Hot In Cleveland s06e05 Episode Script

Tazed and Confused

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
So congratulations.
I hear you and Mamie Sue made the secret word finals.
I'm gonna have to forfeit.
- Mamie Sue dropped out.
- Why? Her daughter's having a baby, and she wants to "be there.
" What's she gonna do, catch it? So does that mean that Agnes Bratford automatically wins? That'd be, like, five years in a row.
I can't stand what a smug loudmouth she is.
That's my thing.
Well, since you have to forfeit, maybe she'll be more gracious this year.
Hello, loser.
Hello, Agnes.
it's not the same without you in competition this year.
Oh, wait, it is the same.
I win again.
You know, Mona, my secret word partner and daughter.
Peaked in college.
There were things after.
There was a man once.
We almost had a life together.
Nobody's interested, Mona.
Well, Elka, I will miss beating you this year.
Oh, don't be so sure.
I have a new partner.
Oh, who is it? Never you mind.
He or she will be there.
He or she? That can only mean Joy.
I'm just sitting here.
Come on, Mona.
At the risk of sounding like Joy, I need a partner, fast.
Seriously, I'm just sitting here.
Elka, I'll be your partner.
Oh, I don't know.
You and games? Okay, I know you're skeptical.
But, also at the risk of sounding like Joy, I'm a warm body and I'm yours for the taking.
Also at the risk of sounding like Joy, bugger the [bleep] off.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to talk to Bob.
Thanks for meeting me.
Well, Joy, meeting after hours can only mean one of two things.
Either you want more than a working relationship, or you want to be lovers.
That's the same thing.
I don't think so.
Bob, this has been one of the best jobs I've ever had, but I don't think I can stay at the detective agency.
it's a little awkward working for a man whose marriage proposal I just turned down.
Oh, that? I barely even remember proposing to you, unless the answer's changed.
in which case, you've made me the happiest man alive.
Look, I'll stay with you until we finish this case, but then I'm gonna find a new job.
I understand.
You're a great detective, Joy.
it's been a privilege working with you.
Hi, Bob.
Eh, eh.
Are you choking? Because I can't save you, even though I played Jessica Heimlich in the Lifetime Original movie, The Heimlich Maneuvers.
No, I'm not choking.
- My heart is breaking.
- Oh, okay.
So, you've heard about my new HBO detective show, right? Well, I was wondering if I could go on a ride along with you? You know, and just get a taste of what real detective work is like.
Sure, I don't care.
Life is meaningless.
Joy is leaving me.
I had the perfect five to ten year plan to win her over.
What do I do now, Victoria? What do I do now? Pull yourself together, Bob.
Now, you'd never see Simon or Mitch whining in public.
Try being a little more manly.
Seriously? More manly? Okay, the rules are the same as the TV show.
Melanie, here's the secret word.
You give her a one word clue.
All right, this is easy.
- Ketchup.
- Mustard.
No, no, no.
- Hamburger.
- No.
Melanie, the word is salt.
Salt? What the hell's the matter with you? That's a great clue.
Ketchup is loaded with salt.
You cannot eat ketchup during bathing suit season.
You are just asking for bloat.
I am doomed.
- Elka, here's yours.
- Oh.
- Wedding.
- Spanx.
- Why? - Because, you have to wear spanx to a wedding.
There's gonna be pictures.
- Vodka.
- Tonic.
No, I need vodka.
I'm ready for my first stakeout.
Victoria, aren't you a little over dressed for a simple stakeout? I'm a TV detective in a very high profile HBO drama, Joy.
I need to "pop.
" Which is why I'm trying to choose the perfect affectation for my character.
Affectation? Yeah, you know, a tick that the audience will remember and associate with me.
I was thinking of doing a wink at the end of every line of dialogue.
"This is the most gruesome murder I've ever seen.
" I don't know, Victoria, 'cause when you wink after every sentence, it seems like you don't really mean what you're saying.
I think it's a brilliant idea.
Sorry I'm late, Joy.
I was busy with man business.
Victoria, as a detective, I couldn't help but notice that our jackets are similar.
They're identical, Bob.
You're wearing a woman's jacket.
I don't think so.
No, I purchased this at a very exclusive store in Beachwood place.
