Hot In Cleveland s04e03 Episode Script

Method Man

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
I think we just polished off an entire box of wine.
Mm, see that's the dangerous thing about boxed wine.
You can't really tell how much you've dranken.
Drinken.
- Drunken? - Drunk? Little bit.
So Cuyahoga river wine wants us to make boxed wine classy.
You know what we need is some snooty celebrity to endorse it.
Oh, I bet Victoria would do it.
God knows she's never said no to wine.
She'd be good.
Hey, how's her Woody Allen movie going? Oh, great.
Oh, guess who they just cast? Emmet Lawson.
- Seriously? - Yup.
I love that guy! He's, like, my favorite actor! They call him "the actor's actor"! Why am I yelling? Maybe we should call this "the wine's wine.
" Hmm.
Or we could do an L.
A.
trick.
Slap a black label on it, Jack up the price, and create an artificial shortage.
People go crazy for that.
You are so smart.
I'm glad Chloe's out of town.
This is fun doing this with you.
Just the two of us.
Oh, no.
I forgot to call Carmen.
Oh, Carmen.
So you're still dating that model.
Actually, she's a cheerleader for the Cavs.
So she's limber as well.
Let me just tell her I'll be there soon.
Yeah, no.
No problem.
It'll give me a chance to see if I missed any texts from my boyfriend.
Oh! No, five.
I didn't know you were seeing someone.
Oh, yeah, it's new, but it's super serious.
What's his name? Um, it's-- - Uhmit? You mean, Emmet? Like, Emmet Lawson? Exactly like Emmet Lawson.
You're dating Emmet Lawson? Why wouldn't you mention that when we were just talking about him? Because I don't like to kiss and tell.
And we have done a lot of kissin', let me tell ya.
Oh, my God.
Do you think you could ask him to represent the wine? Of course I can ask him.
He's my boyfriend.
I ask him questions all the time.
Wow.
Emmet Lawson.
You're full of surprises.
Yeah.
Sometimes I surprise myself.
You told him what? I was drunk.
And there's something about Alec.
Every time he brings up Carmen, I get all jealous and panicky, and I just want to one-up him.
So do you think you could talk to Emmet? You know, about endorsing the wine? Are you crazy? I haven't even met him yet.
And I'm really, really nervous about it.
He is the actor's actor's actor.
I think you added an actor.
No, no.
He's the most respected actor among actor's actors.
He is that good.
Did you know that before he shot White Fang, he actually lived with a pack of wolves for two months? - Well, that's nuts.
- No, that's method.
There is no way that I'm going to ask an actor of his caliber to sell some cheap boxed wine.
It's not cheap.
It's black label.
Limited edition.
Really? Where can I get some? You can't.
They only made 50 cases.
I have to have it.
I'll pay double.
I'll see what I can do if you talk to Emmet about endorsing the wine.
Why don't you just tell Alec that you asked Emmet and he said no? I mean, boyfriends say "no" all the time.
Mine don't.
You're not doing it right.
What were you thinking? Call me on the disposable.
Hello, I can't talk right now.
Does this have something to do with that money Joy saw? "Allegedly" saw When she was studying.
Morning.
So what do you guys think? I went shopping at Forever 21.
I'm guessing "The Menopause Barn" was closed? I know somehow you're fitting into school even though you haven't changed your look since the invention of the Bedazzler.
But I'm going for something a little more collegiate.
I just want to blend in.
I don't want people to look at me and think, what's she doing here? I'm looking at you and thinking why is she wearing that hideous purse? It's not a purse.
Nobody at school carries purses anymore.
- This is a messenger bag.
- Hmm.
What do you carry in there? My purse.
Victoria Chase.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am-- - Sir Emmet Lawson.
- At your service.
As soon as I saw your name on the call sheet, I rushed over to say hello because I'm a huge fan of your work.
Oh.
I am hugely thrilled that one of the world's most celebrated actors actually watched my little Emmy award-winning performance on Edge of Tomorrow.
Actually, I was referring to your many Lifetime Original movies.
Pageant Mom Murder, The Two Mrs.
Finklesteins, A Kidney For Sister Sarah.
Every one, a precious jewel.
Well, I am just thrilled that we get to play together and with Woody Allen.
But what if it's one of his bad ones? Melinda and Melinda? No, thank you.
No, thank you.
It can't possibly be bad if we're in it.
Excellent point.
You know, I believe you and I are going to become great friends.
Would you wear this? I might tie it around my finger if I needed to remember something.
It's a gift for Carmen.
We're headed to Cozumel for a long weekend.
Really? Well, uh, me and Emmet are going away for the long weekend too.
Only we're not gonna need bathing suits 'cause we're gonna be naked.
So naked.
Why are you telling me this? I really don't know.
Hey, um, listen.
About the other night I know we'd been drinking, and we were having fun-- a lot of fun.
