Hot In Cleveland s03e05 Episode Script

One Thing or a Mother

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Someone's looking sexy tonight.
I was talking about me.
I'm going out with Roy tonight.
Well, here's to us all having hot dates on a Friday night.
I have a date with a model.
He's young, good looking, and a model.
Have we seen him in anything? Oh, tons of stuff.
The greater Cleveland Mutual Bank ad where the hands shake, uh, the insurance ad where the hands cradle the baby chick, and that plumber ad where the hand pulls out a wad of hair from the drain.
So, he's a hand model.
Yes a model.
Well I'm going out with Lou again.
I absolutely adore him.
- But? - No buts.
If he's dating you, there's a but.
I have no idea how old he is.
He's got the young face, old hair thing and because he's African-American it makes it even harder.
You know what they say.
Black don't crack.
Do I have to whisper if it's a compliment? Why don't you just ask him how old he is? Because then he might ask how old I am, and I haven't decided yet.
I have a date with cute, cuddly, funny Andy.
Did I tell you that he coaches kid's soccer? Oh, sounds poor.
Victoria! Anyway, I think tonight's the night.
I never could.
Like you ever had a 12th date.
To your beauty.
Well, I'll drink to that.
Oh, my God, your hands, they--they really are amazing.
Yes, they are.
Proportionally, they're identical - to Michelangelo's David.
- Hmm.
They're virtually poreless, so they don't sweat under the lights.
And my skin is smooth as silk, yet taut, like that of a ripe fruit.
Feel how plump, yet firm, my hand meat is.
It's incredible.
I don't ever want these hands to stop touching my face.
I can't tell you how many hand jobs this bad boy has done.
Hand jobs? Well, yes, they're my bread and butter.
In fact, the hand job I did today is paying for this dinner.
Oh, voila.
Where's my silverware? Oh, this is Ethiopian food.
You eat it with your fingers.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, I can't touch exotic foods with my hands.
The spices might discolor my cuticles.
Well, uh, I'm not sure what to do.
Would you mind? Mmm.
So, I had to pull some strings, but I was able to get us reservations at Finique.
Oh, that's so sweet.
We could go there.
Or, we could go upstairs.
Are you kidding? The whole point of the fancy dinner is to get upstairs.
Oh, uh, to be clear, your bedroom is up there, right? Because, otherwise, I'm really hungry.
I have a theory that the music you listen to when you're young defines you.
For me it was '80s music: U2, Michael Jackson, Prince.
How about for you? Well, when I was young, I studied the piano.
So I was into Baroque music: Bach, Handel, Vivaldi.
Oh, I love that era, because it's so - Ageless? - Yes.
Would you excuse me? I'm going to use the restroom.
Excuse me.
Do you see my date over there? How old do you think he is? Hard to say.
I can't tell if he's 45 or your age.
How old do you think I am? I don't know, 60? It's hard to tell with white people.
You crack.
Elka, what are you doing here? I--I thought we were meeting in the restaurant.
I thought an indoor picnic would be fun.
I've never seen your place.
Oh, it's a mess right now.
You know where my favorite place is for an indoor picnic? Outdoors let's go.
Are you hiding something? Roy, who's at the door? You said your wife died.
She did.
That's my mother.
Oh, your mother? How old is she? That's a rude question.
Uh, Elka, this is my mother.
Mother, this is Elka.
How do you do, uh, nice to meet you.
You remind me of Roy's first wife.
Thank you.
I didn't like her either.
How are we supposed to date if your mother doesn't approve? Elka, we're grown-ups.
We don't need her approval.
We can just sneak around.
I wish your father was still around.
So he'd keep her occupied.
Oh, I wish he was too.
But, they broke up last year and he moved to Boston.
Oh, it's Mother.
She's having chest pain.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Elka.
I'll call you soon.
Oh, of course.
Hey, what happened with Roy? Oh, his mother isn't feeling well.
