Hot In Cleveland s03e18 Episode Script

Cruel Shoes

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Ladies, I have the most exciting news.
A bottle of your finest champagne.
You know, when you say that to the air, we don't get champagne.
I am pleased to announce that no longer am I just celebrated celebrity Victoria Chase.
But I am now Victoria Chase, celebrated celebrity shoe designer.
In this box is my creation, and I've been invited to show it at Cleveland Fashion Week.
Cleveland has a fashion week? I mean, maybe they could pull off a fashion hour or a fashion afternoon, but a whole week? Believe me, I had my doubts too, but apparently Cleveland Fashion Week is a big deal.
It is.
It's where Mr.
Jeff debuts his collection every year.
Okay, I'll ask.
Who's Mr.
Jeff? Only the hottest tracksuit designer in the business.
Someone designs those things? Comfort & Leisure magazine gave him four recliners.
High praise indeed.
Nothing comes between me and my Mr.
As a little mental palate cleanser after that image, please show us your shoes.
They're gorgeous.
How exquisite.
I mean, you know, they're not the cure for cancer, but can you wear the cure for cancer with jeans and formal wear? I hope that's not your slogan.
It's just a protype.
And I've authorized Marco, my cobbler in Italy, to ship two dozen pairs.
And as a matter of fact, I was thinking maybe you ladies would like to model my shoes on the catwalk.
Oh yes! Are you kidding me? I've always wanted to be a model.
Oh, great.
Joy? Sure, whatever.
Why aren't you more excited? Oh, I modeled a ton when I was younger.
Kinda burned out on it.
"I kinda burned out on it.
" I mean, come on! As the woman who spent her prime modeling years in a back brace and a home perm, I'm so psyched.
I used to model when I was younger.
Togas? I was a model for a very big artist.
Da Vinci? That's the same joke twice, Joy.
Like your breasts.
Where is that champagne I ordered? I'll get us some cocktails.
Now that we're models, we may as well go on a liquid diet.
- Excuse me.
- Yes? He must have read what I wrote about her in the men's room.
- Are you insane? - I'm sorry.
Please don't slap me or scream.
I'm just doing things on my bucket list.
See? "Go to a bar and kiss the most beautiful woman in the room.
" Thank you.
But aren't you a little young to have a bucket list? Unfortunately I'm not.
I only have a few months to live.
I wanna get through as many of these as I can.
You're serious? Yes, despite the effort of some brilliant doctors, a well-meaning prayer circle, and one highly-questionable wizard I found on the Internet, I'm gonna die soon.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Don't be.
I mean, we're all gonna die.
I just have the advantage of knowing when.
I must say, you're awfully upbeat about this whole thing.
- Hmm.
- What do you have exactly? Oh, type four pseudoxanthama spongiform encephalopathy.
I mean, not to brag, but it was the diagnosis on House a couple weeks ago.
What is it exactly? It's show about a grumpy doctor.
Tell me more about your disease.
Well, it's very rare.
And with any luck, they'll name it after me.
Fingers crossed.
Look, I could tell you all about it in excruciatingly boring details, or you could let me take you out to dinner and I could buy you expensive wine and just get lost in your accent.
What do you say? This is so sudden I don't know what to say.
Then say yes.
Every good thing in the world starts with yes.
Except that song, Yes! We have no bananas.
What does that mean exactly? And what was the question asked that led to that answer? And why am I prattling on about this when precious seconds of your life are passing by? Sorry, I think there's something about your dying that's making me very nervous.
Is that a yes? Yes.
Marco, the shoes aren't here.
They're supposed to debut in two days.
Due giorni! How do you say "idiot" in Italian? Hell if I know.
"Elifino"! What a nightmare.
My shoes are late.
Melanie and Joy are awol.
I'm supposed to be teaching them the model walk right now.
- The model walk? - Yeah, you know.
Straight spine, shoulders back, walk on the balls of your feet.
And of course look bored and distant.
You look like a zombie.
Oh, thank you.
When I was a model the goal was to look happy and attractive.
Yes, and people married for love, exercised for fun, and ate food for pleasure.
Things change, old-timer.
Sorry I'm late.
I was just getting all model ready.
What's that on your face? Is that a wart? No, it's a beauty mark, like Marilyn Monroe, Cindy Crawford.
Uh, but beauty marks go above the lip.
Where's mine? On your chin.
That's wicked witch territory.
It must have slid down.
Oh, no, I used too much glue.
