House Husbands (2012) s03e10 Episode Script

Season 3, Episode 10

1 I can go in by myself, Dad.
Yeah, well, the first day is always the hardest.
Don't worry, well make some new friends soon.
Belle and I were together when I had the heart attack.
I don't understand.
But maybe that's because I've only ever loved one person.
Where are you going? I have a job interview and I am late.
You promise to sit on the mat and not move a muscle? Justin, I'm really sorry.
I really have to go.
Boys! Hey.
Are you all right? They could've died.
You said that you were five minutes away.
You were supposed to be their mother.
You've already blown it, your marriage is over.
My marriage is not over.
I'm getting a lawyer for the divorce.
Will you marry me? What? I've done bad things, very bad things.
But you have to understand, it's not my fault.
I never planned to hurt anyone.
What can I say? I like eating pigs! We forgive you, Big Bad Wolf.
- (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) - KIDS: Let's dance! Yeah.
Well, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- (MUSIC STOPS) - That's not how it ends.
The wolf falls down the chimney into a big pot of boiling oil.
- Water.
- Water, oil, whatever.
There's no dancing.
Great rehearsal, everyone.
Thank you.
Five minute break.
Oh, no.
Not you.
I adjusted the ending.
The original is too confronting for the children.
It's a fairytale.
Everybody knows how it's meant to end.
I am the director.
You don't argue with me, unless you want me to recast you.
Oh, he doesn't want that.
I was giving you the opportunity, so you could spend more time with your daughter.
- He appreciates that - Your ending sucks.
And he's willing to give it a go.
Baby, don't do that now.
It'll work.
The rehearsal started 15 minutes ago.
They're only trees.
When are you gonna fix the cupboards Lucy burnt? - Lucy didn't burn them.
- They smell.
Well, they're being fixed soon, OK, mate? Hey, I found some tile samples for the splashback.
Erm, I'll take a look tonight.
But you're right.
I better go.
I don't wanna be late for my first day.
He didn't mean anything.
I know.
It's fine.
So, are you ever gonna give me an answer? Soon.
Well, what's to think about? I want a proposal for the right reasons.
Is it just a bandaid after the fire to make you feel like everything's OK? No.
Everything is OK.
You know, I proposed because because I love you.
So? I'm thinking.
We're still doing this, yeah? United front.
Justin? He won't listen.
- What? - We want you to move out of the pub.
- Your idea? - It's mine.
You need to be somewhere you can spend quality time with Tilda.
What are you talking about? I just spent half an hour of quality time blowing her house down.
- You need to be somewhere safe.
- Without alcohol.
It's all sorted.
I'm not drinking.
A new regime.
In fact, I've got an appointment to get to.
- You can come live with me.
- No, thanks.
Told you.
Very different office to your last one.
Lots of character.
(WHISPERS) Do you mean the stained carpets or the broken photocopier? Claw machine.
Boss bought it as a special treat.
Everyone's very excited.
It's amazing what can spice up the day in conveyancing.
(CHUCKLES) Show me.
Your friend writes very aggressive letters.
He specialises in divorce law.
That's his thing.
He's made heaps of demands.
He's asked for the cars and the house and the superannuation.
He's talking splitting everything down the middle.
He says that we should sell the house.
I can't do that to Tilda or Phoebe.
You don't have to.
This all feels very final.
I guess that's why they make people wait a year until they're allowed to get divorced, so they're sure.
Maybe you need some time too.
Maybe I do.
I'm so sorry to put you in this difficult position.
I already have one of those.
Justin asked me to marry him.
Well, that's brilliant.
How can you say that when you're standing here, talking divorce? - Well, cos it's you and Justin.
- Well, I haven't said yes yet.
Why not? Not because of Lewis and I? Oh, no.
Forget that I was even here.
You should be celebrating.
Lucy, I'm keeping you out of this, OK? You need to say yes.
Don't give up on love.
Some people never find it.
Lucy, are you here? Ooh.
Don't swallow.
Quick, quick.
Spit it out.
- Hm? - Spit it out.
Spit it out.
You weren't supposed to eat it.
Spit it out.
It was just a cupcake.
What was it doing on the table? Put this inside it.
24-carat plastic.
Is this a yes? - Yes.
- Yes? Yeah! Oh, baby.
