Hot In Cleveland s03e04 Episode Script

Happy Fat

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Do you remember? You know that neighbor who always looks at us like she wants to kill us? - You mean judgey face? - Too-many-garage-sales lady? We really need to learn their real names.
It's judgey face.
She's chasing after me, and she's armed.
Oh, Joy, come on.
Our neighbors are very sweet.
I seriously doubt that she's-- I know you're in there.
Oh, she's got a judgey voice too.
Where is she? Who? The one with the legs.
I'm right here.
You know who I mean.
That one.
Please What did I even do? You dropped your mail, bent over, and picked it up.
Yes? In those shorts.
Don't you know there are children in this neighborhood? Children whose fathers water the same patch of grass for 45 minutes, waiting for you to come and pick up your mail.
It's the only part of my lawn that's green.
Excuse me, but I don't think Joy meant-- No, it's not just her! It's all of you! You move into this neighborhood with your Hollywood hair and your gorgeous clothes that never have sleeves.
It's no wonder all our husbands stare.
Oh, do they really? I haven't shown my upper arms since 1998, and you know how hot it gets in August.
From now on, we will cover our arms.
No, no, I don't want you to change.
I want you to change me.
Oh, we love makeovers.
First makeover rule-- no sharp accessories.
You know something I would not change? Your perfume.
It's so Wholesome.
It's bacon and maple syrup.
But I want to change.
I want my husband to pin me up against that shower wall like he used to.
And not just because we both can't fit in there together any more.
We can handle it.
We've done this for lots of friends back in L.
Remember when Angelina Jolie was so skinny, people thought she was going to die? That was us.
Oh, I wish we could get started right away.
But I'm sure the twins' swings have slowed all the way down by now.
How's tomorrow morning? - Sure.
- Fantastic.
- Great.
- We'll see you then.
- See you then.
- Okay, bye-bye.
- Oh.
- Our first Cleveland makeover.
Well, this city has done so much for us.
I think it's time that we gave back.
We really are wonderful, aren't we? So where should we begin? Well, her clothes for starters.
Everything she was wearing was chosen for comfort or some other ridiculous reason.
Joy, did you piss off a biker gang, too? Roy took me on a motorcycle.
And we got here on a motorcycle I took Elka on.
Roy, Elka, you guys are yelling.
I-I think the motorcycle affected your hearing.
Oh, no, I let Roy do the steering.
You won't believe how loud that engine is.
Um, would you like to say our good-byes on the porch? I heard "porch.
" Oh, I was right.
I didn't want them to hear us.
I didn't want them near us either.
Let's make out.
Now I wish I couldn't hear.
The hair and makeup departments are ready.
Diet and culture is ready.
Exercise and constructive self-loathing is ready.
What are you charging for this makeover anyway? It's free.
Still seems pricey.
Shouldn't you be out with Roy, your rebel without a prostate? Rebel is right.
I had no idea what a wild man he is.
Roy? He sees a motorcycle, we have to rent one.
He sees a pet store, we have to wear the biggest snake on our shoulders.
Better watch out for tattoo parlors.
Too late.
I'm sitting on a butterfly.
Roy's younger than I am.
I'm '40s Sinatra, he's '50s Sinatra But he thinks we're the same age.
And he must keep thinking that.
Now, lucky for you, all three of us have dated younger men since moving to Cleveland, and the most important lesson we've learned is to be totally dishonest.
You have to lie about your age, your weight.
Your energy level, all of it.
And you have to be up for anything.
And sometimes down for stuff.
You mean I have to lie about everything? - Yes.
- Yes.
But when you lie about your age, be careful.
Make your birth year a nice, round number or the math is unbearable.
Well, for you maybe, but I can add or subtract anything from 1963.
But everyone calls Marilu Henner the genius.
So I could be born in1935.
When did you turn 18? Oh Too slow.
It takes practice to really deep down know your new fake age, but it's completely worth it.
Because after a while, you actually start to feel that age.
You mean I could feel like I'm in my 70s again? Yes.
Oh, that would be righteous.
Look out, world.
Here comes out Elka at 78.
Not till my next birthday.
Now you're getting it.
Look at us, doing good, getting to know our neighbors.
That must be judgey face.
Pam and Sally want in.
Their husbands have been gawking at you too.
Gawking, honestly? At which one of us? Please, come on in.
Hi, I'm Melanie.
