Hooten and the Lady (2016) s01e02 Episode Script


1 cum nobis pecatoribus, nunc et in hora mortis - nostrae, amen.
- I got here as fast as I could.
Thank God you're here! Let me look at you.
Sadness has deepened.
You said you have something.
Founder of our order, Father Francesco, he brought it here.
In 1557.
Amazing! - Do you know what it is? - Yes! Do you know what it is? It's a page from the Sibylline book.
- Sibylline book from ? - Uh, Rome.
Wow! Some believe it has the power to protect the future.
If a page survives perhaps the rest of the book does, and it would be valuable.
If it's money you need, I'll get it for you, - you don't have to sell your relics.
- No.
We must find it.
That's the Vatican's symbol.
- Are they the buyers? - No.
We have a friend, in Rome, they will find a buyer.
Call them, when you find it.
Anything for you, Sister.
Oh, Ulysses, look after yourself.
One word of warning to your friend and I will make you watch us kill you all.
- Thank you.
- Grazie.
We think it may have been a temple for the Jupiter Optimus Maximus.
- This is stunning.
- Wait until you see the floor.
Hey! Svegliati, accendi.
Look, do you think the British Museum might be interested? You should say so.
You have a week to take it all.
A week?! The synthetic removal will take months! We're in Rome, Alex.
Everywhere is a World Heritage Site.
Nice for the tourists But what the people who leave here need is decent transport.
The C line metro is 30 years late coming through here.
A week is all we have.
I see.
What is it? Handwritten Guns N' Roses' lyrics.
Let me see.
It's not your expertise, Maurice.
You stick to the drug smuggling or whatever else you do this days.
Everywhere you go, opportunists Hey, Yankee Doodle man! - Hey, show this paper, real shit.
- Sure.
Seriously? You're mugging me at ten thousand feet? All I wanted was a quick under the radar flight to Rome.
- Page, now! - No page.
Land, now! Or we can keep - talking, you know, whatever suits you.
- Hooten! Hey, toughty! Your airline's gonna get a sticking review.
My lunch was inside that backpack.
Piu' vicini.
Piu' vicini.
Better late than never.
Was this on your wedding list? Transcribed and synced by vivelalto, Bird and LittleDuck I set up camp in the center of town Ready for freedom when it all comes down Snapping my fingers, walking around I'm a dusty jewel in the thrown-out crown Got a bus pass to make my way From hideout to hideout in the heat of the day I got a talisman tote with the whole array And when you catch my coat-tails I'll be miles away It's all rather dull, actually.
And we're in Rome looking for a dress, and I though we'd have some time for some fun.
She's so busy with her work.
Follow your heart.
Surely, you must know your sister's dream dress.
Well, it's not my sister that's getting married, it's my daughter.
We'll need a Brandy please, I'm in shock here.
Wait, you You have a daughter? You are a delight.
I could listen to your stick all night.
Well, lucky for you, I'm an all night kind of fella.
Just need to change, Mum, ten minutes.
No rush, darling, Mr Hooten here is diverting company.
I needed to see you.
I'm sorry.
I was messing, I knew it was your mother.
- What do you take me for? - An oaf, a chancer, a dog.
I have to say you don't look like your mother.
- She's very elegant and refined - For your information, I'm adopted.
- You did well, bagging a Lord and a Lady.
- Two minutes, and already, I wanna punch you in the face.
This is what I hoped for.
We can pick up exactly where we left off.
- What do you want, Hooten? - Your help! I didn't expect to see you again.
I haven't heard from you since the Amazon.
I don't have to call regularly, do I? Are you like this with your fiancé? - How'd you like to know the future? - Swallow, and then speak.
I've said, how would you like to know the future? I already know it.
You're crossing the street right into the path of a truck.
I'm talking about the big things.
I'm talking about the book that guided the kings and emperors of Rome.
The Sibylline book? It was destroyed over 1600 years ago by general Stilicho.
'xcuse fingers.
It's authentic.
- Where did you get this? - A nun.
I'm on a mission from God.
The Vatican mark.
Do you think the rest of the book might still be there? Now you know why I'm in Rome, my little accreditation fairy.
I need your access to the Vatican.
My mother is here, to look at wedding dresses.
I've got the dig, and now you're bringing me this.
Well, you think I'm gonna just Drop everything to go treasure hunting with you? Do I really need to answer that? My wheels are over here.
