Hot In Cleveland s05e08 Episode Script

Brokeback Elka

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Excuse me.
Do you know how much longer our order's gonna be? I have a radiation appointment that I can't be late for.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
My sister just went through that.
Look, there are a bunch of orders ahead of yours, but I'll push yours through, and it's on the house.
Wow, thank you.
She'd like a pitcher of beer too.
One glass.
You know, Melanie, if you weren't such a nice person but I am a nice person.
I'm not, tell me.
Well, I'm just saying, Melanie's not capitalizing on all the brain tumor perks out there.
Victoria, that's terrible.
No, no, she's right.
You should see the way my mother milked her breast cancer.
Maybe there's a better way to put that.
Yeah, but if I use my tumor to get stuff, doesn't that make me a bad person? Did you see the smile on that woman's face? You made her day.
You're being a bad person if you're not a bad person.
Yeah, but, you know, I don't even know what I'd use it for.
What about those Chase Jackson tickets you've been going on and on about? But it's sold out.
[Gasps] Hey, do you think if I wrote him about my condition, I could maybe get some tickets? Now you're using your brain tumor.
You know, I wonder if the tumor could be a good thing for all of us, not just Melanie.
Well, it hasn't exactly been a good thing.
No, no, no, my social media consultant says that my tweets are too self-involved.
But what if I asked all my followers to send all their thoughts and prayers to my sick friend Melanie? And then they'd know that I was a caring, sympathetic friend.
Victoria, thank you Not now, Melanie, I'm tweeting.
I wonder if there's something in that tumor swag bag for me.
Ooh, look at that cute young guy.
I'm gonna try something.
Melanie, when I point to you, look sad and pathetic.
But I wasn't doing it yet.
Oh, pardon me.
I'm just a little distracted and out of it.
I'm worried about my friend.
She has a brain tumor.
Wow, I'm sorry.
Is she gonna be okay? We don't know.
If only something or someone could help me forget, even for a moment.
[Gasps] I can't believe it.
My Melanie tweet has been favorited and retweeted.
Oh, everyone's sending out their prayers.
And those prayers are working, because I feel better already.
[Chuckles] Oh, wait, wait.
Ooh, here's a nasty one.
Now who would write something like that? I have a date.
Who knew, "my friend has a brain tumor" was such a killer pickup line? Ahh, it's improved my social media, Joy's got a date.
Oh, it's a shame that we didn't catch this tumor in its earlier stages.
[Phone buzzes] Oh, my God.
It's back.
What's back? The Mcrib.
The Mcrib is back.
What the hell is a Mcrib? It's this sandwich that's only available for a very limited time.
And you never know when it's coming back.
Well, how did you know? I have an app.
Elka, I can't believe that you've been suckered in by this ridiculous marketing ploy.
Who cares if the Mcrib is back? The Mcrib is back? [Excited chatter] Now see what you've done? Everybody knows.
Well, I just don't understand how anybody can get excited about some sauced-up piece of cheap meat.
I can't either.
But Joy got the date.
Melanie, your tumor is a godsend.
Ah, the most wonderful man responded to my sympathy tweet.
Oh, I was up half the night, chatting with him online.
His name is Nick Logan.
He's a poetic cowboy who lives on a ranch in Wyoming, which spoiler alert is in America.
Guess who's going out with Cleveland's number one morning dj.
Oh, the guy you picked up with my brain tumor? Yeah, we had a great time last night.
Turns out, he's the morning drive time guy for WJVB.
Oh, it's so nice to have a guy sneak out of your bedroom at 4:30 because he has an actual job to get to.
Wait, you're talking about Todd the Bod from the Jackass gang? Yeah.
You listen to that? I'm a Jackass junkie.
His show's on right now.
So this girl was hot? Smokin' hot.
Killer English accent.
- And her body - [Boing sound effect] [Laughs] That's me.
I'm causing the boner sound.
But check it, when she went to the bathroom, I snuck a look at her I.
Oh, no.
I thought I was banging a hot milf, instead I was riding Miss Daisy.
Todd the Bod, you are a dead man.
[Deep breath] It's my doctor.
Well, this is the call.
I had my last radiation treatment, and now the test results are in.
I'm scared.
Okay, whatever happens, we're all here for you.
Hello, Dr.
Oh, my God.
Are you sure? What? Tell us.
There's no sign of the tumor.
My cat scan is clear! [All laughing] Thank you, doctor.
Thank you so, so much.
Oh, I can't believe it! No more radiation, no more treatments, no more doctors.
Oh, my God.
[Laughs] - I'll get the champagne.
- I'll get glasses.
Shoot, we're out of champagne.
I'll just shake up a bottle of Chardonnay.
[Phone chimes] Oh, well, this day just keeps getting better.
