Hot In Cleveland s04e04 Episode Script

GILFS

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, there you are, Elka.
I brought the loot.
We've been over this, Mamie Sue.
"Loot" makes it sound like we're pirates.
I'm sorry.
I got the Benjamins.
It's all about the Benjamins.
What are you doing with all that money? What money? Elka, what the hell is going on? Well, if you must know, we've started a business.
It's a dating service for seniors.
Right? Sure.
It's called Cleveland GILFS.
Uh Grandmothers I'd like to friend.
So that's what all the secrecy has been about? That's why you're back in school getting a business degree? Yep, that's why.
That's a good idea.
It is a good idea.
And a great cover for our real business.
And maybe I could use it to meet someone.
And then I could double date with you and Pierre.
Oh, I'd be nervous bringing another guy on a date with Pierre.
You're right, we might end up both going home alone.
Oh, honey, were you up all night? How could I sleep? I'm losing my mind.
Okay, worst-case scenario: Your boss overheard you say you're in love with him.
Now he's on vacation with his girlfriend, laughing about it.
And when Chloe, his ex-wife-- also your boss-- finds out, you'll be humiliated, alone, and fired.
Oh, God, if I wasn't catholic and didn't have two kids and I didn't have a dentist appointment tomorrow that would be so rude to cancel this late, I'd kill myself.
I know, I'll send him a text and tell him it was all a joke.
Oh, I don't know, Melanie.
No, no, no, no.
This is good, this is good.
I'll say it was an elaborate prank.
I punked him.
And send.
That'll fix it.
No, it won't.
Why would I pull such an elaborate prank? And how could I know that he'd overhear me? And why did autocorrect change "punked" to "puked"? And now Alec and his girlfriend Carmen have something else to laugh about in between bouts of lovemaking.
I could just see it now Her on top of him How do you know she's on top? It's early in the day.
She doesn't want to mess up her hair.
Okay, so what should I do? Call Victoria.
She's always good for an asinine scheme.
No, no, I don't want to bug Victoria.
It's her first day of rehearsal.
You're right.
I'm sure she's busy doing something asinine already.
An excellent question, Barbara.
How do I feel being in my first Woody Allen movie, starring opposite Sir Emmet Lawson? How don't I feel? Victoria, are you in there? Oh, uh, yes, Emmet.
Come in.
Terrific job this morning, my love.
Brava! Oh, you really mean it? You are the real deal, kid.
Oh, coming from you, that means so much.
You can't imagine.
I've also got something to tell you.
Oh Excuse me.
Just my Google alert.
Yeah, mine too.
Oh, my God.
TMZ is reporting that we are having an affair.
That's what I came to tell you.
Yes! Oh, oh! Yes! Don't ever stop! Hey, you think 'they're buying it out there? Oh, trust me.
Half the crew is on the phone to TMZ already.
Nothing like a bit of juicy gossip to keep your name in the papers and get your movie trending.
I'm getting a little nauseous.
How much longer do we have to keep doing this? It's only been three minutes.
I have my reputation to think of.
Oh.
You're really good at this whole fake relationship thing.
- Do you do this regularly? - Oh, absolutely.
I once carried on a six-month romance - with Helena Bonham Carter.
- Oh.
Never met her.
- Big finish? - Please.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! And Scene.
Oh, it's just so flattering.
An actor of Emmet's caliber can have his pick of actresses to have a fake romance with.
Are you sure you're really faking it, not faking faking it? Because it seems like you genuinely like him.
No, no, no, no, my fakery is sincere.
Well, at least you know Emmet fake-loves you.
I have no idea how Alec feels about me.
And I can't check my phone because Joy took it.
Friends don't let friends text stupid.
Oh, you texted him? Just a few times.
Eight times! I tried to stop her.
No, you didn't.
All you said was, "Oh, I don't know, Melanie.
" Anyway, he didn't write back, and I couldn't stand it, so then I texted-- "Sorry I texted before.
Shouldn't have bothered you on vacay.
" I was sure he'd acknowledge that.
But he didn't, so "Hi again.
"I know I said I shouldn't have texted before, "but could you just text back 'K' so I know you're safe?" - And? - Nothing.
So to calm down, I had a little wine.
Which brings us to "Hey, numbnuts, what gives?" Excuse me, Joy, Elka and I need help opening a bottle.
May we please borrow your big man hands? Good lord, it's Menopause.