I get first dibs on cataloguing and examination.
We should also discuss exportation attitude.
Let's find the thing first.
This is us.
Won her in a game of Scopa off a bridesmaid.
Call her Audrey.
It's an example of everyday's sexism to name vehicles after women.
And make it something to believe in You know you got to turn up And make the heart go (Woah woah woah) I said you got to turn up And put yours hands where I can see them You know you've got to turn up To keep 'em begging for If you want it baby you can have it all So, you know a nun! I know a lot of nuns.
- And how do you know this nun? - "Nun" of your business.
It's all lies, isn't it ? I bet you're gonna sell the book to one of your dodgy contact.
You've got that look about you.
That look would be God's hand guiding me.
We can start in the library.
Let's work backwards.
General Stilicho had the Sibylline book in 4 or 5 AD.
He must have given it to the Church Why? Christians believe the Sibylline book prophesies the arrival of Christ.
It would have been a very useful tool in the process of conversion.
So why doesn't the Sibylline book have pride of place? Because people are converted.
There's only one book the Church wants people reading.
The Bible.
So they hid it.
What did you say the name of the founder of your nun's convent was? Father Francesco.
And stop saying "nun" like I made her up.
Alex: I knew I'd seen his name somewhere! Look! Here's his diary.
Francesco tore out the stamped page in protest at its censorship.
Then somebody called Simoni hid the rest of it.
I don't suppose it says where ? I don't I don't completely understand, it says Francesco goes to the convent, to your convent, and then Simoni stays in Rome.
He writes to Francesco.
He says; "It is hidden, Father.
The key is in my book.
" Thanks, Simoni, big help.
What he actually writes is; "Meo libro picto", then essentially writesf "lol".
Meo libro Picto.
What-what does that mean? "My painted book.
" Oh That is pretty funny.
What? What? What's the joke? Come on, spill the beans.
What do you know? - What kind of clearance do you have? - A2.
A2? I thought you said you can get in anywhere.
I can, within reason.
I don't have clearance to go in there, Hooten.
I need a day to sort it out.
You're either with me, or you're not.
Pop quiz, when was the last Pope elected? Pope Francis, 2013.
More specific.
March 2013.
Hurry! Even more specific.
The 12th and 13th of March 2013.
White smoke was seen at six minutes past seven.
Come on, cameras are down.
Slowly, these anchor points haven't been used in years.
What did you do, to close down security? What is this thing I read in the paper? The vain eavesdropping during the papal conclave.
All security in the chapel was disabled.
I just told the system it was March 13th 2013 again.
We're going to hell? We already knew that.
You can cross the Sistine chapel off your bucket list.
So, Father Francesco receives a cryptic letter reading: "The "key is in my painted book.
" - The Erithraean Sibyl - - Erithraean.
One of five books on the ceiling.
Simoni was the surname of none other than Michelangelo.
He was in here around that time, bashing out the Last Judgement.
There was friction between him and the Pope, you see.
How do you know so much about the Sistine chapel ceiling? Can't I be knowledgeable about Renaissance art? Come on, where did you get the information from? Wikipedia? I had root canal done last year.
Dentist office had a know and tell poster on the ceiling.
Hey! You learn wherever you can.
So you think this is the painted book.
I think there's a groove.
Right there.
You can't go stabbing at Michelangelo ceiling, that is a crime against culture.
Why, you take out your scalpel all the time and pick things up.
A scalpel is a precision instrument, that is a dirty great knife.
Alright, get your scalpel out then, doc.
There's definitely something behind there.
Oh, I can't do it, can't do it, can't do it.
Give me yours And you can hold mine.
Get that! You were supposed to Well, get down now, slowly.
- Hooten! - My line is jammed.
I can't get down.
Cut the line! I'll break my neck! Who cares about your neck! I do.
I love my neck, I have a great neck.
You are gonna bring down the Sistine Chapel ceiling, you heifer! "Heifer?" You're the one who looks like they haven't missed any pasta.
Let's make this easy.
What does? - Oh, Alex, no! - No pasta, Hooten.
- Wiggle out.
- No.
I'm alive.
It's a miracle.
What fell out? A ceiling.
Over a human life I've seen the really Is it part of the book?! It's a chunk of wood.
And, I've lost the connection.
Yeah, we better get out of here.
I'm not going anywhere until I've sealed the ceiling back in place.
