Hot In Cleveland s06e04 Episode Script

Naked and Afraid

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! What? What happened? I think our cute new neighbor, Jack, just saw me naked.
Oh, no.
How? Well, I had just gotten out of the shower and I was air drying, and what comes on the radio? Dancing Queen.
You know I can't resist dancing to Dancing Queen, no one can! Well, are you sure he saw you? Oh, I don't know.
I'm not quite sure he can actually see into our house.
Well, I know I can see into his.
Hey, wait, what are you looking at Jack for? No, no, no, I called dibs.
I've been praying for a cute guy to move in across the street, and a cute guy did move in across the street, so God gave him to me.
Oh, don't worry, I'm not poaching.
I just noticed his hot, shirtless contractor.
Oh! So you're looking at men again.
This is a good sign.
Well, I'm not ready to get back to anything serious, but maybe a little fling to get me started.
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Like the first waffle.
- Waffle? - Yeah, when you make waffles, the first one's never a keeper so you throw it out, and every one after that just seems better.
Oh.
I think I might have been that waffle to a few men.
Oh, hey, Victoria, how'd the first day on your new show go? It was terrifying.
I still don't know what this show is about or how to play my character.
I mean, yeah, it's a Zed Simms script so, of course, it must be brilliant.
I mean, you guys read it.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's genius.
So cerebral.
- Mmm, complex.
- So many layers.
Oh, my God, you don't understand it either.
And tomorrow is my big scene, you know, the one where I talk to the ghost.
- I thought you were the ghost.
- Wait, there's a ghost? Oh, you see! I just won an Oscar! But if I am not good at this, then everyone will say that it was a fluke.
God, it was so much easier doing lifetime original movies.
Everything I needed to know about my character was in the title.
Soccer Mom Prostitute.
Forty and Flirty.
Tammy Lee Boudreau: The PMS Strangler.
"It's that time of the month To die!" What has six legs, four breasts, and is hosting a cocktail party tonight? Oh, oh, wait, wait, let me do this, I love riddles.
She's talking about us.
And why are we throwing you a party? Because I want to be president of city council.
I need to get my agenda through.
What is your agenda? Zoo funding and road repair.
Doesn't the president also get to ride with LeBron in the Christmas parade? Does she? Elka just needs to sway councilman Stoke's vote.
He's undecided, so I'm guessing he's the reason we're having a party tonight? We're doing it the old-fashioned way strong liquor and loose women.
You're not the strong liquor.
Actually, a party is not a bad idea.
I can invite Zed, and in a casual, alcohol-fueled environment, find out what the hell the show is about.
And we can invite Jack, and in a casual, alcohol-fueled environment, you can find out if he saw me naked.
I'll go and invite him now.
While I'm there I might run into the cute contractor.
Hey, can you see through my blouse? Mm, nope.
Oh, shoot, I'll just have to make it work.
ba-ba, ba-ba hey! Wow, that was hot.
So, my band's playing tonight.
I play tenor and alto sax.
I like to say I'm bi-saxual.
I get it.
So are you gonna come? Dylan, what we had was fun, but while we were talking I realized it was only supposed to last right up until now.
So this was just sex? Exactly.
But what about the skylight you wanted me to put in? Oh, Dylan, sweet Dylan.
There was never actually going to be a skylight.
Don't you just love that feeling right before a party where anything is possible? Soon Jack will be here and Joy will find out if he's seen me naked.
And he might reply, "why, yes, and she's beautiful.
And I will not rest until I make her mine.
" Have you started drinking already? Just a little bit.
But you know I get nervous before a party, because anything's possible! Can we concentrate on what's important? Like you in a parade with LeBron? I don't want to be stuck on some nerd float called "Salute to Reading.
" Wow, another one.
Why are you getting so many texts? I joined Sinder, the hookup app.
Why are you on Sinder? Because I realized I like throwing out waffles.
I am done holding out for romance and happily ever after.
That just leads to heartbreak.
On Sinder, I can order my men the way I order my shoes.
Six at a time? Hey, Jack, hold up! Oh, hello, Dylan.
Is it too bold to bring Zinfandel to a party? Just to say, "friendly new neighbor.
" Or "unchained party animal.
" Dude, you should've just brought a bottle of wine.
Hey, would you give this to Joy for me? It's the address of the club I'm playing tonight.
I'd give it to her myself but things are a little awkward between us.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, we had a good thing going there for a while, if you know what I mean.
I know exactly what you mean.
I actually saw the two of you through Joy's window.
Really? Sorry to say, yes.
First time I've seen naked women copulating through a window.