Oh, it's, er it's a bit small.
Well, it's from the claw machine.
If you just lend me two bucks No, no, no.
I like it.
How long till you have to get back to work? I can spare a few minutes.
- Ow.
- Ow? Something, erm, sticking into me.
Grade 23B.
Yeah, the original tile colour's been discontinued.
I'm trying to find a match.
What do you think of this? I've got to go.
First, let me thank you all for being a part of trial.
The drug which you'll be taking has been developed in the USA as a blood pressure treatment for people who have suffered heart attacks.
So far, the results are looking promising.
Dr Albert, this pamphlet says something about side effects.
Yes, it's a vascular relaxant, so some of you may experience things like hot flushes, slight mania, heightened libido, mood swings.
The treatment course runs for three months, during which time you'll be required to take three pills every day, and the hospital will run regular assessments of your heart function.
Abi, can I have a quick chat about the side effects? Are you having second thoughts? No.
I'm all good with the trial.
I wanna get back in shape.
Well, are you doing the exercises and following the diet? Yeah, yeah.
All that.
It's just, er When you say 'heightened libido', how heightened? - Is it like double or what? - What's bothering you, Lewis? Well, when Gemma and I were together, we, you know did it every day.
You did it every day? Mostly at night, so my libido doesn't need any help.
Know what I'm saying? Cold water helps.
Cold water? Right.
- How'd you go? - Yeah, good.
We need to discuss some boring financial stuff, at some point.
You know, like our joint bank accounts and change of address and stuff like that.
I'll be in radiology.
New jacket? Yeah, it is.
Like it? - You know, it's - Oh, watch out.
OK, well let's talk about that paperwork, at some point.
See ya.
Can you sign this submission when you've got a second? Yep.
- Mrs Crabb? - Just leave it in my in-tray.
I, erm One of the nurses, she wanted me to ask you Is this about the roster? Because I am sick and tired of people asking can they change their shifts.
No, no.
It's She wants to know if it was OK to ask Mr Crabb on a date.
- On a date? - Yeah.
I said it probably wasn't OK.
What is this nurse's name? Doesn't matter.
Lewis had a new jacket.
Did you notice? - No.
- Why would he need a new jacket? - He has a jacket.
- I said yes to Justin.
Oh, that's great news.
Oh, we need to have a party.
I don't know.
Our house isn't up to it.
The kitchen is still burnt.
Well, let's do it at my place.
We'd just have drinks.
We'll make it a surprise.
We can announce it once everyone's there.
How do you think Dad will handle it? (GROANS) Don't worry about him.
He and Justin are fighting.
Yeah, well, your father needs to grow up.
Just leave it with me.
We did a photo shoot on the weekend.
It went really well, so, yeah, hopefully, numbers will be up.
Yeah, OK.
No, no! - Sorry.
- Hey.
He sometimes runs off to random strangers.
- What kind of dog is he? - He's not my actual I don't own him.
He's my client.
I'm his manager.
GIRL: Sergeant Schnapps! - Oh, someone's a fan.
- (MEN CHUCKLE) - Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, darling.
You're Zoe's dad? - You're Poppy's dad.
- (CHUCKLES) - Daddy, you made a friend.
I told Hugh that we'd get there around seven.
I'm so excited that you've got a new friend.
Why do people keep saying that? What if we had a more low-key announcement, instead of the big surprise? It's big news.
It's worth making a fuss.
Except that Dad's fighting with every person on the guest list.
- Don't worry.
You'll be fine.
- GEMMA: Hey.
- We'd grab some booze from the pub.
- Aww.
This one's on me.
- OK.
You sure I'm invited? - Of course you are.
Just your friends and I didn't get off to the best start.
- Neither did we.
- Yeah.
You're a pushover.
Those bikes are so loud! - What do you reckon? - What is that? My new bike.
I just bought it.
Lucy and I are getting married.
- (GASPS) - Really? - Yeah.
- That's wonderful news! ABI: Congratulations.
First time I met Justin he crashed a bus into the school, and then he used his extensive knowledge of pharmaceuticals to track down the principal, and that's when I said, "That's what I call son-in-law material.
" And here we are, two years later.
- Is this going well or? - Not really.
So, welcome to the family, Justin.
