Hot In Cleveland s03e03 Episode Script

Funeral Crashers

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
You lost my dress? That wasn't just any dress.
That was my magic dress.
I always look amazing in it.
It's form-fitting, but it doesn't suck me in.
I don't even have to wear a shaper with it.
The dress is a shaper.
Magic! You know what, you don't understand.
Let me just talk to a woman.
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
I guess I'm not the first one to make that mista I am? Well, can you just text me when you find the dress? Thank you.
I know.
Our dry-cleaner guy is a woman? She's checking to see if she delivered it to someone else by mistake.
Joy's up.
Frowns, everybody.
Why are you telling me to frown? When I see Joy, it's automatic.
It's the anniversary of the day she was left at the altar.
Yeah, her "non" anniversary.
So just go easy on her, okay? She's extra sensitive.
Got it.
Oh, good morning, Joy.
I made coffee.
Poured you a cup.
Here you go.
Oh, great.
I stopped at the bakery on Franklin and I got you a chocolate croissant.
That's nice.
What are you doing with that dried up old thing? It's my wedding bouquet.
I was talking to the bouquet.
Ooh, they have the number of the woman who has my magic dress.
Hello, hi.
Could I speak to Jenny Van Alstyne, please? Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
and my dress got delivered to her.
So I was wondering if I could swing by today and pick Oh, today's the funeral? Well, it'll just take a few minutes.
I could be in and out Yeah, I can see on some level how that might be disrespectful, but if you could see me in this dress Hello? I'm gonna have to wait until tomorrow.
No, but it might be too late.
What if the family donates her clothes to charity after the funeral? No, no, no.
I can't lose that dress it's irreplaceable.
I mean, it goes from day to night.
It dresses up or down.
Ugh, I can't bear the thought of it going to a homeless person.
They'd only dress it down.
All I need is a couple of minutes in the dead woman's closet to find my dress.
You need to find a way to get invited to that funeral.
Just crash it.
Crash a funeral? I crash funerals all the time.
To meet men.
Okay, how do we crash the funeral? Well, find some details in her obit so we can just blend in.
We? What, you're going with me? Well, I'm not gonna let you have all those grieving hotties to yourself.
Okay, here's her obit.
"Jenny Van Alstyne, Avid collector of coins" Boring.
"Hummel figurines" Creepy.
And hold on "Soap opera digest.
" She had every issue of soap opera digest ever printed.
- So? - So I was on the cover November 27th, 1988.
Oh, I lost my copy years ago, and I have been on a mission to find another one ever since.
I'm going with you.
Me too.
I can't be alone today.
And a funeral is the only place I can cry in public where people won't ask me what's wrong.
And afterwards, I'll take you to a browns game.
It's okay to cry in public there too.
So what are the funeral crasher rules? Number one, if you think you're gonna get caught, just say you're overcome with emotion, and walk away.
Number two, when coming up with a cover story, specific details make lies more believable.
Number three, pick an alias that's close to your real name so it'll be easy to remember.
For you neophytes, maybe, but I am a trained actress.
I will me Zelda Eugene Hackenbrook.
Oh, the stairs are clear.
I'm gonna go see if I can find my dress.
Oh, I'll come with you.
Maybe my soap opera digest is up there.
So what do we do now? It's time to check out the talent.
She was a beautiful bride, wasn't she? She looks so happy.
The groom showed up, didn't he? You mean my grandfather? Yes, he He showed up.
How did you know my grandmother? We met at a collectors convention.
We talked about coins.
Nickels mostly.
Oh, how she loved nickels.
- Hummel-Con.
People dress up as famous Hummels.
I went as wishing well girl.
Sorry, I'm overcome with emotion.
Now, who needs comforting? Two shoulders, no waiting.
Hi, Elka.
I'm sorry, do I know you? It's Roy, from the restaurant.
Ah I knew a Roy Who said he was gonna call me, but never did.
Could you find that Roy and tell him Elka's not interested? Could you fellas give us a moment? Look, I know you're still mad at me, but I need to talk to you about something.
You've got two minutes.
I know this sounds crazy, but I believe the deceased was murdered.
What? Why are you telling me this? Well, that night that we went out, you mentioned that you always figured out who the killer is in those CSI shows within the first five minutes.
That's because I recognize the guest stars.
You don't hire a Tony Danza to play a hotel concierge with three lines.
See, that's the insight we need to solve this case.
What makes you think she was murdered? I live next door, and the night she died, I saw her live-in nurse burying what looked like a syringe in the backyard.