Where the men's department is right next to the women's? Perhaps.
Let's get to that stakeout, shall we? On the way, I need to return a pair of leather pants.
So, what are we staking out? We're looking for a man who's cheating on his wife.
This is the mistress' apartment building.
We need a picture of him sneaking out the back stairway.
I'm sick of these adulterous punks.
Damn it! What's going on with you? it's just how a man acts, Joy, especially when he's packing heat.
Oh, my God.
is that a taser? Give me that.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
I'm afraid you'll have to pry this from my cold, dead Fine, but it's still mine.
All right, that's it.
You've been acting like this all day.
This is our last case together, and you're making it weird.
You're right.
I'm sorry, Joy.
I was just trying to act tough to be more like Simon and Mitch in the hopes that you'd change your mind about leaving.
The last act of a desperate man.
Hey, that guy over there by the dumpster, is that your cheater? That's not him, but check out the way he's holding that cigarette.
What do you think? Russian? - Ukrainian? - Chechen.
Look at his shoes.
Chechen's always have impeccably shined shoes.
Nice read, and those tattoos suggest time in a Russian prison.
And that haircut says that he was recently in Australia.
How did you get that? Oh, I don't know.
I thought we were just making stuff up.
Hey, look, he just tossed the bag in the dumpster.
And now he's taking off.
Should we go check it out? Good idea, detective.
At that dumpster, check out time is now.
You're right, the wink is terrible.
Oh, my God.
What? Who throws out an unopened bag of cool ranch doritos? Be serious.
Did you find the bag? Yeah, there it is, and Whoa.
it's full of money.
- How much? - I don't know.
it looks like about $20,000 dollars.
This is a big league case, Joy.
I'll say.
That's a lot of cash, meat.
My character calls people "meat.
" I'll be in the car.
So, you think my mother drove away the man who was my only chance at happiness, and the sweetest revenge would to become your partner and abandon that controlling shrew? I wouldn't use those exact words.
I'm quoting your text.
Don't do it for me.
Do it for your lost love.
Oh, Sterling.
You know, he ate like a bird.
He was deathly afraid of getting food on his hands.
He sounds super hot.
Elka, what is going on? You decided to go a different direction with your secret word partner? I never said that.
I'm quoting your text.
Mona, what are you doing with her? I'm Elka's partner now.
You don't control me anymore.
- Elka does.
- Oh? Does Elka make your pot pies? Oh, they're so good.
Sorry, Elka.
Melanie, I think you got a text.
- Oh, did I? - Yeah.
"By reading this, I agree to become Elka's partner again.
" Congratulations, you're back on the team.
Nice try Elka, but you are on your own.
Nobody tells Melanie Moretti what to do.
I'm out of here.
Will you put another quarter in the meter? Oh, yeah, sure.
Damn it.
Clearly we're in the middle of a drop.
Somebody's got to come to that dumpster and collect the money.
is it dangerous? I wouldn't worry about it, Victoria.
I've developed a cat-like awareness of my surroundings.
Ah! Melanie, what are you doing here? We're at a crime scene.
I know, but the house was empty, and I needed somebody to vent to.
Elka tried to ditch me and make Mona her partner, which means I wouldn't be in the contest at all.
Apropos of nothing, Melanie, when was the last time you got laid? I'm just hurt, okay? You don't just abandon your partner.
Well, partnerships can be complicated.
it may hurt, but if you really care about your partner, you have to take the high road, let them do impetuous, misguided things and just hope it doesn't work out for her.
Oh I guess so, but we're friends.
Well, just because you're not partners, doesn't mean you're not friends.
Still, you can't just throw a good partnership away.
Now, having chemistry with someone is a hard thing to find.
All right.
I get the subtext here.
Elka and I are friends, and she just wants to win and beat her rival and not be humiliated once again.
That's why she dumped me.
Plus, you're really, really bad at games.
See, I get what you're doing there too.
it's reverse psychology.
Thanks, you guys.
You're totally gonna win that contest.
She's not gonna win that contest.
She lacks that critical skill of being ahead of her opponent.
in a word, anticipation.
Aah! - Would you stop doing that? - Sorry.
Listen, I don't know if it's important, but there was a big guy over there that dropped something in the dumpster and then took something out.
