Hotel Transylvania: The Series (2017) s01e14 Episode Script

Fright of Hand; Dude Where's My Garlic!

[GHOSTLY VOCALIZING] [MUSIC] [RAP BEAT PLAYING] [HARD ROCK PLAYING] [SCREAMING] [BATS SQUEAKING] [MUSIC] [FINGERS TAPPING] Wow, slow day huh? [CRASHING] Seems like we need to drum up more business, hmm? Let me guess.
You have another fang-tastic idea.
Well since you asked.
[CLUCKING] We make Hotel Transylvania the go-to place for after-funerals, anniver-scaries.
We create buzz [FLIES BUZZING] The good kind, not the swarm-of-locusts kind.
- Absolutely not.
I detest parties.
- Come on, how about this? Let me throw a sample party, to prove I can do it.
Huh? [SIGHS] It would have to be simple.
A group of monsters sitting around, waiting for death, you know, a party.
Of course, entertainment, maybe a cake, definitely a cake.
But that's it.
And someone's birthday is coming up, someone who's totally unimportant in every conceivable way.
Diane? [CLUCKING] It would get her off my back.
But entertainment? I've found classy options for every occasion, even the boring ones.
AUNT LYDIA: Octavio the Awesome? Is he still doing the tedious old magic act? Yes! And he's totally available, surprisingly so.
I did my research.
Well then, throw your test party, with Octavio.
If you fail, you can scrape the fungus off Bigfoot's toes for the next year! [RETCHING] [GRUNTING] How do you do always come up with the worst punishment? It's a gift.
But it's not one of your disgusting party gifts.
Right this way, front row seats for the Beak of Honor.
[CLUCKING] So excited, boss! [CHATTERING] Festive decorations, Mavis.
Yeah, they really make me look forward to my funeral.
Exactly! Enjoy the show! I highly doubt it.
[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHS] Thank you! I'm your host, Pedro.
And this is "Diane: A Night of Celebration.
" How's everyone doing? Anyone here from the grave? [GROWLING] The warm-up acts are ready to go.
And Octavio the Awesome should arrive any second now.
It's going so well.
I can practically taste the cake.
Quasi's whipping the scream cheese frosting as we speak.
[SCREAMING] Looks at him.
And he says "Sir, that's no sarcophagus.
That's the toilet!" [ALL LAUGHING] Wonderful! [TICKING] Being a doctor is tough.
Last week, patient comes in with a cough.
So, I run some tests.
Now I've got to schlep all the way to his swamp to tell him he's got six months to live.
There go my dinner plans! [GARY COUGHING] Gary? I was just talking about you! What? I have six months to live? Nah, I didn't want my act to be a downer.
You have two months to live! [ALL LAUGHING] [LAUGHING CONTINUES] Is there anything funnier than a monster's impending doom? Aww, look at Aunt Lydia.
We are going to host so many parties.
I think someone's in line for a promotion.
That's my time! Good night! And good luck, Gary.
[APPLAUSE] Wait a sec.
Where's that Octavio? If he doesn't show Mavis! Octavio the Awesomely Late is here! Yes! Better late than severed! [MUSIC] Octavio, welcome! At last! [GASPS] - Sorry, I had trouble with the map.
- Well you're here now.
And everyone is so, so eager to see your act! Great! I'll open with the old ear-behind-the-ear trick.
Whoops! Sorry, I get clumsy when I'm nervous.
And I'm always nervous.
And I'm starting to get why my Aunt Lydia insisted I book you.
"Thanks, Lydia.
" Lydia Dracula? Oh, she hated my act so much, she wrote a blood letter to Entertainment Shriekly.
"Octavio the Awful", she said.
I can't go in there.
I won't! You can't make me! Wait! No! [GROANS] Now what? I told everyone we'd have a magician.
And maybe we still do.
Time for some magic wagic! Uh, forget I said that.
Magic for Beginners, chapter one.
Show time! [GASPS] Good luck, Mavis! [CHUCKLING] Okay, is this a great party or what? Whoo-hoo! [GRUNTING] Where is Octavio the Awesome? Uh, a magician never reveals his secrets.
Maybe he's already here.
Can you feel it in the air? You mean your impending failure? No, I'm talking about magic time! [FINGERS TAPPING] [GULPS] Oh, it's hot up here.
I'll just, uh [BARKING] Oh, uh, ta-da! [SCREAMING] [CHEERING] Thank you.
Thank you.
For my next trick, I need a volunteer.
- [CLUCKING] Me! - All right, let's hear it for Diane! [ALL CHEERING] I am going to make our Beak of Honor disappear! [ALL EXCLAIM] [CLUCKING] Okay, slippity sloppy, hoppity hey, disappear now! Go away! [LAUGHING] - Mildly impressive.
- Ha! It worked! Uh I mean, now to make her reappear.
Swirly, curly, the other way, return to us right now.
Okay? [MAVIS CLEARING THROAT] Nosfarutu, nosferack, come on home now! Hurry back! Holy rabies.
And now for a totally planned magician's intermission.