Your timing's not that flash, but then again, when was it ever? Here's to the happy couple.
- Cheers.
- KANE: To the happy couple! Wanna say a few words? Cheers.
Thanks, everyone.
That's a few words.
- Hey, is Lewis OK? - No.
Listen, we're supposed to be going to some dinner tonight, but I'm happy to stay.
We're fine.
Everything's fine.
Thank you.
Was that the best that you could do? The speech.
If you hadn't blindsided me, I could've prepared, put in a few jokes.
- Don't do that.
- Gemma, if you don't get the leav I say that we're gonna talk about our finances, and you go straight out and buy a motorcycle.
- It wasn't straight out.
- How much did it cost? Cheaper than you think.
It was on sale.
- You don't even have a bike licence.
- Yes, I do.
- Since when? - Since I was 25.
(SIGHS) Amazing.
What other secrets are gonna come crawling out of you? Gemma, it's a bike.
- It's a midlife crisis.
- It's not a midlife crisis.
I've wanted a bike for years.
Well, now you're free, you can live the dream.
- That's not what I meant.
- What is this all about, Lewis? Are you trying to impress someone, with a new bike, a new jacket? You're parading around like a peacock.
I'm not parading around.
I'm just trying to get on with things.
- Well, so am I.
- What's this? It's a letter about who gets what.
Told you I was getting a lawyer.
- You gave Dad the letter? - (DOOR SHUTS) I thought that you decided not to.
Apparently, he's keen to move on, so I'm just keeping up.
(MOTORCYCLE REVS) ABI: Look at the size of this place! Who is this guy, the sultan of Brunei? He's the CEO of Trader's Hardware, Southeast Asia.
Just tell me this isn't gonna be awful.
No, no, no.
They're good people.
Our kind of good people? You can be rich and good.
Just just promise me, you won't get sucked in by this whole money thing, OK? Try to stay grounded.
Mark, Mark, have you seen the paintings in the living room? They're a Oh, wow! Look at that pool! Yeah, and it's saltwater.
We just had it converted.
I'm never gonna swim in chlorine again.
Mark, Abi, this is Kim.
- Hola.
- Hola, Kim.
- MARK: Hello.
- Please.
Kim is the best live-in housekeeper on the planet.
So, Mark was telling me you're an emergency department specialist.
Now, that's impressive.
- Hm? Yeah.
Is that a spa? - Yeah.
- We should hop in after dinner.
- MARK: We didn't bring our bathers.
- Oh, I can lend you some bathers.
- Oh, that is a great idea.
- Fire it up, love.
- Darling? Lucy.
Hey, Dad.
I just came to thank you for that heartwarming speech that you gave about my fiancé.
Why did you do that? Just because you've stuffed up your marriage, you can't be happy for us? I'm happy if you are.
This whole divorce thing, you're just making it so much worse than it has to be.
I'm struggling to find an upside.
Gemma wasn't even gonna give you the letter until you behaved like an idiot.
Just don't overreact.
What do you know about the letter? I put Gemma on to the lawyer that wrote it.
- You did? - He was a friend, yep.
Well, at least we know whose side you're on.
I'm not on anyone's side.
I've got kegs to tap.
- Take it back.
- Take what back? - The bike that Dad bought.
- What bike? That one.
That bike? That's awesome.
Wasn't it your idea? No.
Why would you think that? Because ever since you started working here, Dad's been acting like a mental teenager.
Maybe he's always been a mental teenager in an old man's body.
You need to fix this.
He cannot go around riding that thing.
Why not? Because he's unstable, and he's ruining any chance of ever repairing his marriage, and he's blaming me.
You don't look very happy for someone who's getting married.
Hey, sis.
You need a night out.
- I'm sure I'll get around to doing - Oh, no.
I mean tonight.
You look like you need it.
I don't.
Oh, yes, you do.
- No way.
- Yes way.
NED: Whoo-hoo! NED: Yooo! - Where is it? - What? The motorbike.
- Someone's stolen it already - Don't pretend you don't know.
Why would I steal your motorbike? Well, according to your lawyer, what's mine is yours.
Well, I wouldn't even need a lawyer if you were reasonable.
I am reasonable! Coming around here and accusing me of stealing your bike is reasonable, is it? Well, this has got to go around the other way, because the wheels have to face back against the wall.
