if I win, they have to let us go? So I believe.
(WESTERN MUSIC) (CHEERING CROWD) (GRUNTING) Have you thought about not getting quite so close to him? Perhaps, try a little more jab and move? (GRUNTING) - Which way you're gonna run? - South, I have a boat on the river.
Wait, why are we running? They're letting us go, aren't they? (FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (CHIEF SCREAMS) HOOTEN: Where's your damn boat? Keep going! - ALEX: Why are they chasing us? - I don't know, sore losers? ALEX: You start the engine, I'll cast off.
Uh Base camp lost contact with Alex.
(BIRDS) You've got a name? Alexandra Lindo-Parker.
HOOTER: Lindo? That's a hell of a middle name.
No, my middle names are Diane Elizabeth.
My third name is Lindo-Parker.
You have five names? Well, strictly speaking, only four names; Lindo-Parker is hyphenated.
No shit! So what, your parents couldn't make up their mind? They're all family names.
So what are you doing out here, Miss Alexandra Lindo-Parker? I work with the British Museum.
We're here searching for the last camp site of the Victorian explorer, Percy Fawcett.
He came here in 1925 in the spring to search for Eldorado.
fabled the city of gold.
The lost city of Z.
"Zee"? (SCOFFS) - Z.
- And let me guess, he didn't find it.
No one knows, he was never seen again.
HOOTER: So you find this camp and then what? The idea is to create a tableau in the Museum, using all the Fawcett's original artefacts.
Oh, that'd shake up the world! - You don't like museums? - People spend too much of their time looking back or forward.
That's why everybody's now is turning to shit.
I think History is important.
It helps us to understand where we come from.
Sometimes that's not such a great idea.
(BIRDS) ALEX: What do you do, Mr Hooten? This and that.
And are either this or that an occupation of any kind? You know, you ask a lot of questions.
And you have a canny knack of avoiding answering.
It's a gift.
It's gonna get dark soon.
We should pull over somewhere and bed down.
So, what do we know? It's gonna be dark there soon.
Her phone's dead, she's been off radar for eleven hours.
- Team on the ground? - Pascal Bodin; embassy guide, he's only just begun to put a search party together.
To leave at first light.
Uh Last known point of contact was north of the Urutu hunting grounds, and it's just too much ground to cover.
Only possible by air.
I can't imagine what the board are gonna say when they'll find out.
Well, let's just hope we'll find her then, before they do.
(GRUNTING) - What's that? - I grabbed that before we left the camp.
It seemed like the smart thing to do.
It looks like meat.
You're eating your horse? It's what she would've wanted.
No, thank you.
People're gonna be worried sick about me.
What about you, Mr Hooten, anyone worrying about you? No mister! And I had one friend, I've just eaten her.
(SIGHS) (HE MOANS) I think I dropped my hammock back there, when we were running.
- That was careless.
- We were been chased! I didn't drop mine.
- You know, you can be very rude.
- Thank you.
- It wasn't a compliment.
- Look, Lady, I don't wanna be here with you anymore than you wanna be here with me.
So let's just get some sleep and we'll say our goodbyes in the morning.
- Fine.
- There's a supply post four miles north of here, you can drop me off there.
Nope, sorry.
What? I'll be heading south.
With my boat.
- South? - I was being given directions by the Urutu tribe, before we were so rudely interrupted.
There's a high ridge, south from here, and I think that's where Fawcett's made his camp.
So you can drop me off first.
In the opposite direction, that's hardly practical.
You can stay here or you can walk to your supply camp You want me to hack my way through four miles of dense jungle? I cannot tell you how many people tried to talk me out of coming to the Amazon, Mr Hooten.
They said that it was impossible, that I was doomed for failure I am not returning empty-handed.
It's a little selfish.
That very much depends on your point of view.
You have a hammock, I have a boat.
Now, I can either collect you on my way back, or you could come with me, it's your choice.
Not much as a choice.
Not my problem.
Great, why not? Let's go find the dead Victorian guy.
