Hot In Cleveland s03e16 Episode Script

Everything Goes Better with Vampires

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Just wanted to make sure it was working.
It's working.
Glad something is.
I don't come to your place of business and bother you.
You're our maid.
I'm on break.
Wow, that is some wat.
Are those real diamonds? Yes.
Thank you.
Must be nice.
Melanie, you have got to fire our maid.
No, I'm not going to fire Jacki.
I've never fired anyone.
You do it.
I can't.
I'm a celebrity.
We all saw The Help.
A cautionary tale that when you fire maids, they write tell-all books.
That's the message you got from that movie? Well, that and the devastating and lasting effects of Southern humidity on your hair.
I know.
We'll get Joy to do it.
Uh, no.
Won't work.
Jacki says she can't understand Joy's accent.
Anyway, who are we going to find to replace her? Couldn't you just clean up after yourselves? Elka, we are not in the mood for jokes.
Actually, you should be the one to fire her.
When we moved in here, you said that you were the caretaker of the house.
Hasn't that ship sailed? Shh, I think the TV went off.
She might be coming in here.
Oh, Jacki, while you're up there, would you mind changing the sheets on my bed? I'm sorry, I don't speak your language.
One of you has got to fire her.
Oh, Joy, you look so pretty.
Rick Springfield is picking me up any minute.
Oh, honey, is it really Rick Springfield or just another guy that you think looks like Rick Springfield? Like pudgy Rick Springfield, or black Rick Springfield, or psycho Rick Springfield who tried to choke you in your sleep? He had night terrors.
Waking up next to you who wouldn't.
Look, it really is him.
I was downtown shopping, and I saw someone who looked like Rick Springfield, so I chased him for a few blocks, as one does.
Yeah, we remember.
That's how you met rasta Rick Springfield.
But this time it really is him.
He's only in town for one night.
Some rock and roll hall of fame thing.
Oh, this date has to go perfectly so I can live out my high school fantasy.
Not graduating in a maternity dress? No.
To sleep with Rick Springfield, which I plan on doing tonight.
And I don't care how sleazy that sounds.
Oh, my God, that's him.
Prepared to be shocked and awed.
Hi, everybody.
Well, she's closer than Chinese Rick Springfield.
Girls, you remember my friend, Mamie Sue.
Yes, hi.
So Elka tells us that you two are writing a radio play together again for the senior center? Yes, this year we're adapting Gone With The Wind.
I know radio plays are a little old-fashioned, but we have so much fun writing them.
We sure do.
Although the pages you wrote last night were total crap.
Well, yours were so bad, I'm using them as placemats under our tea.
Oh, you made tea.
Come on.
Now that's got to be him.
Prepare to be shocked and awed.
- Hey, Joy.
- Hey.
Oh, my God.
You're Rick Springfield.
Yeah, didn't she tell you I was coming? Yeah, but Joy has met with so many guys who look-- These are my friends, Melanie and Victoria.
- Hi, Rick.
- Hello.
Loved your work on General Hospital.
Oh, thanks a lot.
Hey, is there a rest room I can use? Down the hall to the left.
Oh, Melanie, that one's broken.
Uh, use the one in my bedroom, right at the top of the stairs.
Nice to meet you.
- Yes, nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
That's so exciting.
Rick Springfield is going into your bedroom right now.
I know.
Brilliant, right? I mean, let's face it.
Look how nervous I am.
I would have made a complete fool of myself at dinner and ruined everything.
So, you're still going to sleep with him? Why wouldn't I? Well, he's incredibly rude.
I mean, when I complimented his acting, that was his cue to compliment my acting.
It's just common celebrity courtesy.
Well, I'll go up there and give him a good tongue lashing.
Oh, it's Donald.
He's apologizing for running late.
Or, as he puts it, "Being dilatory.
" I take it from your tone of voice you will not be misdirecting him up to your bedroom? Well, at first I was flattered that this big-time professor found me interesting.
I mean, he's so smart.
He knows so many things.
So what's the problem? It's exhausting.
I got tired of hearing about what things are vis-a-vis other things.
It just makes me feel dumb.
And not sexy-dumb, which I'm fine with.
Get out! Don't just burst into my room without knocking! Hey, is that Rick Springfield? Must be nice.
Glad I didn't waste my time changing those sheets.
And then when Scarlett's father gets thrown from his horse See, that sounds just like a neck breaking.
I have an idea, too.
It'll help us appeal to our younger audience.
It would be great to see some 70-year-old butts in the seats.