I'm Pam.
You came to one of my garage sales, remember? But you didn't come back to any of my other garage sales.
Yeah, we call you "goes to one garage sale.
" Wait a minute.
Joy's the one with the legs, and I'm only "goes to one garage sale"? I'm Sally, and I want to fit into my short shorts.
That might take a little "time time.
" Okay, befores Welcome to your L.
Now, today's topic is food.
What is your relationship to food? Kim? - I love food.
- Me too.
The only dreams I ever remember are of food.
One night I dreamed that my husband was made of chocolate.
Then his snoring woke me up.
So I ate a bag of Oreos in the bathroom.
Well, you're going to love this diet, because it lets you love food, obsess over it, dream about it, even put it in your mouth.
You just can't swallow it.
Are you serious? We can't eat? Well, think of food as a bad boyfriend.
It only wants you to love it so it can screw you.
Let's talk about meal planning.
Now, what is the most important meal of the day? - Breakfast? - Exactly.
Which is why it's so important to skip it.
For lunch, you can have a salad.
Cobb salad? Steak salad? Mexican salad with the edible bowl? You can't just take an entire meal and slap the word "salad" on it.
And if you make it through the entire day without eating, congratulations-- you can have one large Martini.
Or some veggies and fish if you're in A.
I read somewhere that if you don't eat enough, your brain starts to eat itself.
Which is more lost weight.
After I got out of the army, I hitchhiked around for a while-- dangerous stuff, even for 1952.
I was 17 in 1952.
I like the adventure of the road.
I didn't settle down in once place until 1955.
And I came to Cleveland in '57.
So What should we do next? You know me.
I'm up for anything.
Oh, I noticed that.
I didn't even have to talk you into riding that backward roller coaster with me.
Wasn't that fun? I thought you were a thrill seeker.
Now I know for sure.
- Takes one to know one.
- Yeah.
You know, maybe we should do something crazy.
Like what? How about skydiving? Oh, I'm up And down for that.
Great job, ladies, especially whoever was crying on the way up that last hill.
Thank you.
- All right, time for our weigh-in.
Pam, you're first.
I lost four pounds.
Care to make a declaration? Well, to tell the truth, my arms are so sore, I haven't been able to hug my kids all week.
- Marvelous.
- Fantastic.
I'm next.
Two pounds.
Declaration? I did my hair and makeup the way that Joy taught me, which made me a couple of hours late for work.
So a few 911 calls did go unanswered.
But the cute Starbucks guy winked at me and gave me a free pastry, which I, of course, chewed and spit out.
You lost five pounds.
How do you feel? I don't know.
Shaky, cranky.
I think the word you're looking for is "happy," huh? Oh, oh.
Now, until you actually lose the weight, everyone looks thinner in six-inch heels.
Now, practice walking around the neighborhood and pretend you're as comfortable as you were in those Crocs we just took away from you.
I can't feel my feet in these.
The bluer the toe, the sweeter the shoe.
Everyone's going to stare at us.
Oh, you're welcome.
There you go.
You're doing it.
You are doing it.
Ooh, Sally's down.
And she's back up.
What a triumph.
We are literally changing lives.
Roy and I are going skydiving tomorrow.
Skydiving? You can't do that.
It's too dangerous-- both for your real and fake ages.
And I lied about my weight on all the forms.
By how much? As much as you told me to.
Oh, my God, you're going to die.
You have to get out of this.
All right, I-I have some experience in this area.
You need to lock yourself in your trailer and demand a stunt double.
No, you need a young-ish excuse to get out of it.
Uh, you're wasted from doing Jell-o shots.
Or you got your period.
I can't believe I listened to you three.
You'd think I would've learned something after 77 years on this earth.
That is fun to say.
Roy, I admit it.
I'm scared.
But you were nervous on your first jump, right? I sure am.
What? I have a confession to make.
I lied to you.
I've never done this before.
But you said you were a paratrooper in Korea.
Yes, that was the lie.
So we don't have to do this.
Let me unhook the tandem line.
That's the safety-- And that's the last set of Kegel exercises for today.
Quick, get these away from me.
I'm having a relapse.
What is that? The walking taco.
I can't resist them.
It's chili, cheese, sour cream all floating on a salty bed of crushed Frito goodness.
I put raisins in mine.
Then it's a salad.
How many calories is that? I'm the beautiful mind of vanity math.