- Sleep tight.
- I will.
ELLA: Phone company's confirmed.
Her phone is not in use, and hasn't been for the last 24 hours.
The search team is getting ready to leave now.
Keep me in the loop.
(ENGINE NOISE) (ENGINE NOISE) (HE GRUNTS) (MOANS) 'Morning! Are you alright? Yeah, I though I'd get the boat loaded up.
Ah! How very thoughtful.
Thank you.
You want me to drive? I can manage.
Suit yourself.
(HE SIGHS) (ENGINE STARTS) Which way is south? (STIRRING MUSIC) No, no, you've got to back it out that way.
(SALSA MUSIC) HOOTEN: That's good.
How much further? There should be a hill.
Just out there.
You should know there's a snake above you.
He's really big.
- Of course, there is.
- No, no, no, I'm serious.
You think I'm entirely stupid? It was a rhetorical question.
(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC) Are you sure this is the right place? How did you, Brits, conquered half the world anyway? Just bumping into places? Aim for Norway, end up in India.
Oh, look, there's a ridge! Just like the Urutu described.
- ALEX: It's definitely the next ridge.
- Okay, not funny, now.
HOOTEN: Even the goats have shaken their heads as we passed.
ALEX: Have faith, Mr Hooten.
(STRING MUSIC) ALEX: Oh, this is it! I knew it, this is Percy's camp! Look! Oh! (GIGGLING) (GASPS) It's him.
Oh, my (GIGGLING) ALEX: It's remarkably well preserved.
Would you look at this? Look.
A pen? First slide of history.
Can't you see him? Sitting here, alone, right here! Not as vividly as you can.
- (SCOFFS) - Knock yourself out.
ALEX: Mr Hooten? All done, we can go now.
It's almost dark, we'll go in the morning.
Oh (LAUGHING) Sorry.
It's alright.
ELLA: It's been 17 hours.
That is not how I wanted today to end.
So yes, Pascal, yes, I'm more than a little concerned, and, you know, it doesn't help in the least you telling me not to be.
We'll try again at first light.
I'll be here.
- Okay.
- (HANGS UP) Perhaps we should think about telling her family.
Her fiancé.
Alright, let's get out of here.
Do you think we should bury him or something? I don't know, just cover him with a blanket or something.
I think so.
- (CRACK) - (GASPS) You broke his arm off.
- I didn't mean to! - Poor guy has been laying there, minding his own business for the better part of a hundred years.
You come along and you rip his arm off.
- You told me to cover him up! - I didn't tell you.
I thought it was the decent thing to do! - Are you always that annoying? - Always! - You can just - I'll leave him there.
Ah! There's something in is hand.
(SUSPENSE MUSIC) I think it's a map.
I think this is telling us where the lost city is.
You know how many treasure maps I followed? They don't tend to end well.
It isn't just treasure, this is an entire city! A city so full of gold, that its inhabitants used to grind it down into powder and then blow it with these hollow canes to paint each other's bodies.
Eldorado means quite literally gilded man! It says that the start point is in Madre de Dios.
This will I don't know anyone who's ever been there on foot.
Well, then we will be the first people there! What do you mean, we? How did we become a we? You can't just take someone and turn them into a we without their permission.
I am giving you the opportunity to discover the the lost city of gold.
Yeah, and if we find it, what's my cut? We are on the verge of finding evidence that proves this-this ancient civilization, that people have spent- (GASPS) centuries searching for and all you're interested in is, "What's my cut?" Pretty much.
(ACOUSTIC GUITAR) - Ten percent.
- Fifty-fifty.
Straight down the middle.
- I need to tell my team what I found.
- Fine.
That store I told you about is about four hours down river.
We could pick up provisions and you could tell your team whatever you want.
I have first choice of anything with historical or cultural significance.
I have first choice of anything that looks easy to melt down into money.
(QUIETLY) ALEX: Thank you, Percy.
Sorry about the arm! Hola, Hooten! - Hola, Alice.