Of course, it could be nothing.
I've got a shovel in my trunk.
- Hey, how you doing? - Hmm.
Well, I've only cried uncontrollably twice, so I think the funeral's starting to cheer me up.
- Mmm.
- Did you find your dress? No.
It's not in any of the closets upstairs.
Oh, don't worry, we'll find it.
If anyone would like to pay their respects, please, feel free.
Oh, my God! That's my dress.
She looks beautiful, doesn't she? It's the dress! That was a bust.
Those mourners were looking at us like we were crazy.
They didn't buy that I was trying to get in a little shoveling practice before the burial.
You know, we've gotta find some proof that Jenny didn't die of natural causes.
Nobody dies of natural causes at 82.
She was just a kid.
I heard her lawyer say she recently changed her will.
If we can find a copy, we can see if the nurse had a motive.
On the closer, she always checks out the computer first.
Oh, it's password protected.
Well, can you crack it? I can try.
It's usually a grandkid's name or a pet's name.
Or a hobby.
Uh Bingo! What was the password? "Bingo.
" You're amazing! Oh, look, her screensaver is the ticklish loris.
What is that? Oh, it's only the cutest animal video ever.
Except maybe the honey badger.
Honey badger? Where have you been? What are you two doing in here? Breaking into a dead woman's computer to solve a murder.
Oh, like on the closer.
No Soap opera digest Ah.
You can't hide from me, young Victoria Chase.
Okay, Anthony Geary cover Erica Slezak cover.
Oh and there I am.
Sandwiched between John Stamos and Rick Springfield.
Look at that face.
All right, I'll say it.
I haven't changed a bit.
So you were rickety back then too? I'm not going to even dignify that question by straightening my neck.
Honey badger don't care.
You'll understand that in a minute look at that dress.
No wrinkles.
That's how well it travels.
It goes from here to eternity.
But how are we gonna get it off her? Well, a drink and a couple of compliments usually works for me.
Wait a minute, you're serious.
You're actually contemplating taking a woman's burial dress off her body.
That's my dress! Now climb in there and take it off her.
Me? Yeah.
I gotta take off my clothes to switch with her.
Plus, you're wearing pants.
Hurry up.
Why? She's not going anywhere.
Someone might come in.
Oh, what the hell.
Happy non-anniversary to me! Oh, sweetie Maybe climbing in a coffin will cheer you up.
How am I supposed to do this? Just ease in, like you're going in a hot tub.
Eww! Oh Eww.
Oh, my God.
What on earth are you doing? The dead lady has on my magic dress.
So you're swapping dresses with a corpse without locking the door? Ugh, rookies! Hey, I found my soap opera digest.
Oh, wow, and I had totally forgotten about this interview.
"Victoria chasing the dream.
" Do you think you could read that later and give me a hand? Oh, absolutely.
Oh, listen to this.
"In a few short years, Victoria Chase "has become daytime's 'it' girl.
"Over lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe, "the model-thin Ms.
chase ordered "a very un-model-like cheeseburger and fries.
"Quote: 'This town's full of actresses on diets.
'That's not me I love to eat.
'" oh, my snap is stuck! Of course, I just said those things, you know, to confuse the competition.
You know, I figured there'd be some young actresses out there who would read it, be inspired to chow down, and then just, like, pork themselves right out of the business.
It's like this dress is glued on.
Victoria, help! Oh, I'm sorry.
Of course.
Let's see, where was I? "When asked about the future, "Ms.
Chase exclaimed, 'you're gonna see me "'on the silver screen- Spielberg, Coppola, Scorsese.
"'I'm gonna work with all of those guys.
"'And if I'm still doing television when I'm 35, just shoot me.
'" oh, my God.
I'm such a failure.
I haven't done any of the things I set out to do.
No one has sunk as low as I have.
You do realize I'm straddling a dead woman? Oh, uh, occupied! What? I gotta get in there! Damn, two locks.
I'm sorry, I just wanted to pay my respects.
What happened to your clothes? Oh, I I was so overcome with grief that I was rending my garments.
Do you mind if I have some time with Jenny? - Who? - The deceased.
Oh, oh, that Jenny.
I'm sorry, I didn't know who you were talking about because we were so close that we gave each other nicknames.
I called her rooster.
Do you think you could come back another time? I drove all night to be here.
I have to see her one last time.
- No, no, no.
- Don't open that! Why? Uh She was in an accident and was horribly disfigured.
Well, I don't care.
I have to say good-bye face to face.
- Hold it - Oh, my God, I Wow.