And I have to say, I was not a fan.
Guess you had to be there.
Wow, Victoria Chase! I've never met a celebrity before.
Feels good! How does it feel to meet me? And you are? Oh, sorry, I'm Jack.
New neighbor.
Oh, by the way, congratulations on the new HBO show.
Oh, thank you.
What's it about? I I can't say.
I honestly can't say.
Oh, look how cute he is.
"She searched the world for romance, only to find he was right across the street.
" Would you stop narrating your life like you're in a rom-com? "And with the help of her quirky, British roommate," Melanie.
Kate Beckinsale.
Gogon.
"She found the information she needed to put love on its true course.
" Now, we are destined for each other so go find out if he saw me naked.
Hey, Elka, has councilman Stokes come by yet? I guess he's running late.
So what does he look like? Bland, beige Kind of blends in with the furniture.
Hello, Elka.
Councilman Stokes.
My God, you light up a room.
Oh, Zed, I'm glad you could make it.
Wow.
A Cleveland party.
Take it in, Zed.
Take it in.
So, Victoria, you mentioned that you wanted to talk to me about something.
Oh, well first of all I just want to say how much I love your show and my character.
Good.
I'm excited to see what you're going to do with her tomorrow.
Such an important scene.
Yeah, uh, about that One second.
Hello? Yes, yes, I'm sure.
Ok.
Goodbye.
I just fired Ben Kingsley.
What? But why? He was my love interest.
Right? We'll get another one.
He asks too many questions.
There's nothing more tiresome than explaining plot and character to a brainless actor.
So what were you saying? Nothing.
Uh, it's just my friend, Melanie.
You know, I've been explaining the show to her repeatedly and knowledgably, but she just doesn't get it.
So you invited me to this party to explain my show to your dumb friend? What if I told you that she thinks you're really hot? I'm listening.
I do love our street.
But I have noticed, from some rooms, we have an unobstructed view into your house.
I suppose it follows that you also I think I know where you're going with this.
Yes, I saw through the window.
I didn't mean to, but I did.
Oh, ok.
Not a problem.
Can I ask exactly how much you saw? Everything.
I see.
Well, it's no big deal, it's just flesh.
Is there any chance you liked what you saw? What? No, I didn't like it.
It was weird.
Weird? Well, what does that mean? Do you have anything unusual going on under your clothes? No.
I look good under my clothes.
Maybe he saw your mole mass.
It's not a mole mass! It's three moles.
My mom said they were angel kisses.
Those angels had some big ass lips.
Melanie.
I need you to talk to Zed about the show.
Now, I can't do it, he'll fire me.
He just fired Ben Kingsley for asking too many questions.
I can't talk to Zed until I find out what Jack meant by "weird.
" Look, I got another Sinder match.
Of all the guys with face tattoos, he seems the nicest.
- Jack? - Hey.
So, um, Joy tells me that you may have seen something weird through our window this morning.
Yes, unfortunately I did.
Was it really that bad? Truly unsettling.
No good place to look, you know? No good place? In a word, "ugh!" - "Ick?" - Mm.
Have you seen Councilman Stokes? Hello, Elka.
Oh, councilman Stokes.
Life of the party.
Hello, I'm Victoria Chase.
I know I saw you in Cleveland Rhapsody.
It was the night my fiancee and I broke up.
I'm sorry but seeing you is bringing back very bad memories.
Try seeing her every day.
Get lost, Victoria.
Maybe I should go too.
With all the single women at this party? Here comes one now.
Can you believe he saw my naked body and all he could say was "ick?" It must have been my mole mass.
Who else you got? So, Zed, I like your top.
Um, tunic.
Man-shirt.
I like your man-shirt.
So, I understand you have some questions about my show.
Yes.
I do.
But, before we get to that, um, if you were directing a scene where a man sees a naked woman through a window, and that woman just happened to look like me, would that man's reaction ever be "ick?" No way.
That wouldn't happen.
You're too beautiful.
Oh, Zed, thank you.
But, if it did happen.
Well, then the lighting was wrong.
Improper lighting can absolutely demolish beauty.
Really? Well, can you come into my bedroom and look at me at every angle? We can test out different positions.
I might even dance a little.
Yeah, yeah, okay, I'm game.
I'll go get us some drinks.
I guess what I'm looking for is a girl who's smart, and sweet, maybe a little shy.
I see where you're going but I don't date coworkers.
What I'm looking for doesn't exist anymore.
And old fashioned girl with old fashioned values.
I know just the girl.
You said I was a demure English rose? And virgin.
Now go sell it.
