Hot In Cleveland s03e06 Episode Script

How Did You Guys Meet, Anyway?

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
I thought you said coming to a football game would be great for man-watching.
It is.
There are two over there.
Oh, I'm sorry, I should have specified.
Men not wearing dog masks.
This line is crazy.
I wish I could be one of those ballsy, brash women that just says, "screw it," and walks right into the men's room.
Those women are usually drunk.
Screw it, I'm goin' in.
There are stalls in there, right? Well, I'm sure I don't know.
Well, I don't care.
You two look ridiculous.
What are you in dog years, like 1,000? And what's Manchester united? It's a football team.
Real football, where the men use their feet, not their hands.
I have no use for men who don't use their hands.
Melanie, you look like you've seen a ghost.
No stalls, troughs for urinals, like some sort of hellish pig farm.
Drunken men, barely aiming.
That's it.
No more man-watching.
I'm done with men.
You know, that's funny, but those are the exact words you used the night that we met.
That's right.
We all said it, didn't we? Now, how did you guys meet, anyway? Wow, Elka, you never ask questions like that.
If there were a TV in view, I wouldn't, but there isn't, so-- Well, it was back in the '80s.
I was on the rooftop of a hotel in Beverly Hills, crying.
Which is really a shame, because I was having a very good hair day.
I deserve better than this.
I'm Victoria Chase, damn it! I'm Victoria Chase.
Victoria Chase? You recognize me? I was never that into Madonna, until, you know-- Yeah, I looked adorable in that outfit.
Yeah, right.
I was a little younger.
Well, I didn't know you then.
I can only picture how you'd look in it today.
It's hilarious.
We can still pass for women in our 20s, especially since we moved to Cleveland.
You moved, you didn't go back in time.
Oh, well, you probably want an autograph.
Uh, who shall I make it out to? I'm Melanie, but I'm sorry, I don't know who you are.
Do you ever feel not-so-fresh? Excuse me? Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
I don't hate you.
I don't even know you.
No, no, no.
Those are lines from commercials I did.
Manly, yes, but I like it, too.
I'm sorry, I don't watch much TV.
Well, have you heard of the movie, E.
? Yeah! Who hasn't? Were you in it? Well, I was up for the part of the mom.
I even slept with the producer.
Used to mean something in this town.
I haven't had a real acting gig in over a year.
And I'm starting to wonder if it's ever going to happen for me.
Oh, don't say that.
I mean, you seem really theatrical.
You're very in touch with your emotions.
Oh, thank you.
I was trained to cry at Julliard.
You know what, instead of crying, let's talk about why we're crying.
Well, that's not a bad idea.
And I'm a very good listener.
You know, most actresses don't listen, they're just waiting for their next line.
- Oh, well, I came here - Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- To spy on my boyfriend.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Because I thought - Oh, yeah.
That he was cheating.
You want to go first, don't you? Oh, if you insist.
Um, I came to this hotel to seduce the director of this music video I appeared in.
You're in a music video? Yeah, but, uh, it wasn't exactly a stand-out part.
Cut! Girl number three-- I have a name.
Yeah, I know, I just used it.
- Will you stay in your place? - Sorry.
And Action! Cut! Again, number three, what's with all the emoting? You know, asking someone with my training not to be expressive is like asking a flame not to burn.
I am not a mannequin, I am an actress.
Right, then act like you're fired, and get off the stage.
- No, but-- - Off the set! So after the director fired me, I thought, "Well, what would Madonna do?" And so I got down on my knees.
And prayed? You're a little naive, aren't you? No, it turns out that the director was already sleeping with the real Madonna, so it didn't work.
You're way prettier than Madonna.
Naive, but insightful.
So why were you crying? Oh, well, I thought my boyfriend was cheating on me.
So I couldn't afford a detective, so I thought I'd do my own snooping, you know, just like in Moonlighting? I thought you said you didn't watch TV.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Anyway, I, um-- I followed him up to the eighth floor, Um, can I help you? I--I was just trying to see who was in there.
The peephole's for the people on the inside.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Wow, strawberries, whipped cream, champagne.
Guess we know what they're doin' in there.
It is the honeymoon suite.
Wait, his name should be on the bill.
I can't let you see that.
Oh, please? I-- I think my boyfriend's in there with another woman.
I'm sorry.
I'm a stress eater.
It's a real thing, I saw it on Oprah.
- On what? - Oprah.