The undertaker did a wonderful job.
Is she even dead? Oop.
Yep, she's dead.
Look at those big loris eyes.
I'll tickle you.
Ah again? Well, don't you think we should get back to the murder investigation? Oh, yeah.
You're right.
Um, is there a will listed in her documents? No, nothing.
Just a screenplay called Hummels: A Love Story.
The nurse must have erased the will.
Well, that means the nurse has access to this computer.
You know, I saw a Law & Order one time where they looked up the killer's web browsing history and found incriminating searches, like household poisons, how to kill someone.
They've really dumbed down that show.
I just need a little time alone with her.
We'll be right outside! All right.
Hi, Jenny.
It's me, Dan.
I know it's been a long time, but I just had to see you again.
There hasn't been a day in the past 50 years that I haven't regretted breaking our engagement.
It's the biggest mistake I ever made.
Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? No! - Jenny, is that you? - No! What are you doing in there? Who are you? Joy Scroggs.
And speaking for all jilted women, you are not forgiven.
Who made you their spokesperson? Trust me, I am way overqualified for the job.
There was the guy who left me when I got pregnant as a teenager, or the guy who left me at the altar.
Take your pick.
Look, you've obviously made a lot of different life choices that led to you lying in a coffin.
But you have no idea how much I loved that woman.
Not enough to stick around.
Jenny and I were supposed to get married, but I called it off because I realized I couldn't give her the life she deserved.
She was too good for me.
Well, did you tell her that? No, because she would have tried to convince me otherwise.
But I knew the truth.
That's why I disappeared.
I wonder if that was the case with the guy who left me at the altar.
Oh, one look at you, I can tell he wasn't good enough for you either.
I forgive you.
I I mean I'm sure she'd forgive you.
We forgive you.
She met someone else, you know, after me.
I heard from mutual friends she was very happy.
That's nice.
You know, sometimes I think I'll never get married.
Oh, I can't believe that.
But if I may say so, you might be going about it the wrong way.
May I ask what you were doing? - There was a mix-up at the dry cleaners.
I was trying to get my friend's dress back.
I couldn't see you at all in there.
How'd you even fit? I dropped out of college to become a magician's assistant.
He left me for the girl who swallowed the swords.
Please come in, everyone.
- What happened? - Where's my dress.
Still on the dead woman.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! Oh, I know.
It's been a sad day for all of us.
But I just try to remember To everything, there is a season.
Mine was fall, 1988, oh, is that from my grandmother's collection? Yes.
She wanted me to have it.
Were you and my grandmother close? She called her "rooster.
" Well, perhaps you'd like to be the first to say a few words.
Oh, improv really isn't my thing.
Just speak from the heart.
Share some memories of happier times.
When we are young, we are so naive and full of hope we believe that anything is possible.
And we make plans that never materialize.
And instead of accolades, our lives are full of regrets.
Although she ultimately failed, at least she tried to reach for that brass ring.
But my grandmother didn't fail.
She was chief of surgery at the Cleveland clinic.
Well, yeah, Cleveland.
Cock-a-doodle-doo, old friend.
Okay, would anyone who actually knew my grandmother like to say a word before we move to the cemetery? I'd like to.
Van Alstyne was the kindest, sweetest person I ever met.
It was an honor and a privilege to be her live-in nurse.
Murderer! You made up that whole murder thing? Why would you do that? I'm sorry, I was just trying to get you away from those silver-haired pretty boys.
- You garter-sock blocked me? I didn't call you after that date because I was scared.
My wife had just passed away, and I wasn't ready to move on.
And then I was, and you were engaged, and your dead husband appeared, and It felt complicated.
Well, why did you come up to me today? Because as soon as I saw you, I knew I'd made a mistake.
If you're ready for me, I'm ready for you.
I am.
- Oh, hey, your non-anniversary is almost over.
It ended when I talked to Dan.
In fact, this is the last year on the non-anniversaries.
It's time to move on.
Bravo, Joy.
And I'm ready to move on from the naive words of a silly little girl.
You know, tv was very good to me.
And I'm proud of the work I've done.
Good for you, Victoria.
And besides, Helen Mirren didn't win an Oscar until she was 60.
So that means I have, what I guess I'm gonna have to give up all hope of ever seeing my magic dress again.
You know, it was a burial, not a cremation.
I'm just sayin'.
Elka, we're gonna need your shovel.
That's for solving crimes, not committing them.
But it's my magic dress.
I'm sorry sweetie, honey badger don't give a [Bleep]! Okay.