- (GIGGLES) How are you doing? - Oh, shit.
- What I can get you? - A beer first, and then I got a list.
- Oh, am I on it? - Right at the top.
- (SHE GIGGLES) Sorry to interrupt.
Do you have access to any kind of telephone here? Sure.
We have Skype and Facetime.
- Knock yourself out.
- Thank you.
(SKYPE CONNECTING) Pascal! Thank heavens, where are you? No, look, I need you to call Ella, tell her everything is okay, and ask her to tell Edward too.
Yes, but we need to get you back.
Give me a location.
No, no, no, look, wait.
I have something far more exciting to show you first.
ALEX: I think it shows where the lost city is.
So I'm getting provisions to head there now.
(PRINTER NOISE) DOUGLAS: Any word on our missing lady? Anything? No, nothing.
I'm just refilling and we're good to go.
I will be out in a minute.
(TENSE MUSIC) That was Pascal.
It's still no news.
(CLARE THROAT) He said that they do a final sweep, - but - But what? Then he thinks we should consider calling off the search party.
Thank you very much.
So How long do you know Hooten? - Uh, not very long.
- You slept with him yet? No, I have not! So he hasn't asked you, uh.
I can assure you, it wouldn't make the slightest - bit of difference if he had.
- Stop your lapping, there's a break in the clouds.
Let's go.
IN SPANISH: Hasta luego, Hooten - Until next time.
- (GIGGLES) No, thank you.
- That was very rude! - What? Barking at me like that that it was time to go.
I wasn't barking at you.
I felt like I was being summoned.
The boat's loaded up and ready to go.
I'd just appreciate a little bit of courtesy, that's all.
ALEX: Is that so difficult? (ACTION MUSIC) You're just very truculent.
That's not even a word.
Hostile, and antagonistic.
(GRUNTS) ALEX: Hooten! (GRUNTS) - Put me down! - No! I am not antagonistic.
OK, gentlemen, I'll take the chopper and you follow the river, south! Keep in radio contact, okay? - Let's go, Doug.
(SUCKING NOISE) Mmh! Is that absolutely necessary? You kidding me? This is where all the flavour is.
You should try it.
No, thank you.
Water? I'm good.
Where is the water? (WITH HIS MOUTH FULL) In my bag.
Unbelievable! This is why the Urutu were chasing us, you stole it, again! I didn't steal it again.
This is the first time.
Isn't that splitting hairs, rather? Splitting hairs! They killed Clara and beat me half to death.
And, they were about to stake you over an ant's nest.
Yes, but all of that only happened because of what you did! None of this would've happened if you hadn't stolen the skull in the first place! And then we escape by the skin of our teeth, and you just go right ahead and steal it again! I didn't steal anything.
Well, now I did.
- Don't give me that, don't give me that.
You grave robber.
- What?! - Wrenching that map from his cold dead hands - That is hardly the same thing.
- HOOTEN: No, you're right, it's worse.
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- Oh.
And you broke his arm off.
(LAUGHTER) You know, everyone has the right to be stupid, Mr Hooten, but you really abuse it.
Oh, now where are you going? I know it's close, I'll find it without you.
Okay, well, have fun with the snakes and the spiders, and the flesh eating bugs.
And the 10,000 other things, besides me, that could kill you out there.
- I will! - I give you about an hour before you come crawling back.
(SHE SCREAMS) ALEX: Mr Hooten? Mr Hooten, please! Wow Less than a minute.
(MOANS) Wow Need a little help? If it's not too much trouble.
HOOTEN: Apologize first.
- What?! - For calling me a thief.
Do you mind terribly if we do this later? HOOTEN: Yes, you won't apologize later.
You're actually serious, aren't you? No, I'm just bored.
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, I apologize.
HOOTEN: For? ALEX: For calling you a thief.
You're trying to think of something else, aren't you? Well, it seems too good an opportunity to miss.
God, you are such a dickhead! Apology accepted.
- (HE MOANS) - Ah! Wow! HOOTEN: Alright.