I got an email from Chase Jackson's assistant.
Not only do I have tickets, but I have backstage passes! [Laughs] All thanks to my brain tumor.
You don't have a brain tumor anymore.
Oh, crap.
What am I gonna do? Well, you can still go.
Just tell him you're cured.
No, I can't tell him that.
Why not? I may have implied that it was incurable, by using the word "incurable.
" Oh, I know I lied, but I really wanted those tickets.
Oh, look.
George Clooney is disgusted with me.
No, no, no, that's not his disgusted face.
That's his "oh, it's okay.
" "You can do whatever you want, you deserve it" face.
He gives it to me all the time.
He gave it to me when I drank all the champagne.
There you are.
I did not give you permission to talk about my personal life on the radio.
- Okay, calm down.
- Calm down? You've got some nerve, mister, telling me to calm down.
Look, if I go on air and say I had a great date, it's not good radio.
But if I make you out to be a crazy psycho bitch but now all of Cleveland thinks I'm a crazy psycho bitch.
First of all, all of Cleveland? I wish.
We get a two-share.
Second, I didn't use your name.
But I know who you're talking about, and so do my friends.
My son and grandson could've heard.
Grandson? Really? Wow.
Okay, look.
Maybe I got carried away.
And I didn't mean to insult you about your age.
I like a woman with tons of experience.
Tons? You make it sound like I've slept with thousands of men.
Look, I get it.
And I'm sorry, Joy.
Okay, then.
It's not like I'm a prude or anything.
And I was pleased to have inspired the boner boing.
- You get that, bro-man? - All of it, bro.
We got some killer sound bytes for our show tomorrow.
I'm a crazy psycho bitch.
I've slept with thousands of men.
That crazy chick is a gold mine.
[Typing] Tell me more about Wyoming.
[Gruff voice] Well, it's true about the big skies.
A man can get lost and found here.
And how about a woman? You'll have to come here and find out.
We'll go for a ride at sunset.
We'll watch as the mountains sip the last drops of light from the sky.
Well, this cowboy's got some work to do.
Talk later, beautiful? [Sighs] I miss you already.
[Exhales] Don't give me that look, George Clooney.
I know what you're thinking.
Oh, you like the idea of me falling in love again, but you're worried that I'm falling too fast and too hard.
Well, can you trust that I know what I'm doing? Oh, thank you.
I'm gonna kill him! We'll talk later.
What's going on? That dj tricked me.
I had it out with him, and he recorded every unflattering thing I said.
Now my voice is all over the radio in horrible little sound bytes.
[Over phone] I'm a crazy psycho bitch! It's also available as a ringtone.
Oh, my God.
I'm the laughing stock of Cleveland.
[Over phone] I've slept with thousands of men.
It was two for a dollar.
What am I gonna do? Why is this happening to me? Well, maybe we need a man's opinion.
I'll go and ask Nick.
He's so wise about so many things.
You're really falling for him, aren't you? Well, I've been so lonely since Emmet, and oh, he makes me happy.
I mean, I know it's new, but I feel like we've known each other for years.
Well, we're happy for you, Victoria.
I don't trust this guy.
A night of meaningful conversation with Victoria? It just doesn't add up.
I'm gonna do some digging and get some intel on him.
Joy is so cynical about men.
Love can be found online.
I agree.
I mean, why can't Nick be Victoria's soul mate? Only one reason I can think of.
Yeah, that's what? I'm Nick Logan.
What? I'm Victoria's lover.
You catfished Victoria? You are the rugged, poetry-loving rancher? [Western accent] Yes, ma'am.
Why would you do that? She called me a sucker for falling for the mcrib hype.
So you seduced her to make her look like a sucker? Yes, at first.
But then? Well, I've been kind of lonely too, and Victoria's really taken with me.
As Nick Logan.
Well, she makes me want to be a better man.
This could not get any weirder.
I think I'm in love with Victoria.
Sure, why not? [Doorbell rings] Just remember, Elka, lies always have a way of coming back and biting you in the ass.
[Gasps] Oh, my God! You're Chase Jackson.
Yes, ma'am.
I'm looking for Melanie moretti.
That's me, I'm Melanie moretti.
You're Melanie? From your email, I was expecting a little girl.
Told you to lay off the emoticons.
Please, come in.
This is my friend Elka.
Nice to meet you, ma'am.
Uh, would you like to sit down? Sure, but you should sit down too.
You're probably weak.
To quote your email, "sick-face emoticon", "hospital-bed emoticon, gravestone emoticon," right? Right, my brain tumor.
What you're going through is very close to my heart, Melanie.
My mom fought the same battle twice.
So I brought these concert tickets in person, hoping I could make whatever time you had left shine a little brighter.
Thank you.