- Who cares? - I'll tell you who cares.
The guys who drive the truck.
They won't pick it up unless the Leave it alone! I can put out my own bin! - It's our bin.
- Not anymore, OK?! You do not own this bin, you do not own the pool, and you don't own me! When are you gonna get that?! Why do you have to spoil everything? (MOTORBIKE BEEPS) Back in five minutes? Yeah.
That's code for 'gone home'.
But they said they'd be open late.
(GROANS) We should be out celebrating.
You could go anywhere in Melbourne, but instead you're here buying tiles.
- I promised Justin I would.
- Let's get a drink.
I have to make the kids tree costumes.
I have to be at work in the morning.
I have responsibilities.
That's the point.
You have too many responsibilities.
You should be out climbing a bridge, or getting drunk, and waking up in another hemisphere.
- Yeah, right.
- I'm serious.
If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would it be? - South America.
- Wicked choice.
Have you ever been? - I've never been overseas.
- OK.
Now we are getting you drunk.
Come on.
How do you feel about sparkling rose? Come on, come on, come on.
Yes! I am the claw master.
Don't win all the toys, or my boss will know we broke in.
- Which desk is yours? - The last one there.
So, Nepean South Legal.
Working on any big cases or sending any major crims to the big house? It's a conveyancing office.
I chase sewage diagrams and pest inspections.
Straight from school to uni for six years to sewage diagrams and kitchen tiles.
Do we have time to go shopping for a headstone? Seriously, you have to get off the treadmill, or else you're gonna end up a middle-aged housewife at 26.
What's your password? I wanna show you something.
So, tell me more about this client of yours.
- Sergeant Schnapps? - Yeah.
He's got his own TV show.
He's, er he's a crime-fighting dog.
- And it's popular? - It was.
Ratings are a little bit down.
That's my job, to raise his profile, so that more viewers tune in.
Otherwise, the network will can it.
It's exactly like when I open a new hardware outlet.
I've honed a whole bunch of new stores, and if they don't work, I'll get flogged, but if they do, I get a bonus.
I've got this idea, Sergeant Schnapps collector cards.
They're like footy cards, which you can swap and collect.
Do marketing gimmicks like that work? Oh, this thing is amazing.
We should totally get one.
- Where would we put it? - In the front yard.
We could wave at people in the traffic.
You should have more.
- No.
- Oh, no.
I shouldn't.
Oh, go on.
Get a taxi home.
Well, just we have to clean the house, OK? Hang on, you're a doctor and you're a PR executive.
- How do you find time to clean? - WOMAN: Yeah.
ABI AND MARK: We don't.
You could've asked.
You would've said no.
And since I'm the one copping the blame for making you buy this thing, I might as well see how it handles.
- And? - Very smooth.
You know, it's funny how you mostly see older blokes riding these things.
It kinda screams, "Here's a bloke with too much time on his hands, or he's having a midlife crisis.
" I'm not having a midlife crisis.
I should know.
I've had a couple already.
So, why'd you get the bike when you've already got a car? - It's a distraction.
- From what? From thinking about Gemma.
These pills I'm taking, it's sending my libido through the roof.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Too much information there.
So, you bought a motorcycle to stop yourself from thinking about your ex-wife? Why don't you just explain to Gemma about the bike? Because every time I open my mouth, I make it worse.
Got caught up with Ned.
Did you get the tiles? Oh, no.
They'd gone home, so Where'd you go? On a tour of the Iguazu Falls.
Where? You should see this waterfall, Justin.
It's like this massive semicircle of water with 100m high and 3km wide.
So, where are we again? - Argentina.
- Oh.
But I'm not gonna go.
I'm on a treadmill, looking for a headstone.
Are you OK? Hey.
What are you doing? Putting branches on trees.
- Now? Do it in the morning.
- No.
I have to.
I almost burnt them.
- The trees? - The boys.
It was my fault.
We've talked about this.
No-one blames you for what happened.
- Yes, they do.
- No, they don't.
Well, I don't.
I do.
I blame me.
- Hey.
- You've pulled up well.
- Years of practice.
- Hmm.
Hey, about last night Don't even worry.
It was the sparkling rose talking.
Lucy, baby How do I look, Dad? Oh, wow.
