Hot In Cleveland s05e09 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, look at our baby.
He's so depressed.
Maybe we should just take him back to the vet.
No, the vet said he was fine, physically.
Well, maybe he's just sad because Joy looks like a bone he can't chew on.
Or maybe because for every one of our years, he ages seven.
That would depress the hell out of me.
Hello, Victoria.
Your dog needs help.
Oh, we were just saying that.
And you are? I'm Sally, your next door neighbor.
I was your nurse when you were in the hospital.
I made you a lasagna when you gave away your kidney.
You gave me a makeover.
Oh, not recently, I hope.
Well, you're making this easier.
Here's a bill.
Your dog got into my house, chewed through the electrical cord on my crockpot, and the Sloppy Joe ended up on the floor.
All right, I literally didn't understand a word you just said.
Is Sloppy Joe your husband? Yes, Victoria, Sloppy Joe is my husband.
And my kids are pork and beans.
Yes, I've seen them.
Sally, we are so sorry.
We will take care of it.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
George, you can't chew through cords.
You could kill yourself.
Oh, my God, what if he was trying to kill himself? Is he that depressed? What are we gonna do? Maybe we should call that lady that talks to animals on the radio.
Yeah, she comes to your home, interviews the family, and then tells you how to fix the problem.
Then a week later, you go on her show and you tell her what happened.
In the meantime, maybe there's something we can do to cheer him up.
What do I do when I need cheering up? He can't do that, Joy.
He's been fixed.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Yeah, and how does that make you feel though? What's he saying? - Do you do that often? - What? Interrupt him.
Milo, would you please take George in the kitchen while I have a word with his people? Yeah.
All right.
Let's go, boy.
Your dog is extremely traumatized.
You see, animals soak up emotions, both good and bad.
So, I believe that he is just reacting to the anxiety and depression that already exists in the home.
What are you saying? So we're the problem? Well, this is a very unusual family arrangement you have here.
I mean, three grown sisters living with their mother? Oh, she's not our mother.
You know what? Let's try a quick assessment here.
Melanie, I want you to pet me like you pet George.
Okay.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you, 'cause that's just sad.
You're going through something, aren't you? Oh, my God, maybe it's me who's depressing George.
You see, I just I just got over a pretty serious illness.
Yes, he mentioned that.
Oh.
Mm.
Well, I-I feel, I don't know, like I was spared for a reason.
But I don't know what that reason is.
And I-I guess I'm feeling a little lost.
Maybe George is picking up on that.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, don't be, Melanie.
It's not you, it's me.
And I'm not just saying that because it's the dramatic thing to do.
I'm a recent window, and I am still depressed about that.
I mean, I'd like to start dating again, but it's so hard to find a nice, normal guy.
Oh, come on.
Cleveland's filled with nice, normal guys who'd love to go out with you.
You ever date guys who aren't movie stars? You mean like agents or directors? Not if I can avoid it.
Are you sure it's not Joy? She depresses me.
Me? If anyone, it's you.
When you spoke to George, did he use the words, "crone," "hag," "fossil"? No, but this unattractive sniping is a perfect example of the tension that dogs are sensitive to.
Oh, we're not sniping.
- No, that's how we talk.
- Yeah.
We keep things loose and easy.
Which was Joy's nickname in high school.
Said the woman who was cave-schooled.
Oh, my God, we do do it.
Listen.
This isn't anyone's fault, okay? You're all to blame.
Joy, Elka, you need to be more polite to one another, even when the dog isn't around.
Victoria, you need to find yourself a nice, normal guy, okay? And Melanie sweet, innocent, naive, dumb-as-a-duck Melanie.
Melanie, you need to find a purpose to your life.
Better get going, Dr.
Deb.
We have an appointment with a private client.
Yes, yes.
If you ladies will excuse me, I need to see a horse about a man.
Uh, here's my number.
So if you have any questions about anything, just feel free to call.
Is Dr.
Deb always so strange? Um, actually, in the world where people talk to animals, she's pretty normal.
Milo, come here, boy! She has her quirks.
Hey, did you have fun at the park? Did you meet any nice, average guys? I met an undercover policeman.
Sounds promising.
Wait, how did you know he was undercover? Well, I needed to find out if he was ordinary and not rich, so I asked him how much money he had and if he was looking for a date, and he arrested me for suspected prostitution.
I need a drink.
- Funny you should say that.
- Why? I say that five times a day.
Funny, because I just got a job today as a bartender at Stormi's.
- Bartender? - Stay with me.
I was thinking, when in my life did I feel the most fulfilled? And it was when my kids were young and I was giving them advice.
I like giving advice.
So then I realized, maybe that's my purpose.
Well, bartenders do give advice.
And here's my first bit of advice: Come with me to the bar tonight.
