Hot In Cleveland s03e17 Episode Script

Claus, Tails & High-pitched Males: Birthdates 3

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Bless me father, for I have sinned.
It's been three months since my last confession.
And what is your sin, my child? Well, I--I lied.
I told my friend Joy that I had a great guy to fix her up with, but, really, I have no one.
Well, you should be honest with her.
If she's truly a friend, she'll forgive you.
No, father, you don't understand.
Instead of celebrating our birthdays, we have this annual thing called birth dates, where my friends and I set each other up.
It's kind of a tradition for us.
Well, that sounds enjoyable.
Yeah, it does.
But it's not.
The dates are usually disasters.
Between the conjoined twins, the guy with breasts, and the man I thought was Jesus.
I--I mean, that-- That one was great.
Well, a lot of people experience sadness on their birthdays.
I've noticed that the older nuns often experience a certain melancholy when we take them to Arby's on their special day.
See, I don't want my friend to feel like the nuns at Arby's.
But she's not making this easy.
She's been very specific about not wanting anyone with baggage or-- Or weird stuff in their past.
Say, listen, uh Do you happen to have a picture of her? You set me up with a priest? No, no.
No, no, no.
He's giving up the priesthood.
He no longer believes it's his calling.
SoGod's loss is your gain.
Wow, so his first date ever will be with Joy? Shouldn't he go on one of the kiddie rides first? You're gonna love him.
He's a really great guy.
He puts the Communion wafer on your tongue with such assurance.
So strong, yet so tender.
I think you might have to be catholic for that to be hot.
Although with no prior romantic experience, he's gonna need someone to help him Guide him, mold him into exactly what she wants.
It's almost too easy.
And how's the hunt for my date going? Oh, trust me, Victoria, I have found the perfect person for you.
Physically perfect, right? Not that "beautiful on the inside" nonsense.
I promise, you're gonna be thrilled.
I better be.
So, Elka, what kind of a man would you like me to find for you? You know how last year all I wanted was a billionaire? And you learned your lesson, hmm? Yes, I learned my lesson.
I want another billionaire.
Well, I'm all set.
Remember when we saw Jersey Boys, and I thought the guy that played Frankie Valli was so cute.
Well, Elka somehow got me a date with him.
I just emailed him a naked picture.
- Of - You.
I-- took it while you were asleep.
I don't sleep naked.
I took some liberties.
Oh, no.
Elka, I just got a text from your billionaire.
He--He can't make it.
Really? Why? Well, I guess he was somewhat involved in a drug cartel.
Drug cartel? Did you do any research at all? Seriously? A billionaire who wants to date a 90-year-old? First "yes" you get, you go, "okay.
" But, Elka, this I vow: I will not rest until I find you the perfect date.
Hey, is anybody here over 80? Oh! Well There you go.
Lucky for you I like facial hair.
I mean on men.
Hey, what's going on over there? Oh, I think I know what's happening.
Oh, Captain! Captain Lebeau? VictoriaLook at you.
You're a ten if by land and a ten if by sea.
Oh, well.
Does that make any sense? Does it matter? So, uh, ahem, where are you from? Oh, up North.
Canada? A little farther north than that.
I have a rather large toy distribution center up there.
It's a seasonal business.
Father Brian! Oh.
- Oh, he's cute.
- Yeah.
Joy, this is father Brian.
Oh, it's just Brian.
As of two hours ago! Here, I got this for you.
Oh, a-- a wrist corsage.
Oh, it's wrong, isn't it? I'm sorry.
My last date was Junior Prom.
Is there a Mrs.
seasonally-based toymaker? There was, but we're taking a break.
Oh, I get it.
My Max and I have what we call a An area code relationship.
What's that? Well, when we're in the same area code, we're faithful.
But if he's off gallivanting with those whores in Boca I get to have my fun.
Oh! Oh.
Oh, oh, ho.
Ho ho ho.
Well, you're a playful little elf, aren't you? Hi, Jimmie.
I'm Melanie.
I--I-- I loved you in Jersey Boys.
And I just want to say I'm very embarrassed that friend sent that picture to you.
Ah, don't worry about it.
I thought you looked fantastic.
What? Well, I know you sing in a high pitch, but is that how you-- I lower my voice for the speaking performance, but it's really bad If I do it all the time.
I get nodes.
Ahem.
And we're sure that's worse? Well, this is The way I talk.
Is-- Is that gonna be a problem? No! No, not at all.
I love it.
We are going to have an excellent time.