- OK.
Have a good day.
- (SHOUTS) Bye, Daddy! Hey, how are you feeling this morning? Bye, Daddy! See you, sweetie.
You two get your housework done last night? - Not quite.
- Thought so.
Look, I've gotta run.
Conference call.
See you.
Enjoy your clean house! We drank all their wine, and they gave us their cleaner for six weeks.
- ABI: What's she doing now? - Vacuuming our house.
Maybe that's what rich people do.
Give people as presents? No.
Give people cleaners as presents.
- Oh, it's only for six weeks.
- No.
We gotta give her back.
See, look, I'm already talking about her like she's a thing.
(SIGHS) How long does this play go for? Oh, 20 minutes or something.
It's hard enough sitting through a school play when your own kids OK, can you just suck it up? Stella is very excited that we're here.
Hey, Mark! Come help me with this house of straw.
- House of straw.
- (CHUCKLES) - Hey.
- Hey, can you give someone a cleaner? Mark thinks it's like people trafficking.
- Well, not if they're getting paid.
- That's what I think.
And I also think that if we had a cleaner, Mark and I would have more time to be everyday people.
- What's everyday people? - Like you and Lewis were.
- He told me you did it every day.
- He told you that? Oh, we were talking about the side effects of the drug trial.
It's very clinical.
No wonder he's trolling for women on his motorcycle.
- What? - He misses sex.
No, Gemma.
He misses you.
MS LOOBY: The Big Bad Wolf was very cross, and he was hungry.
I can taste pork crackling already! - And he huffed - (BLOWS) - and he puffed.
- (BLOWS) - Run, piggies, run! - (KIDS SCREAM) This is the last straw! KIDS: No.
MS LOOBY: The wolf took a huge breath and - (BLOWS) - nothing happened.
- So, the wolf tried again.
- (BLOWS) - And he huffed and he puffed - (BLOWS) but he couldn't blow down that house of bricks.
He blew until he was exhausted, and he knew he was beaten.
I've done bad things.
Very bad things.
But you have to understand, it's not my fault.
Actually that's not true.
It is my fault.
All of it.
I could say I was born that way, but that'd be a cop-out.
Sometimes, I think as I get older, I just I've learned absolutely nothing.
I've hurt my family, my friends, accused them of things they haven't done.
I've snapped at them when they were just trying to help me.
If there was any justice in the world, I'd be boiled in oil.
There'd be a be a whole queue of people happy to throw me in.
What can I say? I'm sorry.
Dad, Dad.
"I like eating pigs.
" I like eating pigs.
We forgive you, Big Bad Wolf.
KIDS: Let's dance! (PLAYS ALEXANDRA BY HAMILTON LEITHAUSER) SONG: I don't think back I don't need to But I'm always thinking of you Oh, my roots are always stronger Dug deep and hard as marble Will you whitewash your memory When I call you from a crazy sleep? You strayed from my script.
Sorry about that.
Don't be.
You made it all the more raw and real.
Next term, I'm thinking of doing The Three Billy Goats Gruff.
I just wondered if you'd like to play a troll.
Oh, I think I'm gonna be busy, but, yeah.
- Hey, Lewis.
- Oh, that was a mistake.
I should never have been on a play.
I was just gonna say I don't wanna boil you in oil.
I want you to come and live with us, really.
I'll make the spare room really comfortable.
- I'll put a telly in there.
- Thanks, mate.
I'll think about it.
ABI: Well, Lewis is a surprise package.
Must be those drugs you've got him on.
They're pretty intense.
I mean, Lewis doesn't really show his feelings in public.
OK, this is so talking out of school, but I just found out today that he's on the placebo.
So, it's a randomised trial, one group takes the drug, one group takes the placebo, and one group takes nothing, and he's in the second group.
That was the real Lewis, Gemma.
(SIGHS) You mean what you said today as the Big Bad Wolf? Maybe.
If you're really sorry, prove it.
Help me pick a ring.
When you proposed to Gemma, I helped you pick one.
- And look how that turned out.
- Your marriage isn't over yet, mate.
OK, so, you know Lucy better than anyone, and there's a lot of rings here, so do your worst.
How about that one? She'll love it.
I told you there needed to be a sewage diagram in the contract before it went out.