There's a ton of average guys there.
Fives as far as the eye can see.
Oh, and I'll card you out loud.
I'm in.
Oh.
I didn't know you'd be here.
I didn't know you'd be here.
Hey, I thought you guys were supposed to be getting along.
We tried all morning not to snipe at each other, and knowing we can't snipe at each other only made us snipe at each other more.
Well, you can't run away from the problem.
The problem is 92 years old.
I think I can.
We are doing this for George.
Now come on.
Come join us at the bar, and you guys can have dinner together just the two of you.
It's easy to get along with people you dislike.
Just say the opposite of what you're thinking.
Well, I can do that.
Me too.
You know, Elka, I can stand you.
And your outfit is so appropriate for your age.
That's funny.
Let's go, young lady.
I'm driving.
Oh, good.
You're an excellent driver.
And your reading every billboard out loud makes me want to keep myself alive.
Does this taste a little sweet to you? - No, it's good.
- Oh, great.
Here's your Manhattan.
Give me a shot of anything.
Oh, things aren't going well with Elka? No, the opposite thing is too easy to translate.
She just called me a choosy virgin.
I told her I'd like to unchoke the life into her.
Keep 'em coming.
Ooh, are you sure about that? That's your fourth one.
Hey, I need a few drinks so I can go home and be nice to the old lady.
Tell me about it.
You know, it sounds like you could use a little advice.
Oh, I'm glad you're back.
I missed you.
And I you.
By the way, not that this is a contest, but I will win.
You will insult me before I insult you.
I don't think so, Joy.
Oh, dear.
My soda's gone flat.
Nice try.
You must think I was born Yesterday.
I'm sorry, Elka.
But I'm not gonna be that easy.
I see.
Would you be a dear and hand me that leathery, old bag? Oh, why is this so hard? But since we can't insult each other, how about we scratch each other's itch and insult ourselves? How would that work? Well, uh, I could say I use my giant man hands to hold my skanky one-night stands against my pathetic boy boobs.
That sort of thing.
Okay, your turn.
All right.
I got nothing.
Nothing? There's thousands of things wrong with you.
Insult yourself, you crotchety piece of bat jerky.
I win.
It's just that my wife finds fault in everything that I do.
You know, let me ask you something.
When was the last time you gave your wife flowers for no reason? I don't think I've ever done that.
Exactly.
Now there's a flower shop around the corner.
Go there, spend too much, go home, and then tell your wife three nice things you know will melt her heart.
And you know what? Take this.
I'll give it a try.
Thanks.
I've been helping people like that all night.
Really? The bar's pretty empty.
Oh, well, there were more people here earlier.
But I told one guy to go home and spend more time with his son.
And I told a group of college kids that sitting around and drinking all night would ruin their lives.
And they listened to you? Well, they left.
Melanie, your trial period is over.
Oh, and I'm hired? Oh, it rhymes with hired.
Look, the point of bartending is to encourage more drinking, not telling people they've had too much or they should be home with their families.
Wait a minute.
Where's that bottle of Chateau Margaux I put aside? Oh, well, I gave it away.
But it was to save a man's marriage.
I wish I could fire you again.
I'm sorry, honey.
How about we all head home and call it a night? No, I-I'm gonna stay, you know, for George's sake.
I think I should take another stab at finding a regular guy.
- Oh, good luck with that.
- Have fun.
Beer, please.
Hello, I'm also drinking beer.
Wow, I didn't expect to run into Victoria chase here.
Oh, don't think of me as a famous, glamorous actress.
No, I'm just a nice, average girl having a beer with a nice, average guy.
I've often been described as average.
So, what do you do for fun? Oh, you know, the four "b"s beer, barbecue, bowling, batting cages.
You're perfect.
Never heard that before.
Well, I never thought I'd say these words: I went bowling and I think it's something I could be good at.
You realize you didn't knock over a single pin? Well, that's not really the point of bowling, is it? - It kind of is.
- Oh.
- You're cute.
- Oh, and you are fun.
Ah.
Oh, it's just my annoying neighbor, Julie or Susan or I don't know, something like that.
- Sally? - Yeah, that's it.
How did you know? - Because that's my wife.
- What? You're Sloppy Joe? Open up, Victoria.
I know you're in there! Uh, just a minute.
I'm loading the dishwasher.
- That's a thing, right? - Yeah.
Why didn't you tell me you were married? I didn't think I had to.
I'm your next door neighbor.
I've never done anything like this before.
Why did you come on to me so strong? But I didn't come on to you.
You said, "hello," and you asked me a question.
Last time a woman did that, I married her.
Hi.
Here's another thing your dog ruined, my favorite crocs.
Well, when you wear shoes that look like chew toys, what do you expect? Look, I'll write you a check for $6.