Oh, what a night! No, you're perfect.
A perfect specimen of a man.
Well, everyone has an imperfection.
You know, freckle, mole.
A tail.
A what? A freckle on my back, from the sun.
I swab the deck shirtless.
No, no, no, no.
What was that last thing you said? A tail? I have a tail.
You know A tail.
Am I using the right English word? Oh, God, I hope not.
So you've never been with a woman before? No.
I feel so clueless about everything.
All I know is what I've heard from people who think it's a good idea to go to a celibate guy for advice on their sex life.
Are you saying you're looking for someone to help you? Guide you? Mold you? Well, that would be fantastic.
Well, if you want to be the best lover on the planet, listen to every single thing the woman says and spend lots and lots of time doing those things.
Really? Because that is not how I hear it described in confession.
Well, forget everything you've heard in confessional.
Look to me for guidance.
Oh, I truly feel I can.
Oh, Joy You're the most beautiful, fascinating creature God ever made.
- Oh, my.
- I'm sorry.
Is that a normal thing to say on a first date? Yep, totally normal.
Keep 'em coming.
I did Jersey Boys for the money.
But what really feeds my soul is volunteering.
Really? So what do you do? I just got back from volunteering from a depressed town in northeastern Namibia.
Totally wiped out by a flood.
The water kept getting higher And higher Can I get you guys anything else to drink? Sherry? Sherry, baby? A vestigial tail.
That really exists? My mother always said it made me special.
Oh.
- But enough about the tail.
- Mm.
I only have two days in Cleveland.
How should we spend this brief but magnificent time together? Well, let's see, um You know, there are some fabulous restaurants.
And then, of course, there's the Rock and Roll Hall of-- Okay, the tail.
Just tell me how long it is.
I--I really need to know.
I'm picturing it like-- Like the nub of a boxer.
I have no nub.
I'm a grown man.
I have a grown man's tail.
He has a tail! Now, how could we not know this? Well, I never got that far with him on the boat.
Nor were there any flies to whap away.
I'm glad that you all find this so amusing.
I'm sorry, it just feels so good to be able to laugh.
My date sounds like Mickey Mouse, and I'm having a hard time keeping it together every time he talks.
Excuse me.
Do you know where the little boy's room is? That's him.
How am I supposed to deal with that? Alright, here's what you do.
Now, whenever I felt like I was about to ruin a scene by laughing, I would bite the inside of my mouth.
I once lost a large chunk of cheek when I was doing Love Letters opposite ESPN's Chris Berman.
Well, my date is going great.
He finds me so irresistible.
He's giving up the priesthood for me.
Like in The Thorn Birds.
Well, my date Is Santa Claus.
You mean, he looks like Santa Claus? No, I think he is Santa Claus.
But things aren't going so well for him.
He and Mrs.
Claus are taking a break.
It-- oh, it's a whole thing.
And what makes you think he's Santa? Look, I'm not crazy.
Everything he says points straight to it.
I'll get him to admit it.
You just wait.
Elka, you have a very active imagination.
However, may I remind everyone that my date has a tail.
Yeah, now, is it a big tail, or is it more like a stub? He's a grown man It's a grown man's tail.
Oh, I am so sorry.
No problem.
- Santa - Yes? I knew it! You are Santa Claus.
All right.
Okay, okay.
Not so loudly.
Yeah, but what are you doing? Why are you here? Well, if you must know, I--I like Cleveland.
I fit in.
I've decided to move here and open a chipotle.
Chipotle? Yeah, you know, great burritos, - organic ingredients - I know what chipotle is.
But what about you being Santa? Well, frankly, I've had enough of it.
You try carrying around the burden of knowing who's naughty and who's nice.
It's too much for one man.
Well, you take this bar here.
Naughty.
Real naughty.
What about me? Well, you're just naughty enough.
Oh, Santa.
And, finally, the golden rule is the three-second rule.
What's that? It means you can't look at another woman for more than three seconds.
Well, why would I do that when I'm looking at you? That does sound crazy.
Yeah.
But some men-- Bad men-- Like to scope out all the other women in the room.
Really? I wonder why.
I think I might be a bad man.
No! You're not a bad man.
Stop looking! Wow.
I am breaking Matthew 5:28 all over the place.
I mean, look at those legs.
Yes, look at them! Although, I don't know.
Maybe I'm not a leg man.
Maybe I'm into something else.
No, no-- you're definitely a leg man.
I've been giving Communion to that? So, tell me, have you ever thought of Having it removed? You Americans.