Oh Give me your hand.
Come on.
HOOTEN: Come on, you gotta meet me halfway.
(PANTING) (SHE MOANS) HOOTEN: I got you, I got you.
- (CREAKING) (SHE GASPS) - (SCREAMS) (SHE GRUNTS) (MOANS) Anything broken? No, I don't think so.
Could you get off me, please? (MOANS) Aw (HE MOANS) (HE SIGHS) (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC) Look! (THEY MOAN) (BIRDS SINGING) (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Land us down there.
HOOTEN: God bless Percy Fawcett! God bless your British Museum! - (GUN SHOT) - (HE MOANS) Hooten.
Try not to move.
Are you kidding me? Somebody's shooting at me! ALEX: Pascal? HOOTEN: Wait So you know this guy? What I'm saying? Of course you know him, he shot me.
(ELLA SIGHS) Why are you doing this, Pascal? Why? Well, to prevent you from ruining Percy Fawcett's memory.
- Really? - No.
- For the money, stupid.
- Aw! That, and the fact I've been attached to your embassy as a guide for three years.
Wait, if he's pissed off at you, what is he shooting me for? Three years of taking orders from the English.
I'm a French man, you figure it out.
- Why didn't you shoot her? - Oh, charming! And he's French! I didn't see that coming.
Aw! (GIGGLES) (LAUGHS) If we make it out of this, quite a story for you to tell the museum.
If we make it, I doubt I should be allowed back there.
How come? I promised them rather a lot.
Persuaded them to have faith in me, and I've done nothing but make a mess of it all.
Look, it could be worse.
How? Look, for what it's worth, you've been pretty amazing.
You've got some balls.
(SOBBING) Thank you.
You think? You're only half as annoying as most of the Brits I meet.
Well, you're not the most annoying American I've ever met.
Sorry for the inconvenience, Lady Alexandra.
Just bad form.
Lady?! It's a just a tittle.
I never use it.
- No shit! You're like a real Lady? - Does it matter? You said you worked for the British Museum.
I do! Oh, I see, right.
Because I'm a Lady, you think I sit around all day, being waited on the hand and foot by a butler.
- You've actually got a butler? - No! Okay, no, yes, fine, that's exactly what I do.
And I generally travel everywhere by horse and carriage.
I wear lace, gloves and a bonnet.
Do you know the Queen? DOUGLAS: Pascal! (FROM AFAR): Pascal! Douglas, you have to help us! - What's going on? - Quickly, quickly! (GUNSHOT) Oh, my Oh, my God! Room for more gold.
Can you reach those rocks by your feet? (SNOBS) What? What? Where? (PANTING) ALEX: Shit! (SHE SOBS) ALEX: Ah! (GRUNTS) Pascal, we've had another call from the museum asking for an update.
What's your position? Over.
Aw Come on, quickly! (TENSION BUILDING) He's coming back! You need to come with me.
No! There's a search party looking for you.
Get up! (SHE MOANS) Once they'll find you, they'll go home.
I'll drop you off.
HOOTEN: Hey, Pepe Le Pew? How about you untie me so I can kick your ass? ALEX: No, don't! Look, I'll go with you, just don't hurt him.
ALEX: Where's he gonna go? Well, at least you will have the famous lost city of Z to look at while you'll bleed to death.
Ah! (HE MOANS) PASCAL: Now come.
Hurry! - PASCAL: Hurry! - "Zee.
" Get in.
ALEX: You'll never gonna get away with this.
(MOANS) Ah! (TENSE MUSIC) (ACTION MUSIC) Hooten! That's no way to treat a Lady! (GRUNTS) (PASCAL GRUNTS) HOOTEN: I could use a little help here! No shit.
Not that kind of help.
(BANG) (WARNING SENSORS BLARED) Jump! - Don't be ridiculous! - Trust me.
Jump! Ah! Oh, merde (BANG) Wow! Yay! - (LAUGHTER) - (PANTING) That was great.