I'm sorry? His mother? Well, how old is she, like 110? Yes, next week.
I just met her, and she doesn't like me.
Why, did you bring up some hot-button issue like the Spanish-American war? What happened to you? Ugh, oh, Chad's car got a flat and since he has a job tomorrow, I had to change the tire to protect his hands.
He's a model.
Oh, your phone.
Oh, it's from Roy's mother.
That bitch! Elka! "I can fake a heart attack whenever I want.
G-T, G-T, P-I-R-I-O.
" What--what is that? It's senior text.
Gotta go, the price is right is on.
So, how old is Lou? No idea.
The man is impossible to pin down.
Maybe instead of dating him, you should be carbon-dating him.
Wow, that was great.
Are you kidding? It was fantastic.
Up high.
Which one of us are we high fiving? Team effort.
There's no "I" in orgasm.
Well, now that we came upstairs, I'm kinda missing that fancy dinner.
Well, I could make you something.
Oh, no, it's okay.
I'll go grab us a snack from the kitchen.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
What? Do you want your boxers? Because I think they're here somewhere; I can find them.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm good, unless it bothers you.
No, no, no.
I love it.
I just thought you might feel a little exposed.
Well, your roommates aren't home yet, right? - No.
- Well, then I'm cool.
My God, these pierogi are so good.
Don't look now, but Andy's in our kitchen and he's half-naked.
Oh, my gosh, yum.
Red shirt, no pants-- that's an interesting look.
He looks like Winnie the Pooh.
Morning, everyone.
So how was the 12th date? Oh, so great.
You know, worth the wait.
But? Okay, there's a but.
We know.
An actual butt.
Oh, no, you saw him.
He came downstairs last night.
He looked a little like Pooh Bear.
That's it! Yeah, it's a difficult look for a man to pull off.
It's sort of like being naked under a trench coat.
You know, when a woman does it, it's sexy, but when a man does it, you call the cops.
I want him to stop, but I don't know how to bring it up.
What am I gonna do? You could ask Piglet.
Last night, in the middle of the night, he got up to open the window.
Pooh Bear.
This morning, he was sitting in my leather chair reading the paper.
Pooh Bear.
But I said I loved it.
Like you do.
What am I gonna do now? Maybe you should ask Roy to talk to him.
He was a guidance counselor.
He's good at talking to people about stuff.
Unless it's his mother.
Wait, his mother? Roy lives with his mother and she doesn't like Elka.
She just needs to get to know you better.
Oh, let's just have a cocktail party.
And we'll all talk you up.
And you can turn on your unique Elka charm.
I am damn loveable.
And I'll invite Chad so that you can all experience his hands.
And I'll invite Lou, and you guys can help me figure out how old he is.
Maybe Roy could talk to Andy and subtly let him know that he should wear pants so we don't have to see his his Hundred Acre Wood? And Chad, this is Lou.
Hey, that looks like the handshake from the Greater Cleveland Mutual Bank commercial.
That was me.
I got a lot of money for that BJ.
BJ? Bank job? Well, I can't go around telling people I make money doing bank jobs.
People would think I'm a criminal.
All right, moving on, Chad, this is Joy.
Oh, hello.
Is something wrong? No, it's just that um, as a hand model, I'm sensitive to hands that aren't Gender-specific.
Just say it.
She's got man hands.
Is there something on my face? No, nothing definitive.
Chad, this is Andy.
Ah, oh bother.
Uh, I'll get some towels, okay? Just keep your pants on.
Oh, that's okay, I've got my soccer clothes in my car.
- I'll go grab them.
- Okay.
You can't laugh every time he says something vaguely Pooh-like.
He said bother.
You can't make that stuff up.
Oh, okay.
Roy and his mom are here.
Are you ready? Remember, always be sweet.
No insults.
Oh, it's gonna be hard.
Hi, welcome.
Hello, everybody.
Which one's Pooh Bear? Wow, oh, it is blustery out there.
Never mind.