Oh, it was on my to-do list, but I'm so sorry.
Don't apologise to me.
Apologise to the client.
Ring him and let him know that it's on its way.
- Yes.
Yeah, OK.
Right away.
- Hey.
Oh, Grant, this is Justin, my fiancé.
Lucky man.
I have ordered the tiles.
I'm picking it up at lunchtime.
It's OK.
I'll pick up the tiles.
Look, I'm really under the pump.
I gotta go, but talk later.
But Luce (SOMBRE MUSIC) The reason I came was to say thanks for sending Kim over, but Hey, no worries.
Let me show you something.
- Now, we really can't accept - Now check this out.
This idea of yours, Sergeant Schnapps collector cards, yeah? Give 'em away with every purchase at Trader's Hardware stores.
You get to promote your TV star, and I get the kids so excited about the cards, they hustle their mums and dads through the door.
This is win-win.
How much would you need to produce a set of cards? Wait, you'd be prepared to pay for this? Happy kids equals happy parents buying more hardware.
How fast can you move, M Train? I can move fast.
You went there to give back a cleaner, but you came back with a business partnership? - Yeah.
Well, kind of.
- Mark and the Beanstalk.
Mark and the Beanstalk? Hugh was a shrewd operator.
A few hours ago, you thought he was a people trafficker.
Well, that might've been a slightly hasty evaluation.
Hey, what do you think about Sergeant Schnapps collector's cards available in any hardware store across the country? I think that's an awesome idea.
Write up a list of all the Trader's Hardware stores, OK? We're gonna need a feasibility study and a printing budget.
I can sell some prototypes.
- And make them footy card-sized, OK? - OK.
I'll get started tonight.
Oh, we're rolling.
With all this work, we'll need an extra pair of hands around the house for the next six weeks.
(SCOFFS) This is the letter I gave you.
Gemma, you can have whatever you want the house, cars, money.
I just don't wanna fight anymore.
- And I'm taking the bike back today.
- Really? Well, before you do, will you do one thing for me? (BRAND NEW DAY BY KODALINE PLAYS) SONG: I'll be flicking stones at your window I'll be waiting outside till you're ready to go Won't you come down? Come away with me Just think of all the places we could be I'll be waiting Waiting on a brand-new day Waiting on a brand-new day.
So, what do you reckon? It's the most fun I've had in a while.
You know what? I don't want to talk about lawyers.
I don't want to talk about who gets what.
Not for now, anyway.
So, we're Not divorced.
Not together.
So, what are we? We'll see.
Making spag bol for dinner.
We can just freeze the rest.
Looks good.
Close your eyes.
- What are you doing? - Just close your eyes.
Hold out your hand.
- South America.
- It's an itinerary.
Santiago, Buenos Aires.
But we can't afford it.
We can afford one ticket.
Fully flexible.
Maybe you've gotta go away for a while to be sure this is where you wanna be.
You must've looked like a couple of lovebirds, holding tight, hair blowing in the wind, or just friends riding a bike together.
Erm, are you Mrs Crabb? Yes, I'm Gemma.
Thank you, Ryan.
You can go now.
- What is your name? - Charlotte.
Well, let me tell you, Charlotte and I mean this in the nicest possible way, if you go anywhere near my husband, I will personally put you in the intensive care unit.
Your husband? Weren't you planning on asking him out? No.
I just started this morning.
I was gonna ask about my roster.
(WAITING LESSONS BY AIR REVIEW PLAYS) Oh, love, come, love Hear me now Ease my aching bones I've got these roses 'neath my coat For when I get back to home All these miles start with you I'm following the Jordan through and through And Lord God willing I'll be home soon Cos I'm going to the mountainside Oh, I promise won't let you down I'm going to the ocean side Oh, I promise I'll be back around I'm going to the mountainside Oh, I promise won't let you down I'm going to the ocean side Oh, I promise I'll be back around.
- You ready? OK.
Let's go.
- Yeah.
- BOY: Yum, spaghetti.
- BOY 2: I want two bowls.
What do you think of the cupboards, boys? - They smell better.
- Yes, they do.
They smell new.
Is it Lucy's mince? Yep.
Lucy's mince and spaghetti.
Come on.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - I'll get it.
They kicked me out of the pub.
Where can I sleep?