It won't come off! It's not that bad, is it? How long would it take you to grow a beard? Sorry I kept you out so late.
I hope you had a good time.
Are you kidding? Dinner, shooting range, drinks, booze cruise, dancing, after hour club, breakfast.
It's like we crammed five dates into one evening.
Have you always been this energetic? Oh, no, no.
In a way, this disease has its upside.
Like now when I wanna do something, I do it.
If I don't, I don't.
For instance, I have no interest in meeting your mother.
I will not share my dessert with you.
You get your own damn mousse.
And I won't see your one woman show.
What if it's naked? Still no.
I'll run lines with you.
The sun's coming up.
What's that? "Stay up all night with a gorgeous woman.
" Let me see that.
"Get lost in Sao Paulo.
" "Try blowfish.
" That's actually "try blow and fish.
" Two things.
Ah, "streak through the Sistine Chapel.
" "Kiss a dolphin.
" The animal or the football player? Either or.
"Eat a hot dog out of a hamburger bun"? Well, I put a few easy things on there.
I like to cross things off the list.
There's a lot of sexual items on this list.
I know, I'm disgusted with myself.
But you see any you like, though? - Well, I'm not doing that.
- Oh.
- Uh, not doing that again.
- Oh.
Uh Don't have a twin sister.
Oh, "Join mile-high club.
" That's interesting.
Great, let's go.
Excuse me.
This is our first date.
You said it yourself, we crammed five dates into one night.
So sexually we're way behind.
Yeah, nice try.
All right, look, I don't wanna pressure you.
It's just that this has been the best date ever, and I don't want it to end.
If you turn me down, I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my short life trying to find another stunning, hilarious, awesome woman who's got a cool British accent in Cleveland.
Come on.
And step and step and pose.
Bored look to the audience.
Jolie the leg.
Elka, you look like you'd rather be anywhere else but here right now.
Great job.
How 'bout me? How was I? In a word, terrible.
You need to work on your bored look.
Ugh, okay, I'll try.
I'll try.
Melanie, honey, not to make you feel any worse, but that gnarly witch mole is getting hairy.
It's not hair.
I tried to scrub it off with steel wool, and a couple fibers got stuck.
Whatever you did, it's creeping me out.
Yeah, that's good, that'.
I'm not sure this is gonna be possible.
It's so tiny! Okay, that's not the best thing to say to a man who just took off his pants.
Maybe if I scootch around this way.
Pretend that's a waterfall.
I'm sorry, somehow I imagined this would be sexier.
There is no reason we can't make this sexy.
Oh, hello, mom.
Oh, God, airplane mirrors.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Are you afraid of flying? Terrified.
I usually take pills before I fly, but that's not conducive to having one's tray table in the full upright position.
Oh! Okay! I don't wanna die! Yes, I see the irony, but I want my full three months.
It's just you and me.
Forget about everything else.
You're incredible.
Okay, now let's do this.
Attention passengers, we're encountering turbulence.
Please return to your seats immediately.
The classy way to do this is for us to leave separately.
I'll go out first, you come out a few minutes later.
No one's the wiser.
And for the couple in the bathroom, you've got quite a walk of shame back to 31 "A" and "B".
Those aren't our seats! I'm sorry, 34 "A" and "B".
You go first.
Oh, this is so exciting.
Look it, models everywhere, and I'm one of them.
But don't tell Victoria how excited I am.
I was up all night practicing dead eyes.
Ow, ow, ow.
What did you put this disgusting thing on with? And is that a grey hair on it? No, it's dental floss.
I tried to floss it off.
I'll try to cover it up.
So you never got to join the mile-high club with George? No.
But we did join the empty Sbarro in the Toledo airport club.
It was fun actually.
But isn't it kind of depressing, you know, hanging out with someone that you know is gonna die soon? I suppose.
But George is so determined to enjoy what little time he has left.
He's an absolute joy to be around.
There is something to be said for dating a man with an expiration date.
He's kind, forthcoming, direct, and up for everything.
But He has an expiration date.
You falling for him? I can't let myself.
Which is not fair to him, but I can't put myself through that kind of heartbreak.
I might have to end things with him before it gets to that point.
Well, that makes what we're about to do seem really trivial.
Okay, people, remember, this is the most important thing we'll ever do in our lives.
Victoria, you're on in ten minutes.
Your other models will meet you at the top of the runway.
Got it.
There are other models? There are? That's what he said.
News to me.
- So you're dying, huh? - That's right.
- Just like the rest of us.