- Mm-hmm.
- But I want to apologize.
I don't think I was being entirely professional.
I mean, we're both in committed relationships.
Right? Right.
Big time.
So we're good? Yeah.
Oh, hey.
What did Emmet say about endorsing the wine? Oh, yeah.
I asked him and he said no.
You know, sometimes boyfriends say "no.
" Hey, what if you brought him by here for lunch? I know I could persuade him.
I mean, not to brag, but people have a hard time saying no to me.
What do you say? Okay.
Okay.
I did it again.
I told Alec that I would bring Emmet by for lunch.
Why on earth would you do that? I don't know, I just like him so much I can't help but lie to him.
- You know how it is.
- Yeah, yeah, I do.
And actually, I might be able to talk to Emmet for you.
It turns out that we have a lot in common.
He's a huge fan of my work.
Why? I mean, great.
Not surprising at all.
So not shocked.
I hate school, and I'm never going back, and you can't make me.
Honey, what happened? No one makes any attempt to talk to me or acknowledge my existence.
They're all so cool with their piercings and tattoos.
Well, at least you got Elka.
She's one of the mean girls.
I saw her with her study group friends, and they totally snubbed me.
Now, Joy, I'm gonna tell you what I used to tell my kids when they had a problem like this.
Talk to your therapist, Mommy's in a movie.
Victoria.
Oh, it's Emmet.
We just got our script, and I asked him to come by to run lines.
- You call for me? - Oh, Sir Emmet Lawson.
Hello.
I would like to introduce you to my friends-- Why would I want to be in the same trailer as you, let alone the same universe? I'm sorry? You're sorry? Typical.
You're always sorry, aren't you? Well, I'm sorry I ever met you.
I don't understand.
No.
You never do.
What was that? I don't know.
You didn't ask him about lunch.
I don't understand what just happened.
This morning he was my biggest fan and now he hates me.
What's odd is he said you "always" do this.
How could you "always" do anything if you've only just met him? I don't know, and I have no idea why he's acting this way.
Acting.
In the script he's my ex-husband, who hates me.
Now, maybe he's doing that whole method acting thing, and he's just treating me like his ex-wife.
- Oh, of course.
- That's it.
Yeah, but what if it's not? What if he just hates me? I can't go through the next three months not knowing.
Well, you're gonna have to unless Woody magically decides to rewrite the movie and turns your characters into a loving couple.
Interesting.
I was saying that as an example of something that's not going to happen.
Yeah, but-- but what if I wrote a scene where our characters get along and I slipped it into Emmet's script and that way I'll find out if he hates me or if he's just being method.
And once I find out, then I just make the improved script go away.
Really? You're seriously considering rewriting Woody Allen? She already referred to it as an "improved" scene.
It's not like it's gonna be in the movie.
Although one never knows.
Do you even know how to write? Well, of course.
You forget I was married to Aaron Sorkin's cousin.
And I wrote my own Wikipedia bio.
And I just put a pencil behind my ear.
Were any of those a "yes?" Oh.
Hi, Joy.
Hi.
Joy Scroggs.
From economics.
Hey, what's up? Just chillaxin'.
Keeping it real.
Gettin' my homework on.
Oh, geez.
So What were you laughing about? Elka says there's some girl who carries a purse inside her messenger bag.
Oh, how sad and random.
It's so hot in here.
Whoo.
What's on your neck? Oh, this? I just got inked.
You got a tattoo? It's oozing pus.
Spider said there might be some weeping.
It's pretty gross.
You have to keep disinfectant on it.
The same thing happened when my mom got her mid-life tattoo.
Did you just turn 50? Now we're gonna see some weeping.
Hey, Melanie.
It's me.
Our experiment didn't work.
I dropped off the fake scene, but I haven't seen Emmet all day.
You should probably just tell Alec that you and Emmet broke up.
Victoria.
I'm so glad you're here.
Really? You are? Oh, did--did you get the new scene? I did which is why I'm quitting the movie.
What? It's hands down the worst thing I've ever read.
Rife with spelling errors, makes no sense at all.
Definitely one of Woody's bad ones.
I thought the scene was quite brilliant.
Bollocks.
It's even worse than that play Aaron Sorkin's cousin wrote.
No.
Woody's obviously lost it.
I suggest you call your agent and get off this movie before you get fired.
Fired? The scene calls for your role to be played by a stunning 30-something.
Obviously, he's going to recast you.
I could pass for 30-something.
Oh, sweet Victoria.
I'm so pleased you haven't lost your sense of humor through all of this.
I bid you adieu.
I'm sure our paths will cross again.
Wait! I wrote that scene.
Come again? Being on this movie is a dream come true for me.
I have such enormous respect for you, and I'm just very insecure about working with an actor of your caliber.
And I-I just needed to know that it wasn't you hating me, it was the method.
You darling little lunatic.
Please tell me you won't quit.