- Can I have it back? - Of course not.
You shouldn't have even brought it here.
You should have thrown it away at your house.
At my house, I would have just eaten it out of the trash Like I want to do now.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hush, little judgey face, don't you cry I only lied to make myself seem more exciting.
But I'm no thrill seeker.
I only lied about that because I lied about my-- - Oh! - Aah! Oh.
Oh, this is gorgeous.
Oh, it is.
So what did you lie about? Uh, in good time.
Let's just enjoy the view.
Are we floating off course? We're heading for Lake Erie.
They said with our combined weight, we'd drift right onto the field.
About that Lovely day for a swim, isn't it? Aging gracefully is a myth.
Nature is only your friend until you're 25, and then you have to turn to the unnatural-- Botox, fillers, and lasers.
I've heard lasers are painful.
Victoria will cover pain killing tomorrow.
Don't miss it, and don't plan on driving home.
Laser treatments make your skin look years younger.
Here's how.
Imagine this marshmallow is your sad, wrinkly face.
Now here comes the helpful laser.
Of course it looks burnt and blistery now, but when the crust peels off, it's all creamy and smooth underneath.
Any questions? No, you can't eat it.
Jerry, what are you doing here? I knew you weren't scrapbooking.
Are you the lucky husbands? Please come in.
And tell us what you think of your fabulous new wives.
We want our old wives back.
Yeah, our old wives weren't hungry and cranky.
And they didn't take so long to get ready.
But look at the results.
They're so hot.
How can you stand it? Are you talking about sex? Because my wife said that's over until she gets abs.
My wife says nobody can have abs and kids at the same time.
She says Gwen Stefani does.
Is that the new kindergarten teacher? Gentlemen, are you listening to yourselves? Now, your wives didn't just do this for you.
They also did it for themselves, for their own personal dignity.
Personal dignity? Well, we were always doing it for our husbands.
I think this is romantic.
The guys just want their wives to be themselves.
Is that true, Jerry? Did you really like me the way I was? Of course.
But you're always staring at them.
Just to stare.
I wouldn't want to be married to them.
Oh, God, can you imagine? That would be a nightmare.
New Kim doesn't even smell right.
You don't have that Bacon-y freshness.
Oh, Jer.
Come on, Sally.
Let's get home and burn those short shorts.
Let's go, baby.
- Thanks, you guys.
- For what? Well, all we wanted to know was that our husbands didn't want you.
And we got that.
Who needs a makeover now? I'm sorry if that came off mean.
I'm very hungry.
Apparently they think we are gorgeous nightmares.
They didn't say "gorgeous.
" Well, it was implied.
Well, I think it's sweet how much they love their wives.
They did seem happy.
Well, they're happy because they're back where they were before you hens pecked at them.
Elka, you didn't die.
Not so fast.
She could just be back to haunt us.
I'm alive.
And I told Roy the truth about everything.
Oh, big mistake.
He's okay with it.
What is happening to men? Have standards sunk so low that men are now accepting women as they are? You girls should accept the way you are.
You should stop lying about your age, and you should eat.
Do you think we're nightmares, too? Can I go one at a time? Oh, it's no fun kicking you when you're down.
I'll wait till tomorrow morning.
Maybe she's right.
Maybe we should loosen up our routines a little.
Are you saying, "when in Cleveland" "Eat a bit more"? I smell something from our kitchen.
It's the walking taco.
And it's not quite in our kitchen.
That looks really good.
It's still in the bag.
Just grab it already before the cheese stops bubbling.
So this is what happiness feels like.
I feel so warm, like my insides are giving me a hug.
Te amo, walking taco.
Te amo.
I'm unbuttoning my pants Like an animal And loving it.
Feel my chili bump.
It is so freeing not stressing about what we eat.
- We're loosening up.
- Hmm.
Maybe we can change.
Yeah, but isn't the lesson "Don't change"? I-I mean, when we were in L.
, we were-- we were like everybody else, but we came here, and then we were special, and if we make everyone else like us or--or we try to be like them, then The spell is broken.
You're right.
They're happy being themselves.
We're happy being ourselves.
We just need to find men who like us the way we are.
Men whose dream it is to marry nightmares.
I'm buttoning.
Yeah, we need to work off these calories fast.
We need to take a power run.
I'm not running anywhere with this belly full of chili.
So why did we pour that whole bag of marshmallows on top? That's what makes it a salad.