Alex, seriously, we're in Vatican.
Come on.
Leave it! Come on! You're still working? At this time of night! Hello, Ella! Sorry to bother you so late.
Would you mind, uh, checking something for me, please? I'm sending photos of an artefact I found.
So, the material is wood, uh, ebony.
It's part of a frieze.
It's circa third century but I don't recognize it.
You really are working.
Actually, we're drinking, in a bar.
- Who is that? - The waiter.
Uh, would you see if you can find anything and then give me a ring back, thank you! Don't answer that.
We're working.
It's my mum.
Hello! So, I ate diner alone.
That was fun.
I looked like some terrible French widow.
But now, I'm in the room.
The assistant's been standing here for 20 minutes.
Now, are you gonna come and view these dresses, or not? I'm sorry, I just I've been caught up in work.
But this is your wedding dress we're talking about, Alex! - I don't mind.
You pick one.
- I could have combat fatigues and a con costume for all you know! No, you haven't.
I know you will have chosen the most beautiful dresses in the whole city.
Well, I have.
I just wanted you to be here.
This is a big mother and daughter moment! I'm sorry.
This is really important, I've got to go.
Love you.
Did she mention me? Oh.
- Hi.
- Alex! How close are you to Capitoline Hill? Hum, two minutes.
Get yourself down there.
This piece is truly astounding.
What did she say? 2,000 years ago, the Sibylline books were kept in an ebony chest.
Under the temple of Jupiter Optimus Maximus.
Ella's discovered that our chunk of wood is likely a section from the base of that chest.
Yeah, what does that have to do with Michelangelo? During the Renaissance, the temple Maximus' Capitoline Hill was renovated.
It became known for Palazzo dei Conservatori.
Guess who designed it? - Michelangelo Simoni.
- Precisely.
He'd have known the significance of that location, it's the perfect poetic place to hide the book; back in its original home.
When you say "under the temple", do you mean, "under under"? What's down here? Subterranean Rome is like a labyrinth.
Well, let's hope we don't run into a Minotaur.
No, they're Greek.
This way should take us right under the old temple.
An oil lamp! Second century.
That's just a a thing.
Stop picking stuff out, we're on a sewer.
Your natural habitat, of course.
GPS says that the basement should be just along here.
Amazing! This is all still intact.
Barely, that step looks like it's gonna break.
The catacombs.
Isn't Rome amazing? There are miles and miles of these throughout the city, people just brick them up, and ignore them.
To think we're following in the foot steps of Michelangelo.
- Is this it? - That a sarcophagus.
We're looking for an ebony chest.
All I see are skulls and bones.
And more skulls, and more bones.
It's like a serial killer's apartment.
See the way they're looking.
It seems to be a skull theme going on here.
Look! It's a corner.
One, two.
Oh, my God Oh my God! This is it! Hey, hey, hey-hey.
You found it.
Oh, that's giving me tingles.
You should probably get that looked at.
Is that you? Hm? People dump these in the drains every time - they get too big.
- What? The That's enormous! Step back.
I never step back.
What do you mean you why'd you never well, since when? - Always, it's a rule I have.
- What kind of rule is never step back? Why'd you make a rule like that? "Never step back.
" Step back! Step back Okay, what do we do, now? Alright.
You walk left, I walk right.
- Okay.
- Move slowly.
That way he won't know which one of us to attack.
We're basically counting on it being an indecisive alligator.
Or that you're much younger, more tender on the jaws.
Oh, you're far meatier, it's a lot longer meal.
English lamb.
Melt in the mouth, good! Mmh! Yummy! Stop! Tip-textured jerky all-you-can-eat buffet, help yourself! No! Ah! Hooten, please! - Please do something.
- Here goes nothing.
- Are you OK? - Yeah.
Hooten? How do we get out? We have water.
We have alligator meat somewhere.
Maybe we should consult this book.
At this point, I'm willing to give anything a try.
How does it work? You ask yourself your fundamental question, the question you need the clearest guidance on.
You open the book.
Place your finger on a passage and that is the way forward.
The English lamb bleats loudly.
It's enough to drive the wolf crazy.
- What do you think that means? - We may not believe, but we should still be respectful.
If you don't want to consult it, then don't.
Alright, alright, alright.
What does it say? Uh my Greek hexameters are a bit rusty.
I can only give you a sketchy translation.
"Flowers of the East will be cut down by foreign foes.