You always want to have plastic surgery to get rid of any tiny imperfection.
This is not how we do it in France.
No, but in your circumstance-- It is said that the most beautiful woman in the world-- Catherine Deneuve-- has a tail.
What? You know the saying.
"You wouldn't kick Catherine Deneuve out of bed for wagging her tail.
" No.
Well In French, it rhymes.
And it's a little bit more clever.
So what do you plan on doing when Jersey Boys is over? Actually, I'm auditioning for a production of Richard III.
Really? I love Shakespeare.
Really? Well, then Oh, gosh.
Now is the Winter of our Discontent.
Made glorious summer by this son of York.
And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house And then I introduced him to scoping, and he scoped out Melanie's breasts.
They are having a good night tonight.
I mean, rude! I was so close to creating the perfect man.
There's no such thing, Joy.
Even God takes a perfect man and slaps a tail on him.
So how's it going on your date, Elka? Oh, not well.
I mean, he's admitted he is Santa, but he wants to quit his job.
Well, he can't do that.
We don't have anything if we don't have Santa.
And we all need a little magic in this world.
We do need magic.
You're gonna have to go out there and save Christmas, Elka.
You have never been so right.
Thank you, Victoria.
Okay, crazy lady's gone.
And I have an announcement to make.
The Captain is not interested in losing his tail, and I have decided to respect his choice.
Well, that's very grown up of you.
Hey, listen, I've gone out with my share of men who I would rate a six at best.
Going into this date, Captain Lebeau is a 10.
And the tail, ah, maybe knocks him down to an eight.
So does it wag when he's happy, or get all fluffy when he's scared? It isn't furry, Melanie.
I don't think.
He's an eight! You need to keep doing good to inspire good in the world.
There already is good in the world.
Chipotle is good.
Okay, Santa.
I really need you to forget chipotle and listen to me.
All right.
When I was a-- a child in Poland, I mean, my family had had a particularly hard year.
We didn't expect any presents for Christmas.
But somehow, there were.
Well, that was my job.
I mean, there weren't millions of gifts.
But the fact that you came at all meant everything to us.
To me.
OhElka Hello, Melanie.
Where are you going? Oh, I just have to ask Melanie a question.
Why? Don't worry, Joy.
I'm still in love with you.
I'm just also in love with your breasts.
Not cool, dude! Not cool! Am I funny? I make you laugh? I'm sorry, but, yes, you do.
And, uh, could you say, "Oh, no, Mr.
Bill," for me? Jimmy, please-- I am gonna waste your ass-- Gentlemen, stop! Sir, you came here with one woman.
And this is who you will stay with.
I would never talk to another woman when I'm fortunate enough to be in the presence of beautiful Victoria Chase.
He just got bumped up to a nine.
And you, sir, yes, you have a silly voice that people laugh at.
But you should be proud of yourself No matter your shortcomings.
I, myself, have-- A beautiful face! And, really, nothing else really matters, does it? Great speech.
Come on.
Well, that was entertaining.
I Excuse me, miss.
Do you know what happened to the gentleman who was sitting here? Who, Eric? I don't know.
Maybe he went back to the homeless shelter.
- Oh - Oh, he's off his rocker.
You know, he told a waitress here that he was Santa.
Crazy old dude.
Listen, missy, that kind of name calling won't get you off the naughty list anytime soon.
I'm sorry I got carried away.
I'll always think of you as my first, Joy.
Until you actually have your first, and then you really won't.
So I guess my voice is too ridiculous.
I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings.
I'm very immature.
Melanie Let's just say every night on stage, I sing, Big Girls Don't Cry.
But tonight, well, this big boy Actually might.
You'll never know what you missed.
Well, now I want you back.
- Really? - No.
Okay.
So Would you like to go back to my hotel room? Aye aye, Captain.
Wonderful.
Let's see what we have here.
You have the salmon.
Two glasses of wine.
And, let's face it, most of the mushroom caps.
I think you owe $37 to my $32.
What? Now, I was willing to take the tail.
But being cheap, ho ho, that takes you down to a five.
And I will not date a five.
So what have we learned on our special day? That this was a terrible idea.
Happy Birthday.
You know, maybe we should just forget fixing each other up with men and enjoy each other's company.
Right? Ooh! Hot firemen.
ButYou just gave that whole speech about-- Shut up, Joy.
Hello, hero.
Hello, ladies.
Can we buy you a drink? Yeah.
Thank you.