I am tired of you pimping me out.
It's not pimping.
I'm asking you not to sleep with him.
For Cleveland.
Well, I guess you did save the dog parks and bring a lot of jobs to the city.
And you've done a lot for the zoo.
I named that old baboon after you.
You said it was a baby Snow leopard.
Oh, that's right.
And when I saw 40 Year Old Virgin I thought, "finally, someone's telling my story.
" Elka was right, you really are a demure English rose.
Oh, Councilman.
You make me blush.
Maybe it makes me old fashioned but I guess I'm just a girl looking for love.
Someone to live happily ever after with.
White picket fence.
Kids and dogs playing in the yard.
That sounds really nice.
It does, doesn't it? The problem in the real world is people just want to hookup on Tinder.
Or worse, Sinder.
Thank God you're nothing like that.
Sex without love, ha, it's just sad! Oh, dear God.
Why is there a man in your driveway playing saxophone? Let's go inside.
Who was that? I have no idea.
Let me show you the back garden.
Joy! I know this morning you said you were just using me for sex but I have feelings.
I'm not a piece of meat.
I thought he was a waffle.
You slept with this man this morning? I'll say.
With the curtains wide open.
What? Like I was telling you, I saw Joy and my contractor through the window.
Ick! Oh, so she's the ick? Not me? Oh, Joy, did you hear that? I'm not the ick, you are! Yes, I heard.
I'm awash in wonderful news here.
Melanie, you could never be the ick.
You're beautiful.
In fact, I was working up the courage to ask you out for a coffee.
Oh, I'd love that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, uh What's going on? You just invited me up to your bedroom.
Well, yes, but just so you could light me.
But you talked about how you looked naked! And that you wanted to test out different positions! Those things mean something to a man! I guess you are as dumb as Victoria said.
Hey, hold on, Zed.
Now I can call Melanie dumb, but you can't.
Yeah, I'd rather nobody called me dumb.
Melanie's not dumb, she's wonderful.
You know what's dumb? You and your shows.
They win awards but they don't make a lick of sense.
That's him talking, not me.
But go on.
What are you talking about? My shows make perfect sense.
Tell them, Victoria.
Uh, there are big scenes, and little ones oh, screw it! I have no idea what your script is about or how the hell I'm supposed to be playing it.
But, you said you loved it.
Because I didn't want to seem stupid.
But I am stupid, and your script made me that way.
Now, just tell me yes or no, am I a ghost detective trying to go back in time to solve my own murder? Not even close.
- Too bad, I'd watch that.
- Yeah, me too.
Ultimately, this is a story in which the action tries to find meaning in inaction! Wait, earlier you mentioned that you're a ghost trying to solve your own murder? I like that, why don't we just do that? Okay.
Oh, I am so relieved.
I thought you were going to fire me for asking questions the way you did with Ben Kingsley.
No, that was just the tipping point.
The real issue was that every morning on set, he would take the last everything bagel.
Well, I don't eat bagels.
And I certainly don't eat anything that has the word "everything" in it.
Excellent.
And Victoria? Don't ever feel stupid again.
What you should be is outwardly vain, but inwardly warm.
Fearful but wise.
Driven but generous.
Who could be all those things? She sounds like a complete mess.
I was describing you.
I meant you should just be yourself.
This character is you.
Oh, my God, I am so complex I I barely understand myself.
Yeah, just be like that.
Look, I know Elka invited me here to get my vote and asked you to pretend to be someone you're obviously not.
You're right, but, the truth is when I was saying I believed in happily ever after I realized, I meant it.
I mean, deep down, that's who I am.
I've been doing this stupid stuff because I recently had my heart broken and I'm scared of it happening again.
I understand.
You get to an age where you just sort of give up and say "what's the point?" Well, you could be like Elka.
She's 92 and never uses her age as an excuse not to do something.
Run for office, look for love, manipulate her friends.
She knows how to work it.
And you do need that in order to get things done for a city.
So, does she get your vote? I guess she does.
Finally.
I mean, is there anything we should be celebrating? - Wow, what a mix-up.
- Yeah.
This would be a story we're telling the kids.
Kids? Not ours.
Just young people who like charming stories about couples meeting.
Well I should get going.
You know, in New Zealand we have a tradition.
When you say goodnight to someone and you liked that person, - you give them a kiss.
- We have a similar tradition in America.
Oh you do? Good.
Well prepare yourself for a respectful yet **** kiss on the cheek.
Okay, go for it.
- See you tomorrow.
- Okay.
- Goodnight Melanie.
- Goodnight Jack.
It's a bit weird.