Thank you so much for coming.
Uh, Mother, this is Melanie, Joy, and Victoria.
Ooh, all so slender.
You could probably learn something from them.
I try.
In fact, I feel I'm a better person just by being around them.
It's just an act, Joy.
Don't get all gooey on me.
Roy, this is Chad.
Oh, Chad, hi.
Oh! Feel like I'm squeezing a flower.
Oh, thank you.
It wasn't a compliment.
Oh, but it was.
And this is Lou Moore.
Lou Moore, unbelievable.
- Roy Miller? - Yeah.
I thought that was you.
Oh, how are you? You two know each other? Oh, yeah, Lou went to my High School.
What? Oh, that's right.
You were a High School counselor.
No, Lou and I went to school together.
He was a freshman when I was a senior.
Lou is the same age as Roy.
Are you kidding me?! So do you really think that Chad and I are perfect together or are you just saying that? No one said that.
Time to bring out the pierogi.
So I can tell his mother to bite this.
Since it is such a special occasion, and we have such lovely guests, Elka has made her famous pierogi.
Why aren't you clapping? Oh, I never clap.
The risk of damaging my finger pads is too great.
Roy told me that you made pierogi.
I-I'm looking forward to trying them.
Well? Eh, they're all right.
You've had better? I make better.
Uh, Roy, get the pierogi that I brought in my bag.
You brought your pierogi? Well, I know what my son likes.
I remember these.
We used to eat these when we sat around listening to the radio.
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The shadow knows! What's it going to be, Roy? Do you want the pierogi lovingly made by the hands of your mother? Or the ones Elka made? Why is this so tense? I'm not a fan of sweaty palm moments.
So, if I win an Oscar, which I will, you're saying that you won't clap for me? Absolutely not.
I can give a terrific salute, double finger guns with a mouth click.
Or I can go contemporary with a roof raise.
But no clapping.
Please, continue.
Go ahead, Roy.
Pick your pierogi.
No pressure.
Sorry, Mother.
Yes! Elka, this is fantastic.
- Well, I am leaving.
- Aww.
Ugh, my heart.
She's faking.
I'm going to faint.
I've got you.
I usually get good money for this kind of reach around.
I can help, I'm a doctor.
You are? How did I not know that? I retired 20 years ago.
Her pulse is fine.
But I suspect she's having a panic attack.
We should take her to the hospital just to get it checked out.
Okay, all right, um, oh, I'm so sorry, Elka.
I'll call you tomorrow.
All right, let's go.
I got your purse.
Oh, I almost forgot, Andy, the Pooh Bear thing is weird.
Cover up, nobody wants to see your junk hanging out.
You were calling me Pooh Bear? Is that why everyone was laughing at my Bears jersey? What? No.
I get hot down there.
It's a real problem.
You said you loved it.
- Andy-- - No, no, no, okay.
Well, then, just forget it.
I'm done.
There will be no 13th date.
W Wow.
Quite an evening.
You should leave too.
What? Why? I have no future with a man who won't clap for me.
I understand.
Good-bye, Victoria.
Could I Enjoy my hand meat one last time? Of course.
I love dating you, Elka.
But it's too stressful with my mother faking heart attacks.
I understand.
Good thing is she can't live forever.
At least that's what my wife used to say before she passed away.
Does your mother hate all the women you date? Just the pretty ones.
Oh, Elka, we're so sorry.
I thought I'd reached an age where I didn't have to deal with mama's boys any more.
Yeah, well, at least your man could feed himself.
At least yours didn't leave an image you can't get out of your head.
Or your leather chair.
I didn't have any issue with Lou.
Except that he was as old as the hills.
You're always saying age is just a number.
If you like Lou, you should be dating him.
You're right.
I'm gonna call him.
Joy's dating an old guy.
Well, that was wow.
Still got some fuel in the tank.
I would say you do.
So, um, my age isn't an issue for you? Not at all.
- Good night.
- Night.