Oh, would you mind looking over this ad I wrote for Cleveland GILFS? Elka doesn't think it's sexy enough.
If this is sexy, I'm Rihanna.
There you go making up words again.
I know, Joy can read it out loud and then we'll decide.
No, not Joy.
British voices are not sexy.
Oh, really? Well, I'll just get my reading glasses and we'll see who's sexy.
If Elka holds the pages far enough away, you won't need glasses.
All right.
God, it's hot in here.
Well, take off your sweater.
And I'll point the fan at you.
Hi there.
Are you looking for some inappropriate fun with some age-appropriate women? Oh, thank God.
- Is that Al-- - Dat, dat, dat! Ah, it's from Chloe.
Oh, she can't reach Alec either.
- She's texted him ten times.
- Ten times? Wow.
Talk about needy.
Oh, and she saw on PerezHilton that Emmet and I are having a steamy, on-set affair.
Oh, and apparently we're think about adopting a baby from Malawi.
We are such givers.
So if you're 5'11" or used to be, enjoy short walks on the beach and back-friendly lovemaking, call Cleveland GILFS.
We put the sex in "Sexagenarian.
" See? Hot.
I was wrong.
I guess there's no fool like an old fool.
Thank you.
So did we get the old fool on tape? Let's take a look.
So if you're 5'11" or used to be Put it on the website.
You realize poor Joy is going to be hit on by every geezer in town.
Win-Win.
How was school? How old do I look? All these old men keep leering and waving at me.
And calling me a "tomato.
" They followed me around the mall like a pack of slow-moving zombies.
Luckily, I was able to climb a few stairs and lose them.
Oh, my God, this is great.
Alec just posted to his Facebook page.
"Sorry I'm not returning messages, but I'm on vacation and I left my phone at home.
" He hasn't seen my texts.
He doesn't think I'm an idiot.
I hate to bring up the obvious, but he will see them when he gets back.
And before you ask, I will not help you break into his apartment so you can delete your messages.
That is a great idea! You know, between this and the stair trick, you're kind of a genius.
Nice try.
But you can't trick Joy Scroggs into doing something stupid with a little flattery.
Joy, what are you doing in this ad for something called "Cleveland GILFS"? Oh, dear God! So if you're 5'11" or used to be, enjoy short walks on the beach and back-friendly lovemaking Elka, Mamie Sue, get out here right now! Well, what do you two have to say for yourselves? I'm so sorry.
We never meant for you to find out.
You don't have to date anyone.
You're just there to get the rubes in the tent.
It's a classic bait and switch.
We were just saying how smart we were to go with you instead of Victoria or Melanie.
- Well, that's nice.
- No, it's not.
Hello, everyone.
Wow! We should have gone with Victoria.
What are you doing all dolled up? I have a date.
My fake lover is taking me to a real dinner.
Emmet Lawson is coming here? Mmhmm.
Victoria, you look glorious! And, Melanie, you're a vision.
- Oh, and this is Joy.
- Hi.
Has anyone ever told you you look like Kate Beckinsale? Yes! Oh, and this is Elka and Mamie Sue.
Enchante.
Oh, say, "By Odin's sword, I will make the earth tremble with my force.
" From a little film called Wars of Asgard.
Yes.
"By Odin's sword, I will make the earth tremble with my force.
" Now say "Love dies" "but its echoes never do.
" From the film A Hymn at Evensong.
A favorite.
Now say, "I don't care who's watching, I want to take you right now.
" What film is that from? I don't recall it.
Just say it.
Okay, I think maybe it's time for us to leave.
Actually, there's something I need to tell you.
Oh Oh, another Google alert.
What have we done now? We've broken up? I'm so sorry, Victoria.
Truly.
But my agent said that you weren't testing very well.
So now I'm having a fake affair with Heidi Klum Whom, I'm told, is very nice.
She is barely in the movie.
Yes, it's a rotten business.
But we still have our real friendship.
Why couldn't I have dumped you? You know that's not the way it is.
I'm a bigger star.
Just go.
Look, that came out wrong.
You're more than fake hurt, aren't you? Get out.
As you wish.
Good night.
Oh, honey, are you okay? No.
You do have real feelings for him, don't you? Of course not.
I wouldn't make the rookie mistake of falling for my co-star, no matter how handsome and charming and right he is for me in hundreds of ways.
I'm just angry because he cares so little for me that he can just switch fake relationships without any regard for my feelings.
If it's any consolation, Heidi Klum's not going to stay with him.