What is it? One word: Vampires.
There aren't a vampires in Gone With The Wind.
But there could be.
Vampires are all the rage.
For people who like things that suck.
Which I don't, including your idea.
The old biddy with no creative vision says what? I'm creative! At least I don't wear the same track suit every day.
Better than an applique sweater you can see from outer space.
Oh, cookies are done.
I doubled the recipe so you can take some home.
Oh, you spoil me.
- Gorgeous legs.
- Hmm.
Thank you.
No, I was referring to the wine.
Yours are quite comely.
Mm, what a nose.
Me or the wine? Oh, my amusing poppet.
Ah That's just how I dreamed of it.
We only met this morning.
Uh, I napped earlier today.
Oh Where's your scar? What scar? The scar from your motorcycle accident.
I cried for a whole week.
What's going on here? UhOh.
Oh, wow.
I gotta go.
Call me.
That's Tommy Tutone.
No, I'm pretty sure that was me.
Rick Springfield.
Well, I'm heading home.
Although, it doesn't seem like much of a home since my deadbeat husband left me.
Well, take care.
See you next week.
Oh, uh, somebody accidentally broke your trophy while dusting.
Oh, my God! You broke my Daytime Emmy? Sit down, Julie.
It's Jacki.
I said sit down! You can't put vampires and Southern Belles together.
It's called a mash-up.
Everyone is doing it.
That's what you said when you wanted me to get a microwave.
Get a microwave.
It's 2012! How well this wine expresses the terroir of the Dordogne.
Oh, brother.
Did you say something? Look, Donald, we've had a lot of fun.
And I do appreciate the reading list.
Uh, but I just don't think we're on the same page.
Oh, don't put yourself down like that, Melanie.
I just don't think things are going to work out between you and I.
You and me.
Oh, my God.
I'u trying to break up with you, and you're correcting my grammar.
What? You'd rather be ignorant? Hmm, I would rather be alone, so why don't you just go? Gladly.
And to paraphrase Catullus-- Oh, get out! Folks, nothing to be alarmed about.
There was an armed robbery in the area, and we're imposing a mandatory lockdown until further notice.
But he can go, right? Well, you can't fire me because I quit! I never want to see you again! That's still too soon for me! Get out of my sight, you fake Rick Springfield! - Out of my way-- - No, you can't leave.
There's a manhunt going on.
The police have ordered everybody inside, so nobody can go anywhere.
Well, this is awkward.
I can't believe it.
Not only I didn't I sleep with Rick Springfield, I don't even know the name of the guy I did sleep with.
Not now, Joy.
Some of us have new problems.
Frankly, I'm afraid for my life.
The police have it under control.
Not from the criminal.
I'm scared of Jacki.
I fired one of the 99%, and now she's occupying our living room.
I bet Donald's our there right now judging us for our lack of books.
We have books.
Yeah, but they're coffee table books.
They're not fooling anyone.
We could be stuck here for hours or days.
How are we going to kill time without everybody killing each other? We could play charades.
This isn't some dinner party gone flat.
No, it's eight people trapped in a house who can't stand each other.
Oh, so it's Thanksgiving.
All right, all right.
All right, we are four intelligent women.
Now I'm sure that we can come up with something a little less lame than charades.
- Movie? - Movie? - Two words.
- Two words.
Is it The Lion King? Yes! Is it The Lion King? Imitation is the highest form of flattery.
Not in this case.
One point for The Lion King.
Or in your case, the lying king.
Somebody translate.
Well, she's making a pun vis-a-vis the celebrated animated feature, The Lion King.
You know, a lot of people regard puns as a lower form of humor, but Shakespeare would sometimes put as many as three in a single line, so kudos to you, Joy.
Shut up, Poindexter.
Oh, I don't know this one.
Quelle surprise.
Must be mine.
"I wrote The Iliad in the original Greek.
" Read this in the original Greek.
Bravo, Melanie.
I'm not cleaning that up.
Have you ever cleaned anything up? Oh, the duchess of stick-up-her-butt doesn't like the way I clean.
If you can talk like that, you can understand what I'm saying.
Anyone? You're funny.
Shut up, fake Rick Springfield.
Look, my name is Tom Fontana.
Who's Rick Springfield? You mean you've never heard of Rick Springfield? Sorry, I'm not up-to-date, rappin' granny.
So you really just go around pretending to be Rick Springfield and seducing women? Yeah.
I mean, women of a certain age.
You did not just say that.