Please tell me you won't write.
Deal.
And I know that you have to go back into character, and I promise that I won't take it personally.
Well, we'll see if I can't adjust my methods so I'm not quite so gruff, hmm? Thank you.
It's just fear, you know.
The whole immersing myself into the character thing.
That way, if the performance fails, it's the character's fault, not my own.
That is so honest.
And deep.
I know.
But because of that, I'm often labeled as difficult.
I understand.
People say that I'm difficult too.
But beyond my hysterical demands for a larger trailer, I'm just a little girl looking for love.
Thank you for sharing that.
You know, I believe you and I are two sides of the same coin.
A very rare and beautiful coin.
Well, I suppose all your friends are out there having a nice laugh about me right now.
Look, you're at an awkward age for college.
That's all.
What about you? They all love you.
Because I'm 90.
I'm a novelty.
I'm also genuinely cool.
And I'm their mum's age.
No one wants their mum hanging out with them, or worse, acting like them.
- You can't take it personally.
- Of course not.
I guess I just have to accept that the social part of college won't be for me.
Well, you're not missing much.
In my day, we knew how to party.
Well, you certainly left a mess at Stonehenge.
This is why I can't be nice to you.
Hey, guys.
Zack texted me.
What did he say? He wants me to come to his dorm room and hang out.
Is this the guy you hooked up with a couple of weeks ago who never called back? Yes.
You know, maybe He's looking for something serious after all.
Oh, dear God.
What? Look, it's none of my business, but that's not someone looking for something serious.
That's a booty call, plain and simple.
Just sayin'.
You don't even know Zack.
How do I look? Doesn't matter how you look.
Zack wants you to come there and take your clothes off.
That's how he wants you to look.
In economics, when something is in demand, what is the quickest way to diminish its value? - Flood the market.
- Exactly.
And if you go over to Zach's dorm based on a let's-hang-out text, what do you think that's gonna do to your value? Make it plummet.
Precisely.
It's a classic example of Keynesian theories of market fungibility.
Hey, I understand economics.
Can I ask you something? What if a guy tells you he can't see you because-- He's lying.
How do you know? Because if a guy really wants to see you, he will find a way to see you.
What if a guy said he wants to take a break for a little while? Oh, cut him loose.
He's already banging your roommate.
Next.
No, no, no, no.
One at a time, one at a time.
Is that all you're taking? Ah, it's a beach vacation.
You don't need much.
Yeah? Well, Emmet and I aren't packing much either 'cause we're going on an all-nude snowboarding-- ugh, never mind.
So is Emmet coming by? Yeah, that's what I came to talk to you about.
See, um, Emmet and I broke up.
Melanie, my love! E-Emmet Lawson.
Oh, my God.
I mean, uh, hello.
My lover.
I mean, I thought I dumped you, buddy.
Melanie, my sweet.
Don't break up with me, please.
Give me another chance to win your heart.
Okay.
I'm so glad you're here, Mr.
Lawson.
Oh, please.
Mr.
Lawson is my father.
I am Sir Emmet.
And you must be Alec, purveyor of fine wine served in cardboard.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I would love for you to try our wine.
Do you have a second? Well, as Peter O'Toole once said to me, "Emmet, never turn down free--" and then he passed out.
But I'm sure he was gonna say "wine.
" Oh, my God.
What are you doing here? Victoria brought me up to speed on the whole story.
Oh, if he brings up nude snowboarding, act like it's a real thing.
I've done it.
Really? - That's acting.
- Oh.
So glad you're here.
I am such a huge fan of your work.
As am I.
Now pull open the valve on that carton and let us drink deeply from Bacchus' treasure.
Now the beauty of Cuyahoga river wine-- Let's let the wine do the talking.
I love it.
I will endorse this wine.
That's fantastic news.
This is my agent.
You are aware of my fees.
I imagine they're high.
I wouldn't be bringing it up if they were low.
Thank you.
I'll call him.
Now I hate to run, but I've got a plane to catch.
And--and listen, I can't you enough for your time.
Anything for my Melanie.
I am a lucky man, aren't I? You most certainly are.
Thank you! And I'm Melanie by the way.
Sir Emmet Lawson at your service.
You really like this guy, huh? Oh, yeah.
And it's really so stupid because he's totally involved with another woman.
And I can't get him out of my head.
And then I come here every day, and he's all I think about.
I know a little of what you speak.
You do? When I spent all those months living with the wolves, there was this one blue-eyed beauty that really caught my eye.
One of the wolves? Of course not.
My costar, Cameron Diaz.
What's wrong with you? Hey.
I saw your boss in the hallway.
He is cute.
Really? In--in the hallway? - When? - Just now outside the door.
Oh, my God.
What if he heard us? Victoria, do that thing where we check if someone can hear.
If she can hear what I'm saying, I am totally screwed.
You are totally screwed.