So, Chase, you live on a ranch? I do.
My buddy Nick Logan has a million acres in Wyoming.
A million acres? Uh Is that too much? Thank you so much for bringing these tickets in person.
But, you know, I can't help but think that someone else could use these more than me.
Listen to you, thinking about others when you've got an incurable brain tumor.
Is that a lot? Not if you have a million acres.
Well, I should go.
I've got a sound check.
Look, maybe after my show, we could get together and have a drink or something - oh.
- I'm sorry.
Can you drink? Well, yes.
I am over 21.
No, I meant with the brain tumor.
Oh, yes.
They allow it when it's incurable.
Well, then it's a date.
Pleasure to meet you, ma'am, and you, Melanie.
Hey, you know, I've got a song in my head.
It was gonna be about tequila, but now I'm gonna make it about you.
I've discovered the identity of Victoria's secret lover, and you are not gonna believe who it is.
Both: It's Elka.
How'd you find out? Well, she told me.
Apparently, it started as a joke, but now they have feelings for each other.
[Western accent] I just can't quit her.
Oh, dear God.
Elka, you have got to tell Victoria the truth.
And you can't wait 'cause it's just gonna make it worse.
She's very vulnerable right now.
Well, Nick is going through some stuff too.
It gets lonely on that ranch, just him and Whitman.
Who's Whitman? His trusty bald eagle, who lays a fresh breakfast egg for him every morning.
Yeah, you gotta end this for you too, Elka.
[Playing guitar] And the angels cried Wow.
That is such a beautiful song.
I wrote it for you.
You're so brave and so strong.
Oh, listen.
I am really not that brave.
That's what my mom used to say.
I'm gonna donate the profits from that song to my mom's charity, to help people going through what you're going through.
What do you think? I think that I would hate for anybody to be going through what I'm going through right now.
Victoria, I wanna talk to you about Nick.
Really? Oh, thank you.
You know how it is at the beginning of a romance.
All you wanna do is talk about him.
What I wouldn't give to feel his arms around me right now.
I know.
I'm so glad you understand.
Melanie and Joy think I'm being foolish and that I should just end it, but, oh, I can't.
Oh, he's a hard man to say good-bye to.
You know, I'm thinking of taking him to Paris.
Paris? Oh, I've never been.
I Has he ever been? Or maybe we should meet on his ranch.
Oh, the way he describes the sunsets The mountains sip the light from the sky.
No, no, the last drops of light from the sky.
Yeah, that's it.
"The mountains sip the last drops of light from the sky.
" Wait a minute.
I never showed anyone that.
How could you possibly know, unless you were oh, my God.
Well, this is, you know, really kind of fun, going around, doing these interviews with you.
Well, you inspired the song.
You know, I got another song about a woman who's in prison for shooting her cheating husband.
If I change a few words, that song could be about you too.
[Phone ringing] Oh, shoot, my friend needs me.
She just found out her sexy cowboy boyfriend is a 92-year-old woman.
I'll go take this outside.
Hey, Chase.
Todd Elliot.
Big fan.
Okay, Todd, you're on in three, two Hello, everybody, Todd the bod here with country superstar Chase Jackson.
Ooh, wait.
Sorry, Chase, this crazy British chick I went out with is calling me on my cell phone.
But don't say anything.
I don't want her to know she's on the air.
Hello, sweetheart.
[Over phone] Hello, scumbag.
Remember how you bragged that you had a harley and a pool? Well, now you have a harley in a pool.
Who's the psycho bitch now? Oh, it's still you.
I only dated you because I was testing out my friend's tumor perks.
Well, the joke's on you, because Melanie doesn't really have a tumor.
You don't have a tumor? Well, not in the medical sense.
Melanie, what are you doing there? Joy, shut up.
- You're on the air.
- I'm what? Can't you just go to commercial or something? Are you kidding? Fine.
Okay, my tumor is gone, but I only found out after I sent the email.
Your email said it was incurable.
Maybe your song cured me.
Melanie, darling, just get out of there.
And don't do that little wave thing.
It's not as cute as you think it is.
Hello, Elka.
You're still mad? Well, naturally, I was upset, so I drove around to get over it, and then I saw a sign advertising the mcrib.
Well, I took the sign for a sign, and I did something that I've never done before: Placed an order for food by yelling into a box.
Well, thank you, Victoria.
Well, you know, something good did come out of this.
Now I know that I am truly ready to move on from Emmet.
Although it's gonna be hard to find someone as perfect as Nick.
I'm really gonna miss him.
I'm really gonna miss him too.
I think I liked our emails best in the middle of the night.
You, all warm and sleepy.
You, a little boozy.
[Both chuckle] Now it's getting weird.
Here's to Nick Logan.
A man so perfect, only a woman could've invented him.