What are you guys so upset about? So I guess the game's over? Sorry about that, folks.
That was just a misfire.
The suspect is still at large, so please remain inside.
Before you go, just curious.
What is the maximum penalty for destroying an Emmy? How many years is she looking at? Me? She has like about a thousand unpaid parking tickets.
Thank you so much, Officer.
We will remain vigilant.
Look, I am sorry I broke your stupid Emmy.
But it was an accident.
I've been a little distracted since my husband left.
I didn't know you were married.
See, this is the thing with you.
You don't know anything about my life because you don't think I'm as important as you.
Oh, this is utterly, completely Maybe true.
Oh, my God.
I'm the bad person in The Help.
But in fairness, you are terrible at your job.
That's true.
But maybe it's a way to keep a little dignity and not feel like your slave.
Oh, that's why you pretend not to understand me.
They come to our country.
They take our jobs.
The least they can do is learn to speak the language.
I'm sorry, Jacki.
I will try to treat you as an equal.
I've never treated anyone as an equal, but I will try.
Well, thanks.
I'm sorry, too.
Well? What? Well, in the spirit of apologies that seem to be in the air, don't you owe me one? Okay.
Okay, here's the deal.
I'm a tollbooth collector.
Want to sleep with me? - Uh.
- Ah, I didn't think so.
It's not a job that attracts women.
Every now and then, a woman would tell me I kind of look like Rick Springfield.
So I grew my hair out and copied his look and women started throwing themselves at me.
Isn't that rather shallow? Said the woman who just wanted to sleep with Rick Springfield? I just wanted to live out my teenage fantasy.
Me, too.
My teenage fantasy is to sleep with a lot of women.
Can we look at this as a win-win I suppose.
Although it's not very flattering that you'll just sleep with any woman who comes up to you on the street.
Not any woman.
I mean, you're very attractive.
Has anyone ever told you you look like Kate Beckinsale? Yes! All the time! Yeah.
Actually, Melanie, speaking of doppelgangers, first time I saw you at the coffee shop, I remember being struck by your resemblance to Titian's Venus of Urbino.
Well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't flattered by that.
I'd also be lying if I said I knew who that was.
A really hot Italian chick.
Oh, well, see, why can't you talk like that all the time? I guess it's a bit of a defense mechanism to cover up my insecurity.
Oh, you got a little one, uh? Good one, Jacki.
Actually, if you must know, I'm positively equine.
I guess what I am is jealous.
You're a published author, and I'm an author with many rejection slips.
Are you talking about Do Before She Dies? I mean, it's basically just a list.
Actually, it's delightfully well-written and inspiring.
Thank you.
Even though I know you're just quoting Victoria Chase's blurb on the back.
Well, if you're going to steal, steal from the best.
That's what I always say.
I'm jealous, too.
Of you.
Why? You and I used to be so close.
But ever since these girls moved in, you've gotten alt hip and modern.
And I'm afraid I can't keep up with you.
Mamie, that's crazy.
You're still my best friend.
Oh, Elka.
You batty old broad.
Oh, Mamie, you lovable ditz.
I will get it, my friend.
"Friend" is too far.
Yeah, I didn't like it, either.
Oh, hi, Officer.
Any news? The suspect is in custody.
You're all free to go.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Well, thank you.
You guys are great.
You're welcome, ma'am.
I mean, miss.
Hey, they got our letter.
Well, I guess that's good-bye.
Well, no.
You could stick around and finish your glass of wine.
Hey, we could play another game.
I like games.
So do I.
I have an idea.
We could read the play we wrote.
Your version or mine? Let's make it a mash-up.
And you guys could be in it, too.
You could all read parts.
Or To play devil's advocate, we could not do that, and I could take you all out for a sumptuous repast at Finique.
That's brilliant.
Let's do that.
We should have told them there were vampires in our play.
You were right.
Computers are amazing.
Just don't download Angry Birds.
It's the mother of all time-sucks.
Let's read back what we just wrote.
I'll be vampire Scarlett, you be vampire Rhett.
"Evening, Miss Scarlett.
" "Oh, Rhett, what timing.
"We just drained a fresh yankee.
Mammy's mixing up bloody juleps.
" This is good.
Speaking of juleps, isn't it cocktail time? After all, we are writers.
I still think we can kick the script up a notch.
What about a vampire-on-werewolf love scene? How about we throw in a cyborg? No.
They didn't have the technology to make cyborgs in the civil war.
Get your head in the game.
Well, get your head out of your-- Ooh, vodka.
You know me so well.