Sally, honey, there you are.
What do you want? I saw you talking to Victoria, and I thought, "hey, there's only one woman" "I'm attracted to over there, and I need to have her now.
" Okay, fine.
But the kids are halfway through Spongebob, so we only have time for bottoms off.
Ah, damn, you're sexy.
So we all failed and George is worse.
Well, it's hard to find a purpose.
I read somewhere that on people's deathbeds, their biggest regret is never having found their purpose in the world.
Thanks, Melanie.
Now I'm picturing my deathbed.
And I'm lying there all alone because I never found love again after Emmet.
Sure, the press is there, but that's cold comfort.
And now, with the years flying by so fast, death is right around the corner.
And sure we can fake it with Botox, but our insides know.
I know my liver does.
I'm probably aging faster than any of you.
What if I end up in a home with Elka, and we spend our final days blinking angrily at each other? Don't worry.
I already have "DNRJ.
" What's a "DNRJ"? "Do not room with Joy.
" Or maybe it's, "do not resuscitate Joy.
" Oh, now listen to us.
No wonder George is depressed.
What are we gonna say on the radio tomorrow? Well, I've recently learned a little something about saying the opposite of what you're feeling.
- You're an idiot.
- Hey! I'm doing the opposite thing.
Ladies, your dog George clooney has been suffering from depression.
One week later, ladies, how's it going? Fantastic.
I found a regular guy who introduced me to the bowling cages.
And Elka and I are so close.
We're finishing each other's meals.
Yes, meals.
You've never played match game, have you? And I found my purpose, I really did.
I know.
George told me that he's never been happier.
His words, not mine.
Oh, George told you all that, did he? He certainly did, bark for bark.
No, he couldn't have said that.
Why not? Because everything we said was a lie.
He's miserable.
We're miserable.
You're a fraud.
You can't talk to animals.
Of course I can.
Oh, yeah, I see what happened.
See, sometimes animals, in an attempt to protect their owners, will often spin the truth in a positive direction.
Yeah.
Also, the words for depressed and happy are very similar in dog.
Oh, God, what the hell am I doing? - I am so tired of this.
- A-ha! So you can't talk to animals.
Nobody can talk to animals.
This is so not what I wanted my life to be.
Well, what did you wanna be? I wanted to be a veterinarian.
But that school takes five years.
And by the time I graduate, I would be 45.
Oh, poor baby.
Well, in five years, you're gonna be 45 no matter what you do.
So wouldn't you rather be 45 and a vet? I never thought of it like that.
That's really good advice.
I'm gonna do it.
Uh, we have a call.
No, I am out of here, milo.
Actually, it's for Melanie.
For me? Oh, okay.
Hi, this is Melanie.
First of all, Melanie, I thought the advice you gave Dr.
Deb was really good.
Oh, thank you.
How can I help you? My husband Derrick came home last night with flowers and a bottle of wine for no reason.
I guess that means he's having an affair, right? Or maybe he's just trying to tell you he appreciates you with that Chateau Margaux.
I'm guessing.
You know what? Why don't you just cut the guy some slack? And if you have to criticize him, do it after sex.
That way, he associates criticism with pleasure.
Thank you, Melanie.
I'll try that.
Okay, you've got three more callers.
But we gotta go to a commercial break.
There's copy there, right on the desk.
- What? - Right on the desk, - right there.
- Oh, okay, okay.
This portion of Well, whatever is going on here is sponsored by Olay Regenerist micro-sculpting cream.
Ooh, "visible wrinkle results start day one.
" Hey, this stuff sounds really good.
That's my last freebie.
Oh, my God, you guys.
I was just talking to the G.
M.
, which means general manager, and he's gonna give me my own slot, which means my own show.
So all I need now is a board op, which yeah, I don't know what that means.
- Uh, that means me.
- Oh! So I have one.
Now it's only on a trial basis, but I am officially in the radio business.
Oh, Melanie, that is fabulous.
Whoa.
Hey, buddy.
Oh, come on.
You were supposed to stay in the booth.
Yes, you were.
Oh, look at George Clooney.
Okay.
Oh, he's so happy.
Maybe he wasn't depressed.
Maybe he just needed a friend.
Wow, they sure seem to like each other.
Yeah.
You know, I'd be happy to bring him over for a play date sometime.
Wow, what a nice guy.
Yeah.
Nice, regular guy? Kinda like I tried to tell you last week, when I said maybe you should date nice, regular guys.
Oh, I missed that.
But yes, I would love to go out with you uh, I wanna say, Frodo? - Milo.
- Milo.
Hey, if we didn't depress George, we didn't do anything wrong.
We can go back to the way things were.
Come on, I'll buy you a cup of coffee, you old biddy.
Coffee with a tart.
Sounds good to me.