It's a new TV show.
She's very opinionated.
I don't think it'll go very long.
Room service! - Coming.
- Oh, no, mm, that's him! Oh, I haven't really thought this through, have I? I don't know.
- Oh! - Hey.
Melanie? No.
Melanie, I know that it's you.
No, you don't.
A-ha! Not in there.
Where is she, Jake? There's no one here, honey.
Then what are you doing here? I couldn't work at home.
They're doing construction next door.
How do you explain the champagne and two glasses? The honeymoon suite was the only room available, and this stuff comes with the room.
A likely story.
Wait, that-- that does make sense.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
Look, go home, let me get back to work, and I'll see you tomorrow.
Or You could let me make it up to you right now.
After all, we are in a hotel room.
Honey I really need to work.
Who wants to work, when you can play? This is gonna be really sexy when I get down to button 40.
Babe, I'd love to, but I'm on a deadline.
You're right, you're right.
A good girlfriend would let you work.
No interruptions, no jealousy.
So I'm gonna go, okay? But you should know that the woman walkin' out that door, she trusts you 100%.
Why is this so small? Come to think of it, I wasn't wearing a sweater when I came in here.
You are cheating on me.
Where is she? It's probably from the last guest.
The perfume is still fresh! Tell me where she is! You already looked.
I didn't know how tiny she was.
A-ha! Not that tiny.
Melanie, you are acting crazy.
You looked everywhere, there's nothing here.
You have to trust me! You're right.
I am a paranoid, insecure, jealous idiot Who is smelling that perfume again.
You must be Melanie.
Melanie, let me explain.
Half-naked girl with really great hair hiding in hotel room.
I think I got it.
But why, Jake? What did he say about me? What were his complaints? He says you talk too much.
I do not talk too much.
Ow! How dare you say I talk too much! I talk just the right amount for a person who's supposed to be-- oh, it's very hard to defend yourself about talking too much without talking.
Melanie, you don't talk too much.
Look, babe.
It's not you.
It's me.
That's deep.
You bought that B.
? It was a new line then.
What were you doing at the hotel? Waitress? Maid? High-priced call girl? I was at the lowest point of my life.
Low-priced call girl.
Is that someone else crying? It's not a trained cry.
Oh, my God, don't jump! Quick! Jump on that runaway train! My God, even in crisis, I'm witty.
We can pull her up.
Are you okay? Why did you do that? We thought you were gonna jump! And you wanted to make sure? I wasn't trying to kill myself.
I just dropped my handkerchief.
It was supposed to dab my tears of joy.
Instead I was using it to dab the tears of Joy.
My name is Joy.
- Oh.
- Oh, you poor thing.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm Melanie Moretti.
And this is Victoria Chase.
- Did you see E.
? - Maybe not now.
I'm Joy Scroggs.
Isn't that a hideous name? I was about to be Joy Jones.
So snappy and alliterative.
I was this close to being Scroggs-free.
Hi, I'm Joy Jones.
This is Joy Jones.
Come in! Unless you're the groom.
Bellman, ma'am.
Delivery for you.
Just a moment.
I'm fine, thank you.
You look like you came right off the canvass.
- You could-- - Well, I came right off the-- - out of the zoo.
- Out of the zoo.
- These are my little-- they're apes, they're gorillas, - they're not monkeys.
- Oh, is--oh.
- Yes.
- Sorry.
What an annoying woman.
Hey, are you all right? I can't move! Oh, my God! I'm paralyzed on my wedding day! You want me to get a doctor? No, I'm sure it's just temporary.
Just a hideous freak accident on the happiest day of my life.
What are you delivering? It's a note from a "kick bones.
" Kyle Jones, he has terrible handwriting.
But otherwise, he's perfect.
He's my fiance.
Would you mind reading it to me? I'll try.
Uh, "Dear Jay--" Joy.
Are you sure? It looks like "Jay.
" I think I know my own name.
"You're such a sweat person.
" Maybe it's "swit.
" "Swit person.
" It's "sweet," you idiot.
Obviously, he thinks I'm sweet.
It's not that obvious from here.
No editorializing.
What's next? "But" Are you sure the word is "but"? Y--yes, he wrote that real clear.
All right, go on.
"Our relationship is ever.
" Ever what? Everlasting? Ever-fresh? There's no word after "ever.
" Oh, I see, it's not "ever," it's "over.
" "Our relationship is over.
" Oh, that makes more sense.