Why do you say that? She was married to Seal.
And how to put this? Once you've had carnal relations with a gentleman of African descent It's quite unusual to go back.
Hurry up before Alec's neighbors see us.
Don't worry, I got this.
Where did you learn to pick a lock? A Lifetime Original movie, Don't Go Breaking Into My Heart.
Oh, Victoria, you got a Google alert.
What's it say? Nothing.
It's about Emmet, isn't it? Just read it.
Okay.
"Emmet Lawson linked with Heidi Klum, tells Victoria chase 'You're out.
'" Oh.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
Yeah, well, he's the one who's gonna be sorry.
Emmet and I are doing our behind-the-scenes interview for the DVD tomorrow, and I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to stay civil.
Spoiler alert, I'm not.
And presto.
I don't understand.
It worked every time on the movie.
Excuse me.
I just got a call that three women were breaking into an apartment.
You look familiar.
You don't.
But you do.
I'm guessing you have a computer.
That's it! You're from clevelandgilfs.
com.
Yes, I'm their Spokesgilf.
Hey, if you help us out, maybe you two can make a love connection.
Melanie! She needs to get in there and leave a note to break up with her boyfriend, and then she'll be free to date you.
Fine! One dinner.
I'll pick you up at 8:00.
P.
M.
? Found it! Found it! Ha! Delete, delete Wow, I am not a good drunk speller.
So long, numbnuts.
Okay, that's done.
So I guess the only logical thing is for us to get out of here.
We can't leave a man's apartment without snooping.
No, it's practically expected.
Almost wrong not to.
- Dibs on the medicine cabinet.
- Oh, right behind you.
Mm.
- Ahh! - Aah! Who the hell are you? Uh Uh You know what? I don't care.
I was gonna dump Alec's stuff at the front door, but it was open, so Wait, Carmen-- and don't bother yourself with how I know your name-- um, aren't you supposed to be in Cozumel with Alec? He called me at the last minute and told me not to come.
He said he needed time to think.
Look at me.
What is there to think about? Oh, my God, you guys, this is great.
Alec left his girlfriend at home, possibly because of me.
This is fantastic news! Even better news in here.
Extra-large condoms.
No, never mind.
Just an extra-large box of condoms.
Victoria, I'll start with you.
How do you feel about working with Emmet Lawson? Hm.
How don't I feel? You know, Emmet has that rare quality in an actor of total and complete selfishness.
The man is a consummate fraud In a good way.
It's been a treat, working with Victoria as well.
Her sensitivity borders on the unhinged Also in a good way.
You know, in acting, you have to be in the moment.
See? That's what the moment called for.
An excellent example of that unhinged quality I mentioned earlier.
In the movie, you play exes who hate each other but fall in love again.
How, as actors, do you make this transition believable? Yes, well, where there's anger, there's also usually passion, and you need to have passion when you're dealing with such an infuriating, albeit beautiful character.
You think that I'm-- I mean, my character is beautiful? Of course.
It almost hurts to look at her.
Well, how can this beautiful character not respond to the dashing man, no matter how badly he treated her? Well, he didn't mean to treat her badly.
In fact, it's the last thing he'd ever want to do to somebody he cares about.
Well, if he cared about her, then why hasn't he told her? Perhaps she didn't indicate that she genuinely cares for him.
Well, maybe I'm-- she's old-fashioned and believes that it's the man's job to initiate the pursuit.
I'm getting a little lost here.
Oh, shut up.
I was devastated last night when you went on your date with Heidi Klum.
Oh, Victoria, I hated dating Heidi Klum.
Heidi Klum and I are no longer an item.
I'm not surprised.
How to put this? Once you go black-- Okay, you know what? It's time for you to go now.
So, here we are.
Yes, here we are.
The prelude to a kiss.
Yes, but-- Ah, the "Yes, but.
" Natural caution from two people who've been here before.
Cards on the table.
I've had numerous failed relationships and been married four times.
I've been married five times, not that it's a competition.
On the one hand, we should proceed with caution.
On the other hand, I sense your other hand proceeding with abandon.
"By Odin's sword, I will make the earth tremble with my force.
" Thank you for your business.
Now, for an extra $50, we can upgrade you to a model with bigger headlights.
Must you? That's okay.
I like 'em scrawny.
Please bring her back in as close to original condition as possible.
Shall we, m'lady? She's going to be a good little earner.
Oh, boy.