- Exactly.
How's it going so far? - The dying? - Uh-huh.
Pretty good.
I mean, all things considered.
Just trying to soak up as much as I can out of life.
Can I see your bucket list? Sure.
Oh, a hot dog in a hamburger bun.
Oh, that's fantastic.
Promise me you'll do that one.
Now, since I can't put "growing old" on my bucket list, what's the truth about it? Well, you don't pop out of bed as fast.
And you learn not to take anything for granted.
But you've already figured that out.
Does it make you scared? Oh, scared is a waste of time.
The trick is just to laugh as much as you can.
When you laugh, you're really alive.
And you forget about everything else.
Well, you have to wait till something's funny.
That was just weird.
Oh, my God, these shoes are gorgeous.
I'm gonna make millions.
Ah! Ow! Ahh! Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, fine.
Just a little pinch.
I'll be fine.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ow! What is wrong? I'm sorry, Victoria.
These shoes are beautiful.
They're just really unstable.
Well, they're Victoria brand shoes.
Of course they're beautiful and unstable.
Oh, dear God.
There's no support.
What, you can't stand in them either? I'm telling you these shoes are not meant to be walked in by humans.
But we're not humans, we're models! All right, now let me show you how it's done.
You just holy crap! That hurts.
All right, ladies, you're up.
The wheelchair models will meet you at the top of the runway.
Wheelchair models? Why are my models in wheelchairs? Maybe they tried on your shoes.
The event is called "walk and roll.
" It's a benefit for women who can't walk but still want to be fashionable.
What? Why is this the first I'm hearing about this? It's not.
We spoke about it on four different occasions.
Was she nodding and going, "yes, yes, yes"? Yeah.
Yeah, she wasn't listening.
Okay, you know, we really don't have time for all this.
You're on in 30 seconds.
I suggest you get moving.
We can't hobble like this next to women in wheelchairs.
People will think we're making fun of them.
So what are we gonna do? What do you mean, what are we gonna do? Think about something other than the pain.
Melanie, you have a hideous mole on your face.
Joy, your boyfriend's dying.
Okay, let's get out there and sell some shoes.
Ow! This is the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone.
Or is it? Did someone say something about wheelchair models? Oh, no.
You've got that look in your eye.
Victoria, you do know the best thing to do is to admit these shoes are a disaster and just call the whole thing off? Yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Ladies and gentlemen, Cleveland fashion week is pleased to announce Shoes by Victoria Chase.
Tonight I'm proud to present Victoria Chase Shoes.
Victoria Chase Shoes.
The only shoes in the world designed never to be walked in.
Victoria Chase Shoes.
Yes, only I, Victoria Chase, was brave enough to design shoes exclusively for the differently-abled woman.
High fashion heels for a woman on wheels.
Oh, if you want to call me a visionary, that's your business.
My business is being a visionary.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
I just, I can't listen to this any more.
Models don't speak, darling.
Unless they're saying Victoria Chase Shoes.
It's just that we can wear whatever shoes we want.
But now you don't have to.
But that's insane.
We don't need Victoria Chase shoes.
Victoria Chase Shoes.
Oh, you're really good at this.
Yeah, you starting to feel anything? Unfortunately, yes.
George, can we talk? Uh-oh.
Every bad conversation in the world starts with, "can we talk?" I don't know how to put this.
Let me help.
You met this fantastically sexy, handsome, funny, sexy guy, but the dude is about to croak.
And if he was any kind of a gentleman, he would say good-bye now.
I'm sorry.
I'm just scared.
Scared's a waste of time.
I get it.
Good-bye, Joy.
I wish saying, "we'll always have Sbarro" was as romantic as saying, "we'll always have Paris.
" George, wait.
Right here.
What might we cross off that list on our second date? Number five.
I keep telling you, I am not doing number five.
I wouldn't respect you if you did.
How 'bout we just grab a cup of coffee and talk? They say the best coffee is in Brazil.
You up for it? I am.
Bigger bathrooms on Jumbo jets.
Ooh, I like the way you think.
But first, let's check out Mr.
Jeff's fashion show.
What? It's the spring collection.
Who are you? Your new boyfriend.
Get used to it.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased to announce our main event.
The newest collection of tracksuits by Mr.
Where's Elka? I can't believe she's missing this.
I can't believe we're watching this.
Oh! There's Elka.
- I don't believe it.
- I know, leopard lining! The man is a genius.
The vacant gaze is perfect.
Jolie the leg.