In my absence, please enjoy Hank and his famous impressions! [APPLAUSE] [CLEARING THROAT] Welcome to my hotel! It's Dracula! He's doing my dopey brother! Blah, blah, blah! [LAUGHING] - I made Diane disappear! - We know.
Awesome! No, I really made her disappear! I have to get her back before Quasi brings out the cake or I'm going to be waist-deep in fungal toe jam! It won't come off! [RETCHING] - Ew.
- Yum.
- What did you do exactly? - I just waved the wand, like this.
[GASPS] No! Where'd they all go? Hello? [SING-SONGY] Hello? - What is this place? - It's not so bad, - once you get used to all the running.
- Sorry, "Running"? [LOUD THUMPING] [DIANE CLUCKING] [CLUCKING] WENDY: Ah! [DIANE CLUCKING] [BOTH SCREAMING] Oh, my gosh, you guys, holy rabies! [LAUGHING] That is Mavis to a "T"! And then there's Lydia [GROWLS] Uh, who is super terrifying and scary.
And let's leave it at that.
That's pretty on point, actually.
[GROANING] [GROWLING] Quasi is nearly finished the cake? [GROANS] First time I've ever dreaded dessert! I got to find Octavio.
But how? Take me to your owner! Go to your magician! Returnio Octavio? Aah! [SOBBING] [GRUNTING] Octavio, thank darkness! I need your help! Your wand made my friends disappear, and Diane! - Help you? You took my wand! - You dropped it! - I need my wand back! - I need my friends back, and Diane! - You want your wand? Come and get it! - Whoa! [BOTH GRUNTING] Where am I? Wendy? Pedro? BOTH: Mavis! Run! [CLUCKING] [GASPS] [CLUCKING] [GRUNTING] - Give me back my wand! - First, tell me how we get out! - Fine, just reverse the swirl! - I tried that! [STAMMERS] W-What? B-B-But it's the only fix I know! Oh, your aunt's right.
I'm awful.
[SOBBING] No, come on, don't.
I just hope she hasn't caught on yet.
[ALL LAUGHING] We're dying over here! MAVIS: There's got to be a false bottom in this cauldron.
The false bottom would work, except you moved the cauldron.
- That locks it up! - [GASPS] But how do we move it back? [GRUNTING] MAVIS: Run! [ALL SCREAMING] [DIANE CLUCKING] Wendy's Dad, Mr.
Blob, explaining the Big Bang.
[BABBLING] [IMITATES EXPLOSION] [LAUGHING] Stop! Stop! My mouth isn't used to this upturned shape! [LAUGHING] Bring back Diane already.
[ALL GRUNTING] [GROANS] [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] Ta-da! [LAUGHING] [CHEERING] [SING-SONGY] Just like I planned it! Oh, Diane, I was so worried [CLUCKING] Is what someone who cared might say.
[CLUCKING] Mavis, I must admit you even made that hack look good.
- Aw, thank you! - You You think I'm a hack? - Whoo-hoo! - I want a new magic show every week! Yeah-ha-ha! [CLUCKING] [ALL SCREAMING] You're killing me! [LAUGHING] [BATS SQUEAKING] [MUSIC] [WOLF HOWLING] Beating artichoke hearts, yes [HEARTS BEATING] Gargoyled eggs [EGGS SQUEALING] Chocolate-covered eyeballs.
HANK: I got eyeballs on the chocolate-covered eyeballs.
[GRUNTING] [GASPING] What is this?! Garlic seeds? [GASPING] How could you mess this up again? If we're caught, Lydia will skin us alive, and then dead! [GROWLING] Oh, sure, no big deal for you, but for me, it's AUNT LYDIA: Quasimodo, where is my breakfast? [SHRIEKS] Okay, you wait for me in the spice torture rack.
Saperlipopette! Did he say "Garlic seeds"? The garlic patch said "Come play with us.
" And the little vampire was tempted.
She disobeyed the shrunken heads, who said "Girl, don't go there.
" She even ignored her papa, who said "Under no circumstances, are you to look at, touch or think about garlic.
" [GASPS] I said "don't touch!" - What happened next to the vampire? - Next? Um, terrible, horrible, oh, unspeakable things.
I can't even talk about them, they're so bad.
Now, scary dreams, my little pus dumpling! Wow.
I've never even seen garlic before.
I got to get a closer look! - No! - Stop! - Mavis! - You can't go near garlic! So they say.
But what really happens? I bet it's all a myth, perpetuated by the garlic farmers.
You know how those weirdos can be.
- Nope.
- Not really.
That's literally just your thing, dude.
But just in case it's not a myth, I nominate Pedro to get the bag.
[SCOFFS] Ain't no thing for a non-vamp.
Ah! [LAUGHING] You should see your faces, all eyes bugging, mean mugging.
Come on, y'all got to Ah! Ah! - [GASPING] I can't breathe.
- Because you're not breathing.
- Oh.
[SIGHING] - Don't worry.
Garlic doesn't do anything to non-vampires.
Oh, and I'm pretty sure we just proved garlic seeds don't do anything to vampires either.
Look at me.
[HUMMING] So, maybe garlic just makes them dance horribly? 'Kay, we better put this back before Quasi finds out we were in here.