Oh, my God.
There's more.
No, I can guess the rest.
Just go! Usually I get a tip.
Here's your tip.
Never fall in love.
Well, I already did, and we have a baby on the way, so every dollar counts.
Okay, hold on.
I'll just get my purse.
Well, how are you? Well, I'm pretty good, according to what everybody says.
You sure look-- Stop staring at me, you're creeping me out.
Were you on TV in the '80s? Yeah, I shot J.
My heart is truly broken.
I don't know how I'm gonna get through this day, let alone the rest of my life.
Well, you could always go back to Australia.
I'm not from Australia, I'm from England.
I took accents pass/fail at Julliard, and I passed.
How can you stand this woman? I just met her.
Florida panhandle.
- No, I'm from L.
- Oh, I don't think so.
So what did you do after you heard the news? I couldn't stay in the honeymoon suite, so after the feeling returned to my limbs I checked out.
Another couple took the room.
This cute guy and this perfect, petite-- Oh, no, that was her boyfriend.
Hideous, stunted, little freak.
Thank you.
I didn't know where to go, so I ran up here.
What about the wedding guests? They're all down there waiting.
I can't tell them, it's just too embarrassing and painful.
I just can't do it.
Uh, excuse me, excuse me, everybody.
Could I have your attention, please? I'm Melanie Moretti.
You don't know me.
Well, I don't have to tell you you don't know me.
If you don't know someone, you know you don't know them.
Wow, I really do talk too much.
My boyfriend was right-- ex-boyfriend.
He's upstairs perking some little pocket Venus.
I'm sorry, reverend.
Um, I have an unfortunate announcement to make.
All men are bastards.
Especially Kyle Jones.
Perhaps I should handle this.
Uh, hello.
I'm Victoria Chase.
I'm sure that you recognize me from my movies of the week, commercials, the Ooh-la-la Sassoon ad.
No? Really? Seriously? Nothing? Yeah, I thought that would, uh, turn my career around, but it didn't.
You see, men aren't the problem, it's life.
We all have dreams, and those dreams get crushed, and then you're-- Oh, excuse me, my cellular phone.
Wow, it's so small.
Hello? No, no, you're not interrupting anything.
You're kidding.
Honor St.
Raven on Edge of Tomorrow? I got the part! Oh! My God! Oh, my God, okay.
Okay, forget everything that I said.
Hollywood is a magical land where dreams do come true.
Oh, this calls for champagne.
Let us celebrate this happy day.
Aren't you forgetting something? Oh, yeah.
The wedding's off.
My only worry this morning was who I would toss this to.
Seems so trivial now.
I say you toss it to yourself.
I predict that you will meet someone wonderful, and be married within the year.
I just keep looking at you and thinking, "what kind of idiot would walk away from that?" If you're not married in If I'm not married in 20 years, I will jump off that roof.
This is so sweet of you.
None of my girlfriends could fly over from England.
Fine, Australia.
Maybe you should stay at my place tonight.
I know I could use the company.
Oh, and then tomorrow we can go to the beach, and slather ourselves with baby oil, and just lie out in the sun all day.
Get a nice, healthy tan.
And then tomorrow night we can hit the singles bars.
I am through with men.
I'm done with men too.
Ah, who needs 'em? Well, we're all good liars, which is often a good basis for friendship.
I can't believe I'm laughing today, of all days.
I really don't know what I would've done without you.
To us.
We've only just begun.
May it be a long and happy union.
Here, here.
French champagne.
Hey, was this guy rich? Victoria, he was a terrible guy, it doesn't matter how rich he is.
Are you sure you're from L.
? Yeah, your values are suspiciously middle American.
You know, people tell me that all the time.
Maybe I should move there.
Move to the Midwest? Good God, I'd rather die.
Now you're all living in the Midwest, middle-aged, and alone.
It's funny, 'cause it's true.
We're not alone, we have each other.
So that's how we met.
And we all remember how we met you.
Now, there's just one thing about this place that I should mention.
Why are you renting to prostitutes? This is Elka Ostrovsky, she's a caretaker who comes with the house, if you wish to retain her.
I'll leave you to get all that worked out.
Look, Elka, these women don't really seem to be your style.
They're from L.
, what did you expect? I went out there one time.
I did well on a few game shows, but I was very glad to come home.
I'll tell them the place is no longer available.
Oh, no, no.
They can stay.
I'll fix 'em.