Oh, no, we missed the drop.
Anyway, wish me luck.
Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately it looks like Elka's gonna have to forfeit because she does not have a partner.
Yes, she does.
Surprised, huh? - Completely.
- Wait a minute.
Why is there a glass of wine and my reading glasses on the table? How did you know I'd forgive you? How did you know I'd be back? The secret word is "predictable.
" I found the package.
Wait, somebody's coming.
Get out of sight.
You stay down until I tell you it's safe to come out.
Ah! I need to get in there.
I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
Okay, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.
There's an easy way? The police will be here soon, because there's this g-g-g-guy I'm sorry, officer, when I get scared I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i stutter.
Stuttering, oh, now there's a thought.
What? - Do it, Joy.
- But you'll get hurt.
What do you think is happening now? Okay, let's hear from our contestants.
Why don't you tell us your name and a little bit about yourself? You know who I am.
What the hell are you doing? I've been watching classic game shows.
I'm channeling Allen Ludden.
I knew Allen Ludden.
Allen Ludden was a friend of mine, and you, sir, are no Allen Ludden.
I'll introduce myself.
I'm Mona Bratford.
I graduated from Sarah Lawrence.
I'm not married, but there was a man once can we please start the game? Okay, I'll give you each a secret word.
The secret word is We got this one.
Salt Pepper.
Now you're gonna play the game correctly? Over to you Agnes.
- Mustard - Ketchup.
That is correct.
Sterling loved ketchup.
He ate that like a bird too.
Are you okay? Should I take you to the hospital? I'm fine.
it was just a taser.
How's my hair? it's a little Fluffy.
Like a lion's? Definitely.
You were very brave.
Detective Valenzuela.
- Great work.
- Glad to help.
- Any time.
- Do you have a card? Sometimes when we're stretched thin, we outsource work to local P.
Here, hold on a second.
There you go.
We'll be in touch.
You two make a good team.
Oh, well actually, it will just be me.
She's leaving.
Too bad.
Wait, stop.
You see, I was going to leave, but now - I'm really rethinking it.
- Okay.
But it's just that he proposed to me, and I said no, and that made things a bit awkward.
But you're right, we do make a good team.
- I'm gonna stay.
- Good luck.
One more thing.
I didn't realize she was staying, so if you could just disregard the "call me anytime" on the card.
Is it safe for celebrities yet? Hey, you're Victoria Chase.
Big fan.
Click, click.
Well, thank you, detective.
- Click, click.
- You're welcome.
You know, I'm playing a detective in a new TV show.
Mind if I click, click pick your brain? I'm off duty.
Sure, let's get some coffee.
Sorry, I've got a little, ahem, thing here.
You, ahem, are a gold mine.
Click, click.
I'm really glad you're not leaving, Joy.
And I promise, from now on, I'll try not to say the things to make it weird and awkward.
- Thanks, Bob.
- Yeah, well, with all the electricity going through my body right now, if we were to have sex, you'd light up like a pinball machine.
You're not gonna change, are you? Not in the slightest.
Next secret word.
The secret word is Oh, this is gonna be easy because I used to call my daughter "peanut.
" Daughter The secret word is "peanut," isn't it? Yes, you got it.
'Cause I said it.
Half a point? No.
Next secret word.
The secret word is Something I'll never have because you ruined my life when you sent Sterling away, but I refuse to become old and miserable like you.
I'm gonna go find him.
Well, best of luck to Mona.
So, for the win, the play goes to you, Melanie.
I'm so nervous.
Just give the most obvious clue.
- Flat - Joy.
That's correct.
I'm just sitting here.
And the news coverage has been great for the agency.
We've already gotten new clients.
We? You're staying with Bob? Yes, we make a good team.
We have great chemistry, and I want him in my life.
And, Victoria, now that we have more cases, you're welcome to ride along and do more research for your HBO show.
Oh, no thanks.
After spending an evening with Detective Valenzuela, I realized that I don't need winks, or clicks, or a lesbian detective lover.
That was her suggestion.
Having watched you and Bob, I decided, that just working on good chemistry with my co-star is the way to go.
Okay partner, shall we toast to our victory? - Let me fill up your glass.
- No, not necessary.
What can I get for you, secret word master? We may have had a side bet.