There will be no light, until the valley is at its darkest.
" What a crock of shit.
You're never gonna get a signal.
That's what you think.
Careful! Sorry.
That place had been there for hundreds of years.
How did you know we could get out? Oh.
If there's a way for my phone to get a signal then there's a way for us.
It's Rome! There is always another layer.
Bit like you, ey! I'm a hundred percent surface.
I think I should take the book.
It'll be safe and it'll help build relations between the Museum and the Vatican.
I've made the call.
I'm giving it to the guy.
The "guy?" A priceless relic, and you're gonna give it to a "guy?" He's not just a guy, he's a friend of my nun.
That's what she wants, it's what's gonna happen.
I bet it's the Mob.
You're in Italy and you hear the word "friend" and you assume it's the Mob? That's racist.
I'm just concerned with whom you're dealing.
I'm dealing with God, Alex, I'm a man of faith.
Not like you.
What? Organised and thorough.
Suspicious, cynical, - racist.
- Mr Hooten.
Viene con me.
I can sense you're jumping to conclusions.
Leva quelle cose.
Aw! A mission from God?! - It was.
- You're a liar, Hooten.
You found the Sibylline book? - Yes.
- No.
A "nun"? She must have been acting under duress.
The next one is in your head.
My name is Tramacca.
How did you get this number? Don't press anything, don't alert anybody, just listen.
We have the original Sibylline book.
That's not possible.
If the Vatican want it, it will pay a fee of five million Euros.
I can not sanction a payment of that magnitude.
But you can make a call to those who can pay.
You know the story of the book's origin.
The last king of Rome.
He was offered nine books by the Cumaean Sibyl, but considered the price to high.
So the Sibyl, she went away, and she burned three books, huh? When she returned, she offered the King the six remaining books for the same price, again, the King said no.
The Sibyl went away and burnt three more books.
Finally the King purchased the three remaining books, for the original price.
And now, there is only one.
No! That is the property of the people of Rome! Indeed.
It is a cornerstone in our city's foundation story.
Would you see it lost? Please.
Allow me to consult with the Holy Council.
One hour.
Any contact with the police will see the book burn.
You were in the chapel.
You set me up.
Your friend, Sister Maria, she did not want to cooperate.
She is family to me, you son of a bitch.
In the end, Mr Hooten, there is no family.
Siamo lupi solitari.
We are lone wolves.
I believe that is our true founding story.
Now, who can read this? Mh.
You have a family? - Yes.
- Hmm.
I had the greatest family.
But now I'm an outcast.
My brother was killed 8 years ago, and they blamed me! I am a king, in my world, Alex.
I am an emperor.
Yes, I want the money but, I also want guidance.
I want to know if there's a way back to my family.
Hold the book.
Hold that question in your mind.
And allow yourself to find the truth within its pages.
"You are worn out dead.
"Your tomb is ill-starred.
"It holds no pride, or honour.
"Your throne is lost.
" That could mean anything.
No, no, please! No, don't! Look, I beg you.
Please! There's no need for this! I won't let you! Run! Run! Sorry! Why did you tell him the truth? You could have said anything! I'm not a liar like you! Don't be a Saint, sugar the pill though next time.
Figlio di puttana! You burned a Mafia man's face.
We are so dead! - He deserved it! - This isn't a joke, Alex.
We're going to the airport.
Ideally, we need a shuttle to Mars, but failing that, we are leaving Europe.
We're not going anywhere until I've got my mum! I'm gonna call her.
My bag, my bag! Hooten I've got to go back in Tramacca's, he's got the the hotel key in it, with the these My mum, Hooten! Mum? They've taken her.
No, don't even think about it.
They'll call us.
You have to let me talk to the police now.
Tramacca's gonna have people in there.
They'll be tipped off! They'll shoot your mother and dump her on the side of the road.
I cannot just sit here and do nothing! If you do anything to her, you won't Mr Tramacca, I apologize.
The woman behaved badly.
Yes, she did.
And so did you.
You threatened a friend of mine.
A woman of the cloth.
You think I care.
You will bring the book to the Sant Angelo Bridge.
What is he saying? There'll also need to be recompense, Mr Hooten.
I understand.
What did he say? He, uh just wants the book.
Okay, fine, so where are you meeting him? - St Angelo Bridge.
- Okay, let's go.
I'm going alone, you need to get somewhere safe.
Alex! Oh, shit.