- (MOANS) - (HE CHUCKLES) What are you doing? What do you mean? Nothing.
- You puckered.
- No, I didn't.
You definitely puckered.
- I did no such thing! - I get it.
Hero saves the girl, and she puts out.
Nothing like a happy ending to get those hormones pump in.
Happy ending? Happy ending?! I found the Urutu tribe, and they were gonna show me what it is I came here for in the first place.
And then, you show up, and I'm dangling upside down, I've been surrounded to be eaten alive by fire ants.
I've been chased by an angry tribe, and having arrows fired at me, and then I'm tied up again, and then I'm kidnapped, and I jumped out of a bloody helicopter! - Alright.
- Now, you're accusing me of trying to kiss you! Define "Happy"! Don't you think the Lady protests too much? Actually, the correct quotation is "The Lady does protest too much, methinks?" - I'm glad you agree.
- Oh, you're so - Handsome? - In-furiating! HOOTEN: Great.
No gold, no skull, and I've been shot.
But we still have Percy's map though.
(CHUCKLES) We know the start point is at the Madre de Dios.
Yeah! Then we fell down a mountain.
Not to mention our little helicopter ride.
HOOTEN: It was impossible with Percy's map, not along without it.
To find that place again, you'd need to sent in the bulldozers.
Labor the entire Rain Forest.
Well, look, it's not all bad, is it? I still have all of Percy's things.
HOOTEN: Great You loose us a city made of gold, but you still got - "Percy's things".
- Oh, so it's all my fault? - HOOTEN: That's what I said.
- I think that you're forgetting that I've probably saved your life.
HOOTEN: Save my life? You got me shot! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (CLASSICAL MUSIC) (KEYS ON THE TABLE) (STREET NOISE) CLIVE: (CHUCKLES) It sounds a bit intense for a first field trip.
ALEX: Nonsense! It was terribly exciting.
Well, at least tell me all about it, - on monday.
- ALEX: Monday, lovely.
This place is buzzing because of you.
- I'm sorry about Pascal.
- It wasn't your fault.
No, I have made a note not to book anymore homicidal French men as your guides in the future.
- Great, thank you so much.
- Absolutely not.
- Very thoughtful.
- Yes.
So, no Edward tonight? No, he had an emergency at work.
You shared all glory details of your trip with him? Edited highlights.
And this Hooten chap, what's he like? - He's a tad rough around the edges.
- Oh.
Is he here? No, he - This isn't his kind of thing.
- Oh, yeah, I assume he was (KNOCKS ON THE DOOR) (STREET NOISE) (ELECTRO MUSIC) You have something for me? You're hurt.
You want me to stay? (CLASSICAL MUSIC) (SUCKING NOISE) (BELL RINGS, THREE TIMES) [DOROTHY: "Wicked Ones"] This night ain't for the faint of heart For the faint of heart, for the faint of heart This night ain't for the faint of heart 'Cause the faint of heart gonna fall apart [CHORUS] Transcribed and synced by LittleDuck, Bird and vivelalto MAN: All I wanted was a quick under the radar flight to Rome.
- HOOTEN: I'm on a mission from God.
- Two minutes, and already, I wanna punch you in the face.
HOOTEN: I'm talking about the book that guided the kings and emperors of Rome.
- ALEX: My mother is here.
- You don't look like your mother.
She's very elegant and refined Alex, how close are you to Capitoline hill? HOOTEN: When you say "under the temple" You mean under under? (GUN SHOTS) I bet it's the mob.
(GUN SHOT) - Aw - (GLASS SHATTERS) - (GUN SHOT) - Aw The next one is in your head.
[EZRA FURMAN: "Restless Year"] (Doo-Wop Refrain) I set up camp in the center of town Ready for freedom when it all comes down Snapping my fingers, walking around I'm a dusty jewel in the thrown-out crown Got a bus pass to make my way From hideout to hideout in the heat of the day I got a talisman tote with the whole array And when you catch my coat-tails I'll be miles away Proofread by KingLouis and Benaddic7ed