On it! [SLURPING] [MUSIC] [GRUNTING] And that's the end of that! What's that? [GROWLING] [SNIFFING] It couldn't be.
It wouldn't dare.
[SCREAMING] It is! You! Pick the sprout! [GROWLING] [STAMMERS] Garlic! [SCREAMING] [SOBBING] "Hotel Transylvania is to remain closed "while under garlic decontamination"? "Closed"? What if we didn't clean up all those seeds? If my Dad finds out I single-handedly shut down the hotel, he'll never let me be in charge.
Man, you'll be lucky to be assistant to - the Chief Yeti Tongue Scraper.
- Hey, job's already taken.
Well, I, for un, am relieved the hotel is closed.
Huh? 'Cause we all know what happens to vampires - exposed to garlic, right? - You know, Aunt Lydia, maybe nothing happens to vampires? I've heard the seeds don't do anything.
Well, of course, the seeds don't.
[SIGHING] - But once they're full grown - [STAMMERS] What? Horrible, unspeakable things! Think of the worst thing ever and multiply it by terrible.
Then you're close.
Dying of hunger while being scrubbed clean in a bath? Even worse.
But it's not as bad as what's going to happen to the traitor who brought garlic into my hotel! [GASPING] H-How will you ever discover who did it, huh? It seems impossible.
[FORCED LAUGHTER] The Cerberus is on the case.
[GROWLING] It'll sniff out the garlic source, which'll have the culprit's scent.
So, if the hotel's on lock down, where are we supposed to sleep? [ENGINE STARTING] Look! [TIRES SCREECHING] Looks like they'll be gone for weeks.
Who's ready for a Dracula sleepover party? [GROWLING] [MUSIC] [HOWLING MEOW] Huh? [SCREAMING] [SNORING] [ALL SNORING] AUNT LYDIA: Off with their heads! [CONTINUES SNORING] [SIGHS] [GASPS] [SNORING] [WHIMPERING] Wendy? Hey, Wendy? Wake up.
Fire mouth! [BOWL CLATTERS] - Morning! - I need help.
I got to sneak back and grab that bag of seeds before anyone finds my prints on it and I'm sunk.
Imagine, the daughter of Count Dracula, caught with garlic.
- Now who's with me? - Uh We'll guard the tub.
[SNORES] I think it's time for a homemade hazmat makeover! WENDY: Sweet.
Protects against garlic attack.
[SNIFFS] [YELLS] I can't smell or hear anything! - Shh! - Mavis did it! [INSECTS CHIRPING] I tip, zen I toe.
I tip.
I toe.
I tip.
I toe.
I tip, toe.
[GROWLING] Tip toe, tip toe, tip toe, tip toe.
Ze key is to not wear any socks.
[YELLS] The kitchen? Good idea! Evidence? What evidence, Lydia? [LAUGHING] Bravo, me.
[GROWLING] [WHISPERING] How do we get past the Cerberus? [LOUDLY] What? The Cerberus! [GROWLING] Run! [GROWLING] [MUSIC] [GRUNTING] WENDY: And stay out! [GRUNTS] That's better.
I can hear now.
[GASPS] It's gone! Look! Sock-less tippy-toe footprints! MAVIS: The incinerator! Ah! They're still there! Say, Wendy, how are you with heat? Almost, almost.
[GRUNTING] Hey, my gum! [SCREAMING] [GRUNTING] [CLATTERING] Quasi! What are you doing here? Oh, hello.
Uh, visiting the hall of mirrors, you know, no crowds for the decontamination, so What are you Zut alors! Ze garlic seeds! [GASPS] Wendy! You still have them? [LOUD STOMPING] Uh-oh! Run! You're getting good at saying that.
[GRUNTING] Your helmet's off! You're exposed! [GASPING] The garlic smell, it's real! It burns! Make it stop! [SNIFFS] Can't smell garlic, thanks, Wendy! [GROWLING] [ALL SCREAMING] [GROWLING] MAVIS: Wendy, get rid of the garlic! Okay, bye-bye, seeds! [FINGERS TAPPING] - Ahem.
- I, uh, what? Oh, wow, where am I? Sleepwalking, am I right? - [SNIFFING] Do I smell garlic? - Uh, no.
Besides, I exposed myself.
And nothing happened.
It just burns your nostrils a bit, big whoop.
- I don't believe it.
- Well, if I had garlic, I could prove it.
Oh, you mean like this? [ALL SCREAMING] Wendy, why would you keep that? Um, hello? It's a keepsake from our adventure! Okay, fine, I'll prove it.
[GASPING] [CHUCKLING] See? Just a bunch of rubbish.
[SCREAMING] It's in my mouth! Is it in my mouth? It's in my mouth! [SCREAMING] UNCLE GENE: What's happening? Nothing.
[CHUCKLES] Nothing is happening.
Maybe when it's second-hand [SCREAMING] [GROWLING] Ooh! [SNEEZING] [BEEPING] [CREATURES CLAMORING] [SCREAMING] [WHIMPERS] [COUGHING] Several fiery months later When you think about it, it's almost funny we all ended up quarantined to the Cerberus pit.
"It's hilarious.