There's a protocol, you'll say the wrong thing, - you'll get us all killed.
- You're an expert in prisoner swaps now, are you? If something happens to my mum, I don't want her - to be alone.
- You're not coming.
It's just too dangerous.
Hey, polizia! Hey, he's trying to steal my bag! What are you doing? No, no, she's goofing around.
English sense of humor.
Inappropriate, not funny, uh, dumb, really.
Ha detto che che i poliziotti sono bastardi! - What did you say? - I told him you think all police - are bastard.
- Mani in alto! Oh, mi scusi! English umoro.
- - Stai fermo! Aw! Aspetta qua.
Where is Mr Hooten? I got rid of him.
You have the book.
Where is my mum? She will be delivered.
I want to see here now! - Alex! - Mum! Look, where is she? I want to see her! This isn't a negotiation.
You don't hold any cards.
Oh - Careful here.
- Scendi.
Scendi dalla macchina.
Aw! You drop that, I shoot you in the groin.
And then I shoot your mother in all fairness.
Okay, you can let her go now.
You think that's it? I dust my hands, and walk away? Recompense must be paid! No! Please! Ah! Kicking on the weak? Even for the Mafia, that's pretty low.
I stole the bike, by the way, in five minutes this place is gonna be swarming with cops.
Let them go and this will work out.
You have the book, you can do whatever you want with it.
- Run, Alex! - Listen to you mother! There's no such thing as a lone wolf.
We all have packs, people who love us whether we like it or not.
Ah! Compa', whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Tutto a posto ragazzi.
It's amazing.
I thought you went to work, catalogued items, occasionally travelled, a reward to revindicate things, but I didn't know that you were running around, making deals with the Mafia.
Goodness knows what your father's going to say about this.
It was an one-off.
It wasn't me, it was Hooten.
Who was this maniac? He was just a guy, he was a jungle-and-tomb-man Sorry to interrupt.
Do you have a moment? Come this way.
I understand you're getting married? A gift from the Vatican.
The Holy Father has blessed them.
May your marriage be strong and happy.
Thank you so much.
Can we go home now? I think I need a session with my psychiatrist.
It questions the life we choose.
Listen, you keep buying, I'll keep drinking.
- You're not well.
- No, it's what it is.
I'm not used to drinking drinks with umbrellas.
He let me think he was dead! You utter bastard! I've been worrying sick about you and you sat around drinking! Alex, I'd like to introduce you to a dear friend of mine, Sister Maria Riva.
Please, join us.
I've heard so much about you.
I'm I'm so sorry Hooten, may I have a word with you? You really did do all of this for a nun? Yeah, why not? Because, Hooten, you only ever think about yourself! Maybe that's what I want you to think.
That is what you think.
You're right.
That is what I think.
Who are you, Hooten? Where did you come from? I am Hooten, and I came from that bar stool right there.
Lady Lindo-Parker.
Have you found this charming one a dress? Did you punch him in the face yet, Alex, because if you haven't, I certainly will.
Forgive me, Sister.
Oh, that's quite all right, Ulysses has that effect on people.
- Ulysses ? - Mmh.
Your name is Ulysses? Do they know your Christian name? I was saying to the sister how hard it was for me to make this escape.
It required the use of the police, bullet-proof vest and some amazing swimming, but fortunately for me, I've been shot - in the shoulder before.
- Hooten? Hm, you can continue with your story, now.
Well, I can't, really, my jaw's Anyway.
It all began when I made the horrible decision of coming to Rome.
Can I get some ice? The fabled Alashry.
Which contains the key to the location of the long-lost tomb of Alexander the Great.
I said stay in the hotel! You snooze, you loose! Similar person uses extreme to dig at secret site! Pretty damn successful.
You need to put that money away unless you are looking for trouble.
What kind of trouble did you have in mind? - Alex! - Always carry an insect repellent.
Just one squirt in the eye Never failed.
Nice pyjamas! He didn't have to die, did he? There is no way you're getting away with this.
I set up camp in the center of town Ready for freedom when it all comes down Snapping my fingers, walking around I'm a dusty jewel in the thrown-out crown Got a bus pass to make my way From hideout to hideout in the heat of the day I got a talisman tote with the whole array And when you catch my coat-tails I'll be miles away Transcribed and synced by LittleDuck, Vivelalto and Bird Proofreading by Aaronnmb and Benaddicted